CHAPTER 24

Upon These Stars

 

 

THEY MUST have heard me running gracefully (read: not gracefully at all), because when I rounded the corner to the keep, Ryan, Gary, and Tiggy were already moving forward. Ryan had his sword drawn again, and Gary and Tiggy looked ready to lay down some righteous fury.

“What the hell is happening?” Ryan demanded.

And yeah. Apparently working out should become part of my regimen because I was seriously out of breath. I held up a finger at them as I bent over, trying to catch my breath.

“Sam,” Gary said.

Gods, didn’t he understand the point of the finger?

I glared at him.

He rolled his eyes.

“He breathes a lot through his mouth,” Justin said, sounding disgusted. “I’ve noticed that.”

I wanted to tell him that I was going to shove some magic up his ass, but I couldn’t quite yet make the words come out.

“Why are you noticing his mouth?” Gary asked sweetly. “Aren’t you getting enough at home?”

Ryan scowled like a champ. I couldn’t even begin to guess who that scowl was meant for.

“Tiggy gonna smash some things,” Tiggy said. “Tiggy angry.”

“No, Tiggy,” Gary said. “Not things. You want to smash princes.”

Tiggy turned toward Justin, who had the decency to take a step back.

“Cult,” I finally managed to say. “Coming… to murder… our faces.”

“Well shit,” Gary said. “I told you we should have killed them all. But Knight Sanctimonious Face over there was all, like, ‘No, we can’t. We’re good and our hearts are pure and we must spare lives and watch as I pose with everything I do.’”

“I did not say that,” Ryan said. “And I don’t pose.”

I gulped up another breath. “You’re posing… right now.”

And he was, standing there, sword drawn, shoulders squared, chin held high, eyes on the horizon. And gods, he looked so fucking hot doing so. Like a douche, yes. But a hot douche.

“I told you we should have killed them,” Gary said.

“We can’t just kill people,” Ryan said.

“They were holding us prisoner.”

“That doesn’t make it right. Killing people never does.”

“Oh?” Gary asked. “What about Moishe?”

“I’ll kill him,” Ryan snarled. Then, “Uh. I mean. No way. What. Who?”

“Do I even want to know?” Justin asked, edging away from Tiggy, who was frowning at him.

“Elven whore,” Gary said. “Works for Sam’s fairy drag mother. Long story.”

“Funny,” Justin said. “You all seem to have a lot of those now.”

“I’ve got your long story right here,” Kevin said, curling his tail around Gary’s legs.

“Dude,” I said. “So not cool. Like, at all.”

“Hush,” Gary said, leaning into the dragon. “I think it’s endearing.”

“You’ve known him for two hours. He can’t yet be endearing.”

“It’s endearing,” Gary insisted as Kevin’s tail started to rub against his own. “And maybe slightly invasive.”

“You’re not getting to third base with my best friend while I’m watching,” I told Kevin.

“Why not, pretty?” Kevin purred. “The more the merrier, I always say. We can just go back into the keep and drink some wine and take off our clothes and just go for it, you know? Just do it. It’s just our bodies. Everyone’s got one. Sweaty, naked bodies that—”

“I am so uncomfortable right now,” Ryan said.

“Guys,” I said. “Cult. Coming to murder our faces. Priorities.”

“Why don’t you just use your magic?” Justin asked. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“Ungh,” Ryan said.

“It’s harder than you think,” Gary said, wide-eyed and innocent.

Justin grimaced at Ryan. “Did you just drool? Seriously, Ryan. I can’t take you anywhere. What the hell?”

“What?” Ryan said, wiping his mouth. “No. Of course not. That’d be weird.” His eyes were still glazed over as he looked down at my hands as if he expected me to cast a spell right in front of him. Instead, I was focusing on not getting an erection because apparently I had a kink for Ryan’s kink for my magic.

“I didn’t come this far to get murdered by a cult,” Justin said.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I didn’t think you went far at all. I thought we were the ones that did all the work to rescue you. Funny, that.”

“You’re kind of a bitch, aren’t you?” Justin said.

“What did you call me? Oh, Gary’s gonna bring the pain—”

“Shut up,” I snapped. “All of you. For fuck’s sake.”

Surprisingly, they all shut up.

“Wow,” I said. “I didn’t think that was going to work. Huh. I must be intimidating.”

“Like a butterfly,” Gary said.

I ignored him. “Kevin’s going to stop them.”

They all slowly turned to the dragon, who looked like he was trying to slip his nose under Gary’s tail. “Er,” he said. “What now?”

“You’re a god to them, dude,” I explained. “They built a cult around you. They’ll listen to you. Tell them to fuck off so we can get the hell out of here.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“Gary,” I said.

“I’ll do it,” he said promptly.

“Wait,” Gary said. “What?”

I rolled my eyes. “Like he’s going to not go with us now. You know he’s going to follow us home.”

“We’re in love,” Kevin announced quite loudly.

“No,” Gary said. “We’re in lust. There is a difference.”

“It’s love,” Kevin said. “You make me burn. Without you, I am nothing. I want to fellate you until you cry.”

Gary stared at him. “I might have gotten in over my head.”

“I shall protect you, my love,” Kevin said, pulling himself up to his full height. “You are the most important thing in the world to me, and since we will not be having an orgy with all your friends—wait. What was that?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Gary said.

“No?” Kevin said. “I swore I just heard you say you wanted to have an orgy with all your friends.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Oh. Well, as I was saying. Since we will not be having an orgy… right? Anyone. No one. Seriously? Not a single one of you? Ugh. Fine. Since there will be no orgy, I shall instead defend your honor. Because you’re my one and only.”

“I don’t believe you so much anymore,” Gary said. “Because of the orgy.”

“You have to act godlike,” I said. “Make it believable. Really sell it.”

Kevin cocked his head at me. “So, like I normally act?”

“What? No! The exact opposite of how you normally act. The furthest thing from how you normally act. Don’t even act like you normally do and you’ll be closer than you are right now.”

“Got it,” Kevin said. “Act like normal. Because I’m a god. Should I do an accent? That’s normal. Normal people have accents. Thees ees yer god spakin. Bow down ter meh.”

“We’re doomed,” I moaned.

“We really should do something about your pessimism,” Gary said. “Have a little faith, huh? I mean, just look at us.”

I looked at them. A hornless gay unicorn built out of rainbows and bitchiness. A half-giant who wanted to smash everything. A dragon who winked and flicked his tongue at me. A prince who I wanted to protect but also punch in the face. A knight I had a heart boner for.

“We’re doomed,” I moaned again. “Doooomed.”

“Dragon,” Gary said.

“Yes, light of my life?”

“I don’t want to die today. Nor do I want any of my friends to die today. And by friends, I mean Sam and Tiggy.”

“Hey,” Ryan said, sounding put out. “I thought we were friends.”

Gary turned to look at him with narrowed eyes. It was rather frightening. “You thought that, huh?”

“Gary,” I said.

“Fine,” he growled. “Justin and Ryan can’t die either. But they’re not my friends. Especially Justin. But mostly Ryan.”

“Ow,” Justin said flatly. “My heart.”

Ryan actually looked hurt by it.

“I shall protect you all,” Kevin said, puffing out his chest and raising his head. His eyes flashed and a lick of fire rolled out of his nose. “And then we should talk about that orgy.”

So we stood in a line, our backs to the keep, waiting for Eloise and the creepy people of Tarker Mills to descend upon us. Somehow, Ryan ended up next to me and kept trying to inch his way in front of me.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Nothing,” he said and then tried to shove me behind him.

“Are you trying to protect me?” I asked, starting to get slightly pissed. “Dude. Knock it off. You’re not my knight in shining armor. You’re a dick in dented tin.”

His jaw clenched. “Might as well be,” he said. “After all, I’m your cornerstone. It’s what I’m supposed to do.”

Oh, that motherfucker. “You do not get to say that,” I hissed at him. “You’re not my anything. And I don’t need you to protect me. I’ve been doing just fine without you and will continue to do so long into the future. Go be dashing and immaculate somewhere else.”

“Get down with your bad self,” Gary muttered. “We don’t need no mens.”

“Tiggy and Gary and Sam don’t need no mens,” Tiggy agreed.

“Maybe,” Ryan said, “if you’d been honest with me, we wouldn’t even be in this position in the first place!”

“Are you two seriously having this argument right now?” Justin asked.

I ignored him as I glared at the back of Ryan’s head. “Bullshit,” I said. “We’re here because a dragon kidnapped your fiancé. Who you swore an oath to.”

“I would like to be kept out of this,” Kevin said. “I feel like there’s a lot of misplaced anger going around. Bow down ter yer god, hoominz.”

“The oath has nothing to do with you,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

“Just as anything having to do with a cornerstone has nothing to do with you,” I said and he recoiled. I had the sense to feel slightly bad at the wounded look on his face. It didn’t matter, though. I was pissed.

But before Ryan could retort with whatever was going on in that stupid head of his, Eloise and the cult rounded the final corner to the keep. Their eyes widened when they saw Kevin sitting regally next to us, tail and wings twitching.

“He… is… glorious,” Eloise breathed.

I wished I could say the same for her, but she looked worse for wear. Her hair was a mess around her face, and I thought she was missing a tooth or two, which went well with the shiner she was sporting on her right eye and a bruise on her cheek suspiciously shaped like a hoofprint.

“Dude,” I said reverently, not even trying to keep my voice down. “Did you kick her in the face?”

Gary preened. “That I did.”

“I love you,” I told him. “Seriously. I am in awe of you.”

“I punched seventeen people,” Tiggy said.

“And you’re my favorite giant ever,” I said. “They will tell stories of your bravery.”

“I punched and kicked people too,” Ryan said.

I ignored him.

“Awkward,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.

“You’re alive?” Eloise asked as she glared at me. “How is that possible?”

“Do god stuff,” I muttered, elbowing Kevin. “Be all godly.”

Kevin took a step forward, his claws digging into the earth. The crowd in front of us said, “Ooooh.”

When he spoke, his voice was deep and rumbly. He sounded ridiculous. “You approacheth my keepeth, mere mortals. What sayeth you for spaketh to me? Eth.”

“Oh my gods,” I said. “Dude. Come on. You had one job.”

“Forgive us, our lord dragon,” Eloise said, curtsying deeply. “We are truly blessed to be in your presence. You humble us by allowing our audience. You are truly a creature of magnificence and beauty.”

“Heh,” Kevin said. “Wicked.”

“My lord dragon, if I may,” Eloise said, eyeing me again. “Why do you harbor the sacrifice? Was the wizard not up to your obviously high standards? I would’ve assumed you’d have eaten him by now.”

“Hey,” I said, offended. “I am, like, the highest of standards.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Justin said under his breath.

“Hmm?” Kevin said. “Oh. Well. I was… saving him. For. A snack. Later. I have irritable bowel syndrome and he looks to be a bit… stringy.”

“Stringy? You listen here, motherfucker. I’ll cut you—”

“And loud,” Kevin said. “But those lips. I was waiting, I guess.”

Eloise’s eyes widened. “You wished to have us here to witness the sacrifice? Oh, my lord. What an honor.” She turned back to her people and clapped her hands together giddily. “The great and venerable dragon god is going to eat the wizard right in front of us!”

“What?” Kevin said.

“What?” I said.

Ryan tensed and tried to push me behind him again. This did not go unnoticed by Justin, who scowled at us.

“He’s not going to eat him,” Ryan snapped.

“I’m not going to eat him,” Kevin said.

“Why?” Eloise asked. Then she frowned. “Unless… you’re… not the god we thought you were.”

“What?” Kevin said. “Shut up. I am totally a god. So godlike. God of Dragons, they call me. Beast from the East. They all say so.”

“Who calls you that?” Gary asked curiously.

“You know,” Kevin said. “Them.”

“Well,” Eloise said. “If you truly are a god, then you should eat the wizard. We are your loyal subjects and we have provided a sacrifice for you.”

“Um,” Kevin said.

“Don’t you dare eat my best friend,” Gary said. “You’ll never know the pleasures of my supple body if you do.”

“Supple, you say?” Kevin asked, his voice a purr.

Eloise grimaced. “Are you really going to listen to this… this blasphemous creature?”

“Honey,” Gary said, “the only thing that’s blasphemous up in here right now is your hair. That shit be tragic.”

“Boom,” Tiggy said and fist/hoof-bumped Gary.

“Dragon,” Eloise snarled. “I command you to eat the wizard.”

And that’s when things screeched to a halt.

Kevin tensed dangerously, spikes along his back quivering.

“Oh, bitch, you gone and done it now,” Gary muttered.

“What did you say?” Kevin asked, voice suddenly more dangerous than I’d ever heard it. He moved then, curling himself almost like a snake, his tail wrapping around all of us. “You command me? A human?”

“If you are truly our god,” she said, “you will rejoice in our sacrifice to you.”

His eyes narrowed. “No one commands me. Least of all you.”

Something flickered in her eyes, almost like fear. The crowd behind her took a step back away from Eloise.

“Dragon,” she tried.

“Tell me,” Kevin growled. “Do you often make demands of your gods? Is that what you think they’re there for? For humans like you to lay your burdens upon them, to do as you ask, and if they don’t, you doubt them? Tell me, woman. Is that what you are asking? Of a god?”

Her eyes turned to slits, mouth a thin line. She straightened her shoulders. Her hands tightened around the handle of the axe she carried. She opened her mouth to undoubtedly give the order to attack, for the people behind her could not disobey an order to sacrifice themselves for her.

But she didn’t get a single word out as the dragon struck quickly, neck stretching, jaws snapping closed. Eloise didn’t even have a chance to make any sound as his neck worked when he swallowed her down. All that remained was the axe on the ground, the handle resting between her feet that jetted twin sprays of blood where they’d been severed at the ankles.

His throat worked as the muscles carried the woman down his esophagus, and when he looked forward again, he grimaced. Coughed once. Burped loudly, and I wondered if it tasted like Eloise. Then he said, “That’s going to be a bitch to pass later.”

“Holy fuck,” I breathed.

Kevin grinned at me.

“You have some cult leader stuck in your teeth,” I said faintly.

He looked at the crowd staring up at him in horror. He raised his head, glared down at them, and said, “Boo.”

They all ran screaming.

 

 

THAT NIGHT, I lay on my back on the roof of the keep, watching the stars above, wondering just how in the hell my life had gotten to this point.

Then I realized it was mostly my fault, and that made me sort of depressed and happy all at the same time.

I told myself that it was because I was extraordinarily complex.

Mostly, though, I believed it was just because I was weird.

The stars were bright above me. Away from the lights of any city, they shone down like beacons in the dark. I had so many, many things I wanted to wish for, but I couldn’t think of a single one. I was exhausted and sad. Tomorrow, Justin and Ryan would start on their way back to the City of Lockes. We would follow them in a few days.

At first, Ryan looked stunned that I was coming back to Castle Lockes instead of going to Castle Freesias. That lasted about two seconds before he started vehemently disagreeing with our plans, saying we should travel together, that it’d be safer.

I told him I was being followed by Darks and was traveling with a dragon. It was safer for the Prince if he was away from me.

Justin, of course, had immediately approved.

Ryan argued.

I told him it wasn’t up for debate.

Ryan had refused to look at me for a long time after that.

Whatever.

I didn’t need his shit.

(I needed his shit.)

(Gods, that sounded wrong.)

It didn’t matter. It didn’t. We’d get back to the city and I would work with Randall and Justin would marry Ryan, and eventually, everything would be okay again. Everything would be—

“I figured you’d be up here,” he said, and I closed my eyes, because of course he would follow me up here. Of course he couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“You figured right,” I said, voice light and even.

I didn’t look over at him as he hoisted himself up through the hatch. He closed the hatch behind him. He obviously wanted this to be private, but beyond that, I didn’t know what else. Whether to try and change my mind about traveling separately or to chew me out for not telling him what a cornerstone was, it didn’t matter. No good could have come from the conversation and I sure as shit wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. I was weak when it came to Ryan Foxheart, and I wouldn’t let him make me weaker.

So when he said, “Mervin, huh?” I flushed furiously and refused to even dignify that with a response.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Should have seen that one.” He moved to stand at the edge of the keep, off to my left. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I kept my gaze resolutely on the stars. “That one’s on me.”

I waited.

“You never would have told me, would you?”

I could have played dumb, but I was done with games. It wasn’t just about this. It was about everything. “No,” I said.

He nodded, as if that’s the answer he expected. “Because of Justin.”

“Partly.”

“Oh? What were the other parts?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does.”

“Why?”

“Because it matters to me.”

“Why?”

“Gods,” he said through gritted teeth. “You infuriate me.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Sam.”

“What?” I just wanted him to go the fuck away.

“I care about you, okay? I do. You have no idea how much or for how long.”

“Stop it,” I said, sitting up and finally looking at him. “Just stop it.” I kept my voice from cracking as best I could. I pushed myself up from the ground. “You can’t say anything like that. You can’t.”

“Why?” he said, taking a step toward me.

“Ryan,” I said, and I was pleading. I was begging for him to shut up. To keep talking. To come closer. To go away.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said, taking another step, and I willed myself to move away. To run as fast as I could, but nothing happened. I was paralyzed in front of him, and I couldn’t even find a fucking flare of magic because my godsdamn cornerstone was standing right in front of me, and I could do nothing that might end up hurting him. “For the longest time. I wanted to walk right up to you and say my name. That I was Ryan. That I was Nox. That I was here because of you, that I did this because I wanted to prove to you that I could. That I crawled out of the slums because of you.”

“You don’t owe me shit,” I said. “You fucked your way to get where you were. You said you were a whore. That you slept with people, men, for money to get out of the slums. You said you wanted to get out of there because of me. If you did, then I made you do that… that thing. That no child should ever have to do. I did that to you. Stop making me out to be some kind of hero when I’m anything but.”

“You can’t blame yourself for the choices I made,” he growled.

And so I swung the trap shut. “Then you can’t blame me for the choices I made too.”

He flinched, but didn’t move away. I could have reached out and touched him, if I’d wanted to. And I wanted to very much. But I couldn’t. “You should have told me,” he said. “The moment you knew, you should have told me.”

“You’re with the Prince. You’re getting married to Justin.”

“I have a right to know.”

I laughed bitterly. “No, you don’t. You didn’t even know what a cornerstone was before… this. This everything. It’s not something for you. It’s not something you need.”

“It’s about me,” he snapped. “You can’t tell me it’s not. You were leaving to go to Randall because you couldn’t control your magic. I fucking help you control your magic. How the hell can you say it’s not for me? That it’s not something I need?”

“It’s not a one-time thing,” I said. “It’s not just you. There could be others. There will be others. Because you can’t be what I need. You can’t be the one to anchor it down. There will be others and I will find them and they will help me and I will show them why I was made for them. I will show them how great I can be, because I will never be anyone’s second choice. I will never be second best to someone I love.”

“No one else,” he said hoarsely. “Sam. You can’t. You can’t.”

“Why? I have to. I don’t have a choice. If I don’t, I am no better than the Darks. Except I am stronger than all of them put together. Do you know what would happen? Do you know what I could do? Ryan. I could destroy everything.”

“No,” he said. “There has to be another way. There will be. We’ll find it. I’ll find it.”

“There is no other way!” I shouted at him.

“There’s always another way,” he snapped. “You can’t just fucking give up.”

“I have to,” I said. “I have to give up on you. Because there is nothing left for me with you.”

“Sam,” he said, and gods, I hated how he said my name. Like I was everything to him. Like I was important. Like I was all he could ever want. “You can’t believe that. You don’t. Just… please. We can—”

“Then let’s go,” I said, taking a step toward him. Challenging him. Already knowing his answer. “Let’s go right now. Leave this behind. Break your oath. Break it and come with me and we’ll be everything together. Break it.”

“Sam,” he choked out, reaching for me in an aborted attempt. “You—I can’t. My word is my honor. I am a Knight of Verania and that is all I am. It’s all I have. I promised my mother that I would be something. And I am. She was all that I had for the longest time and I did this for her. I am doing this for her. She wouldn’t want…I can’t just—”

“And what about me?” I roared at him. “Where the fuck do I fit in with your honor?”

His fingers twitched and then he was cupping my face and saying Sam and please and I want in a fractured voice that I just could not handle. He said, “You don’t have to do this, okay? I promise. I promise. Come back with us. With me. Just… come with me. I’m selfish. I am. I don’t care. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I want you to come back with me and just be there with me. You’ve—okay. I know. I know. It sucks. It’s awful. But I’ll make it work, okay? I can do this. We’ll figure something out. Yes, there’s Justin, okay? And I gave him my fealty. But we can be—”

“Can you even hear what you’re saying?” I asked him, trying to pull my face away. “Can you even hear what you’re asking me to do?”

His grip tightened on my face, not hurting, but not soft, either. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said, sounding more miserable than I’d ever heard him before.

“Why?” I asked again, my eyes never leaving his. It felt quiet, this moment. And huge. My skin was too tight, and I was breaking apart underneath it. I ached and even before he spoke, I knew his words would shatter everything but there was nothing I could do to stop him. “Why are you even pushing this? Why do you care? What the fuck do you want from me?”

And he said, “Can’t you see? Sam. Sam. Gods. It’s—there. It’s here.” He grabbed my hand and held it over his chest. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath my fingers. “It’s here. Ever since I first saw you, you’ve been with me. I couldn’t have forced you away if I tried. I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise.” His voice cracked and my hands shook. “I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”

I can’t be blamed, then.

I can’t be blamed for kissing him.

Because everything broke within me, and I was hollowed-out and empty.

So I kissed him.

I surged forward, and he exhaled into my mouth, a rush stronger than a sigh. I took it in as my eyes fluttered closed and as a day’s worth of his stubble scraped against my chin. I’ve kissed people before. A girl was my first, when I wasn’t sure who I was. Her name was Claire. A boy named Dougie on a dare. A castle guard named Craig when I turned eighteen and got drunk on my birthday. They were kind and sweet, but they were never like this. The tug of my lip as he worried it between his teeth. The slide of his tongue against mine, slick and warm, my heart ratcheting up in my chest. His thumbs on my cheek as he pulled away briefly, lips red and wet. Then he was on me again, pulling us together, our bodies aligning perfectly. The heat of him wormed its way through my clothes, and I might have whimpered quietly. But he swallowed it down, never letting it escape, a secret between us here in the dark, the stars shining down upon us. His breath was hot as he kissed his way up my jaw, the swipe of his tongue against my ear. My fingers curled against his chest, and he was all muscle as I breathed him in, woodsmoke and sweat and blood and we had to stop this. We had to stop before we couldn’t stop. I never wanted to. I never wanted it to end. Which is why it had to.

I said, “No,” my voice like gravel.

He brought his lips again to mine, his tongue insistent as it brushed my lips.

He pulled away, but only just, pressing his forehead against mine. Our eyes were opened, and we panted at each other, holding on tight. His eyes were blown wide, the pupils dilated until there was only a hint of color. His cheeks were blotchy, and his lips were spit-slick, and I thought savagely, I did that. I did that to him, and how my magic sang. It sang because I’d given it what it wanted most, tasting him, having him. For a brief, shining moment, I thought myself capable of anything. Everything. But it faded because I knew the truth. We’d carved out this little space just for him and me, but the moment we let go, the moment we stepped back, it would be over and we’d never have it again.

So I couldn’t be blamed, then. For holding on for just a little bit longer. For thinking this could be real, that it was just this easy. For wishing—wishing harder than I’d ever wished for anything before—that this moment would never end because I’d found someone made for me and I wanted to show Ryan why I was made for him.

He croaked, “Sam.”

“Yeah.”

“My word is my bond,” he said quietly. Desperately. Trying to get me to understand.

“I know.” Because I did.

“I would break it for you. I—”

“Would you?” I asked him. “Would you really?”

And he hesitated.

That was all the answer I needed. I didn’t blame him, not completely. I knew what oaths meant to knights. Especially when made to their kings and future kings. A knight who could not be trusted to honor his oath might as well not be a knight at all. I knew what was important to him. I didn’t blame him. I’d made my own oaths. My own promises. I understood.

And so I let him go.

He tried to hold on, tried to keep me from stepping away, but in the end, he couldn’t without hurting me. His hands trailed down my arms until he gripped my fingers and opened his mouth to say what, I don’t know. Because he closed it again and shook his head, tugging on my hands, trying to pull me back.

“We danced,” he said. “Three times the first time. If I’d known. If I could have known what—Sam. I don’t….”

“We’ll be okay,” I said. “One day. One day, this will all have faded. Everything we feel right now.”

“I don’t want it to fade,” he snapped at me.

“We don’t have a choice. I won’t be your secret. I won’t let you be mine.”

“It won’t be. He’ll understand. He’ll—”

“Ryan. Let me go.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No. I won’t. You can’t make me. You can’t—”

“Ryan.”

“Fuck,” he said. “I wish—”

“I know.”

I pulled my hands away. He let them go this time.

I took a step back. And another. And another.

He never looked away.

Once there was enough space between us so that neither of us could reach out and touch the other, I said, “You’ll leave. In the morning. Take the Old Road back to the City of Lockes. Take what supplies you’ll need. There’s an extra rucksack. Don’t stop. Don’t delay. Don’t wait for us. Go home and be happy. You are a knight commander. You worked hard for it. Be proud, Ryan. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. Marry Justin. He cares about you and you care about him. That will be enough. For your oath.”

“What about you?” he asked, voice ragged.

I smiled, though I felt it tremble. “I’ll be okay. You’ll see. I’ll be okay. I’m Sam of Wilds. I’ll always be okay.”

I thought he was going to say more, to wear me down until I was begging him not to leave, to kiss me just one more time. To never let it stop.

But instead, he nodded. Curled his hands into fists at his sides. Exhaled heavily. His shoulders were tense, but it mattered not. In the starlight, he looked beautiful, and I felt like that little boy again, that fifteen-year-old boy who saw him for the first time and who understood by the stumbling of his heart that nothing would ever be the same again.

“Go,” I said. “Please. Go.”

And he did.

I looked up at the night sky as the sounds of his footsteps faded down the stone steps.

The stars shone brightly.