CHAPTER 6

Ducks, Blueberries, and
Accidental Almost Hand Jobs

 

 

TWO DAYS after the Weirdest Night in History (and yes, it even beat the night forty years ago when the wizard Carlton the Dark Moth somehow managed to replicate himself sixty-seven times and then proceeded to have a self-orgy out in the town square of Meridian City), four invitations for dates came to the castle.

I ignored them at first. I was busy in the labs, trying to catch up on writing my own Grimoire before Morgan chewed my ass. I was at least two chapters behind, and getting trapped in a cave by Lartin certainly hadn’t helped.

A wizard’s Grimoire is his legacy to the world of magic. Or at least that’s what Morgan had told me time and time again. At first, I didn’t see why we couldn’t just share his, but he had just smiled at me, handed me his book, pointed out a relatively minor spell to turn an apple into an orange, and told me to knock myself out.

Which is exactly what I did.

When I woke up four days later with my eyebrows singed off, Morgan had told me that a Grimoire’s spells were meant to be tailored to the individual wizard who wrote them. Morgan’s Grimoire was in tune with Morgan and his magic. Since he was my mentor, his magic was intertwined with my own, which is why I only lost my eyebrows and not a hand or a foot.

Magic isn’t just the wave of a hand or the utterance of a word. Morgan best explained it in that a wizard is like a conductor to a symphony. It’s the specific timing, the cadence, the movements that allow the magic to occur. Without a conductor, the beat could be lost and dissolve into a blaring cacophony.

Without a knowledgeable wizard or a guiding hand, the magic could be fatal to the caster.

Morgan had shelf after shelf of Grimoires of the wizards that had come before him in the Verania line that would one day go to me. I tried not to think about that part. It felt like way too much responsibility.

So I experimented in ancient tongues. I conducted the magic, listening to it sing. There were colors here. So many colors that it was easy to get lost in them. To be overwhelmed by them. Morgan had said once that he’d gotten so far into the colors that the edges of reality had started to bleed together, like the world was melting around him. He’d made a mistake and almost didn’t make it back out. He never clarified what he’d seen in those moments. What he’d heard. He’d recounted the story to me as a warning of the addictiveness of magic. It was so easy to go too far.

Morgan never let me. He kept my boundaries contained and controlled. Every now and then I’d wonder how I could ever know how far my magic could go if it was always boxed in, but I never pushed. Morgan knew more than I did. I trusted him to know what was best for me.

“You’re going to need to answer these invites.”

Well. Most of the time.

“Fall off a cliff,” I told him pleasantly, not bothering to look up from my Grimoire, where I was jotting down a particularly difficult and complex equation that would allow me to create fireworks out of corn kernels. You know. The important stuff.

“I did that once,” he said. “I was being chased by a particularly pissed-off manticore. He knocked me off the cliff and into a river all because I’d inadvertently insulted his mother. To be fair, she was a magnificent bitch who had tried to eat me the week before, so I was justified. I woke up four days later without any knowledge of who I was and spent the next six months working in a traveling carnival.”

I gaped at him.

“I was the bearded lady,” he said. “At some point during those four days that I was passed out, I’d somehow managed to grow a pair of breasts. It was an odd and trying time, but I came out stronger because of it.”

“Only you would learn a life lesson from being a bearded lady with amnesia,” I said.

“Everything is a life lesson,” Morgan said. “Like these invitations from potential suitors.”

“Your segue was clunky and I am embarrassed for you.”

“This won’t go away if you ignore it. You know better than anybody that when the King sets his mind to something, there will be follow-through or fallout.”

I rolled my eyes. “I have better things to do.”

“Like dance with a certain knight for fifteen minutes?”

I gritted my teeth. “Not my fault. He wiled me. With his ways. I was desperate to escape, but was duty bound as my position of your apprentice to save face. For you.”

Morgan laughed. “Because you’ve cared about that in the past. Clunky segue incoming. The King has appointed said knight as your chaperone for any upcoming outings of a romantic nature.”

“Kill me,” I begged him. “If you have any respect for me at all, you will end my life right this second.”

Morgan shook his head. “I am too fond of you to see you go.”

“Sentimental bastard.” I paused, considering. “I am sort of fond of you too. Though right this second, I couldn’t tell you a single reason why.”

He flipped through the invites. “Pick one. Pick all of them. But at least pick one. And when you go out, remain vigilant. The Darks are probably still pissed, even if it was scum of the earth like Lartin. If I think any of this is interfering with our work, I’ll pull the plug. But I’ll know if you’re throwing it on purpose, Sam. You know as well as I do what will happen if you can’t find a proper cornerstone for your magic.”

I groaned. “Not the cornerstone thing again. I don’t need someone to help anchor my magic. And even if I did, I have you. And Gary and Tiggy. And my parents.”

He shook his head. “It’s not the same thing. Especially now that you’ve come of age.”

“This whole thing was your idea, wasn’t it?” I accused him. “The King tried to take credit for it, but you did it.”

He shrugged. “Mutual exchange of ideas.”

Fine. “Is there one from a man named Todd?” I asked.

“There is.”

“Send the response. Throw the others away.”

“No sex on the first date,” Morgan said. “Don’t give up all the goods. Save some of it for later. You have to keep him coming back somehow. The gods only know it won’t be from your sparkling personality alone.”

“I feel like you not existing would be an okay thing for me right now,” I said. “Also, I’ve started a new chapter on the Grimoire that deals specifically with memory alteration and breast augmentation. Take that for what you will.”

“A threat?”

“A threat,” I confirmed.

He smiled at me. “You are going to be an amazing wizard. Mark my words.”

 

 

I DIDN’T see Ryan again until he was to act as my chaperone three days later.

I was totally okay with that.

Because I had a plan.

Fuck Ryan. I didn’t need him.

“It’ll be the Date to End All Dates,” I told Gary as he nosed his way through my closet. “And yes, before you ask, it is capitalized just like it sounds. Great plans should always be capitalized.”

“Why is that?” Mom asked as she came into the room smelling of earth and lilies and lichen.

“To ensure their success,” I said, posing in front of the mirror.

“I don’t think that’s quite how it works,” Dad said, coming in behind her. They went and fussed over Tiggy, who pulled them into his lap where he sat on the floor. We didn’t know much about where Tiggy had come from before Gary met him, but he’d been touch and attention starved. My parents had unofficially adopted him almost immediately, and he adored them both.

“You just have to believe,” I said as I flexed.

“I believe you should work out more if you’re going to keep doing that,” Gary said. “Because it’s making me feel sad for you.”

“Do we like Todd?” Mom asked.

“We do,” I said.

“Sort of,” Gary said.

“No. Not sort of. If I have to do this, then he’s good enough. He’s nice. And has these ears.”

“Ringing endorsement,” Dad said.

“I have priorities,” I said.

“As we’ve heard a thousand times,” Mom said as Tiggy brushed a finger through her hair.

“I need to finish the Grimoire,” I said as if she hadn’t spoken at all. “Then I have to find a binding for it. Morgan says that a wizard’s Grimoire needs to be bound with great care, either by the skin of an enemy defeated in battle or a material hard-won in the face of adversity.”

“I think I prefer the material hard-won,” Mom said. “It sounds less… brutal.”

“And that’s why I have priorities,” I said.

“Maybe you should prioritize getting a new wardrobe,” Gary said. “Your clothes remind me of sadness.”

“I’m an adventurer,” I said. “I have no time for fashion.”

“You are a wizard in the King’s Court,” Dad reminded me as Tiggy pressed his big nose into his hair.

“Apprentice,” Gary said. “Just make with the magic and conjure up some clothes.”

I frowned. “That’s frivolous.”

“And?”

“You know how Morgan feels about frivolous magic. Magic is important. It’s not meant to be for something mundane.”

“You tied my mouth shut with shiny rope,” Gary said.

“That was important. I didn’t want you talking anymore. That wasn’t frivolous.”

“How is the corn kernel firework spell coming along?” Dad asked.

“Great! I think I… and I see what you did there.”

“I did nothing,” Dad said innocently.

“Except lie. You liar. How cool would it be to have corn in the growing season ignite into fireworks to let you know when it’s ready to be picked?”

“Unless the fireworks light the corn on fire,” Mom said.

“And burn down villages,” Dad said.

“And make people homeless and dead,” Gary said.

“You smell good,” Tiggy said to my father.

“Sam of Wilds’s Amazing Firework Corn,” I said. “It’s been capitalized, so now it’s a good idea.”

“It’s like all our wishes for the future have come true,” Dad told Mom. “Remember when you were pregnant with him? I would whisper into your stomach that he would make exploding corn when he grew up.”

Mom leaned in and kissed him gently. “Those were the days.”

Tiggy wrapped them both in a hug. “I love you guys,” he said.

“Get out,” I said. “All of you. I just realized I only have ten minutes until I go on my first date and I need to have a freak-out before I go downstairs.”

They complied immediately. I had trained them well.

“You’ll do fine,” Mom said as she kissed my cheek.

“Don’t tell him about the corn,” Dad said as he hugged me close.

“If he hurt you, I smash him,” Tiggy said, patting my back.

“Have fun on your date with Ryan,” Gary said.

“You bitch,” I said.

Gary leaned in and put his forehead to mine. “I put clothes out for you on the bed,” he said quietly. “Try to have some fun, okay? Don’t freak out too bad. Wake me up when you get home if you need to.”

“I’m going to mess this up,” I groaned.

“Probably. But that’s okay too. I’ll still be here.”

“I love your face,” I told him seriously.

“It’s a pretty good face,” he agreed.

And then I was by myself.

“Well, fuck,” I said as I looked back in the mirror. “You can do this. You got this. You’re golden. It’s just a date. Only a date. A first date. With a man. Who is nice. And being chaperoned by another man. Who is… someone I am not thinking about. Todd. Todd. Todd. I like his ears and his freckles, and he stumbles over his words and it’s awesome. I might want to kiss him. Maybe I will even blow him.” My reflection’s eyes went wide. “Okay, sorry. Sorry. No blow jays. You haven’t practiced yet. Mental note, practice blow jobs. Okay. Good talk. Let’s do this.”

Gary had laid out gray trousers that were soft and worn thin paired with a green tunic that was a little tight across the chest. Trusting my hornless gay unicorn best friend, I just went with it. I quickly dressed and checked out the result in the mirror.

“I am a sex god,” I said in awe. “Well. Kind of. Okay. Not really. And self-esteem is quickly deflating. Feeling sad now.”

There was a knock on my chamber door.

Shit.

“Just a minute,” I called.

I used that minute to have a complete meltdown. It went well, as far as meltdowns go.

I opened the door, resigned. Pete was on the other side, looking far too amused.

“I don’t even want to hear it,” I grumbled.

“I wasn’t going to say a word,” he said.

“You,” I said. “Not saying a single word.”

He shrugged. “Well, a few words. Your date for the evening has arrived and is waiting in the lobby. And the Knight Commander is there too.” He was struggling not to smile. “There might be some… posturing involved.”

“Posturing,” I repeated.

“Intimidation tactics, even,” Pete said.

“Who is Todd trying to intimidate?” I asked, sounding shocked.

Pete covered his face with his hands and groaned. “I worry for the future of this kingdom.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to be a part of that future. I think we’ll be just fine.”

“Because of your level of awareness?”

“Exactly,” I said, smiling at him. He knew me so well.

He muttered something that sounded like “we’re all doomed,” but I couldn’t be sure as I was too busy shutting my chamber doors.

 

 

TODD DIDN’T seem to be posturing in the slightest as I descended the stairs. In fact, he looked downright terrified.

Ryan stood right next to him, a bland expression on his face.

Morgan was leaning against the wall, humming quietly to himself.

“This was a bad idea,” I breathed.

Which, of course, they heard. They snapped their gazes to the stairs.

“Eep!” Todd said.

“Sam,” Ryan said.

Morgan just smiled enigmatically.

“Heeey,” I said, giving an awkward wave.

Then we all just stood there.

For, like, two whole minutes.

Just staring.

Morgan cleared his throat pointedly.

Todd said, “Um. Yes. Right. My cue. Thank you, my good man.” He took a step forward. And then another. “Sam! You look—”

I waited.

“—just… grand,” he finished.

“Thank you, Todd,” I said. “You look very nice.” And he did. He wore a tight waistcoat over a white shirt and a silver cravat. “Your ears are still awesome.”

And he flushed.

Ryan scowled.

Morgan rolled his eyes.

“These are for you.” Todd handed me a tiny mesh bag. Inside were a collection of beautiful seashells shining gold and yellow and white. They were Rovian shells, specifically, that I needed for a spell I had yet to complete. I hadn’t had the time to gather them myself. The nearest coast was ten miles away.

I glanced up at Morgan, because this had to be his doing. There was no way Todd could have known about these. Morgan winked at me.

I looked back to Todd, who watched me with a concerned look on his face. “These are perfect,” I said quietly. “Just what I needed. Thank you.”

And he smiled, low and sweet. “I collected them myself.”

“That makes them even better,” I said honestly.

“Shall we?”

I nodded and he led the way out of the castle, Ryan trailing behind us.

This was nice. It was a nice start. Everything was good.

Everything would be fine.

 

 

EVERYTHING WAS not fine.

Well, it started off fine.

But then it escalated very, very quickly.

The carriage ride was made in near silence. I climbed in first, and Todd sought to follow and sit next to me. Ryan cleared his throat and shook his head. Todd must have gotten the message because he quickly moved to the other side of the carriage, eyes wide.

Ryan sat right next to me, crossing his considerable arms over his considerable chest.

And stared at Todd.

Because I’d never met a silence that I didn’t at least attempt to fill, I said, “So, this is… festive.”

Todd said, “Quite.”

Ryan stared.

Silence.

I said, “Where are we off to this fine evening?”

Todd said, “Antonella’s. It’s the restaurant in one of my dad’s hotels. It’s new and very high class.”

Ryan stared.

I said, “At the hotel, huh? If the evening goes well enough, maybe we could just get a room after.” It was a joke. An awful, awful joke.

Todd whispered, “Sweet gods.”

Ryan glared.

Silence.

So I said, “I was just joking. I’m not really going to fuck you on our first date.” For clarification.

Todd said, “Sweet gods.”

Ryan glared.

Silence.

I couldn’t help but say, “Well, maybe a hand job if you’re lucky. I’ve got nice—”

Ryan put his hand over my mouth.

Todd was sweating.

I thought about licking Ryan’s hand.

Todd said weakly, “It’s going to be a lovely evening.”

 

 

ANTONELLA’S WAS classy. Bright and shiny and new. A string quartet played softly in the background. Crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, the candles lit and flickering.

We were led to a table away from the others, a booth in a cozy corner. I knew this was the point where Ryan would have to bow out and keep his distance. It’s not like I was on a date with him. At the very least, he should have given us some semblance of privacy.

Instead, he loomed over the table, standing with his back to us….

I said, “Go away.”

He said, “I’m on guard.”

I said, “I don’t need you to be.”

“King’s orders.”

“I’m going to throw breadsticks at the back of your head. You’re going to be so embarrassed because everyone is going to see you getting hit in the head with breadsticks.”

“Try it and see what happens,” he said with a sneer.

Todd said, “So.”

And then I remembered Todd was there.

I was such a dick.

I sat down and put my full attention on Todd.

That seemed to make him more nervous.

I smiled at him.

That seemed to make him even more nervous. I needed to calm him down.

I said, “I was kidding about the hand job thing.”

“Oh dear,” he said.

Ryan snorted loudly.

I ignored him. “So. Todd.”

He nodded, throat working.

“How is your… life?” Smooth, that. And all encompassing.

“It’s good,” he said quickly. “Um. So good. Father is talking of retirement soon, and I’ll be taking over operations of the hotels.”

“That sounds exciting. Especially for one so young.” I picked up a glass of water to sip.

He flushed. “I hope so. It’s a lot of responsibility.” And then it seemed like he wanted to take that back. “But not so much that I won’t be able to see you! If we are to marry, then I will make as much time for you as you require.”

I sprayed water onto the table and coughed. “That’s… good. That’s… if we marry. Whoa. Like. What?”

“Sorry!” Todd said like he’d offended me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean if. I meant when.”

I knocked over the glass of water onto the table. It spilled all over Todd.

“Oh shit,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I’m not usually this awkward.” Well, that was a lie. This was about par for the course. I scooted over in the booth and took a cloth napkin and started dabbing the water off of Todd. It took a minute before I realized I was rubbing his crotch. I stared in horror.

“Oh gods,” Todd moaned.

“Sam,” Ryan snapped. “What the hell?”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. “I’m not giving him a hand job!” I shouted. “I’m just trying to get him dry!”

The restaurant went silent as everyone looked over at us.

“I said that really loudly, didn’t I?”

“Sam?” Todd squeaked. “Could you… move? Your hand?”

I looked back down, and my hand was still in his lap. “Sorry,” I said, patting his crotch a couple of times. “My bad.”

Todd looked like he was about to faint.

Ryan didn’t bother turning back around or moving away from the table.

“No more sneak hand jobs,” I told him. “I promise. My virtue is still intact.”

“I highly doubt that,” he said.

“So much sass,” I said. “How come no one knows you’re so sassy?”

“It doesn’t often come up in conversation,” he deadpanned.

A waiter came over, looking somewhat apprehensive. “Is everything okay, Duke Goldwaithe?”

“Duke Todd Goldwaithe,” I said, trying it out. “Mrs. Sam Goldwaithe.”

Everyone stared at me.

I waved my hand at them. “It’s a thing Gary and I do.” Mrs. Sam Foxheart sounded amazing, but I didn’t think now was the right time to say that out loud. Or ever.

They still stared.

“Gary? My best friend? The hornless gay unicorn? The fiercest diva in existence? Nothing? Ryan, you know who I’m talking about. After all, you were practically fondling him at the celebration.”

He looked like it hurt him to acknowledge that yes, he did in fact know the fiercest diva in existence. “There was no fondling,” he said roughly.

“There was fondling,” I told the waiter. He looked terrified. “And demands of peeled frozen grapes. It was, like… this whole thing. You aren’t laughing. Maybe you had to be there.”

The waiter just nodded.

“I’m starving,” I said. “What’s for dinner?”

The waiter cleared his throat. “Pan-seared duck breast with blueberry sauce and roasted potatoes.”

Uh-oh. “I’m—”

Ryan said, “Sam is allergic to duck. And blueberries.”

I said, “What?”

Todd said, “Oh dear.”

The waiter said, “So he’s allergic to the full meal.”

“Not the potatoes,” Ryan said.

I said, “What?”

Todd said, “You’re allergic to blueberries?”

Ryan said, “And the duck.”

“I swell up,” I said to Todd. “I look like a mountain troll. It’s really weird. I don’t want to do that on the first date. That’s like a fourth or fifth-date thing. Or a never thing. Because of the swelling.”

“Blueberries,” Todd said.

“We have other things,” the waiter said.

“Everything on this menu says duck,” Ryan said as he plucked it from the table

“It’s sort of a theme night,” Todd said faintly.

“You have a duck theme night?” I asked. “That’s epic. And deadly. If you’re allergic.”

“Maybe not a lot of other things,” the waiter said.

“Basically everything on the menu will kill him,” Ryan said.

“Blueberries,” Todd said.

“How did you know that?” I asked Ryan.

“There’s potatoes and bread,” the waiter said. “And blueberry wine. Wait. We have water.”

“Potatoes and bread?” I said with a frown. “But the carbs.”

Ryan said, “I know things.”

Todd said, “Oh my gods. Are you going to swell now? Is just breathing the duck and blueberry air going to kill you?” He sounded like he was panicking.

“It might,” Ryan said. He didn’t sound like he was panicking.

“It won’t,” I said, reaching out and patting Todd’s hand.

“It might,” Ryan insisted. Sort of panicking. Barely panicking.

I rolled my eyes. “You and Gary are such drama queens. I’m not going to sniff it up close.” I glanced at Todd. “Though, there will be no making out later if you eat duck. You’ll make my tongue swell.” I waggled my eyebrows at him.

Todd choked on air.

“So,” the waiter said, “I’ll bring you potatoes and bread.”

“And more water,” I said. “Because I spilled it on the table. And then it turned inappropriate when I tried to clean it up. I’m going to have to work out even more now tomorrow to make up for all the potatoes and bread. Okay. I feel bad. That was a lie. I’m not going to work out at all. That sounds just awful.”

The waiter practically ran away.

“I like him,” I said. “Very quick service. Good job, Todd.”

“Thanks?”

Ryan said, “Are you breathing okay?” He leaned down, hands on the table, until he was level with me. “Take a deep breath.”

I did. And then, because I was an asshole, I started gasping and grabbing my throat.

They both freaked.

I laughed at them.

They weren’t amused.

“Calm the fuck down,” I said. “We’re having fun.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Ryan growled at me.

“And how do you know things?” I asked him, narrowing my eyes.

He shrugged. “I just do.”

“That’s a nonanswer.”

“You want to make out with me?” Todd asked.

“Let’s see how the evening goes first,” I said. “You’re off to a good start. Mostly. Maybe not the Food of Death thing.”

“No making out,” Ryan said.

“Eep,” Todd said.

“Go away. I’m on a date.”

He turned and glared at Todd. He tried to look intimidating. It must have worked because Todd was intimidated. “No making out,” he said.

“No making out,” Todd agreed quickly.

“Ryan, the tip of your sword is poking me,” I said. Because it was. I don’t know why he thought he needed to come fully knighted-out. Talk about going overboard. “You’re getting it all over me.”

And then Ryan blushed.

I said “Oh crap” in a slightly strangled voice. I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any more attractive. But he had done so exponentially and it made my insides burn.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he pulled it away.

“Sure,” I said faintly. “Sure.” I wondered how to go about asking him to poke me with his sword again.

Todd said, “Blueberries?”

The waiter came back with potatoes and bread.

And it was around that time that we were accosted by Dark wizards. Really. With the way everything else had gone so far, it should have been expected.

“None of these touched any duck or blueberries,” the waiter said.

“That’s very kind of you and it looks lovely and holy shit I’m pretty sure we’re about to get in a fight.”

The waiter’s eyes widened.

Todd slunk lower in his seat.

Ryan whirled around, drawing his sword. Didn’t even question me. I liked that in a man.

I stood.

Four Dark wizards had entered the restaurant. I knew them because of the crests they wore on their robes, similar to the one Lartin had been wearing. The one in the front was thick and squat, like a tree trunk. His eyebrows were amazing, almost covering his entire forehead. His eyes fell on me and he scowled.

“Sam of Wilds!” he shouted. The restaurant fell silent as people looked back and forth between us.

“I like your eyebrows,” I told him. “Way to buck societal norms of how eyebrows should normally look. Down with the system and all that.”

“Sam,” Ryan said in warning.

“What? Look at them and tell me you didn’t think the same thing.”

“We are here to have our revenge!” the Dark wizard snapped.

“Oh no,” I groaned. “He’s going to monologue.”

“You have taken one of our own from us. Lartin the Dark Leaf was a magnificent wizard who had grown up with the weight and expectation of a father that—”

“They do this,” I told Ryan. “Villains. Every time. Whenever they capture me, they monologue. I don’t understand why.”

“You need to stop getting captured,” he said, flourishing his sword like a badass. “I don’t think my heart can take it anymore.”

“Are you even listening?” the squat wizard asked. “I have this whole thing to say before the revenge part happens.”

“It’s not like I do it on purpose,” I said to Ryan. “I can’t help it if people want to get all up on this.”

He rolled his eyes. “That must be it. They just can’t stay away from all of that.” His eyes traveled up and down my body.

“So much sass,” I said in awe. “You’re like a sass master. You and Gary should have a sass-off to see who would be crowned Queen Sass. Fair warning: he would win. But you could be Princess Sass.”

“Guys?” the Dark wizard said.

“I’m not a princess,” Ryan said with a scowl.

“I notice how you didn’t say anything about being a queen,” I pointed out.

“I don’t like losing,” he said.

I smiled at him. “You can be the queen,” I allowed. “Just don’t tell Gary I said that. Friendships have ended for a lot less than that.”

“They do know we’re here, right?” Squat Wizard asked his fellow Darks. “Like, I’m not invisible? I didn’t accidentally cast an invisibility spell on myself while walking over?”

“I can see you,” one of the Darks said. “You’re not invisible.”

Squat Wizard looked relieved. “That would have been embarrassing. You know? Like barging in here and saying ‘I’m here to have revenge’ and not realizing I was invisible. And then having to make myself visible and say it all over again. It wouldn’t sound as realistic the second time around. Very forced and unbelievable.”

“This is almost worse than monologuing,” I told Ryan. “One time, I was kidnapped by a group of thieves when I was fifteen. They thought they could use me to break into the castle vaults. The leader went on for four hours about how perfect their plan was. But he’d forgotten to bind my magic and I turned them into deck chairs on accident.”

“On accident?”

“I was trying to turn them into lawn chairs,” I explained. “There’s a difference.”

Ryan laughed quietly. “I hadn’t heard that one.”

I tried to ignore just how awesome his laugh was. “It was before you came to the castle. A few months, anyway.”

Fifteen-year-old Sam had seen twenty-year-old Ryan for the first time and had immediately run upstairs and jerked off. It had been a revolutionary and enlightening experience that essentially answered the question that yes, I was indeed very, very gay. I didn’t share that with Ryan and the Dark wizards because now was not the time or place. Or never. Never sounded good too.

“Maybe they’re trapped,” one of the Darks said. “Like in a fog of magic. And they can’t hear you anymore.”

“You think?” Squat Wizard asked. He raised his voice and called out, “Can you hear me?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m trying to have a conversation here. I’m on a date.”

“With a knight?” Squat Wizard asked.

My face felt hot. “Uh. No? No. With Todd. Say hi, Todd.” I pointed back at Todd, who looked like he wished I hadn’t done that. He gave a small wave to Squat Wizard and said, “Heeeeyyy.”

Squat Wizard frowned. “Sorry. I just thought you were with the knight. You haven’t said a single thing to Todd since we got here.”

“I’m protecting him,” I said defensively. “He’s nice.”

“Nice?” Squat Wizard said. “That’s not a ringing endorsement.”

“You’re nice,” I told Todd. “That’s totally ringing. I like your ears.”

Todd blushed.

Ryan said, “Everyone has ears, Sam. Gods.” He was all growly.

“I’m aware of that, Ryan. I am being complimentary!”

“Is that what you call it?”

“Hey, just because you—”

“Oh boy,” Squat Wizard said. “I totally get it now.”

“Get what?” I asked.

The Dark wizards laughed.

I cocked my head at them.

They stopped laughing.

Squat Wizard said, “You’re being serious.”

“About what?” I was confused.

“Wow,” one of the Darks said. “That’s gotta be super uncomfortable. For everyone involved.”

“It’s so obvious,” Squat Wizard said. “Like, the most obvious thing I’ve ever seen.”

His Darks agreed.

“What is?” I asked.

“My head hurts,” Squat Wizard said.

“People say that around me a lot,” I told Ryan. “Must be my magic or something.”

“Or something,” Ryan agreed. “Like all the talking.”

“Her Majesty, Queen Sass,” I announced to everyone in the room.

No one seemed to get the joke because they didn’t laugh.

“Tough crowd,” I muttered.

“I think they’re more concerned with imminent death,” Ryan said.

“Oh. Right. Well. Can’t have that.” I looked back at the Darks. “This has been fun. Maybe come back and see me some time? You guys seem nice.” I gave them the ol’ Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is big eyes and big smile at full blast. Ryan made a strange noise at my side, like he’d been punched in the stomach.

Squat Wizard smiled back and said, “Aww. You too, Sam. We’ll just get out of your hair and let you enjoy your evening. So sorry for interrupting. Remember—”

One of his Darks tugged on his shoulder and leaned over to whisper in his ear.

“What now?” Squat Wizard said. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh…. You don’t say…. We did what…? Uh-huh. Uh-huh…. Oh. Right.” He turned back and glared at me.

“Dammit,” I muttered. “I thought that would work.”

Ryan choked out a laugh. “I can’t believe it almost did. Has it ever?”

“Once? No. Four times.”

He sighed. “You have got to stop putting yourself in these situations.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll get right on that.”

“Sam of Wilds!” Squat Wizard shouted. “You took the life of Lartin the Dark Leaf. A fine, upstanding Dark wizard who loved long walks through the forest and the smell of vanilla-scented candles and eating pudding. You have taken his life, and now we shall take yours. And that of the knight since he has chosen to stand with you. Maybe even little Todd there.”

Morgan was going to kill me.

A flicker of green off to the side. Maybe some gold.

There was a reason I didn’t use my magic much out in public, something that he and I had agreed upon when he’d tested me shortly after finding me with the boys of stone. He didn’t want people knowing the extent of my power. Ryan hadn’t heard about the thief-chair thing because Morgan had gotten there first and changed them back. No one knew about it, and I was a bit foolish to have spoken of it. Because I was strong. Very strong.

Stronger than Morgan.

Stronger than the Darks.

In fact, Morgan thought I might have been the strongest wizard he’d ever heard of.

And that scared him.

And it scared me too.

It scared him because he was always worried about what people would try to do to me if they found out. There were always others out there that wanted nothing more than to harness all the power they could get their hands on.

It scared me because I was always worried about what I would do to people. I had turned a group of boys to stone with just a thought.

So we agreed to keep it quiet as much as we could. Until we knew more.

It’d been ten years. The only thing we’d really learned was that we still didn’t know where my limits lay. There was always a ceiling to magic, a point where it could go no further. Magic is bound by laws much like physics or mathematics.

The problem is those laws didn’t seem to apply to me, and I hadn’t yet found my ceiling.

Which is why I needed a cornerstone.

A cornerstone is the first stone set in the construction of a foundation. All other stones are set based upon the placement of the cornerstone. It determines the position of a structure.

Magic is the same. It needs a set foundation in order to properly grow. It was possible I didn’t know my ceiling because I didn’t know where my foundation began. I could use Morgan or Gary or Tiggy. My parents. And I did. But it was getting harder and harder to use them the older I got.

Hence the matchmaking.

“It’ll be worse,” Morgan had told me once. “When you feel threatened. Or when those you care about are threatened. It’ll be harder to control.”

The Darks were threatening me. That was fine. I was used to being threatened. I could deal with it.

But they had also threatened Ryan. And that was not okay.

Oh, and Todd. They had threatened Todd too.

That was important.

Still.

I stepped forward, and Ryan said, “Sam.”

People moved then. They must have seen something on my face because they just scattered out of the way, shoving their chairs out, scrambling until there was no one between us and the Darks.

I said, “You can leave now. Or I’ll make you leave. Your choice. To be honest, though, you won’t like it if I’m the one to make you leave.” I could see the green clearly now. And the gold.

Squat Wizard laughed. “Says the apprentice.”

The other Darks smirked behind him.

Ryan came up to stand beside me. He pulled his shield from off his back and took a fighting stance next to me, eyes narrowed.

Something settled somewhere in my head, locking into place. My shoulders eased and my magic felt tighter. More focused. More in control.

Through the haze of green and gold, I thought, Oh no.

But the thought was lost as I pulled the green and gold to me. They were the top colors, the earth magic. Other colors shifted in and out (reds and blues and purples and indigos).

The Darks moved. They muttered to themselves and magic began to build.

They were broadcasting. Every single move. Like I wouldn’t know.

There were people here, I reminded myself. Innocent people.

And Ryan. Ryan was at my side, and nothing could happen to him.

Which is why when the Dark on the right launched a blue fireball at me, I held my hand out in front of me and pulled it in. It hovered in the air, inches from my palm. It would have been so easy to fire it back at them tenfold, igniting their hair and clothes and skin. But others would get hurt. Others would suffer.

So I pulled it into myself.

It felt odd, another’s magic mixing with my own. But mine consumed it, making it a part of me. There was a bright flare in the green and gold and then it settled.

The fireball was gone.

I lowered my hand.

And the Dark wizards just stared.

“Um,” Squat Wizard said. “What?”

I closed my eyes. I tilted my head to the side, stretching the muscles, popping my neck. Took a deep breath. Let it out slowly.

I opened my eyes.

The Darks took a step back as one.

“I gave you a chance,” I said. “You should have taken it.”

I could have killed them easily. It was well within my right to do so. They had attacked us first and there would be no repercussions for such actions. I would be justified and no one would say a thing against me.

My fingers tingled and I thought just how easy it would be. A couple of old words I’d never spoken aloud before, a flick of my wrist, and I knew their hearts would explode in their chests.

But I was not that person. I was not a murderer.

So I thought tae and dao and fie and raised my hands to conduct my symphony.

There was green. So much green because the earth was green and the earth was all around us. I moved my hands down, then up. There was a crack of wood as columns of rock shot up through the floorboards, molding up and around each Dark before they could move. I curled my hands into fists. The rock covered their legs and arms and went up to their necks and I almost thought to just keep going or maybe collapse the rock in on itself and it’d be over, all over for them. But then Ryan was right there and I could hear him breathing, could feel his hand coming to my neck and squeezing just once so I stopped.

The haze of green and gold faded.

I closed my eyes.

I took another breath.

Let it out.

Opened my eyes.

Everyone was staring at me.

“Huh,” I said. “I’ve never done that before.” I looked over at Ryan, who still had his hand on my neck. “Can you remind me to write this into the Grimoire when we get back? If Morgan doesn’t murder me first?”

Ryan said in a hoarse voice, “Ungh. Yeah. Yeah. I can do that.” His pupils looked dilated. He squeezed my neck again before pulling his hand away.

I beamed at him. “Thanks.”

He said “Ungh” again.

Squat Wizard said, “My gods. How did you do that?”

I shrugged. “I’m a wizard.” Ha, and Gary wasn’t even there to correct me. He was going to flip when I told him about this.

The Darks all gaped at me.

“Oh,” I said with a wince, “and can you totally just keep this a secret? Like, from everyone? That would be so cool of you. I’d owe you one.” I glanced around the room, trying to look each person in the eye so they could see how sincere I was.

They all just nodded.

I felt relieved.

It was going to be fine.

 

 

IT WAS not fine.

The next day, there were headlines being called out on the streets in the City of Lockes.

“THE APPRENTICE TO THE KING’S WIZARD SINGLE-HANDEDLY TOOK DOWN AN ARMY OF DARKS WITH THE POWER OF HIS MIND ALONE! WITNESSES SAY HIS EYES GLOWED WITH AN UNHOLY AND SOMEWHAT FLATTERING LIGHT! FIRST DATE WITH THE GOLDWAITHE MOGUL’S SON CONSIDERED TO BE A ROUSING SUCCESS! IMPENDING WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT EXPECTED! READ IT HERE FIRST!”

Fuck.