CHAPTER 19

Things Are About to Get Corny

 

 

MY SELF-REFLECTION and obviously extraordinarily valid man pain and angst came to a crashing halt only fifteen minutes later.

“So. Much. Corn,” I breathed.

“Oh no,” Gary said. “Sam—”

Because there was. It was still very early in the season, but fields upon fields stretched with tiny corn stalks, and all I could picture in my head was months down the road when they’d be taller than I was and how everyone was going to need Sam of Wilds’s Amazing Fireworks Corn because how else would they know when the corn was ready? Sure, these people had probably been growing corn for hundreds of years, but they didn’t know what I knew! And there was no person in existence that didn’t like fireworks, which was why my idea was so brilliant to begin with.

Fuck Morgan and his insistence that it would never work.

In fact.

“Morgan!” I bellowed when he answered the summoning crystal. “You magnificent bastard. The corn! The corn.”

“No,” Morgan said. “No. Sam. No.”

“You don’t understand. There is acres of it. It goes on as far as I can see. And I can see very far.”

“Sam.”

“Morgan. Listen. I am giving you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here. You can be part of all of this.” I waved the crystal around to show him.

He sighed. “Sam, you realize I can’t actually see anything, right?”

“You have a very vivid imagination.”

“Do I?” he said, dry as I’d ever heard him.

“Business partners!” I said, not willing to be deterred. “Sure, it’ll take some time to build up the capital, and I’ll probably need you to invest in the startup. Maybe half. Okay. I lied. All of it. I’m pretty sure I don’t have any money. Well, I do, but you keep it in the banks and won’t let me touch it.”

“Because you want to make firework corn.”

“To be fair,” Gary said, “there is a lot of corn. And when it burns down the fields, it’ll probably go quickly. I don’t think anyone will suffer when they burn. Too much.”

“I will leave you in the Dark Woods,” I hissed at him.

“Sam, there will be no firework corn,” Morgan said. “I think it might be time that you let that one go.”

I glared at the crystal in my hands. “You know, Morgan, when you took me to the castle the first time, I wish you’d told me that your main job was to crush dreams.”

“Because you would have done what, exactly?”

“Given you more hugs because your soul is obviously black and withered.”

“Crisis averted,” he said, and with that, I was filled with such an ache. It’d been weeks since I’d seen Morgan. He was my mentor, but more than that, he was my friend. Our magic was entwined, and not for the first time, I wondered if he could be my cornerstone. I’d never asked him if wizards could do that for each other. He calmed me, but it didn’t necessarily settle my magic. But maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough.

Deep down, I knew, though. Deep down, I thought it might only be Ryan. Even if Morgan had told me that there could be others, in my secret heart, in the place that wished to the stars, there was only Ryan.

“Uh-oh,” Gary said.

“What?” Morgan asked.

“Sam is having an overabundance of feelings.”

“I get hugs,” Tiggy said. “Sam has feelings, Tiggy gets hugs.”

“What brought this on?” Morgan sighed.

“I miss your face,” I told the crystal. “I love you and you are my friend and I don’t think I tell you enough that we should be friends forever. Because we should. Five hundred years from now, we should still be talking about firework corn. I will never leave you. Ever.”

“Does he do this often?” Ryan whispered to Gary.

“Only when Morgan pretends that he doesn’t love Sam even though it’s obvious he thinks Sam is the greatest thing in the world,” Gary whispered back.

My eyes were wide. “You think I’m the greatest thing in the world?” I said into the crystal.

“Notice how that was Gary saying that,” Morgan said. “Not me.”

“I wish I was a bard so I could write a song for you,” I said, ignoring him completely. “It wouldn’t be like ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks.’”

Morgan coughed loudly. “I don’t even want to know.”

“I don’t think most of us do know,” Ryan said. “Or, at least, I don’t. Is it normal to be in a constant state of what the fuck with these three? I feel like that’s normal.”

“Yes,” Morgan said. “Every day. All the time. Some days, you even think you’re getting used to it only to realize you’re not.”

“Don’t say fuck!” I growled at Ryan. “Remember your place!”

He rolled his eyes and I did not find that attractive. At all. “Sorry,” he said. “I meant to say mothercracker.”

“Morgan!”

“Sam.”

“You are so cool, you are so awesome,” I sang. “You give me feelings that make my heart blossom.”

They all stared at me. I’m pretty sure Morgan did too, even if he couldn’t see me.

“What?” I asked. “It was good.”

“Good being the operative word,” Gary muttered.

“Hugs?” Tiggy asked. “I not have hugs yet.”

“You shouldn’t sing,” Ryan said hastily. “It… burns.”

“Morgan liked it,” I said. “Didn’t you, Morgan?”

“That is certainly something you would say,” Morgan said.

“Guess what it was called?”

“Do I have to?”

“No. Because I’ll just tell you.”

“Sam—”

“It was called ‘Dear Brother-Uncle-Father: An Ode to the Fiery Depths of My Feelings for Your Personage.’”

“You capitalized that, didn’t you?”

“You bet your sweet ass I did,” I said. “Now it’s official.”

“Sam.”

“Morgan.”

“No corn. Get to Tarker Mills. Find the keep. Rescue the Prince. Go to Randall. Are these instructions in any way unclear?”

“You know that song I just sang for you?” I asked him. “I take it back.”

“I weep,” Morgan said. “A word in private, if I may.”

I looked up at the others. “Shoo. Secret wizarding business.”

“Says the apprentice,” Gary coughed.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said sweetly. “Ryan, Tiggy. Away with us. While we wait, I can regale you with the time that Sam was running from a mermaid and somehow ended up naked in a tree.”

“You promised,” I snapped at him.

“I lied,” he said as he ushered Ryan and Tiggy away. “So it all started with this mermaid named Abigail who decided she wanted Sam to eat her flounder, if you know what I mean….”

When they were out of earshot, Morgan said, “Mermaid, Sam? Do I even want to know?”

“No. Definitely not. It was this whole… thing that turned into an ordeal and did you know getting splinters in your ass is not a fun way to spend a Tuesday?”

“I can’t say that I do. Especially on Tuesdays.”

“So what’s up, mentor-mine? Everyone is gone now. You can tell me you miss me without embarrassment.”

“You have enough embarrassment for the both of us,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah. I hear the words you aren’t saying. I love you too. No one believes me that you’re secretly a big ball of sap.”

“Lies,” he said. “All of it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sam.”

“Morgan.”

“Crap,” he said. “Now I am going to sound like a big ball of sap.”

I grinned. “Go ahead. I won’t tell everyone the moment we get done speaking. That would just be rude.”

“How’s the situation with Ryan?”

And, of course, my smile faded. “Right for the heart. Good aim.”

“I find it’s easier than dancing around words.”

I glanced down the road to make sure the others were far enough away. Ryan’s head was rocked back, his mouth open as he laughed, undoubtedly at Gary’s story about my naked tree mermaid adventure. It was a good look on him.

Who was I kidding? All looks were good looks on him.

So I lied. “It’s fine. I’m handling it.”

But, of course, it was Morgan I was talking to. “Sam.”

“We danced,” I said suddenly. “In a tavern when the song was slow. He asked me to dance and I said yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I could. Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to know what it was like to have something that I’ll never actually have.”

“I wish,” he said and then stopped. He took a breath and let it out slowly. I could picture him, sitting in the labs, his face scrunched up in concentration. His forehead lined, eyes narrowed. The tip of his tongue sticking out between his teeth like he did when deep in thought. “I wish things could be different for you.”

I laughed. It wasn’t nearly as bitter as I thought it’d be. “I know. And that’s why I love you.”

“You’re almost done.”

“Am I?”

“With this part, yes. It’s all about the journey, Sam. One day you’ll get your ending, but until then, remember it’s about the journey. The things you’ve learned. The future you’ll have. I know it may not seem like it right now, and I know it might hurt, but you will be okay. You’re my apprentice. I expect nothing less of you.”

“I wish you were here,” I admitted to him. “It might get tough.”

“I wish I was too,” he said. “But I also know you’re stronger than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

And who knows what we might have said then. How long we might have sat there, spewing our feelings at each other until we were drowning in sunshine and rainbows and Gary’s cookie poop. When I have an abundance of feelings, I tend to go on for days. It’s a proven fact.

And I tried to work up the courage to tell him about the lightning. About how I’d been able to redirect it through my body and hold it around my heart. How the ceiling to my magic just seemed further and further away, and maybe for the first time, I felt an inkling of fear that there was no ceiling, that it could eventually consume me until I was nothing but a collection of energy with no conduit for release.

I opened my mouth to say something. Anything.

But it was ceremoniously cut short when I saw a stranger talking to Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan. My hand tensed around the crystal as green and gold flickered around the edges of my vision.

Tiggy and Ryan looked relaxed. Carefree.

Gary, though. Gary looked slightly off. He was holding himself stiffly.

“Hey,” I said to Morgan. “Gotta go. There’s someone on the road.”

“Okay. Just watch yourself. I don’t know much about Tarker Mills, and I don’t need you getting captured by Darks or fairies or mermaids or—”

“I get it,” I said, cutting him off. “And it doesn’t happen that often.”

“—or selkies or pissed off traveling merchants or that one guy who pledged a blood vendetta against you—”

“That was not my fault.” It was in my early days of learning to use magic and I’d accidentally set a guy’s hair on fire. I’d put it out before it had caused any damage, but Evil Carl (as he had so named himself) didn’t care. It was an affront to him and he swore vengeance against me and promised one day, I would rue the day I ever heard the name Evil Carl.

Naturally, unable to keep my mouth shut, I told him I was already ruing. That’s when the blood vendetta came into play, blah, blah, blah, and I’d never heard from him again. I rarely thought about it. It was just one of those things that happened to me.

“I get into shenanigans,” I told Morgan.

“So I’ve noticed. We still need to finish our conversation.” I couldn’t tell if that was a warning or a threat. “But it can wait. Find the keep and let me know what you see before you approach. Understood?”

“Yeah, love you, boo,” I said and broke the connection before he could squawk righteously at me as he was wont to do. I stowed the crystal in an inner pocket in my tunic and walked down the Old Road toward Tarker Mills.

Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan looked back at me upon my approach.

“And this is Sam of Wilds,” Gary said. His voice was even, but he still held himself stiffly. “The apprentice to the King’s Wizard.”

The stranger was an older woman. She wore a long flowing dress, green and orange and red. Her hair was gray and braided in a thick ponytail that rested over her shoulder and against her breast. There was a sash of sorts across her chest. No weapons that I could see. She looked sweet and kind, like a grandmother should. Tiggy and Ryan seemed charmed by her. Gary was not.

“It is an honor to meet you, Wizard,” she said, ignoring the apprentice that Gary muttered under his breath. Her voice was calm and serene. I felt myself relaxing just by the few words she spoke. “I am Eloise, the mayor of Tarker Mills. I understand you have traveled far.” She held out her hand and I took it briefly. Her skin was warm and smooth. She dropped my hand a moment later.

“Ma’am,” I said politely. “You’ve got a lot of corn.”

“That we do.” She sounded amused. “We’re the main supplier to the northern region of Verania. The mountains aren’t conducive to such a crop. Tarker Mills has fed many people over the centuries. We’re quite proud of what we do here.”

I was closer to her now. I could see the lines around her eyes and mouth. The pattern on her dress. The intricate design on the sash across her chest, angles and planes that curved into purposed design.

Near the top of the sash, at her shoulder, was the pattern of a dragon stitched in great detail. Black with mottled wings.

Huh.

How about that.

I averted my eyes quickly.

But she was sly, that Eloise.

She said, “Word has spread about your quest.”

“Has it? People tend to talk too much.”

She smiled. “They do. But it is an epic undertaking, is it not? To rescue a stolen prince.” She glanced over at Ryan. “My condolences for your loss.”

“I haven’t lost anything,” he said. “Just temporarily misplaced. We’ll get him back soon enough.”

“Will you?” she asked, and I knew now why Gary was uneasy. “That’s good to hear.” She looked back at me. Her eyes were big and blue. “I was telling your companions how honored we were to have you come to our little village. We don’t often get visitors of your caliber all the way out here. You must let us house you for the night before you continue on down the road.”

“Sounds good,” I said before anyone else could speak. “It will be nice to have a warm bed for a change.”

She nodded before her eyes flicked over my shoulder. I looked back and saw black smoke rising above the tree line. Fucking fire geckos.

And redirected lightning that I had no idea how I did. Aside from the fact that I somehow willed it so.

“Uh,” I said. “Yeah. About that. Fire geckos, man. Just… a bunch of fire geckos. Nothing else.”

“Yes,” she said, all calm and level and so fucking tranquil. “We do have a bit of a problem with them out here. Nasty creatures, those. I’ll have some people from the village watch the fire to make sure it doesn’t jump the road. It’s the absolute worst thing to have any sort of flame near the corn. Why, only a madman would think otherwise.”

“Ha,” Tiggy said. “Firework corn. Poor Sam. Ideas all broken and sad.”

I glared at him.

Eloise turned back toward Tarker Mills, and Ryan and Tiggy followed. Gary and I purposely fell behind.

“She’s weird, right?” he whispered to me. “Gave me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Maybe it’s just that she seems so nice,” I whispered back. “We don’t know many nice people. We don’t know any nice people.”

“I’m nice.”

“You’re bitchy.”

“Close enough.”

“Look, just keep your eyes open, okay? No separating. Keep any questions and answers as vague as possible. Don’t let anyone approach you from behind without you knowing it.”

“You should let Ryan approach you from behind.”

“Gary. Now is not the time.”

He snorted. It came out periwinkle and mint. “It’s always the time for you getting sexed up in the butt.”

“I’m going to feed you to Eloise because I bet they turn out to be cannibals.”

“Nah, they’ll be witches in disguise that need your fingernails for a potion.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. That sounds about right.”

 

 

TARKER MILLS was a small hamlet set against the backdrop of the Northern Mountains miles in distance. The buildings and house were built of wood and mud and brick. There were men and women in the fields working with the corn. People smiled at us as we entered the village, waving and saying hello and making us feel more welcome than any other place we’d been before.

It was all bullshit.

No one could ever be that nice.

It was eerie and off-putting.

Vaguely, I wondered if maybe I was just too cynical, but I pushed that away because no, I had a healthy amount of cynicism and Tarker Mills was creepy.

So I gave them my own creepy smile back, wide and welcoming.

And they smiled wider. I almost expected them to burst into song, to sing about how wonderful the world was and how perfect people were, and love and rainbows and butterflies and puppies. And, of course, cheesy dicks and candlesticks.

They didn’t, but I’m sure it was close.

A feast! they said. A feast for the travelers.

Eloise smiled and decreed it so.

As we were paraded around Tarker Mills, long wooden tables were brought out to the center of town, covered in blue and green tablecloths. We were handed mugs of mead and wine and ushered toward the tables.

Great plates of food were brought out. Cornbread. Corn tortillas. Corn soup. Corn on the cob. Corn casseroles. Cream corn. Corn salad.

“You guys really like your corn,” Ryan said.

“Oh, Knight Commander,” a man laughed. “You’re just being corny.”

Everyone laughed except for us. Because it wasn’t funny.

It was terrifying.

Sex puns I could understand.

Corn puns were beyond my realm of comprehension.

I smiled weakly and ate more corn.

Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan followed suit.

There were about fifty people altogether in Tarker Mills. There didn’t seem to be any children, which I thought was odd. Everyone appeared to be my age or older, and from what I could see, Eloise was the oldest person in the village.

“What brings you this far north?” Eloise asked from her spot at the head of the table.

I looked up and found all eyes on me. I put down my fork slowly and rested my hands on the table. “Our quest,” I said slowly. Because she’d been the one to bring it up first and now she was acting like she didn’t know.

Eloise arched an eyebrow. “Oh? How exciting.”

I smiled at her. “Very. That’s an interesting sash you’re wearing.”

She reached up and touched it briefly. “Thank you. It was handmade here in Tarker Mills.”

A clue! “The detail is very… detailed,” I said. Then I tried to hold back the wince because holy fuck, that was not subtle.

Gary groaned, but he was too far away for me to try and kick him.

“It’s all about the details, don’t you think?” Eloise asked.

“Usually,” I agreed. “Details are important.”

“What is important to you, Sam?”

“I’m not sure I understand your question.”

“You don’t? I thought it very simple.”

“Then why don’t you go first.”

“Unity,” she said promptly. “Being united under a common purpose.”

“Corn?” I asked.

She grinned. “Mostly.”

“There are rumors,” I said.

“Aren’t there always?”

“Of a keep.”

“A keep. How fascinating.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the most fascinating part yet,” I said.

“Do continue,” she said, leaning forward, elbows on the table. The rest of the town had stopped eating and listened intently.

“It’s supposed to be right near here,” I said. “In a valley near the mountains. We think the Prince is being held there.” I tilted my head forward and whispered loudly, “By a dragon.”

“Oooooh,” the people of Tarker Mills breathed as one.

“Girl, preach it,” Gary muttered through a mouthful of cornmeal.

“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said, running a hand over Gary’s mane. “My face feel funny.” He laughed loudly and I couldn’t help but chuckle. I reached down and picked up the fork, scooping up more corn something and taking a huge bite. I was feeling a lot better about being here. I didn’t know what I was so worried about. I gave Ryan what I hoped was a saucy wink and he grinned at me, bright and beautiful, and I opened my mouth to tell him as much when—

“A dragon, you say?” Eloise asked. “That sounds frightening. Are you frightened, Sam?”

“No,” I said immediately. “Not about that.”

“Oh. What frightens you, then?”

I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn’t think this was the right time to discuss my fears (especially surrounded by strangers), but instead, I said, “Snakes. Failure. Not being able to live up to my potential. Letting my parents down. Letting Morgan down. Not being able to find Gary’s horn. Not rescuing the Prince in time and having to face the King. Randall telling me that there’s nothing he can do to help me. The extent of my magic. Ryan figuring out that he’s my—holy god, why am I still talking?”

“Because we’re all friends here,” Eloise said. “Don’t you want to be our friend?”

“No. Because I think you and this town are creepy as fuck and I’m highly suspicious of you because I think you’re hiding something.” I frowned. “And I didn’t meant to say that out loud.”

She frowned at me. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“I feel floaty,” Tiggy said, corn still stuck to his chin. “Floaty Tiggy say good-bye.”

“I would float away with you,” Gary told him. “You, me, and Sam can float away and maybe Ryan because I think I might actually be starting to like him. But don’t tell Ryan I said that, okay?”

“You like me?” Ryan asked, smiling bigger. “For sure now?”

“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “I told you not to tell him.”

“Gary likes me,” Ryan told me. “And that’s good because I think I adore him. Whenever I see him, I want to smile.”

I ground my teeth together as hard as I possibly could to keep from opening my mouth, but there was this compulsion I couldn’t fight, so I blurted out, “I like you too! I like you more than Gary. There’s no contest. My like for you is legendary.”

“That’s true,” Gary said, eyes glazed just a tad. “I don’t think there’s anyone that likes you more than Sam. After all, you’re his corner—”

“It’s the truth,” I said, trying to fight against the weight of my tongue, the need within to spill everything. I shook my head and squeezed my hands into fists. I glared up at Eloise. “What did you do to us?”

“Coercion,” she said, the smile still on her face. “Truth. Mistletoe mixed with elven berries and fire from the geckos and the tongues from a chimera mixed into the corn. We only speak the truth here in Tarker Mills. We have no place for lies and deceit, Sam of Wilds. While you’re here, you’ll only speak in truth, and your magic won’t be able to touch us.”

The people of Tarker Mills nodded in agreement.

“You all take this?” I asked.

“Yes,” a man across from me said. “Every day, Eloise allows us to eat the truth so we may speak it at all times.”

“And let me guess,” I said. “Eloise doesn’t have to eat the truth herself.”

“She doesn’t have to,” a woman said. “She is the truth.”

I looked back at Eloise. “What are you?”

“What are you?” she asked.

“A wizard’s apprentice,” I said promptly and against my will. “Though I don’t know if I’ll ever become a full-fledged wizard. I don’t know if I have the strength.”

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

“And why is that?”

It was no use. “Because of what I am. Who I am supposed to be.” It poured out from me, and try as I might, I could do nothing to stop it. I tried to call on my magic, but it seemed to be so far away that it was inconsequential.

“And that is?”

“The most powerful wizard in an age,” I said, putting as much force behind my words as I could. It was rewarding to see Eloise’s eyes widen slightly. “I can do things that others can only dream about.”

“Ungh,” Ryan said. “That shit is so hot.”

Everyone turned to stare at him.

He was bright red. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit.”

“What?” I squeaked.

“When you do magic, it turns me on,” Ryan said, shaking his head frantically. “Ah gods. I can’t—stop. Just stop. Ahhh, I get erections when you cast spells. Oh shit.”

“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.

“This… this is not what I thought was going to happen today,” Gary said.

“What you think happen?” Tiggy asked.

“I thought Ryan and Sam would continue to ignore how much they want to bone each other and we would all be suffering in silence because Sam won’t pull his head out of his ass to see that Ryan wants to eat said ass for dinner.”

“I do,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. “For breakfast, even. And lunch. And a midnight snack. Especially when you do magic.”

“You have a magic kink?” I said, because that was the only thing I could focus on.

“Yes. But only for you. Your magic gets me hard,” he said, looking like he wished he could be anywhere but where he was. “When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”

“Yeah,” I managed to say.

“I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why, why did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone. Kill me.”

“Sex puns,” I breathed. “Knight Delicious Face said a sex pun.”

“There it is again!” he exclaimed. “Knight Delicious Face. What is that?”

“You’re a knight,” I said. “And your face is delicious.”

“You think I’m delicious?” he said, suddenly shy.

“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned. “This is so awkward I can’t even stand it. I physically hurt from how awkward this is. I don’t even care that we’re apparently in mortal danger. I just don’t want to listen to you two flirt anymore. Eloise? Yoo-hoo, Eloise? If you’re going to kill us, can you please do it now? I can’t take this anymore.”

Tiggy was poking his face and giggling. “I love everyone,” he said. “Except people who hurt Gary and Sam. I smash those people.”

Everyone at the tables was staring at us but I couldn’t care less because Ryan fucking Foxheart got boners because of me.

Just play it cool, Sam. You’re under a truth spell, but you got this. Just play it cool.

So I opened my mouth and played it cool.

“I jerked off to the thought of you the day I first saw you,” I said, cringing immediately. Not cool! Not cool!

“You were fifteen,” he said, sounding scandalized. “Why did you… I can’t even… I jerked off to the thought of you the day after that.”

“I was fifteen,” I said, eyes wide.

“I know,” he said. “I felt guilty for three days and then I did it again. Your mouth.”

“What’s wrong with my mouth?”

“Nothing,” Ryan said. “Except for the fact that it doesn’t have my dick in it and holy fuck, this needs to stop.” He looked horrified.

I was too. Except I also had a boner.

Horrified boners are horrifying.

As was the fact that all I could think about was telling him that he was my cornerstone. Cornerstone. Cornerstone. Cornerstone. Corner—“I’m Mervin!” I managed to say instead. It came out strangled, like I was choking.

“How much of this mixture did you give them?” Eloise asked with a frown.

The man across from me said, “Too much. I thought since they were magical, they’d need more. I gave them three times the normal dose.” He looked over at me with a contrite look on his face. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t forgive you,” I told him. “Like, at all. There is no forgiveness between you and me. In fact, I’m so far from forgiveness that it’s a foreign concept to me and I shall never understand it with you. You dick.”

The man pouted.

Good. That made me feel good.

“This is going to get worse before it gets better,” Eloise said with a sigh.

“Mervin?” Gary asked.

“Mervin,” Tiggy said. “No Mervin. You’re Sam.”

“Mervin?” Ryan said, furrowing his brow. Then he figured it out. “What?”

Don’t say it. DON’T SAY IT. “I go to the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings dressed up as a guy named Mervin because I secretly pine for you and your biceps. Also? My muffins were not dry and anyone that says otherwise is a lying bastard.” I glared at the people of Tarker Mills, daring them to say anything about my muffins.

“I knew it,” Gary whispered. “I fucking knew you were sort of creepy in a sweetly romantic way and did things that most people would consider ridiculous. You went in disguise to a fan club for Ryan. Who does that?”

“Lovey Sam is creepy Sam,” Tiggy agreed.

“I’m also a Foxy Lady,” I told everyone even though I wanted to do anything but. “And then Ryan gave me his autograph thinking I was Mervin and he said he was a Sam Girl and I went home that night and put it under my pillow. And I’ve been to at least thirty meetings and I wish I wasn’t saying any of this out loud. So bad.” I tried to close my mouth, but I couldn’t help but add, “HaveHeart forever!”

“I think this is getting out of hand,” Eloise said. “Why don’t we—”

“I knew that was you,” Ryan said. “Okay, well I didn’t. But I did.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” I told him. “But that’s okay. You don’t need to make sense because I’ll still lo—no.” I looked back at Eloise. “You don’t get to have that. You don’t get to take that from me.”

I tried to pull my magic toward me, and on the edges of my vision, the green and gold fluttered. I stood, pushing my chair back.

“Sit down,” Eloise said.

I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off and then torch this whole fucking village, but instead, I sat down.

“No magic,” she said.

The green and gold flitted away as if they were never there at all.

“I seriously despise you,” I said truthfully.

She didn’t give a damn. “The scorch marks,” she said. “Near the tree the fire geckos lit.”

“Lightning from Dark wizards,” I said. “I took their magic and made it my own.”

I thought that would instill the fear of the gods in her, but it only made her cheeks flush and her breath short. “He will be so pleased,” she murmured. “What we have brought to him.”

“Who?”

“Our Great Father,” she said and the people of Tarker Mills bowed their heads in supplication.

“The Great….” I trailed off, my gaze dropping to the sash. Particularly the beast etched near the top. It all clicked into place. “The dragon. You worship the dragon?”

“He descended from on high,” she said as Tarker Mills quietly agreed with her. “He came to us and we knew we’d found our salvation.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t make sense. The dragon hasn’t been in Verania that long. How long have you known about it?”

“Fifty-seven glorious days,” Eloise said.

“Fifty-seven days,” I repeated.

“Yes.”

“You turned your entire town into a cult in fifty-seven days.”

“Not a cult,” she snapped. “A religion.”

“Fifty-seven days,” I said. “You built an entire religion in less than two months!”

“You sound impressed.”

“I am impressed,” I admitted. “You must be a special kind of crazy if you can create that kind of idolatry in such a short amount of time.”

She stood swiftly. “I’m not crazy.”

“Kind of crazy,” Gary said.

“A lot crazy,” Tiggy said.

“Crazy and you force-fed your neighbors a compulsion mix,” I said. “Come on. Let me use my magic. You’re a lady and you look like a grandma, but I still want to hit you right now.”

“Do some magic,” Ryan whispered to me, right in my ear. “Slowly. So I can watch.”

“When we get out of here, I’m going to do so much magic all over you,” I told him. “You’re going to be covered in it.” At that moment, I really wished I’d been born mute and had never set eyes on Ryan Foxheart.

“Make it stop!” Gary wailed.

“Yeah. Cover me in your magic.” Ryan was blushing so hard, I thought his face was about to explode. “I want to stop talking. You have no idea how much I want to stop talking.” He leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my face. It smelled of corn and eroticism.

“Um,” Eloise said. “Maybe you guys could—”

We ignored her completely. “I’m going to do so many spells,” I said, because it seemed impossible for me to stop. “You won’t even believe how many spells I can do. Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker.” Our lips were inches apart.

“I want you to Flora Bora Slam me,” Ryan said and I just choked.

“Therapy,” Gary said. “I’m going to need so much therapy. It’s like watching cows mating and it’s wet and sticky and uncomfortable but I can’t look away because I’m worried some of it is going to get on me.”

“We’re not cows,” I growled at him.

“I’m not very good at metaphors,” Gary said. “I try to be, but I’m not. It’s something I wish I could be better at. I would also like to learn how to tap dance and make macramé art because I think I’m not worldly enough.”

“You think macramé is worldly?”

Apropos of nothing, Tiggy said, “I love chicken. And turtles. And the sky. And shoes.”

Gary narrowed his eyes at me. “Yes, Sam. I’m sorry if it’s not up to your standards of wanting to cover Ryan with your magic.”

“That sounds so awesome,” Ryan breathed, and I was going to kiss him. I was going to fucking kiss him and—

“Except you have a fiancé,” Gary said and that pretty much brought about the end of any thoughts about kissing I might have had.

Ouch.

I pulled my head away. “You love Justin,” I said as my heart clenched. “You love him and want to marry him and have his babies and live in a castle and suck on his dick in the moonlight as he calls you things like babycakes and lovebone.”

Lovebone? Eloise mouthed to herself.

He shook his head adamantly. “No, Sam. Listen. It’s not like that. It’s—”

“Enough,” Eloise snarled. “No more talking.”

We both fell silent. We had no other choice. Ryan looked stricken, like all he wanted to do was talk more, to finish his sentence, but the compulsion we were under was powerful and we could only do what Eloise told us.

“Now,” she said, “where were we? Ah, yes. The offering.”

And I just knew she was about to start monologuing, but I could do nothing to stop it. If looks could kill, though, her head would have been severed from her body the moment she opened her mouth.

But apparently Eloise wasn’t in the mood to monologue and instead got right down to business. “The Great Father will be here soon enough. We mustn’t keep him waiting. Michael, Frank. Would you be so kind as to escort the apprentice to the altar? He has a date with a god.”

Two very large men stood up from farther down the table and started stalking toward me. I tried to do something, anything to stop them, but whatever mixture they’d overdosed us on was stronger. Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan were fighting against it too, and as the men grabbed me by the arms, my eyes met Ryan’s. Sweat tricked down his brow as he tried to move. There was fear in his eyes, but it wasn’t for himself. It was meant for me and I wondered, for just a moment, what things could have been like now that we were forced to be open to each other.

I wondered what would have happened.

Then I was struck upside the back of my head and all I knew was dark.