CHAPTER 23

Shit Just Got Real, Son

 

 

SO, THAT turned out to be a huge clusterfuck.

Because of course it did.

And I felt bad for Justin. I really did.

Still hated him with a fiery passion.

But I felt bad.

(And then I remembered the whole comment about having Ryan on his hands and knees and I didn’t feel that bad anymore.)

I told the others I needed to speak to Morgan in private. “Wizarding things,” I said, going for ominous and instead sounding slightly manic.

Tiggy looked pissed off.

Gary looked murderously at Justin.

Kevin stared at Gary.

Ryan stared at me.

Justin said, “I don’t get why we have to wait. We’re not even going with you.”

Tiggy scowled.

Gary started sweating glitter.

Kevin stared at Gary.

Ryan stared at me.

Justin said, “Gods. Call Morgan. The sooner you’re done, the sooner we can go.”

“Yes, my lord,” I managed to say without it coming out sounding like I was about to descend into Unicorn Rage. I didn’t think it’d be practical for both Gary and I to be raining glitter. It didn’t even cross my mind that I, in fact, could not descend into Unicorn Rage and was not made up of glitter and sunshine on my insides. My insides, at that moment, were a cold, dark thing where good feelings went to die horrible, painful deaths.

I couldn’t see the keep by the time I felt I was a good distance away. I wondered briefly if they could no longer understand Kevin, as it most likely had to do with his proximity to me, but it was a passing thought. I had a feeling that the dragon would be following us to Castle Freesias whether we wanted him to or not, given how enamored he was of Gary. Hopefully, he’d meet another person to become infatuated with. Or a raccoon. Or a tree. Or a well-built barn. I didn’t really think that Kevin was that discerning in his tastes. After all, he’d kidnapped Justin. That alone should speak volumes about the type of things he was attracted to.

And that sounded a lot less bitter in my head.

I pulled out the summoning crystal, vowing to not let Morgan know anything was wrong, to tell him we’d been able to rescue Justin, the quest went A-OK, and Ryan and the Prince would soon be returning to Castle Lockes while we continued north. I would be a man about this, having done my duty with a minimal amount of bloodshed. It was a proud day. Everyone would be thrilled.

“Sam?” Morgan said as the crystal lit up. “Are you—?”

“We rescued Justin,” I said and thought shut up shut up SHUT UP, but, of course, it was no use. “We rescued Justin but not before we got captured by a cult who fed us corn of truth and made me confess that I’m creepy and go to Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings in disguise because I want to put my penis on his heart. But then the corn of truth made him tell me that he gets a boner every time I do magic or breathe or walk or exist and then I was sacrificed by the cult to a sexually aggressive dragon named Kevin who said I have lips made for sucking cock. He kidnapped me and took me back to his keep and Justin was there, and then Ryan rode Gary in to save us even though it was totally racist, it was consensual racism because Gary said that was okay for reasons I really don’t understand yet. Then Ryan fought the dragon, but not really, because Kevin is in love with Gary and then Justin told me he’s plowed Ryan like a field before he figured out that Ryan is my cornerstone and told him to his face, and Ryan is pissed off at me because I lied to him about it, but I didn’t mean to. Oh, and we were attacked by Darks and fire geckos and somehow, the Darks shot me with lightning and I redirected it and took out the fire geckos and the Darks ran away. And also? I think I might be in love with him. No. Scratch that. I am. Pretty much an all-consuming, forever kind of love that is really gross for other people to witness because I want to stare lovingly in his eyes and call him boo and mini-muffin. It’s awful to say that out loud. I know. But I don’t give a fuck because I want him to be my mini-muffin. Is that so bad? I don’t think that’s bad. Well, maybe a little bad. Okay, it’s awful, but you know what? I deserve to be awful. I want to be able to be the most awful thing ever seen. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. What the hell were we talking about? I don’t even know anymore. It’s just this whole… thing, you know? Of course you do. You know everything. You always have. You probably knew I was going to call you like this. Because you’re my berry sunshine. Gods. This fucking sucks. Stupid fucking Prince and stupid fucking Ryan. Fuck all this noise.”

Silence.

“So,” I said, remembering my manners. “How are you?”

“Um,” Morgan said. “Good. And so is the King. And your mom. And your dad. Who are standing right next to me. And just heard every word you said.”

“Well I’ll be fucked,” I said. “Okay. Uh. Ignore everything I just said. That was just… a test. To see… if you could… hear me. Rambling. About stuff. And obviously you all could, so the test is successful and I’ll just be going—”

“He’s your cornerstone?” my mother asked quietly, and it’d been so long since I’d heard her voice that I didn’t know if I could trust myself to speak. “Oh, Sam.”

“It’s fine,” I said roughly.

“It’s not fine,” Dad said. “You’re not fine, and don’t you pretend otherwise. How long have you known?”

“Awhile.”

“Sam.” His voice was flat.

“The night of the date with Todd.”

“Sam,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you say anything? We would’ve—”

“I couldn’t. Okay? I just couldn’t. He’s not mine. He will never be mine.”

“You still should have told us,” Dad said, and I knew he was trying to keep his anger in check. Knowing him, it wasn’t toward me, but the situation. “We could have been there for you. Why’d you keep that to yourself?”

“He didn’t,” Morgan said, throwing himself on the fire along with me. “I knew.”

“As did I,” said the King. “And forgive an old man his selfishness. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Justin had just been taken and I was concerned with his well-being. I never should have asked this of Sam.”

“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have,” my father snapped. “I’m sorry about your son, I really am. And I am overjoyed that Justin’s safe. But this is my son we’re talking about. Not only did you put him in danger, you did so knowing how he felt. Gods, Anthony, if you weren’t the King and if I didn’t respect the hell out of you, we’d be settling this with our fists. Spoiler: you would lose.”

Ladies and gentlemen, my father.

“Dad,” I admonished lightly. “You can’t threaten the King. You’ll be pooping in buckets by nightfall.”

“I don’t care,” he retorted. “I’d poop in buckets for the rest of my life if it meant your heart was safe.”

“Oh my gods.”

“Okay,” he said. “That didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. But I stand by it.”

“Oh my gods.”

“Sam, I want you to listen to me, okay?” the King said. “I’m about to give you a direct order.”

I stood a little taller without even thinking about it. He was my King, after all. “Yes, Your Highness.”

“Come home.”

“Of course. Anything you—wait. What?”

“I want you to come home. Back to Castle Lockes.”

“I can’t,” I said, a small fissure of want bursting within me. Gods, I just wanted to go home. “I have to go to Randall at Castle Freesias. We talked about this.”

“He can wait,” the King said. “I think you need your family more than anything right now, and I’ll be damned if I let a little thing like your magic keep you from them.”

“But it’s not a little thing,” I said. “It’s getting worse. I’m doing things that no wizard should be able to do. Morgan was right to send me to Randall. He’s—”

“Morgan,” the King interrupted. “Is it important?”

“Yes,” Morgan said slowly. “I think it is.”

“And do you agree with me that Sam should be surrounded by those that love him most?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” the King said. “Then make Randall come to Castle Lockes. He can just as easily evaluate you here as he can at Castle Freesias.”

“I don’t think—”

“Morgan. He’ll need to be here, regardless,” the King said quietly.

“Gods,” Morgan muttered. “I didn’t even….”

“What?” I asked. “Why would Randall come to Lockes without—”

And that’s when it hit me.

The wedding.

Randall would need to be there to officiate the wedding between Justin and Ryan. The King wasn’t on his way out and wouldn’t be hopefully for years to come. But Ryan could just as easily be Prince Consort as he could be the King Consort. It was the wedding of the century, and of course the oldest and most notable wizard in existence would be there. And of course the same wizard was ordained to perform such ceremonies. He’d married the King to his Queen all those years before. And most likely a long line of royalty and notables before him.

Well that fucking sucked.

But I needed to man the fuck up. No more of this stupid bullshit. I needed to get up and get over this and be who I was supposed to be. I could do this.

“That’s fine,” I said briskly. “I’ll come home. Most likely, Justin and Ryan will go on ahead. I’ll take a few days and then start out. Just so you know, we’ll probably be coming back with Kevin. I’m pretty sure he and Gary are dating. Or it’s like Stockholm Syndrome. Either way, it’s creepy and sweet and will most likely end up with me walking in on something that will scar me for life.”

“Kevin,” Morgan said. “You’re bringing back the dragon named Kevin that you can talk to because he’s in love with Gary.”

“Oh, it’s not just me. Everyone can talk to him. They just have to stand next to me because I think it’s a proximity thing. Though, I’ll be honest, most people probably won’t want to stand near me and him at the same time because he tends to want to sleep with everything that has a pulse. And maybe a few things that don’t.”

“Just what kind of quests are you sending my son on?” Dad asked.

“This is not a normal thing,” Morgan said quickly.

“Kind of normal,” I said. “Seminormal.”

“Not helping,” Morgan said.

“Sam,” Mom said. “Don’t sleep with a dragon for your first time. If that’s what you want to do down the road, I won’t stop you. But I want your first time to not have scales and claws.”

“And of course my mother knows I’m a virgin,” I muttered.

“Well, yes,” she said. “A mother’s intuition. I know everything.” I could hear the frown in her voice when she continued. “Well, I didn’t know about Ryan being your cornerstone, so maybe not everything. I have failed you as a mother.”

“Just one time,” I told her. “Not all the other times.”

“You should have told us,” Dad said.

“What could you have done?”

“Something.”

“Like?”

“Just… shut up. I would have punched someone. I still might. Now I know why Tiggy wants to smash everything.”

“He looked at me when he said that,” the King said. “It’s okay. I pretty much deserve it.”

“And Tiggy and Gary?” Mom asked. “They’re okay?”

“Yeah. Aside from Gary being dragon-wooed and Tiggy possibly destroying a town filled with corn and cults with his fists.”

“Sometimes,” Dad said, “the sentences that come out of your mouth make me smile. That was one of them. I no longer want to hit something too badly.”

“He is smiling,” Mom said. Then, dropping her voice as if she thought I wouldn’t hear her, “Should we talk about the fan-club thing?”

“I don’t think he meant to say that,” Dad whispered back. “He’ll probably be too embarrassed to talk about it.”

“It just makes so much more sense now, doesn’t it? He’s so like you.”

“Yeah. He’s a wizard’s apprentice, but he also has a creepy sense of romance.”

“Sam,” Mom said, louder. “You get that from your father. Sometimes when I wake up at night, he’s watching me sleep.”

“It’s true, son,” Dad said. “We’re kind of creepy. But we love with our whole creepy hearts.”

I groaned. “If that was supposed to make me feel better, you failed.”

“I followed your mother around for a week before I got the courage to go up and talk to her,” Dad said. “I stayed in the shadows and tried not to breathe heavily.”

“Of course,” Mom said, a smile in her voice, “I knew he was there the whole time. The first time he approached, I wondered if he was finally going to murder me. So I knocked him flat on his ass and told him I would gut him if he tried anything.”

“So badass,” I whispered in awe.

“And then I gave her the flowers I’d brought for her,” Dad said. “I’d accidentally squashed them, but she didn’t mind.”

“And then we had you,” Mom said. “Okay, well, I skipped a bunch of steps there, but you get the idea. I don’t think you want to hear about your parents having sexual inter—”

“Stop it,” I said. “Stop it right now.”

“He’s just jealous because we’re not virgins,” Dad said. “Not even close to being virgins. And kind of virgin.”

“Oh, you,” Mom giggled.

“Oh my gods,” I said, because I wanted this to be over.

“Feel better now?” Mom asked.

“Um. I think horrified is the word you’re looking for. I feel horrified.”

“We are good at this parent thing,” Mom said.

“Pretty much the best,” Dad agreed.

“I would marry the both of you if I could,” the King said. “You are wonderful.”

“Oh, come on!” I cried.

“He’s just being polite, dear heart,” Mom said.

“Politely wanting to get all up on this,” Dad said.

“No,” I said. “You are not allowed to be in the same room with each other ever again. There will be no parental three-ways. I command you.”

They all laughed at me like jerks.

“Can I have a word alone with Sam?” Morgan asked quietly.

For a moment, Mom, Dad, and even the King sputtered, but then they stopped and I knew exactly the look on Morgan’s face that brooked no further argument. It’s all eyebrows and frown lines and narrowed eyes, and I almost ached at missing him. Missing them all. I knew I needed to go home. I needed them right now, and even if it meant having to face the one thing I didn’t ever want to see, at least I’d have my whole family by my side.

Eventually their voices faded until I knew it was just Morgan and I. He let me breathe for a moment, knowing I needed it.

I wished I could see his face.

He said, “Sam, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah,” I said hoarsely.

“I should have fought harder to go in your place.”

“Nah,” I said. “You know I would have found some way to get involved. I’m awesome like that.”

“Awesome. Right.”

“Morgan?”

“Yes, little one?”

“You were right.”

“Oh?”

“To be worried about my heart.”

A sigh. “I know.”

“I just thought….” I took a breath. “I thought I’d control it better. It fucking hurts.”

“You said he felt the same?”

“No,” I said. “The coercion forced him to say he was attracted to me. Nothing more. And it’s not like it matters. He swore an oath. To Justin.”

“What? What kind of oath?”

“One that they both agreed to for mutual benefit. It’s none of my business, anyway. Or any of ours. It’s between them. You know what a knight’s oath means. Especially when made in fealty to a king-in-waiting.” It meant that only Justin could release Ryan from his oath. And that was never going to happen.

“This fucking sucks,” Morgan said.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “You sound way too much like me.”

“Well, it does.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a good idea. Not traveling back with them.”

“Sure,” I said. “I have all the ideas.”

“I’ll get in touch with Randall.”

“He’s going to be pissed.”

“He’ll get over it. I want you to come straight home, Sam. No detours. No deviations.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

“Sam.”

“Are we going to talk about the lightning thing?” I asked quickly. “Or….”

He sighed. “Lightning, Sam. Really?”

“Right? That’s what I said. While I was running for my life.”

“The Darks aren’t going to forget.”

“Eh. I can take them. Apparently.”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“It’s weird, though, right? They must be super pissed off if they keep following me. Was Lartin some kind of big to-do? I’d never heard of him before. Was he like their king or something? Can wizards have kings? Oh wait. Randall. Sort of. Oh gods. Did we kill the king of the Darks?”

Silence.

“Morgan!”

“Hush, I’m thinking about what to say.”

“You mean you’re trying to figure out what secret to keep.”

“He was important to the Darks, Sam. No official ranking. I guess it’s easiest to say that he was beloved, in his way. People had an affection for him, even if he was a bit out there.”

That… sort of made sense. “You mean like that special uncle that everyone just loves but is still kind of creepy because his touches last just a bit too long but he’s always really apologetic about it and then he brings you pie?”

Morgan sighed. “I don’t even know why I bother anymore.”

“You love me. Don’t front. Essentially, we killed someone popular.”

“Creepy popular. And not just killed. Obliterated.”

“Tiggy tends to get… protective.”

“Sam, the only way they could tell it was Lartin was because one of his fingers found embedded in the bedrock was wearing a ring with his signet on it. Let me repeat. Finger. Embedded. In rock.”

“Very protective, then. Maybe we could have gone about it a bit differently, sure, but it’s not like there is a bounty on my head or anything.”

Silence.

“There’s a bounty on my head, isn’t there?”

“Finger. In the rock.”

I grinned. “Okay. I’ll admit. This is a first. And I’m strangely thrilled by it. How much am I worth?”

“Yeah. About that. So. They’re not really offering any coin for it. Or gold. It’s more of a… for the sake of doing it. And the notoriety.”

“What? I’m not worth anything?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Morgan said. “You’re worth plenty. To me. And your mom. And dad. And Gary and Tiggy. Just not to the people who want to kill you.”

“Not helping,” I growled. “Who gets a bounty on their head when there is no actual bounty?”

“You do, apparently. First I’ve ever heard of that happening. But then, you talk to dragons and get gay fairy married, so I try not to question things too much anymore.”

“Those weren’t my fault! First, I can’t help it if I attract the weirdoes. Second, I’m about to be attacked by angry cult members who are carrying scythes and torches.”

“You are a weirdo. And tell those angry cult members… wait. What?”

Farther down the road, cresting the hill into the valley, came the people of Tarker Mills, Eloise in the lead. She looked so badass with her hair billowing around her that I almost was able to admire her and forget the fact that most likely, she was coming to kill us all. For once, I’d like to have the wind blow just right and make my clothes billow around me and have someone say, “Dude. Look. That guy is so cool. I want to be him when I grow up.”

“Uh,” I said to Morgan. “I have to go.”

“When you get back, I am never letting you out again, do you hear me?” he said. “A cult. Sam, only you would stumble upon a cult.”

“You say that like it’s insulting.”

“It’s certainly not a compliment.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, they’ve gotten me over Firework Corn. I never want to see corn ever again.”

“Sam.”

“Yeah.”

“Stay safe.” And the crystal went dark.

“Gods,” I muttered. “I can’t even get the exit line. I don’t get the guy, my clothes don’t billow when I crest hills, I don’t even get the last word. What the fuck.”

I thought about taking a stand right then and there. I didn’t want to hurt any of them (except for maybe Eloise; I wanted to beat her in the face with corn) because they were under whatever “truth” they’d been fed that day. I didn’t want to underestimate her either. After all, she’d built an entire cult up in fifty-some-odd days, and that takes real dedication. That and the fact that she was probably batshit crazy. I was also still pissed off at her that she’d made me eat her hair. That shit is not hygienic.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I ran the opposite direction.