EFFA
Saturday night went so well. We had a great time at the pub, meeting all the locals, including Fort Affliction who, as it turns out, are a great set of guys. I know Mercs and Luke plotted somehow to get me to agree to bring them on tour with us, but the thought had already crossed my mind while listening to them.
I have to admit, I would have liked to have been consulted about it before Luke asked them in front of me. But, it turned out for the best, because our tour can go ahead when fighting fit. So, all is good in the world. I just hope Fort Affliction can handle the pressure that comes with a tour like ours. I hope they can handle the spotlight and new found fame that will come with it. But I’m sure they will. They’re all switched on men. So I think the fame they inevitably will have will suit them all well.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Mercs asks, interrupting my thought process as I turn my head to look at him. His hair is slightly longer on top of his head as he runs his fingers through it taking a breath. The sunlight shining through the window of the car has a glistening brilliance, even though the windows are tinted. It’s making me feel slightly less nervous because the day is so stunningly beautiful. The sky is clear blue, and there’s only a small splattering of white clouds in the sky, as I look past him out to the lush green fields surrounding us as we drive.
Smiling, I reach out for his hand as the car moves off the Pennsylvania Turnpike and onto the Blairsville Pittsburgh Highway, and we inch closer and closer to Pittsburgh. “Just going over Saturday night and how great it was. It was nice to meet another band, not only that, but it was even better because it’s people you know. I like Ligoniers, they’re all such great people,” I tell him.
“Yeah, they are a good bunch all right. How are you feeling about today?” His voice is low, etched with concern.
Shrugging, I frown. “Mixed emotions. I want to know what’s going on with me. But at the same time, sometimes ignorance is bliss, you know?”
He tightens his hand in mine. “Whatever happens. Whatever the outcome, Effa. I’m here for you. With you. Always.”
I nod and slide over next to him, resting my head on his shoulder as the car drives us closer and closer toward the doctor’s office.
We arrive at Doctor Wakefield’s office at the right time. The hour and a half drive from Ligonier wasn’t too bad with the morning traffic, but it’s nice to get out and stretch my legs. As we sit down in his office waiting for him, my leg agitates up and down nervously in anticipation of how today and the testing will go.
“Hey babe, don’t be nervous. I’m right here with you, no matter what, Effa,” Mercs offers, reaching out for my hand as the door opens and Doctor Wakefield steps in. His salt and pepper hair sweeping over, styled just the right way.
“Good morning, guys. How was the trip back?” he asks rounding his desk and taking a seat.
I smile at him, his calm tone and soft demeanor putting me at ease almost instantly. “Great. Hardly any traffic to worry about.”
“Good to hear. So, have you had another episode since the last one?” he asks, pulling out a notepad and a pen.
I shake my head and weakly smile. “No, just the two. Plus, the other symptoms.”
“Okay, and how much weight have you lost?”
“Maybe three and a half pounds… give or take.”
He nods writing down some notes, but then looks up to me in an assessing way. “But your face, it’s puffy… yes?”
I nod, and he hums under his breath and continues to write. “Decreased appetite, fatigue and decreased sex drive as well, correct?” he asks.
My chest tightens, my stomach sinks, and a lump catches in my throat as I glance to Mercs. He looks at me raising his brow, and I wince.
“Correct.”
Mercs furrows his brows, flaring his nostrils seeming agitated, or hurt, or confused? Maybe all three. All I know is he didn’t know about that last symptom, and I should have told him. I just didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him. Because it doesn’t, not at all. This is all me. He looks away from me as Doctor Wakefield looks up and nods.
“Right, before I want to speculate on what I think might be going on, I’d like to do some specialized blood work to check your hormone levels, your hypothalamus and pituitary gland. I’ll add in some others, but if I’m right, I suspect it will be those that are playing around with your body right now.”
Nodding, I try not to worry about Mercs and how he must be feeling at this moment. I need to focus on my diagnosis and deal with him later. “Okay, and if it is that, then is it fixable?”
He tilts his head. “Let’s get the results first. Then we can see what we’re working with. I don’t want to make any comments or assumptions until I have the facts, Vespa.”
Sighing, I nod and smile. “Of course. So what’s next?”
“I’ll send you off to the nurses’ station for the blood work. Then I’ll get you back in tomorrow afternoon for your results, and we will proceed from there.” He sighs. “Vespa, I’m going to do my absolute best to get the right answers for you.”
Taking a deep breath, I feel relieved. I know he’ll do the best job he can. I trust him. “Thank you, Doctor. So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
“Yes. I’ve slotted you in for four p.m.”
“Thanks, Doctor Wakefield,” I reply as I stand up along with Mercs.
The Doctor hands me my blood test form, and we walk out the door. My muscles are tense, and Mercs doesn’t say anything as we begin to walk down the hall toward the nurses’ station. My stomach is churning at what he might be thinking. How he’s feeling. I know we said we were going to keep honest and open communication with each other, but honestly, I didn’t tell him about the lowered sex drive because I thought he’d take it the wrong way. But right now, yeah, I’m fully regretting that decision.
I come to a halt, and he spins to face me, raising his brow like he’s concerned at why I stopped mid-walk. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I blurt out.
He exhales, slumping his body and steps up to me taking my hands in his and looks in my eyes. “I’m not angry. I’m not upset or even hurt... more confused as to why you thought you needed to keep something like that from me. I mean… we had sex. I certainly thought you enjoyed it. You seemed like you did—”
“No. I did, Kaden. Very much. Being with you is amazing, every time. And when we were doing it, honestly it felt fantastic. It’s just leading up to having sex, the need for it wasn’t as overpowering as it usually is, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my body right now. Because my mind wanted it, so much. That’s why I went with it because I knew that even though my body was not as excited as normal, my mind was screaming to be with you. Because I want you, I always want you.”
He weakly smiles. “Okay,” he says so casually I almost don’t register that he’s said it.
I blink a few times. “Okay?”
He chuckles, pulling me to him and wrapping his arms around me pressing his lips to mine briefly and then draws back looking into my eyes. “Yes, okay. I know something’s happening in here...” he points to my body, “… right now, and I’m not going to hold it against you if your sex drive is lowered. What the hell would that make me if I judged you for that? I know it’s not personal. And like I said when we did have sex you were there. You were in the moment. I felt it. So I’m not worried. I’m with you, baby. But please, don’t keep things from me, even if you think they’re going to hurt my feelings. Okay? I want to know what’s going on with you.”
My stomach flutters and I smile leaning in pressing my forehead against his and closing my eyes taking him in as he holds me tight. “You’re incredible.”
He chuckles, pressing his lips to the tip of my nose and brings his hand up to caress my cheek, making me open my eyes again to see him looking at me with such wonder it almost knocks my breath away.
“Effa, you mean so much to me. I’m here to support you, no matter what.”
We’ve been together for close to three months, only about a week off that, and in that time our adoration for each other has grown strong. He means so much to me now too, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I can’t seem to remember a time before him. It seems like a lifetime ago.
“I suppose we should get this blood test done?” I murmur.
Mercs smiles and nods then leans in and presses his lips to mine briefly. He pulls back reaching for my hand, and we head down toward the nurses’ station for my blood testing.
After spending the night together in a five-star hotel, and me showing Mercs just how much my mind craves being with him, even though my body isn’t getting the memo, we’re back at Doctor Wakefield’s office today to hear the results of my tests. I must admit I’m a little nervous as we sit in his room patiently waiting for him to come in.
My knee agitates up and down on the spot as I gnaw on my bottom lip in frustration. “What’s taking so long?”
Mercs chuckles placing his hand on my bobbing knee to halt its movement. “It’s going to be fine. And even if there is something wrong, we will deal with it… together. Okay?”
Nodding, I swallow hard as the door opens and Doctor Wakefield walks in, his tall frame doing nothing for my nerves as he saunters in towering over me and moves to his desk taking a seat carrying a folder. “Good afternoon. How’s your day been?”
I can’t find the words to answer as Mercs glances to me and exhales looking back to the doctor. “Nervous. I think Effa’s anxious to get any results you might have.”
Doctor Wakefield’s warm smile soothes me some, but not entirely. He opens the folder on his desk and looks over the paperwork inside, and he takes a deep breath. “Okay. So we do have the results. It seems that as I suspected you’re suffering from hypopituitarism, also known as pituitary insufficiency. Basically, your pituitary gland isn’t releasing enough of a certain hormone that you need, which is causing your symptoms.”
Swallowing hard, I nod and let out a long breath. “Okay, and was this something I already had?”
He shakes his head. “No. This was caused by the anoxic brain injury you suffered. It’s not completely rare, but it’s also not common either.”
Mercs looks at me and smiles showing me some support, as he reaches out grabbing my hand.
“So, what does this mean? What will happen?”
The doctor looks at me and links his hands together on the table, making me a little more concerned. “If left untreated, the symptoms can progress and worsen. There are other symptoms that can come with hypopituitarism—”
“Like what?” I blurt out, and he exhales.
“Muscle weakness, inability to regulate body temperature, weight gain or weight loss, low blood pressure, dry skin…” he hesitates, and I furrow my brows letting out a long breath.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
He rubs his chin sitting up taller with a frown. “You might have irregular periods, even the loss of your pubic hair. If you have a baby you might have an inability to produce breast milk or…” he pauses again taking a breath, “… there’s a chance of infertility.”
My stomach tightens, and I let out a heavy sigh and sink into the chair clenching my eyes shut willing myself not to cry. This is a lot to take in. Mercs tightens his hand on mine, and I squeeze it needing his comfort.
“You said if left untreated. So there is a treatment plan then?” Mercs mentions making me open my eyes—a slight wave of hope washing through me.
Doctor Wakefield nods and smiles. “Yes. Hormone replacement therapy. Daily injections, unfortunately, similar to the diabetic kind, but with hormones instead.”
“And will that fix the infertility?” I ask, and he winces.
“Unfortunately, we won’t know about that until you start trying.”
Swallowing hard, my eyes mist up at that thought as I glance to Mercs who gives me a comforting nod.
“Also, you will need to stop taking the daily pill and seek other forms of birth control, if you don’t want to risk getting pregnant. Considering, of course, if you are still able to conceive naturally.”
I nod swallowing hard, hoping like hell I can still fall pregnant. Babies were always a part of my future, and the thought they might not be now is scaring the hell out of me.
“And what about the rest?” Mercs asks.
“The symptoms will ease, but you might get flare-ups when your hormones are out of balance. Unfortunately, it’s a lifelong condition. You will have to get used to your body and how it’s functioning.”
Sighing, I scrunch up my brows and gnaw on my bottom lip. “Is this going to affect my ability to perform on stage?”
He tilts his head and exhales sitting back in his chair. “Only you will know how your body’s feeling. Some days your energy will be lower than others, your strength will be weaker. You might need to adjust your stage shows to suit. Simple things like adding a chair on stage, so you can sit down during a few songs if you need to. I don’t think you’ll need to stop performing altogether, just… adjust.”
My eyes flood with tears, and I let out a staggered breath. “I’m such an idiot. I should have never drunk that drink.” I sniff while Mercs’ hand tightens so tight in mine my knuckles turn white.
“You’re not an idiot. I know you. You would have only drunk that shit to appease him. I know you don’t remember anything. But I can assure you, the only reason you would have taken that drink from him in the first place was because you would have felt like if you didn’t, it would have antagonized him further. This is not your fault, Effa.”
Shaking my head, I sigh. “When will I start treatment, Doctor?”
He opens his drawer pulling out an injector and a box of vials. “This is what you will be using for your treatment. Either you will inject it daily, or someone can inject it for you.”
Tensing up, a shudder runs down my spine. The thought of injecting myself scares me.
Mercs sniffs as he clears his throat. “Can you teach me how to do it, doc?” he offers, and I look to him opening my eyes wide.
Doctor Wakefield nods. “If Effa is happy with that?”
I turn to Mercs, a lump caught in my throat. “Are you sure? I feel like this is a big ask.”
He chuckles. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. And it’s like we get to play doctor and nurses for real.”
I chuckle as I glance to Doctor Wakefield who’s trying to hide his smirk.
Nodding my head, I weakly smile and let go of his hand as he moves over to the doctor to learn how to inject me. Watching him, I’m filled with awe. He’s truly amazing, and I have no idea how I got so lucky to have him by my side. Now, I just have to deal with him being the one to stick a needle in me every day, but I know I need to talk with him about this. This could be a game changer.
Mercs and I make our way back to the hotel we’re staying at. Luckily it’s literally down the street from the clinic, so the car ride won’t be long. But as I slide in, I know he knows something’s wrong. He takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine and I swallow hard looking out the car window as we take the short drive back.
“So, that was a lot to take in.” His voice is quiet as the car pulls down to the street of the hotel.
I sigh feeling my emotions bottled up inside of me. I’m not sure where to go from here. The information that was handed to me is a life changer. I love Kaden, there’s never been any doubt about that, but this news changes everything. I’m different. My body is different, and I can’t provide for him like I should be able to.
“Mmm,” I simply reply continuing to stare out the window as the car pulls into the valet parking area. I don’t waste time and open the car door sliding out, and Mercs follows me as I walk inside of the hotel and up to the elevators.
He’s quiet. Assessing me as he holds onto my hand tightly, not letting me go for a second. We ride the elevator in a deafening silence. Tension apparent between us. The door opens, and we walk out making it to the suite door, and I swipe the card and walk in leaving Mercs behind as he strolls in following me.
My chest is squeezing in on me so tightly I feel like I might be starting to panic. My skin rippling in a cold sweat, the fear of a hot flash reigning over me as I begin to flush hot all over. I’m tense, and I pace the room as Mercs comes in letting out a heavy sigh and steps up to me reaching out and grabs my elbow making me turn to look at him. The frown lines on his face more than apparent, showing his deep concern as he looks me over.
My chest squeezes tight as I think of the life I had planned out with him. Marriage, babies, grandbabies. I wanted it all, and now I don’t think it’s possible to have any of it. My bottom lip trembles as he shakes his head looking into my watering eyes and forcing me to face him.
“Hey, look at me,” he snaps.
I shake my head, breaking free from his grip. My heart beating frantically in my chest as I try to calm my breathing. “Kaden… I—”
“Don’t… don’t start fucking talking like I think you’re going to, Effa.”
I spin back to face him and scrunch up my face throwing my hands in the air. “I probably can’t have children, Kaden. It’s a fact, and this is monumental. You can’t stay with someone who can’t give you a family when family means everything to you.”
He rushes up, grabbing hold of me again, and looks me dead in my eyes. His stare is intense as he breathes harshly through his nose. “Effa, you are my family. And he said there’s a chance you can’t conceive. Not that you can’t. And if you can’t, then I don’t care. There’s other ways for us to be parents. Adoption… surrogates… fucking pet rocks.” I let out a stifled laugh. “You’re my life, and no matter what comes our way, babies or not, I’m with you in this, Effa. I will not let you walk away from this, from me, because you think I deserve better. I deserve you. Exactly you. As you are. No damn exceptions.”
Tears form in my eyes, and I blink rapidly to stop them from falling as I rush forward taking him into my arms. He holds onto me tightly, his hands smoothing up and down my back as his lips tenderly kiss my neck. He’s my warmth, he’s my home, and I know he deserves more than what I can give him, but if he wants to make this work, then I don’t want to lose him either.
“How am I so lucky to have you?” I ask, and he pulls back shaking his head.
“We’re lucky to have each other, baby. We’re in this together. Until the last light dims, remember?”
“Until the last light dims,” I reply softly, leaning in and pressing my lips to his tenderly needing to feel him right now. He is my warmth. My home. And I know no matter what, as much as I’m there for him through all of his trauma, he will always be here for me through mine too. We are made to keep each other strong, to build each other up. And as long as we have each other. We will be unstoppable.