“Her food is labeled and I wrote down all the times she needs to eat,” I instruct the nanny I hired. She’s a friend of Reanell’s and came highly recommended.

“We’ll be just fine.” Paige bounces Aarabelle on her lap as she giggles.

“Okay, I’m sure I’ll call only around a hundred times.”

Paige smiles reassuringly. “I expect no less. First days are scary, but Aarabelle and I have a busy day of fun planned.”

I secretly love that she’s paying more attention to Aarabelle than me and my neurotic-ness. First day of working at Cole Security and I no longer think this is a good idea. Leaving Aarabelle and then stepping foot into the building where Aaron worked is daunting. I thought maybe I could feel closer to him, now I’m not so sure if this is the right move.

“I’ll have my phone on me and the number to the office is on the paper by the fridge.” I’m clearly stalling. I don’t know how to spend the entire day away from Aarabelle.

Paige brings Aara over to me. “It’ll be fine. If we need you, I’ll call. I promise.”

Nodding and drawing a deep breath, I kiss my daughter and turn to head to work.

I can do this.

Once I reach my car, I notice the note and flower on the windshield. I open the note and my lip turns up.

Hey Lee,

Sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m back at work and my schedule is jacked up. Have a good first day. Be sure to give the guys hell.

Liam

Sitting in the car, I try to wipe the smile off my face but I can’t help it. It’s the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone’s done for me in months.

Starting the car, the phone connects to the bluetooth and I decide to call him.

“Hey,” he answers on the first ring.

“Hi,” I say, still smiling. “I got your card and flower. Thank you.”

“I was jogging and wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been busy getting checked in and caught up to speed.” Liam’s voice is thick and restrained. There’s a part of me that doesn’t fully believe him.

“Right. No, it’s fine. I’ve been busy too,” I lie.

Liam chuckles, “I got a call on Aaron’s quad if you’re still wanting to sell it.”

Another part of Aaron that I’ll lose. “Sure.”

“Lee?” Liam utters my name reluctantly.

“Yeah?”

He pauses and clears his throat. “How’s Aara?”

That wasn’t what I was expecting based on the tone of his voice. Not that I had any idea what he was going to say, but Aarabelle isn’t a touchy subject. “Good, she’s with the nanny and I’m freaking out,” I laugh. “I’m sure she’ll be fine but it’s the first time I’m leaving her.” I turn into the parking lot of Cole Security Forces and nerves begin to stir.

It’s Mark and Jackson, but still. I’m worried that being in there will make his loss even more prominent…not that it can be any more apparent. He’s dead. I’m alone and a single mother.

“You okay?” Liam asks, and I realize I’ve been silent.

With my eyes closed, I shake my head. Am I okay? I don’t remember the last time I felt okay. “I’m fine.”

You can almost feel the disapproval over the phone. He hates that word, but it’s my crutch. “I figured. How about I bring a pizza over tonight? We can go over some of the papers for the sale of his car and now the quad.”

“Sounds good.”

“Good, see you around seven.”

“Seven it is.” This is awkward. I feel like there’s something neither of us is saying but neither of us knows how to proceed. “Okay, I gotta get in to work.”

There’s some rustling in the background and Liam’s hand covers the phone, “I’ll see you later. Good luck today.”

“Thanks, see you later,” I reply and hang up the phone.

I’m going to need a lot of luck.

Exiting the car, my nerves flare again. These men have been a part of my life for years, yet it’s as if I’m just meeting them. Things have changed over the course of seven months. Jackson and Mark still call and check on me, but our friendships have changed. Hell, I’ve changed. Mark came around a lot in the beginning, but as life happens, he’s moved on or pulled away. Liam, however, has stayed constant.

Here goes nothing.

“Lee!” Mark exclaims and comes walking over. “I saw you pull in and I was coming out to get you. Thought maybe you didn’t know where the door was.” He angles in and drops his voice, “It’ll be okay.”

I nod and press my lips together. “I’ve missed you guys.”

“There are some papers in the conference room we need you to fill out and then I’ll show you your office and go over what we need done, sound good?”

I look at my friend, the man who carried my husband for a mile when he was hurt on a mission, the one who is my daughter’s godfather and also the man who destroyed my world, and see his hurt. The pain in his eyes is prevalent because it mirrors mine. As hard as this is for me, this can’t be easy on them either. Mark, Jackson, and the rest of the men here were his friends. Seeing me is probably difficult for them as well.

My hand grips his arm. “I’m happy to see you.”

Mark in his true fashion smirks, “I’m not a bad view, eh, Lee?”

These guys are all the same. Morons. “Sure, you’re the most handsome man I’ve seen in weeks…well, besides my mailman. He’s pretty dreamy.”

“I think I could take him.”

“Pretty sure that’s a federal offense.”

“He can’t touch these guns,” he retorts and flexes.

I roll my eyes and snort, “Oh, dear God.”

I laugh as we walk to the conference room and I notice the stares, but I pretend not to.

Mark notices my unease, “I know this is going to be awkward, but give it a few days and you’ll be one of the guys.”

“Do I really want that?”

“I can make up a cute name for you…let’s see,” he sits in the chair and looks deep in thought.

“I’m worried you’ll burn what little brain cells you have left if you keep thinking that hard,” I taunt him. Being around Mark is like being around a puppy. He naturally brings out the fun and playful side. And he’s caring yet strong and has this undeniable pull that makes you want to be near him.

“Keep it up and your name will be something you don’t like,” his brow raises and his lip curls. “You know you don’t get to pick. Call signs are given. They’re a rite of passage and you get no say. I mean, you think I wanted to be called Twilight?”

Leaning in my chair, I tap the pen. “I don’t know, I mean, you look like you could have a thing for vampires.”

He laughs and I follow. “Fill out the paperwork and then I’ll be back.” He walks over and places his hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here. We need the help with Muffin gone.”

My hand rests on his. “I know it’s hard having them both gone.” In a matter of a few months, Mark lost his two best friends in a manner of speaking. Aaron and he were extremely close. They spent weekends rebuilding Aaron’s car, barbeques on the beach, and then Jackson moved to California. I can’t imagine it’s been easy for him either.

“You know me,” he replies and removes his hand. I look at the paper and I hear the door click closed. Aaron’s death has rocked our worlds and none of us are acknowledging it.

Once I finish filling out what feels like three hundred forms, I head out to find Mark.

Not paying any attention, I open the door and hear a deep voice, “Hey.”

I drop the papers and look up to see Jackson. My hand clutches my chest, “Hey, you scared the shit out of me.” I give a nervous laugh.

Well, this is unexpected. Jackson called the other day to see how we were doing and make sure I was still planning to come to work for him. He towers over me with his six-foot-three frame. I’m not short by any means, but he makes me feel tiny. He crouches and picks up the papers.

“Sorry about that. Catherine says I do the same thing,” he laughs and his eyes light up when he says her name.

“How’s she doing?” I ask. I’ve spoken to her a few times since her move to California, but with the time difference, we seem to miss each other.

Jackson’s joy is prevalent in his features. His eyes brighten, his lips lift, and my heart cracks. I remember being that in love. “Great, we’re great.”

I laugh to cover the pain that’s building. “I didn’t ask about you,” nudging him, I say playfully.

“Yeah, yeah. Everyone cares about her and couldn’t care less about me,” he winks. “How are you doing?” he asks, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in. He’s carried immense guilt for all that’s happened and offered me a job any time I wanted to work. The flexibility and ability to make my own hours was more than appealing. As a journalist, I had to go when the story came. There would’ve been way too many nights I wouldn’t be able to put Aarabelle to sleep.

I let out a slow breath as he releases me. “I’m living. Liam’s been around taking care of things around the house. He’s helped a lot with the stupid, mundane stuff.”

“Dempsey’s a good guy. I spoke with him last week.”

“Oh,” I reply, a little surprised. I didn’t know they were friends like that.

Jackson chuckles at my response. “I have to check on you somehow since you won’t answer my calls.”

“I answer!” I exclaim defensively. “Well, sometimes…” I trail off.

“It’s okay. I know you’re busy and Demps says you lie anyway,” he gives me a knowing look. Jackson is good at reading people. They all are. Sometimes being friends with all SEALs isn’t all that great. Sure, I’m always safe and protected, but it’s impossible to hide anything. Aaron being gone for a while has made me a little lost as to how to act. I drew my strength from him, now I have to rely on my own. Which I think I’ve done a pretty good job at.

“I don’t lie…I’m just tired of saying the same thing over and over.”

“Yeah, I remember that feeling,” Jackson replies.

Oh, how could I forget? Jackson knows better than anyone else. He’s been exactly where I am when his wife died. I’m an idiot and insensitive. “Jackson,” I place my hand on his arm, “I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”

He gives a short laugh and guides me into his office. “Sit,” he says with authority, but still gentle.

It always amazes me how Jackson can be so hard because he has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He’d literally cut off his arm so someone else didn’t have to be in pain. Aaron always admired him and said it was an honor to serve with him. I think he’d be proud that I’ve come to work for Jackson, even if he died because of the job he was doing for him.

Jackson sits across from me, “I’m not one to talk about Maddie and all that happened. I’ve been better since Catherine, but it’s still something I work through. I know you say you’re fine, and that’s okay, but you don’t have to be fine with me. Or Liam,” he gives me a pointed look.

“I don’t know what everyone expects, you know?” I ask. “I mean, do people expect me to be doing cartwheels down the halls? In love already? Married? Or would they prefer me drunk so I don’t have to feel?”

He huffs, “No, they don’t expect that. They don’t know what to expect either. I refused to date after her death. I never wanted to have a fucking woman near me.”

I smile, because I know where he’s going.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t even say it.” Jackson’s grin grows again.

“You’re cute in love,” I lean back and smirk.

He crosses his arms and mimics my stance, “I’m always cute, but that’s not the point.”

I roll my eyes at his arrogance. They all need therapy. “Between you and Mark, I don’t know how anyone can get any work done.”

“Why?” he asks, confused where I’m going.

“Well, I mean you’re both sooo good-looking. I’m sure everyone just stares all day,” I reply sarcastically.

Jackson’s laugh echoes in the room. “You’ll get used to it,” he winks.

“Cat deserves a medal for putting up with you. One day she’ll see the truth.”

“I’ll marry her before that happens. I just need to convince her that I’m worth being around forever.” Jackson is always honest. It’s the one thing we can count on.

“How are you guys doing?” I think Catherine is good for him. She keeps him on his toes and he complements her.

“Good, she’s doing her thing and I’m happy to be back in California. I’m close enough to San Diego, which worked out well. Anyway, enough about me…we were talking about you.”

“Let’s not.”

Jackson puts his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying you have to do whatever you need to in order to survive, but after a while, surviving isn’t enough. Catherine showed me that. I could’ve been in a much better place if I hadn’t lived in limbo for two years.”

There’s not much I can say. I know he means well, and I know he genuinely understands how I’m feeling. Even I don’t understand what the hell I’m feeling or why, but still. “Thanks, Jackson.”

“Enough heavy shit. How’s my beautiful goddaughter?”

The smile at the thought of Aarabelle is automatic. I love that little girl more than my own life. “Thankfully, after the medicine knocked out the infection, she’s been good. You should come see her.”

He laughs, “I was coming whether you offered or not. I had Mark get your office put together last week. I meant what I said about being flexible…if you need to work from home because she’s sick or whatever the case, you can do that. We want you to be happy here and if you need something, feel free to drive Mark absolutely insane until you get it.”

“I’ll be sure to do that just for fun.”

Jackson stands and extends his arm forward. He escorts me to my office.

We enter and I stop short. It’s bigger than his office. I would think this is a conference room. “Wow, Jackson, what the hell?” I question him. “This office is huge. Mark, who’s basically running things from here, is in a cubicle. This is nuts.” I’m blown away and it’s completely unexpected. I’m a receptionist. I won’t go on missions or do anything but file some paperwork and get their ridiculous filing system in order. Honestly, it’s highway robbery for what he’s offered as a salary.

“You may have to bring her here once in a while. We all agreed you’d need something bigger,” Jackson states without batting an eye. “I left some things on your desk if you want to get started. Shoot me an email when you’re ready to leave.”

“Ummm, sure.” I stand gaping at this room. It’s crazy and completely overboard. I should’ve expected it though since Jackson Cole does nothing half-assed.

Time to get to work.