“Okay, you ready?” Liam asks as he has me blindfolded for our next part of the date. I focus on everything around me. I can smell hay or maybe it’s just that clean, open air…I think. I can’t place it, but there’s no noise at all. It’s completely quiet. I breathe in again, and grass and flowers register.

“Where are we?”

I feel him behind me. He stands there not touching me, but I can feel the heat of his body. It sheaths me and the anticipation builds. I lean back so I feel him and he chuckles.

His hands graze my bare arms as the tips of his fingers glide across my skin. My head falls back on his shoulder and my breathing accelerates. “When I was stationed here the first time, I found this place. It’s where I came after we kissed. I come here when I need to remember how small I am in this world.” Liam breathes against my neck. “Sometimes our problems feel so big that we forget how to be grounded and humble.” His hands move to my shoulders. The touch is tender and sensual.

He unties the blindfold and my eyes adjust. It’s pitch black except for the stars and moon above us. It illuminates the beauty that I’m surrounded by. Trees line the field and tall grass encompasses the entire area. It’s untouched except for the small circular patch we stand in. Liam’s arms wrap around me from behind and I take it in. “Wow,” I breathe. “It’s so beautiful and yet so desolate.”

“You’re not alone,” he says, and I sag into him. My head rests against his chest as he holds me tight. “No matter what happens, you’ll have me. As a friend or whatever this becomes or doesn’t.”

“It scares me. I feel like it’s so soon. I miss him still, Liam.” I turn in his arms so I can see his profile. “I loved him my whole life and the idea of moving on terrifies me. I don’t know that I won’t get gun shy and pull away.”

His hands cradle my face. “I’ll never push you. I know he was your world. I saw the love you two shared and I would be full of shit if I said it doesn’t scare me. You’re supposed to be untouchable, and yet here you are in my arms. I don’t know if I’m lucky or a fucking idiot. I just know that when we’re together, it feels right. It feels like we’re supposed to be.”

Even in the dark, Liam’s eyes shine bright. He won’t hurt me. He won’t betray me. He’ll be patient and kind because that’s who he is. My hands tangle in his hair as we stand together. Our foreheads touch and he holds my face as I hold on to this moment. I’m at peace in this very second. No hurt consumes me, no fear, just Liam. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel and pray.

Please, Aaron, be okay with this. Please understand I’ll always love you, but Liam makes it a little bit better. He’ll be good to me. So please, forgive me.

I lift my head and press my lips against his. His hand cradles my cheek and he holds me as we kiss. I grab his neck and feel the weightlessness from letting a little part of myself go. He kisses me adoringly and cautiously, allowing me to lead but still commanding me. I lose myself a little more as I moan when his hand presses against the small of my back.

“Let go,” he says against my mouth. “Let me take it for you.”

Before I can say anything, his mouth is on mine again. Our tongues thrash against each other as the kiss becomes hungry. He pulls me close so there’s no space between us. The low sound resonates through his chest, sending shivers down my spine. It’s sexy, and before I know it, my hands are traveling to his chest. I pull his shirt out and my fingers trail up his chest. I want to feel his skin.

Liam breaks the kiss. “Natalie,” my name is both a plea and a request.

“Shhh,” I instruct him as I unbutton his shirt. “I want to feel your heart.”

My hands glide up and he trembles beneath my touch. We stand here with my fingers resting on his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath me. He’s alive and here with me. His hands stay at his sides as he once again lets me decide where I’m going with this.

“I want to touch you so bad,” he admits and his hand lifts then drops. “I’m fighting every muscle in my body right now.”

“Stop fighting,” I say without thinking.

Liam grips my arm and pulls my hand down as his lips find mine again. He kisses me roughly. Taking from me whatever I’m willing to give. I don’t know how far I can go, but right now I’m lost to him. I don’t see, feel, or want anything but him. My mind shuts off completely and for once I’m living in this moment. In the field with him, I’m not drowning. Liam breathes the air into my lungs for me. The life that left my soul months ago, when it was ripped from me, starts to find its way back. I’m alive in his arms. His touch elicits the part of me I closed off to come back and ignite.

“Liam,” I sigh when his lips leave mine and he kisses my neck.

“Tell me to stop.”

“Liam,” I breathe his name again as I feel his tongue glide against my collarbone.

“Tell me this isn’t wrong,” he says in between kisses.

I grab his face and force him to look at me. I need him to see it in my eyes. I want him to know I’m here with him and only him. “This isn’t wrong.”

He closes his eyes and pulls me against his chest. We hold each other as our breathing comes back to normal. It’s crazy how much he frees me from myself.

“I could stay here forever,” Liam says, breaking the quiet.

“I’d love to see it during the day.”

“One day, sweetheart. Let’s head back to the car before I do something stupid.” Liam releases me and takes my hand and we start to walk back up the path. “I’ve come once during the day, but at night you feel the peace. You can see the light through the black. The stars and the moon remind me that life is short and I need to live each day. My job demands I respect death.”

“Respect death? How can you say that?” I ask with doubt dripping from my voice.

He stops and stands before me. “Without death there is no life.” Liam pauses as if weighing his next words. “When one of us dies, it’s not in vain. We don’t go lightly and if I don’t respect the sacrifice someone made in honor, then what?” Liam asks.

“There’s no respect in death for me. It takes from you. It makes things go dark and gray because there is no solace for the remaining. I’m left here, picking up the pieces of my destroyed life because of death.” I choke on the words as he shifts uncomfortably.

Liam steps forward and I instantly regret my words. “Your life isn’t ruined. It’s altered. Things didn’t go the way you thought, but you have Aarabelle, you have friends who love you, and hopefully you’ll have me. I can never replace him and I never want to. He was my best friend and I’d give anything to have taken his place so you didn’t have to hurt.”

“Liam,” I try to stop him, but he puts his finger to my lips.

“No, I would. I hate seeing you hurt. I hate knowing Aarabelle will grow up not knowing him. I feel guilty getting to touch you, kiss you, and hold you in my arms. But I respect that Aaron saved more lives than we’ll ever know. He gave his life because he was going over there to make sure his team had what they needed. He’s a hero to the men he helped. A patriot. And for that, I respect death.” Liam’s hand presses against my shoulder and he opens the car door.

I don’t speak because I don’t trust myself. I climb in the car and let the weight of his words come down around me.

He was my hero too, and I lost him.

The drive home is quiet as we both feel the emotions settle. There’s a lot to be said, but not tonight. Tonight was our first date, and it doesn’t slip past me that I spent a good majority in memories or tears. I know that if I were with anyone other than Liam, it would’ve been the date from hell.

The car stops in my drive and we sit awkwardly.

“Liam? I know it might not seem like it, but tonight was sincerely special to me.”

He leans over and grins. “You’re special and deserve a night out.”

“I just need time to get there. I want us to keep seeing each other. I want to be…well, whatever we are.” I laugh and wring my hands nervously. This is so uncomfortable it’s a little ridiculous.

“We’re friends, Lee. Friends who kiss a lot.”

I smile and let out a shaky breath. “I like kissing you.”

“I’m glad. Now come here and show me just how much.” Liam’s voice is husky with desire.

I shift slightly and give him exactly what he asks for.

“Hey, babe!” Reanell screams as she runs over. “You look amazing.”

“I look like crap,” I reply as I look down at my sweats.

“Yeah, I was being nice. You look like shit.”

Leave it to Reanell to be so sweet.

“You ready for the gym?”

Reanell and I decided we needed to get off our butts since it’s summer, and if I have to get in a bikini, I’d like to not jiggle so much. Even though there’s not an ounce of fat on her five-foot-three frame. She’s the kind of woman people hate to be friends with, naturally skinny even though she eats a bag of chips in one sitting. Has long, dark brown hair that always looks as if she spent hours doing it when she just woke up. But her eyes are most coveted—she has hazel eyes framed with the longest black eyelashes. I want to hate her, but then she opens her mouth and is the kindest person I know, so hating her is impossible.

“Can we go out to lunch after?” she asks as she sits on the couch.

I slap her leg and scoff. “Get up or we’ll never go, and no, we can’t go out to lunch.”

“Ugh,” she groans. “Such a damn killjoy. Okay, let’s go stare at hot men while they work out.”

“You’re impossible,” I laugh and lock the door.

Paige has Aarabelle at the park while I go work out for an hour. I don’t know how I ever survived without her. She’s sweet, nurturing, and Aarabelle loves her. Plus, she’s available every time I call her. I’ve been working from home a little more frequently since that’s a perk Jackson said I have. Being around Aarabelle for the first eight months of her life and then feeling like I never see her anymore has been extremely difficult for me.

“So,” Reanell says as we get in the car.

“So?”

“Are you seriously not going to tell me about what’s going on with you and Liam?” she asks with raised brows.

I laugh and try to deflect. There’s no way to explain because we’re not defining anything. Since our date, he’s been busy gearing up for another short training mission, so we haven’t seen each other. I miss him though, so that’s something.

“Not much to say. I mean, we’re just taking it one day at time.”

She shifts in her seat and faces me. “Is he a good kisser? Did he touch your boobs?”

“I swear.” I roll my eyes and focus on the road.

“Oh, give it up,” she huffs dramatically.

“Fine,” I reluctantly agree. “He took me to dinner and then to this open field. We kissed and then he was a gentleman and took me home.”

We kissed a lot, but I’m not about to give her any ammunition. Reanell was half asleep when I went to pick up Aarabelle, so she wasn’t pestering me for details. It seems like today is going to be a different story.

“That’s it?” she sounds unimpressed. “I mean…it sounds adorable and all, but I was hoping for something juicy.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” I clench the wheel as we pull in to the gym. When we park, I turn and look at her. I’m tired of how she thinks I should so quickly dismiss my husband and move on. It’s not that easy and I’d bet my ass that if it were her, she’d never talk to another man. “I’m pissed at you.”

Reanell turns in her seat and her jaw falls slack, “Me? Why?”

“Because you make it seem so fucking easy, Rea. It’s not easy.”

“I never said it was easy. I just watch you and it’s hard. But…” She places her hand on my arm and her voice softens. “I hate seeing you like that. You’re my best friend and if it were me and Mason died, you’d push too. I think you’re so strong. You’ve handled this all with grace even while you were dead inside.”

I look away and she shakes my arm. I wanted to yell at her and now she’s making my heart physically ache.

“Look at me,” her voice is pleading. “Liam came around and I thought maybe he’d help you take care of things around the house and introduce you to someone. I never thought he’d be the one to open you up. You smile now.” Tears pool in her eyes and they mirror mine. “You smile and laugh. I couldn’t get you to laugh. I would try and try, but you were just void.”

“Rea…”

“No, it’s just that he did. If Aarabelle had gotten sick before, you would’ve called me right away and begged me to come running. But you didn’t, because Liam was there. Don’t you see? It’s happening and you’re not even trying. I don’t want to see you push him away.”

“I’m scared,” I admit quietly. That’s the bottom line. I’m absolutely terrified. He’s everything that I shouldn’t want. He’s a replica of my husband. Honorable, courageous, and willing to die for the greater good. If I let him in my heart, there’s no way I can handle losing another man. If I let him into my daughter’s world and he leaves too soon, I’ll never forgive myself.

Reanell pulls me into her arms and rubs my back. “I know you are. You can’t keep this all in, Lee. Talk to me.”

Everyone wants me to talk, but when I let even a tiny bit out, I feel like the flood is going to overtake me. I’ll wash up on the shore alone and unable to breathe. There are times it feels like the tide is going to wash me away. So much hurt. So much pain. But then Liam comes around and it’s a little bit easier.

“When I found out Aaron died, the idea of touching anyone else was beyond my thought process. I’d forgotten how to laugh because it was easier to stay behind the wall.” I look at her and the empathy swims in her hazel eyes. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Her lips turn as a sad smile forms. “I know you don’t, but life is having it all. You can’t know real love unless you’ve had true pain. You’re life isn’t going to fit in some box. We’re all bigger than that box. You, me, Aaron, Mason, and even Liam…we don’t get to define the box. But you,” she clenches my arm, “You’re loving even through your pain. You’re beautiful even when you tried not to be. When Aaron died and you had Aarabelle, you lived because you’re better than the box you’ve put yourself in.”

I listen and let her words comfort me. I take each syllable and savor it, really take it in, because she’s right. I know this, but sometimes I forget. The pain and sorrow are easy to get lost in. For some reason, it’s almost easier to be unhappy, but I don’t want to live a life full of misery. I have a beautiful daughter, a fantastic support group, and I have Liam.

“I don’t want to live in a box,” I admit with tears streaming.

“I won’t let you, but it’s not me who opened the lid and for that reason I think he’s good for you.” Reanell pulls me into a hug then pushes back. “Now, do you still want to go in there or should we go get ice cream?”

I laugh despite the tears and hug her again. “Let’s go get our gym on.”

She groans and her head falls back against the seat. “You’re so damn evil.”

“No, I’m just stepping out of the box.”

“Fucking box.”

“Yup, fucking box.”