Tabitha
I expected a lot from tonight.
I expected to enjoy myself at dinner. I expect to enjoy Daniel’s conversation. I expected to feel good about myself. I expected to feel pretty.
What I didn’t expect was to go home alone to an empty apartment, to crash before ten, and to be woken in the middle of the night by my super-sexy super-ex husband.
I guess that’s why they say to expect the unexpected. Then again, this is much more unexpected than I could have possibly imagined.
Lex is here.
He’s here and he’s holding me and somehow, everything feels right with the world again. I don’t know what it is about having his arms around me, but when he holds me, I know this is right where I’m supposed to be. It’s where I was born to be.
I was meant to be with him.
I was meant to be his girl.
I try not to think about how much we messed up in the past. I try not to think about all of the mistakes we made or all of the fights we had. I try not to think about the words we yelled at each other in the heat of passion. I try not to think about the look on his face when we signed the divorce papers.
I try not to think about any of that.
Instead, I just think about the fact that I had a bad day, a long day, and now Lex is holding me. I think about the fact that somehow, when I’m in his arms, I really think everything is going to be okay. I can’t figure out what it is about Lex that makes me feel so safe, but I’ll take it.
I’ll take him.
All of him.
The words I still love you are on the tip of my tongue, but I know I shouldn’t say them. Things between us really are ancient history and I’m no archeologist. There’s no room for a future here, but that doesn’t mean I’m about to give up this hug. This doesn’t mean I’m about to let him walk away from this moment we’re sharing.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” I finally find my voice and my hands stroke his back. Lex. He’s here. He’s come back.
“I could say the same about you,” he says. “I didn’t know you’d be here, baby. I thought you were at home.”
“I, um…” How much do I tell him? How much do I tell Lex about why I’m here? It seems weird, now that he’s caught me. Suddenly, I’m less comfortable with the fact that I hide at my ex-husband’s apartment in order to feel closer to him.
I would never bring a guy back here or sleep with someone at Lex’s apartment. I don’t use his place like that. No, I just like to sleep here. I just like to find solace here. Sometimes, it seems like my entire world is crashing, but when I’m here, in Lex’s place, I finally feel a little bit grounded.
I finally feel a little rooted.
I finally feel like maybe my life isn’t completely out of control, even though it is.
“Tabitha?” He pulls back and looks at me. His eyes search mine. Even in the dim lighting, he’s beautiful. Does he know that? Does Lex know how damn gorgeous he is? He’s one of the most handsome men I’ve ever met. That’s not the reason I married him, of course. It’s just a fact. It’s just one of the many things I love about him. “Why are you here? Is everything okay?”
“I missed you,” I blurt out. I immediately cover my mouth with my hand. “I missed you,” I whisper again. My hand is still on my mouth. He looks perplexed for just a second, and then Lex removes my hand from my mouth. He kisses the back of my hand gently, softly. His eyes never leave mine.
Who is this man and why is he here?
I know why he’s here. He lives here. This is his home, but why is he here with me? Why hasn’t he demanded I leave? Why is he being kind to me?
“I missed you, too, Tabitha,” he says. Then he kisses my cheek. Lex’s lips feel soft against my skin, and for a moment, I’m transported back in time to when we were together: really together. I’m transported back to a time when everything felt right, when everything felt complete.
“I can’t believe it’s really you,” I say, suddenly feeling on the edge of tears. I wrap my arms around Lex and pull him close. Fuck. He has no idea just how much I really missed him. He has no clue. How could he? He was gone for a damn year and aside from one short visit home, we didn’t see each other.
So much has changed in a year and suddenly, something tells me that things have changed more than I expected. Lex doesn’t seem the same. He doesn’t seem like the same man. He seems different, somehow. Physically, he’s stronger. I know that much. He likes to spend his free time working out because it centers him. There’s more to it than that, though, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Lex seems a little wild.
A little bad.
A little naughty.
And when I meet his gaze again, I feel an intensity that definitely wasn’t there when he left for the desert.
“It’s me,” he says. “And there’s so much we need to talk about.”
I nod, but a million thoughts race through my head. There’s so much he doesn’t know about what’s been going on in my life. There’s so much he doesn’t know about me and the kids. It’s not that I’ve purposely hidden information from him, but he’s been on deployment. I just didn’t want him to worry. I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle things. I didn’t want him to feel bad for being gone when we needed him.
Now, I’m thinking about Piper’s problems at school and the fact that Gregory is wetting the bed again. I’m thinking about how much time I spend taking care of the kids and how little I spend working out. I’m thinking about how firm and fit Lex seems and how jiggly and wobbly I am in comparison.
Suddenly, I wish I hadn’t put off all of these talks because this is Lex, and he’s definitely going to want to talk.
He’s definitely going to be asking me hard questions.
He’s definitely going to want to know why I excluded him from parenting even when he was gone, and that thought alone makes my mouth go dry.
Is he going to feel like I betrayed him?
Is he going to feel like I purposely kept him out of the loop?
Fuck.
“Tabitha?” He asks, and his voice has gone deep. I know that voice. I’ve always thought of it as his “Dom” voice even though we’ve never played like that together. I always suspected Lex was curious about BDSM, but it wasn’t until after my divorce I started playing at clubs. It wasn’t until after our marriage failed that I started exploring the submissive side of myself.
“Yes, sir?” I ask, letting the word slip out before I can stop myself. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have called him “sir.” “I mean, um, yes?” I try to save the moment, but his eyes have already narrowed. Shit. Now he’s going to have even more questions, and in my groggy, overtired state, I don’t know that I’m really ready to answer them.
“Sir?” He asks, and the indication is clear.
He wants to know why I called him that.
Of all the words I could have used, why would I call him “sir”?
It’s obvious from the thinly veiled lust on his face that the word does something for him, stirs up something primal inside of Lex, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with that side of him. I’m not sure if I’m ready to handle that part of him. I’m not sure if I can surrender myself to Lex in that way because if I do, I might give him everything.
I will definitely give him everything.
Playing at Anchored is safe. It’s reasonable. It’s a decent place where no one is going to push me too hard without a contract. No one is going to push me beyond what I can handle, beyond what I want to give.
Something tells me Lex isn’t that way. He wouldn’t be that kind of Dom. He wouldn’t be a pushover. He would be demanding and precise. He would want perfection in everything, but he would also be generous. He would be a giving Dom. He would give me more orgasms than I could possibly handle and then he would give me some more.
Still, I’m not ready to divulge this side of myself to Lex. There’s a reason I chose to go on a date with someone from an app and not someone from the club. I don’t know if I’m ready for a real non-vanilla relationship. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment, that kind of vulnerability.
Lex doesn’t say anything now. He just looks at me, watching me. He just waits for me to find my balls, waits for me to pluck up the courage to say what we’re both waiting for me to say.
“It’s just that when you speak to me in that tone of voice,” I start, but my voice falters.
“What, Tabitha?” He asks gently, but his voice is still firm. “What happens when I use this tone of voice on you?”
I swallow hard. This is it. It’s going to be sink or swim from here on out, and I’m not sure which, but I’m not going to stay in this place where I’m floating, but never getting anywhere. I’m going to reach the shore or die trying, and my time starts now.
“I get wet, sir.” My eyes meet his and my entire body tightens with arousal and excitement as I say the words again. “Your voice makes my pussy wet.”