Shit! I don't know what to say to him. I'm not ready for him to know because I don't even know how I feel about it myself. Honestly, I never really thought about it until this point. I've been living in blissful denial. I thought I would have more time. More time to... figure this out. Now Jude knows, and he's angry. His enormous body towers over me, and even though I know he would never hurt me, he scares me. I can't help it. Whatever happens now, I'm out of options. There is no more figuring out what to do.
I just need space. I can't deal with this and Jude going apeshit at the same time. It's too much. I duck and make a break for the shower door.
He grabs hold of me and shakes his head. "Where are you going?"
"I can't do this with you right now," I whisper, my voice hitching.
He gives me a stern glare. "You can't fucking ignore this, you know?" He's angry, but beneath the anger I can see the hurt. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt Jude.
My chest tightens. Why didn't I tell him? I'm so obsessed with my quest for revenge that I haven't even thought about afterwards. I've been living for one purpose—kill Joe Campbell. This... this was never part of the plan, but I should have trusted him with it.
"Fuck," he sighs. "You need to go to the fucking doctor."
I shake my head. "No, I'm fine."
He pulls me closer to him, his grip hard enough to brook no argument. "I wasn't fucking asking," he grates, the muscles in his jaw tense.
I glare at him and rip my arm from his grip. "I don't need a doctor, and I'm not going to be bullied into going to see one," I snap.
"If it's my kid. It's half my fucking responsibility. You will go to the doctor, Tor."
"If?" I breathe the one word, such a small word that says a thousand more. He thinks it's Joe's.
His jaw twitches. "Yeah, Tor. If. As bad as that sounds, you can't fucking blame me for thinking it."
I feel sick. I shake my head, meeting his torn gaze. "No," I whisper. "I can't because it's exactly the same thing I thought when they told me." I swallow and look away. "And my only thought was that I would sooner cut it out myself and bleed out than have it."
His shoulders droop, that hardened exterior of his faltering. Dropping my arm, he drags his hands through his wet hair. "Fuck. I'm sorry." His hand brushes my cheek. "Shit, you're pregnant." He shakes his head before his eyebrows drop into a frown. "You're pregnant," he repeats. "Shit. You can't go running around with a gun and fucking killing people, woman. You can't do shit like that with a fucking kid in your stomach. It's not right."
I roll my eyes. "Because you know so much about pregnancy and what's right."
"I know what's right for you. From now on, you are gonna do what I tell you to. You're gonna eat, you're gonna sleep, and you're not fucking killing anyone."
I feel my anger levels rising to irrational levels. "Fuck you, Jude." Do what he tells me? Is he even serious? I go to step around him, and he throws a muscled arm out, blocking my exit. Water cascades over his biceps, making the dark ink on his skin come to life.
"I mean it. This changes everything." He glares at me.
"This changes nothing. And don't you, of all people, dare fucking preach at me about killing people."
He narrows his gaze and arches an eyebrow. "Fuck, I should have known something was going on the way you lost your shit over the head in the freezer this morning! You can go ahead and rein those damn hormones of yours in!"
I want to scream. "It is not fucking unreasonable not to want a fucking head in the freezer!" I scream. And you want me cooped up and wrapped in cotton wool? You're going to get it, hormones and all. Just you wait." I narrow my eyes at him smugly.
He rolls his eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ! I can't handle this shit. Take your damn shower and go eat something."
"This is only the beginning," I say, smirking as I duck under his arm and leave the shower. I glance over my shoulder at his powerful frame, completely naked behind the glass.
"Oh, fucking threats now, huh? Real mature, Tor..."
"Preparation," I correct him. If he thinks he's going to control me for the next six months, he is sadly mistaken.
I take a towel from the back of the door before leaving the bathroom.
I towel dry my hair quickly, and pull on a tank top and shorts. I open the drawer and grab the nine millimetre, the weight of the cool metal feels good in my hands.
I leave the bedroom and stalk down the hallway. I'm at the top of the stairs when I hear him call after me.
"You better call one of those fucking doctors that stare at pussies all day, and you make a fucking appointment, or I'll do it for you. Do you hear me, Tor?" He slams the door, and then apparently proceeds to slam every drawer and cupboard in the bedroom. Fucking Neanderthal.
This is classic Jude. Doesn't know how to deal with shit, so he gets angry and tries to control me. I'm not going to the doctor. This baby survived this long, and it's survived a lot. The last few weeks have been a cakewalk compared to its first few. A doctor is an unnecessary risk at this point because all I need is for Joe to find out I'm pregnant.
"I'm not going to a fucking doctor, Jude!" I shout over my shoulder as I descend the stairs. He probably can't even hear me over his own temper tantrum. Of all the men I could have gotten knocked up with, it had to be him.
Marney glances at me as I pass by. He's sat at the breakfast bar smoking a cigarette and reading the paper. A cup of coffee sits in front of him that I'm sure is ninety percent whiskey. He peeks over the edge of his paper. His eyes flick down to my stomach. I'm wearing a tight tank, because well, what the fuck does it matter now? The way they're all acting, you would think I'm the size of a whale.
"I take it you told him?" he asks me.
I sigh. "No, but he knows. Which is fan-fucking-tastic."
He chuckles. "Aw, hell. Did he get his panties in a bunch?"
I roll my eyes. "What do you think? Go to the doctor, Tor." I try to mimic his voice. "Arsehole." I can talk to Marney, really talk to him. If Caleb was the brother I never had, then Marney is the father I always wanted, minus the murderous criminal thing.
"Humph." He pops the paper back out and reaches for his coffee. "He cares about you; that's all. Jude has one emotion. Anger. He's like a caveman."
I snort. "Yep, that's Jude. He'll be pissing on me and beating his chest soon."
Marney chuckles. "Let the man have his moment." His eyes stray back down to the gun in my hand. "You 'bout to go shoot? Jude, should like that, the woman carrying his seed with a gun." He arches an eyebrow.
"I swear to God, Marney. You start this shit..." I huff.
He laughs and takes a long drag of his cigarette, holding his hands up innocently. "Go on then."
I walk out the screen door, his raspy laughter following me. The warm sunshine hits my skin, and the scent of pine trees fills my senses. I love it out here. I love the vast open space around the cabin, the thick woods that surround it. You could live up here for months and never even know that another soul existed. It's peaceful.
I move just inside the tree line and flick the safety off the gun. I lift the weapon and point it at the target which is messily marked on a nearby tree. Various bullet holes disrupt the edges of the paint, splintering the bark. I fire one shot after another, allowing it to cleanse me. I find it therapeutic, a release if you like.
I release the empty clip and take a new one out of my back pocket. I've just clicked it into place when the screen door bangs and Jude comes barreling down the steps. "What are you fucking doing?" he shouts.
I sigh and turn back to the target, pulling the trigger again.
I hear the pine needles crunch beneath his boots, and he stops behind me. "Don't fucking ignore me."
I turn to face him. "Then don't be a fucking prick!"
I can see anger flash across his features, but he reins it in, which does nothing but infuriate me further. "Give me the gun, Tor. And that is not a request!"
"Oh, you fucking..." I grit my teeth and point the gun at him. "Fuck you, Jude!" I'm so angry. "I'm pregnant for fuck sake, not disabled or mentally deficient. I'm not suddenly going to shoot myself!"
Arching his brow, he reaches for the gun. "Give it to me!"
I shove the barrel into his chest. "Careful. You never know when I might have a hormonal outburst," I growl. He cocks an eyebrow at me.
"Give. Me. The. Gun."
I throw it on the ground and storm past him. "Arsehole!"
"Please tell me you did not just throw a loaded gun onto the goddamn ground?" he groans as he bends to pick it up. "Fuck, Tor. It was cocked!"
"Shame it didn't have a misfire!" I shout, without turning back around to look at him.
I walk into the kitchen and Marney is still sat there, paper in hand, a small smile on his face. He places his cigarette between his lips and inhales. "How'd that work out for ya?"
I want to scream. I want to fucking scream. "He's a fucking dick!"
Jude comes storming through the door behind me. "Stop acting like a fucking kid about it, Tor!" He glances over at Marney and shakes his head. He snatches the cigarette from Marney's lips, smashing it out on the counter. "No more fucking smoking around her! You hear me?" he shouts.
Marney's gaze drifts from Jude to me. "Did he piss on you yet?"
"Clearly not. I think he might be bordering on clinically insane. Tell him, Marney! Before I fucking kill him. He's known for half an hour, half a fucking hour, and I already want to slit his throat in his sleep!"
Jude's eyes narrow, and his jaw drops. He points at Marney. "Did he fucking..." he turns to face him, "Did you fucking know, old man?" Jude swats his hand over the top of his head. "You fucking told Marney, and not me? Goddamn it, Tor!"
"I didn't tell him; he overheard me!" I defend before he kicks the shit out of Marney. Ridiculous? Yes, but this is Jude.
"Overheard you? Who the fuck else knows?"
I glance at Marney, and his eyes are full of pity. I drop my gaze to the kitchen floor, and neither of us says anything.
"Who else knows?" Jude no longer sounds angry, he sounds hurt.
"No one," my voice breaks. I feel a hand rub my shoulder and look up to find Marney standing next to me, angling his body between me and Jude.
Marney takes a deep breath, squeezing my shoulder as he says, "Found her pouring her little heart out at Caleb's grave."
Jude's face crumples and he hangs his head. There's a tense silence, and then I watch his shoulders fall before he makes his way to the hallway. "No fucking smoking around her," he demands before disappearing into a room.
I watch him go, my emotions swinging from anger to pity and back again. Marney puts an arm around my shoulder and guides me to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "Sit down, sweetheart. I'll make you a tuna melt."
I'm pretty sure Marney can't cook, but I don't argue. I fold my arms on the bar and rest my cheek on them. I just don't understand why Jude has to be so impossible. I guess I always knew I would have to tell him, and I always knew he would be crazy protective, that he wouldn't let me get the revenge I so desperately need. Maybe I was in the wrong, but he's just proved me right. There's no way he's going to let me go after Joe now, and without that... without it, I don't know what to do.
Marney puts a glass of water in front of me and grabs a pan from under the stove. I listen to the sound of him shuffling around the little space. Eventually, he places a plate on the counter. A slightly burnt piece of bread topped with some canned tuna.
"Thanks." I pick up a fork and take a mouthful of food. I have no appetite. I never do.
Marney goes back to reading his paper, but I can feel him watching me. At least he's subtle I suppose, unlike fucking Jude.
"Tuna melts ain't no good cold," he says as he turns a page.
I fight a smile and take another mouthful.
If I'm going to have to take six more months of the Neanderthal, at least I have Marney.
Jude leaves, angry at me, and I guess I can't really blame him. The rest of the day drags on, and Jude doesn't come back. I go to bed alone. I don't like sleeping alone. It's as though my own mind can sense it, and the nightmares are just waiting for me the moment I close my eyes.