Hands pin me down, restraining me as he leans over me. "Victoria, you know fighting is useless." He presses his disgusting cock against me. "I'll only hurt you more." His face contorts into a grimace as he rips into me. I clench my teeth against the pain, the invasion, the degradation.
I feel his fingers wrap around my chin.
"Wake up, Tor."
I jump awake, a hand is still on my face, deep breaths blowing against my cheek. I thrust my hand under my pillow and am grateful when my fingers brush the cool metal of the gun. I grab it and twist away from him, pulling the gun up in front of me. I can only make out a shadowy figure in the darkness.
"Stay the fuck away from me!" I shout, clicking the safety off. My hands shake, my palms are slick with sweat as adrenaline and fear course through my veins. All I can hear is the pounding of my frantic pulse in my ears.
"Whoa, Tor! I'm not gonna fucking hurt you. Put the gun down."
I count each of my laboured breaths, in and out, in and out. I frown as reality and dream blur and then pull apart. Jude. It's Jude. Oh, my God, I almost shot him! I scramble backwards until my trembling legs touch the ground, and then I run. Why? I don't know. I just can't face him. I find a bathroom down the hall and lock myself inside it.
I just want Joe out. I want him out of my head. I slide down the wall until the cold tile of the floor bites against the backs of my thighs and tears roll down my cheeks. I said I would get revenge. I said I would hunt him down for Caleb, but how long must I survive this? Jude might have rescued me, but I will never be free. Joe is always there, waiting to torment me. He's won because even after he is dead and buried, he will still be right here in my mind.
"Tor?" I hear Jude calling me. "What are you doing?" The handle rattles, and there's a thud on the other side. "Please put the gun down." He inhales deeply. "Please!"
I glance down at my fingers still firmly wrapped around the pistol, my index finger pressed against the trigger. I raise it and stare at it. It would be so easy, so quick. Painless. Caleb didn't feel any pain; he was just... gone. I want to be gone. I want it to end. I clench the handle with both hands and rest the smooth length of the barrel against my forehead. The metal feels cool and against my skin, alluring.
"Don't do it, Tor. I know what you're thinking, and it's not..." his voice trails off. He stops, and I hear him take a ragged breath. "I need you. Please, don't do it. I can't lose you too." He pauses, "Think of Caleb, Tor. At least if I have you, it seems there was a reason for him dying."
Caleb. There was no reason for him to die. I promised myself that I would kill Joe though, for Caleb, and I will. I stare at the gun in my hand, the potential of salvation so close, so tempting, and I drop it onto the floor, the metal clicking heavily against the tile.
Jude jiggles the handle once more. "Please let me in." His voice is quiet, barely contained. The Jude I once knew would batter down that door, but now he's standing on the other side begging me not to kill myself. If that isn't tragic, I don't know what is. He has lost everything, but I can't be his everything. I can't be anything to anyone.
The two people we once were are broken.
I leave the gun on the bathroom floor and stammer to my feet, swiping at the tears on my face. I pull open the door and come face to face with Jude's massive frame. His forearms brace either side of the door; his head hung forward in defeat. He slowly lifts his face, and his green eyes meet mine. It pains me to see such a powerful man look so destroyed. I know I'm selfish. Caleb is dead, and I'm all Jude has. He has told me this many times, and yet, I can't seem to muster the will to care.
He wordlessly pulls me into his arms, pressing me against his warm chest. He makes me feel safe, and for the brief moments when he holds me, I feel untouchable. I wish this were enough. I wish he were enough, but even Jude can't keep my demons at bay.
I nuzzle against his bare chest and close my eyes. His hand cups the back of my head, and I feel his strong heartbeat under my cheek. If Jude can make me feel safe for even the briefest moments, then perhaps he can make me forget too. Maybe he can erase Joe's touch. I can still feel Joe's hands on my body, and I hate that he was the last person to have me that way.
I pull my face away from the warmth of his skin and look up at him. He cups my face in both hands and strokes his thumbs over my jaw. I take a deep breath. My eyes flick down to his lips and back up to his eyes as I muster the courage to kiss him. He doesn't need any more than that. He leans in and gently presses his lips to mine in a whisper of a kiss. I push up on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck, clinging to him with shaking fingers.
The air rushes from his lungs, a deep groan leaving him as his hands move around to the back of my head, tangling in my hair. His muscles tremble under my fingertips from his restraint, his cock pressing against my stomach. I want him; I need him. He can take this away. He can make it better. I tentatively push my tongue against his, and he moans, thrusting his tongue into my mouth. His fingers tense, pulling my hair, and then suddenly, I'm against the wall, my legs around his hips, my body pinned by his much larger one. And it's then that my mind goes into overload. I can't do this. Images flash through my mind on fast forward, memories of being restrained, held down, forced. Joe is dragging me by my hair, pinning me by my throat. My lungs seize, and my body goes into lockdown. I can't move. I just need it to stop. I press my hands to his chest and shove him away, screaming, "Stop!" My breathing is ragged, my pulse hammering through my veins out of fear.
Jude steps back, his lips pressed together, his brow furrowed. I close my eyes and try to still my shaking limbs.
"Tor..." his fingers brush my face, and I jump, my eyes flashing open. He approaches me cautiously like he's worried the slightest movement may send me over the edge. His eyes are full of pity, and I hate it. "I just miss you," he whispers, his eyes locked with mine. "I'm sorry." He stands staring at me, uncertain of what to do.
Tears fill my eyes. I hate that Joe has done this to me, to us. I'm angry at myself for being this weak. This is Jude. I know he would never hurt me, but my mind is so damaged, so conditioned, that it doesn't seem to matter. "I'm sorry," I choke.
He shakes his head and reaches for me, pulling me close to him. I press my cheek to his broad chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and timing my frantic breaths to it.
"Don't be." He rubs his hand up and down my back, comforting me in a way only he can. "Let's just go to bed, okay?"
I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me back to the bedroom. I curl on my side, and he lays behind me, pulling me into the crook of his body. I wish I could stay like this with him forever, with him protecting me from the world.
"Give it time, doll," he breathes. "I'm not going anywhere."
I nod and cling to the strong arm wrapped around me. They say time heals all wounds. I can only hope that's true.