I haven't heard from Jude since he was sentenced. My calls and letters go unanswered, and I don't even know if he's receiving them. Worse, I worry that he is receiving them, but he hates me. I did what he asked of me. Is that justice enough for what I said? Of course not. Part of me died the second I lied to a courtroom of people about the man I love. But didn't I do it out of love? For our child? I don't know anymore. All I know is he will die because of me, and I can't forgive myself for it.
I haven't heard a peep from him, until now. My fingers glide over my name, scrawled across the envelope so heavily, it's engraved deeply.
I've been staring at this letter for hours, unable to open it, terrified of what it will say. I eventually pluck up the courage and open the envelope.
Tor,
You need to move on with your life. You have your life back. You have your family back. You are where you belong.
You were meant to be a doctor, get married, join a fucking country club, not fall in love with me. I am not, and never was, right for you. You had no other choice but to love me, Tor, because you are a survivor. That is what you do, adapt to survive. You loved me to survive. I know you can't see it now, but one day you will. I will make sure you are taken care of. The love I have for you, for our baby, is genuine. You are my world, and that is why this is the last time you will ever hear from me, because I love you.
Sometimes the lines between right and wrong become so blurred that everything seems like it's right. You may be right for me, Tor, but I am fucking wrong for you.
I will always love you,
Jude
Silent tears fall down my cheeks. Is he doing this because he can't forgive me? Does he really believe that my love for him was borne of necessity? Does he really want me to move on? To forget about him? I know what he's saying makes sense in a twisted way. I should move on. Jude is going to be in prison until he dies, my pining for him is only causing my misery, but even so, his doing this to me hurts so fucking much.
I hear a throat clear and glance up to find Lizzy standing in the doorway of the snug, her hands on her hips. "Right, that's it. It's been weeks Victoria. I'm not letting you wallow in this any longer." I glance up at the scowl fixed on her face, but don't respond. She sighs and moves until she's right in front of me. "You're scaring me, Ri." She whispers. "I know... I can't even imagine what you've been through, but you have to go on with your life."
She's right. I have to, even Jude is telling me that, but how? If I knew, then I would.
"Look, I spoke to the hospital about allowing you to continue your residency, after..." She won't say the word baby. She avoids the topic altogether. No one wants to talk about the rapist's child. "They agreed to have you back, given the circumstances. Isn't that great?" she says a little too enthusiastically.
"Yeah, that's great." My voice is flat, emotionless. Isn't that what I want? To go back to the job that I spent seven years learning to do? To save lives? I don't know anymore. My views have changed. I no longer value life the way I used to. I've become numb to death, and that makes me a liability as a doctor.
"And..." She shifts uneasily and takes a seat next to me, sweeping her hair behind her ear as her eyes fix mine. She takes my hand in both of hers and swallows heavily. "I really think it would be for the best if you were to..." she takes a deep breath. “If you were to put the baby up for adoption." I drop her hand and jump up so fast the room spins. "I just... it's not healthy, Victoria. That baby will be a constant reminder, dragging you back to the past, to him. You could move on with your life, be a doctor, get married, have other kids."
This baby is all I have left, and she wants me to give her away, give away Jude's child, the child he made me testify against him for. "Never," I whisper, too hurt to voice it properly.
"Ria, please..." I leave the room, cutting her off. I feel sick. This is it, my so called family, my only living relative. She doesn't really love me. She loves me as long as I'm her sane and successful sister, doing the right thing. This version though, with the spawn of a convicted criminal... she doesn't want this version of her sister. I run up the stairs to my room.
I shut my bedroom door and slide down the wood. With shaking hands, I pull my phone from my pocket and take out Jude's letter, with Marney's number at the bottom.
I type the number into the phone with trembling fingers and place the receiver to my ear. I listen to it ring, hoping to God he fucking picks up.
"Hello?" his raspy voice croaks into the line.
"Marney," I choke out.
"Well, hello there little darlin'." I can almost hear him smiling. "I was wondering when you were gonna call me. What's got you all upset?"
I smile through my tears. I missed him. "Hey." I sniff. "I need. I can't..." More tears slide down my cheeks.
I hear a lighter click in the background. "You want me to come get you?"
"Please." I take a deep breath. "I can't stay here.”
"Alright." He inhales, most likely taking a puff from a cigarette. "I'mma come get you. Pack you some clothes, and you best leave a note or tell someone you're leaving on your own accord, cause I ain't going to jail too. Where you want me to get you from?"
"My sister's house." I reel off the address quickly.
"Give me four hours. And make sure you tell 'em you're leaving."
"Okay." I hang up the phone and inhale.
Marney isn't Jude, but in a weird way I feel like there's a bit of him in Marney. He watched him grow up. He's practically like a father to Jude. If I can't be with Jude, then I want to be with Marney. He makes me feel safe, almost as safe as Jude. And at this point, Marney is the only person who knows just how much I love Jude. He knows what we have is real and not just the delusions of some poor raped and abused girl who's gone crazy.
I stand up and grab a bag from under the bed. I don't have much, only what Lizzy bought me. I've been dependent on her and John for the last few weeks. Jude made sure I had money, but I couldn't exactly spend it without raising suspicion. The last thing I want is for anyone to start asking questions.
I shove my few items of clothing and my toothbrush into the bag and sling it over my shoulder. Lizzy is waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
"Where are you going?" Her voice is panicked.
"I'm leaving," I say without looking at her.
I stare out the window. All I can see is the clear turquoise waters of the Caribbean. The car takes a sharp left-hand turn, bumping over a dirt path. Minutes later we pull up to a beautiful villa situated on an inlet.
The house is white with plantation shutter windows and a Spanish tiled roof. Tall pampas grass lines the drive and palm trees sit to the side of the house. The car rolls to a stop, and Marney clamors out, immediately lighting a cigarette. The driver goes to the boot, pulls out the luggage, and sets it on the ground in front of my feet. This is my new home. Oceans separating me from the life I once had, and from Jude. This is hours from civilization, and I am fine with that.
The smell of the ocean drifts on the warm breeze, making me smile. I love the ocean. I instantly feel calm in this place.
Marney pays the driver then grabs the handles on the suitcases. "Alright. Well, come on," he says, the cigarette dangling from his lips.
I follow him to the bottom of the wooden stairs, and the wind catches my hair. He pulls a key from his pocket and opens the door. When he takes the keys from the lock they drop, the clatter from the metal hitting the floor echoes from the tall ceilings.
"Damn, boy," Marney mumbles, looking back at me.
"This place is beautiful," I say, glancing around the entryway of the house.
"Well, it's yours. Jude put it in your name, well, in your alias well before you ever left." He fidgets, looking at the ground. "I guess he knew even then that he wanted to give it all up for you, sweetheart."
"I..." I swallow around the lump in my throat. "Why would he do that?" I stammer.
He shrugs and says simply, "Cause he loves you."
I bite my lip and look away from him. I can't have this conversation right now, because it's irrelevant.
The floor to ceiling window bathes the entrance way in light. A spiral staircase sits in front of it, silhouetted against the glass. The view is amazing, white sand and an endless ocean. The house is right on the beach. I step further into the house, taking in my surroundings. I walk through an arched doorway into a living room. One wall is nothing but French doors, all facing the water.
The wooden floors creak slightly as I move across them, exploring the house. Marney quietly follows me. There's a brand new kitchen, a pool and deck out the back, and a gym in the basement. I climb the stairs. As soon as I push open one door, I want to cry. There, in the middle of the room is the most beautiful crib. Gossamer hangs from the ceiling, covering the ornate woodwork. I run my fingers over the edge of the wood, taking in the room. Everything is here. The walls are painted a soft yellow, and all the furniture matches the crib. I can't believe he did this.
Marney clears his throat. "He wanted to surprise you. Been working on this since you went to the doctor and saw the 'blob'." He looks at the ground awkwardly.
I swallow hard and nod. God, I wish he was here, so much.
I leave the nursery quickly, before my emotions get the better of me and follow him down the hallway. He points to a door and drops my bags outside it. "Well, here's the master bedroom. I'll be outside smoking."
I walk through the door. The room is huge. A four-poster bed sits in the middle, draped in white gossamer. It's simple but beautiful. I drop my bag on the bed and move to the shuttered doors on the far side of the room. When I pull them open, I see a balcony outside that overlooks the beach. I lean on the railing and take a minute to absorb it all. The warm sun touches my face, the slight breeze blowing my hair. I love this place, but being here reminds me that this was supposed to be mine and Jude's happily ever after. He should be here, and he's not, he never will be.
That thought tears at my heart. I grip the railing hard enough that the wood bites into my palm.
I have to accept it, and move on, for both my sake and our child. I have to accept it, and yet, I don't think I ever truly can. Part of me thinks it would be easier if he were dead. Knowing he's there, but never being able to touch him again, it's the worst kind of torture.
Two months later...
I'm lying on the beach, reading a book when I hear the rumble of a car engine in the drive. I get up and make my way back to the house. The fine sand slips between my toes as I walk.
"Marney!" I shout as I step back inside the house. My voice echoes off the high ceilings.
"In here," he grunts. He sounds like he's struggling with something.
Marney curses under his breath. He glances up as he pulls a large box from one of the plastic bags and tosses it onto the counter. "Diapers. Might as well go ahead and buy those." He looks at me and smiles. "Now, close your eyes for this one, little darlin'." I do as I’m told and hear the bags rustling. "A'ight. Open 'em up." When I open my eyes, I see Marney standing there holding out a onesie. A pink camouflage onesie. I press my lips together, trying not to laugh. Where the hell did he even find that?
"That's cute. Thanks, Marney." He smiles wide, the corners of his eyes wrinkling.
"I liked it. Hell, I couldn't find one with a gun on it. So I thought this was just 'bout as good." He tosses it on top of the diapers. "What do you want for dinner?"
This has become my life. I can't complain. It's beautiful here, and Marney is like a father to me in an odd way. Well, apart from the fact that he's spent his entire life killing people, but I like to think that doesn't define him as a person. Beneath his rough exterior, he's as soft as they come. He looks after me, and in a strange way, he makes me feel close to Jude. I know Jude told him to look after me.
A few moments of awkward silence pass before Marney clears his throat. "You thought of any names for her yet?" I shake my head. "Hmm." He dumps a box of noodles into the pot. "You're gonna have to name it. What about Marlene?" he chuckles to himself.
I cough, trying to cover my laugh. "Um, yeah, maybe. I kind of think I'll know when I see her." Honestly, the entire concept is still a struggle for me. At the moment, I have this thing inside me, this bump, but it will be a little person. My mind can't quite grasp the fact, so until that little person is in fact here, and no longer a blob, it shall remain nameless.
The phone rings. Marney reaches across the island to answer it. "Hello?" His eyes set on me, and he smiles. "Well, 'bout damn time boy. How ya been?" He stands there just listening for minutes, then clears his throat. "Yeah, about that... hang on just a second." He pulls the phone away from his ear and holds it out to me. "Take it," he nods.
I press the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I ask tentatively.
There 's silence. Just breathing. "What the... Tor?" His voice is so low, so raspy.
"Jude." For a second I choke, my heart racing, and then I remember his letter, and I get angry, really fucking angry. "You fucking arsehole!" I snap. "This is the last time you will hear from me. Really? Well, fuck you!"
He laughs. "So feisty..."
I growl down the phone at him. "I swear to God, Jude, I would kill you myself..." I take a deep breath. "You don't get to make that choice for me. You didn't even call."
"Look, Tor," his tone has gone serious, dominant, typical Jude. "I had to fucking do it. You need to move on."
I pause for a moment, absorbing the words that I know are right. "I can't," I whisper.
"You have no choice but to, Tor," he breathes. "Why in the hell are you with Marney anyway?"
I lean forward, resting my elbows on the counter. "My sister... it became difficult. She thinks... she thinks I should put the baby up for adoption."
There's silence. I can imagine his jaw is ticking at this very moment. "Fucking hell no!" he growls.
"This is what you don't understand, Jude. You tell me to move on, but to what? So your daughter can grow up in a family who thinks her father is a rapist, and her mother is crazy? I can't do this. Marney... Marney is all I have."
I hear muffled voices in the background. "Shit, I have to go. You did what you needed to do. I'm proud of you, doll."
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to commit his voice to memory. "I love you," I whisper through my tightening throat.
"Fuck, Tor..." he trails off, and my heart drops to my stomach. "You know I fucking love you, don't ever question that." And the line cuts off.
I clench the phone in my hand. He's right, I should move on, I should let him go, because this right here, hurts so much. Marney's hand squeezes my shoulder. "It'll be okay, sweetheart," Marney tries to assure me, and I really want to believe him.