She's out. And the longer I stare at her, the more helpless I feel. I'm about to lose my shit in here; I can't be fucking still. I keep getting up and down and pacing the room. Some nurses quietly come, eyeing me as they change out her IV, and I excuse myself, pulling my cigarettes from my pocket as I make my way down the white hallway.
The glass doors slide open. The sudden breeze causes my skin to prickle. I flick the lighter, pull the first drag deep into my lungs and wait for a small piece of this tension to undo itself. I lean against the brick exterior, and I draw in puff after puff. I close my eyes to shut the world out, and as soon as I do, all I can see is her. All I can see is how fucked up she has become because of me. I never asked for her. I never wanted her thrown into my life but... one day she just was, and once she was there I had no control over what happened. I never in a million-fucking-years intended to love her, but fate is a motherfucking sadistic bitch. I watched her fucking break against my will... I watched her morph into something she didn't deserve to become. She tore into those empty, dark crevices of mine no one should venture into. Tor made me fucking feel. She reminded me there was more to life than murder and money and revenge.
My phone dings, and I open my eyes, taking a long drag from the cigarette. I glance at the screen, and find a missed text from an unknown number. It's obviously Joe. I know I shouldn't read it, but I tap the screen, blowing out a steady stream of smoke as I read over the words: I let you find her. I left her like that just for you. I'll be coming for you soon, but until then... I see an attachment and open it.
The blurry video slowly comes into focus. I see Tor laid on a desk, covered in blood with her clothes ripped. Someone shoves Caleb in front of her, and my entire body sinks.
"You will fuck her, and I'm going to film it. I'm going to send it to Jude," Joe's voice rattles over the speaker, and my blood heats.
I should look away, but I can't. For some fucking reason, I can't. I watch in horror as Caleb refuses to rape her. I watch Tor press the gun to her forehead daring Joe to shoot her.
"Do it," she says, her voice weak. She looks like she barely has the strength to sit up, but there's determination in her words that damn near fucking breaks me.
Joe smiles at her, and then, without warning he turns and puts a bullet between Caleb's eyes. I shut my eyes, blowing out quick breaths to numb the pain threatening to overtake me. The sound of that gunshot echoes in my ears, and Tors screams. I can't breathe. I sit down on the pavement. My eyes lock on the screen, staring at the frozen image of Joe's twisted smile.
Waves of anger and grief pound over me. My entire body shakes as I dial David's number and place the phone to my ear. After three rings, David picks up. "Hello?"
"You find him!" I growl. "You find that sick son-of-a-bitch!"
"Jude, you gotta back down a little or you're gonna get arrested before you find him!"
"He killed Caleb.”
“I know. I’m sorry, JP.”
“You find him, David. You fucking find him!" I hang up the phone, clenching my fist around it.
I will find Joe, and I will kill him in a way that the devil himself would find ruthless and unjust.
I finish my cigarette and slip back into Tor's room. It's dark except for the dim lamp at the side of the bed. As I approach her, the shadows play over her bruised cheeks. Her dark hair is fanned out on the pillow. I brush a stray lock of hair away from her face, and the soft strands slip through my fingers. I drag my hands through my hair, pacing beside the bed before taking a seat in the bedside chair. I sit here and just stare at her. I'm not exactly sure what we do now. This is all a game to Joe, and right now, I'm losing. He's not going to stop. He's going to keep coming for me, and once again, she's in the line of fire because I love her. And he damn well knows it. I take Tor's small hand in mine and press my lips to her knuckles.
I never want to leave her side again. All I want is for her to be happy and safe, but now she's as far from those two things as she can be. And nothing can change that.
Earlier today, Tor said she wanted out of the hospital. She said it was too much for her to handle. When I told her no, she pitched a fit and ripped the IV out before storming out of the room yelling for a doctor. They were hesitant to let her leave, but well, she’s fucking persistent. She was given a prescription for antibiotics, and we left.
I glance over to the passenger seat, and Tor's already out. She fades in and out of sleep for the duration of the three-hour drive. There's so much I want to say to her, but I don't, because honestly, as fragile as she is right now, I'm afraid to. Hell, I fear I'm on the brink of a mental breakdown, I can only imagine the shit she is feeling. She startles awake when the tires bump over a dip in the pavement.
"It's okay, doll," I say, reaching over to gently pat her leg as I put the car in park.
I quickly make my way to the passenger side door, opening it to help her out. She pauses and stares up at the house. This is the house where everything in her life went to hell, and now it's the only home she has. I just wonder if that's what she's thinking right now.
I step forward, but she remains frozen to the spot. "Tor?"
She wraps her arms around her shoulders and shakes her head. "He knows," she says quietly, her eyes vacant. "He's coming for me. He knows."
"What are you talking about, Tor?"
She's rambling. She sounds crazy, and I worry maybe she's finally lost the last bit of sanity she had.
"He knows where to find me," she whispers.
I gently turn her to face me as I lean down eye level with her. She's staring straight through me.
"Joe knows where my house is?" I ask. All she does is nod. Inhaling, I glance around the woods surrounding the house as I bring her body into mine, wrapping my arms around her reassuringly. "I swear to God, I won't let anything happen to you. I have guards. Joe’s not stupid enough to set foot on my property."
"He's going to kill you," she breathes, her expression blank.
I rub my hand down her spine and rest my chin on top of her head. "No, he won't. Come on. Just a few days, and I promise we'll leave. I just have to get a few things in place, doll."
She hesitates before she slowly moves her feet. We make our way up the stairs in silence. I open the door and Marney's sitting in the recliner watching the television. He glances over at us, frowning when he glances at Tor. He gets up and comes to stand next to us, putting an arm around her. She throws her arms around his broad waist, shocking the shit out of me.
He hugs her, his eyes welling up. "We'll take care of you little darlin’." His eyes fix on mine. "We'll take care of her."
I guide Tor through the house, and when we walk past Caleb's room, I feel her body tense. I purposefully keep my eyes trained ahead of me. I refuse to let my mind go there. I cannot drown in this shitty feeling trying to swallow me because I can't take care of her if I do. I inhale, telling myself I have to live in denial that Caleb is actually gone. Denial is the only way I can manage this.
The door to my bedroom creaks open, and she slowly walks in, stopping beside the bed. I know I should say something to her, but what the fuck do I say? Every-fucking-thing has been taken from her. And the thing that terrifies me the most is that I know what happens when everything has been ripped from you. I know what the violence bleeding through this world does to even the strongest of people. It makes you numb; it breeds hate, and it makes you a fucking monster.
She walks over to the picture of my mother and sister and stares at it.
For the first time since I lost them fifteen years ago, I'm thankful Joe killed them. It was actually an act of mercy because had he not, they would be in the same place Tor is right now. One look at her eyes tells me she's in a place worse than hell. She's hurting, and I want to take the pain away from her. I want to blot out every horrible thing that has happened to her. I would be a fucking martyr for this woman if I could.
"I'm sorry," I say, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
She flinches, her breath catching as her eyes dart up to me. I feel my throat tighten. Sorry doesn't touch on how I feel, and that word can do nothing. It's just a word, but it's the only word I can think to say to her. My mind is so fucking jumbled.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to find you," I whisper. "I tried. The second Joe called me I started looking." I inhale. "I feel like I failed you."
I want to scream. I want to punch something, but I can't.
She remains silent. Her finger slowly traces over the picture; then she turns to face me. "I understand now," she whispers.
"Understand what?"
Her empty eyes meet mine. "You," she says.
Fuck. Her comment stabs me. I don't want her to be able to understand any of this. Her heart is beating, but inside, she's dead and gone. I can't recall how many times I've washed blood from my hands without the slightest twinge of guilt, without the tiniest thought that I did something wrong. What has happened to Tor forces a wave of guilt over me that nearly knocks me to the ground. I wish she would cry, or blame me, anything because I can't deal with this emotionless state of nothingness.
"I don't know how to help you..." I murmur as I cautiously step toward her.
"You can't help me. No one can," she says beneath her breath.
I tenderly take her hand, pulling her against me. She stiffens briefly, and I freeze. "Tor," I say quietly, "I would never hurt you." I swallow because I'm not sure she can believe me.
I'm so mixed with emotions, always swinging between rage, guilt, and grief; so I just focus on her. I focus on how she feels in my arms, on the fact that I have to keep everything together to protect her because she is all I have left now that Caleb is gone.
I run my hand along her side. She's grown so thin I can feel every fucking rib. She pulls away from me, and without a word, climbs onto the bed. She lays on her side and draws her knees to her chest.
She looks so fucking small and weak, and it breaks my fucking heart. This is all that's left, a shell of the person she once was. Joe has murdered my family. He killed my brother and left him in that room to rot with Tor. He kept Tor alive for the mere fact that he knew watching her like this would be the cruelest form of punishment he could ever inflict on me. Watching someone you love suffer is worse than burying them, especially when you know there's no way to mend them.
All I can hear are my heavy breaths. It's so dark. No lights anywhere. How did he take her from my own damn bed? "Tor?" I scream so loudly my voice breaks. I run down the empty hallway, the soles of my bare feet slapping over the cold concrete. "Tor?"
My heart is beating up into my throat, and then, a light flips on. Joe has her and Caleb. He's only about ten feet in front of me. I go to run, but I can barely move. I'm moving so slow it’s like there's a weight pressing against me. Joe's sinister laugh echoes through my ears and my skin crawls. "Not good enough to save them, huh, boy?"
I watch as Joe pulls a gun and aims it at Caleb's head.
"No!" I shout, trying to reach him. A loud pop rings out, and Caleb crumples to the floor. Tor screams. Joe laughs. I feel so weak, my entire body is as heavy as lead. Joe approaches me, and I draw my fist back to swing at him, but the blow barely taps against his cheek.
"Weak. You. Are. Weak!" he snarls.
My eyes pulse open, and I sit up in the bed before jumping to my feet. Adrenaline is flooding my body, setting my skin on fire, and sending my racing heart into overdrive. I pant, attempting to catch my breath as I gain my bearings. A small sliver of light is coming through the window, and I make out Tor lying asleep in the center of the bed. I walk to the bathroom and brace my arms against the edge of the sink. I turn the faucet and splash some cold water on my face, and then stare at my reflection. I can see my pulse thumping through my jugular and temples. It's not enough that he plagues my every waking thought, he's taken over my subconscious as well. Joe Campbell is the only man I've ever feared, and in order to make this stop, I have to kill him.
I've been awake since two A.M. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I saw Caleb's face. I can't do that. I can't go there.
I've walked around in a fog, not even sure what I've done today aside from sitting and watching Tor sleep, trying to force her to eat whenever she wakes up. Marney has been getting things ready for Caleb's burial because, well, I just can't. I lay down next to Tor, skimming my hands over her arm.
"He killed Caleb because he wouldn't rape me," she whispers.
I swallow and nod my head. "It's okay Tor."
I sit there for well over an hour holding her as I silently think about what I could have done to have things end differently. There's a soft knock on the door as Marney pushes it open. "We're ready, Jude."
The sun is slowly setting, the orange hues barely visible through the thick trees. I grab the handle of the coffin and stare straight ahead. Marney's hand comes to rest on my shoulder before he takes the handle behind me. "He was a good kid," Marney says solemnly. "A real good kid." I can hear him fighting back the tears.
Rich and Paul take the other side of the casket and lift it from the ground. It's so fucking light. He was only a kid. The fact that my little brother's body is inside this box now resting on my shoulder causes my chest to tighten and burn. This fucking hurts. This right here makes it all too real. Caleb is gone, and I can't deny it any longer. For a moment, my knees threaten to buckle from the reality that is all too quickly setting in.
I train my eyes ahead of me and find Tor standing by a pile of red dirt, staring vacantly into the hole. A light breeze picks up, blowing her hair in front of her face. She doesn't bother to brush it away.
We set the coffin on the grave. Marney steps to the side, shaking his head. We all stand around the grave in silence. I should say something, but what? Caleb is dead, not one fucking thing I say will change that. Silence is all I can manage. I keep telling myself this is not real; this is not my life. I don't want this life anymore. I'm so goddamn tired of each day being a fight, of always being on guard, I never felt like this before her. If I could take all this away and just have her...
"He's with his pops now." Marney chokes a little and reaches for his cigarettes. "We'll make this right, Caleb. I promise you and your pops we will." He lights the cigarette, his eyes watering as he turns his back to us, and stares off into the woods.
I close my eyes, and that video plays out in my head, the expression on Caleb's face when Joe shot him, the way his body jerked when the bullet went through his skull. My fists clench, and I bite down on my bottom lip. I don't look over, I grab Tor's hand and pull her to my side. I'm numb as I watch the first shovel full of dirt rain down on top of the metal casket, followed by the next. It seems so wrong to place him in the ground like this, but we have no other choice.
A pitiful sob breaks from Tor and her fingers dig into my arms, her body trembling. I want to block out the sound of the dirt hitting the casket, but I can't. I hang my head and I fucking cry. No man can manage this feeling, even the hardest of men have their breaking points, and this is mine. I rest my chin on the top of Tor's head, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.
I'm done. There is no point in fighting. My father chased Joe until he died. My goal in life has been to murder that son-of-a-bitch, and all it's done is cost me every last thing I care for. Joe Campbell is death and destruction, and I am no longer willing to take that gamble. I give up. I will let him win. This is fucking over. Haunt my dreams all he wants, I won't let him take another fucking thing from me.