"Ria."
It's dark and I can't see anything, but I know that smell. Mildew mixed with the faint scent of blood. I'm on my hands and knees, desperately trying to find my bearings. My fingers run over the smooth stone floor, as familiar to me as my own skin. My prison, my own personal hell.
"Ria. Where are you?" Caleb, that's Caleb's voice.
"I'm here." A small cry falls from my lips.
I hear his whispered footsteps, and then a gentle hand on my arm. He pulls me to my feet. I can feel the heat from his body, as though he were a furnace in the dead of winter. He takes my hand and pulls me. "Follow me."
I follow him blindly. I would follow him anywhere. I keep walking until a soft light starts to surround us. It's like the sun slowly rising, painting everything in shades of grey. I study Caleb's face, and a tear tracks down my cheek.
"I miss you," I tell him.
That brilliant smile of his makes its way across his face, but he says nothing. He leans forward and presses his lips into my forehead. He steps back, and I meet his eyes. A loud bang reverberates off the walls, disrupting the silence and making my ears ring. A tiny dot appears between his eyes. The smile disappears from his face as the circle spreads outward becoming a small red patch. Blood pours down his face, running off his chin and soaking through his shirt. I scream and reach for him. My fingers clench at his shirt, and he sinks to his knees, his eyes wide.
"Caleb!" I shout, my vocal chords straining with the effort.
I feel firm hands on my shoulders pulling me backwards, away from Caleb. All I can do is scream his name.
I'm torn from the dream screaming and gasping for breath as sweat slicks my entire body. I sit up holding my chest against the festering pain that feels like it's ripping my chest wide open. All I can see is Caleb's face, and a broken sob tears from my throat in response. God, I miss him.
"Tor," Jude's low voice rumbles in my ear. He leans over me, sweeping his finger along my hairline. "It's okay. I'm sorry." He touches his lips lightly to my forehead and the scent of him, heavily laced with whiskey, wraps around me.
I can't talk. It hurts too much. I've never had this dream. My nightmares usually feature Joe, but this one. It's bittersweet because I saw Caleb, but then I had to watch him die all over again. Tears of sheer anguish stream down my face.
Jude drags me against his chest, wrapping his thick arms around me. His hand moves in circles over my back, his other palm pressed against my cheek as though he's trying to shelter me from the world. His heart beats strong and steady under my ear, and I close my eyes, using the rhythmic beat of it to calm my erratic breaths.
"I am sorry, doll," he whispers.
"What for?"
He drags his free hand over his face and takes a deep breath, his chest expanding under my cheek. "Fuck, Tor. For every-fucking-thing."
There's a moment of silence where all I can hear are our mingled breaths. He smells like he drank half a distillery, and his movements are slow. He's drunk. I feel him press his lips into my hair and his hand brushes across my stomach. I tense for a second because I still don't know how to feel about it. I don't know what terrifies me more, being pregnant, or Jude knowing I'm pregnant.
"Just go to sleep, doll. You need to sleep." He shifts me and lays down, before pulling me onto his chest. I don't fight him. I feel like Jude is the only thing holding me here, in one piece, and the second I move from his arms I'll disintegrate.
He clicks the lamp off and drags his fingers through my hair slowly.
"I miss him," I whisper into the darkness of the room.
He swallows. "I know." Moments pass and then I feel his chest rise from the deep breath he takes. "When were you gonna tell me about the baby, Tor?" He sounds so dejected.
"I'm sorry," I breathe. And I am. I should have told him. "I was scared," I admit in a broken whisper. "I still am."
"You still should've told me. I mean, hell, it's my kid too." I feel his chin brush against the top of my head.
"I thought you would either run for the hills or do this macho shit."
"Run for the hills, huh?" He laughs. "Not a fucking chance. I would never leave you, and I sure as shit would never leave my own kid." He sighs. "I would never leave you, Tor." He gently kisses my forehead. "I love you."
My heart skips a beat. I know he's drunk, but I also know he's telling the truth. I know Jude, I love him, I trust him, but he always seems like such an anomaly. I know I have him, but I never trust that I can truly keep hold of him. He always seems like sand, slipping through my fingers, no matter how hard I try to hold on. His words bring me relief that I didn't know I needed. They give me the strength to dare to want this with him. I twist my face to look up at him. His eyes shimmer in the darkness. He looks at me like I'm his world, and I have to swallow around the lump in my throat. I always thought that Jude had cost me everything, but somewhere along the way, he became everything.
"I love you," I whisper into the darkness. He pulls me closer to him, and I throw one leg over his muscular thigh. His hand moves from my stomach to my thigh, grasping it.
"Good." He smirks." So you'll take my macho shit."
I sigh. He can't be like this, and honestly, this is the reason I didn't tell him. This is what now terrifies me.
He grabs my chin, tilting my head back to look at him. "What's wrong?"
I narrow my eyes at him and take a deep breath. This is going to be a fight. "Jude, I need you to let me kill Joe. I need you to promise you won't try and put me on the bench with this."
"You've lost your fucking mind, woman."
I sigh and fix my gaze on his chest, steeling myself. "This isn't up for discussion, Jude. I told you I was going after him and you agreed to help me. End of."
He groans. "Oh, it will be up for discussion. But you want to know what's not up for discussion? That you are gonna go to the doctor."
I scowl, because what the hell? It will be up for discussion? Jesus, where's the angry, controlling arsehole I have impregnated myself with disappeared to? I swear to God, if he's tiptoeing around me already... "It's unnecessary."
I sigh. "It’s unnecessary."
"Please." He brushes a kiss across my lips. "Just let me fucking take care of you and this baby."
There's no point in arguing with him. I'll let him do his alpha male thing if it makes him feel better. "Fine, but I'm not going every month."
"So stubborn," he mumbles and angles his head to kiss me again. His lips are soft yet demanding as his hand wraps around the back of my neck, holding me there. I moan as Jude's tongue teases along my bottom lip.
I want him. I always want him, but right now, I feel connected to him on an entirely new level. It's as though I physically need his touch. My fingers rake across the smooth skin of his chest as I drag myself up the bed, trying to get closer to him. I move until I'm straddling his body, his fingers gripping my hips to steady me. The hot skin of his sides presses against my bare thighs, making me tremble. His hands drift over my waist as his tongue brushes mine, his fingers tracing the strip of exposed skin at my back. My breath comes in ragged bursts, my skin breaking into goose bumps under his gentle touch.
I nip at his lip and feel his cock hardening, pressing against me.
He makes a pained sound in the back of his throat and gently pushes me away, holding me by my shoulders. "Tor." His voice is raspy and sex laced. I bite my lip as my eyes lock with his. I can see the want written all over his face. "Fuck, I..." his eyes trail down to my stomach.
I scowl at him. "I swear to God, Jude..."
He shakes his head. “You’re pregnant..."
He cannot be serious? "Yes, I remember," I growl.
I grab his chin, forcing my lips to his. He kisses me back, but it's hesitant, careful. I rip my lips away from his and I lose it. Before I can even stop myself, I slap him. Hard. His head snaps to the side, the noise reverberating around the room. I'm going to blame hormones and sexual frustration.
His eyes widen, and I notice his jaw tick. He takes several deep breaths, his fingers digging into my hips. "Watch it," he growls.
"Or what?" I whisper, narrowing my eyes. Daring him.
"Don't fucking make me lose my shit. You know my buttons, don't fucking press them."
That's exactly what I'm trying to do. My blood hammers through my veins, and all I can hear is my own pulse in my ears. Fear. Adrenaline. Lust. It's a heady mix.
"Fuck me, and I won't have to push your buttons." I cock an eyebrow at him as he glares back at me. I take the hem of my t-shirt and slowly lift it up my body, exposing myself to him inch by inch. A tortured groan leaves his lips, and I smile. He may act angry, but his cock is like iron pressed against my pussy. He's turned on, even if he won't admit it, and it makes me brave, stupidly so.
Tossing my shirt onto the floor, I lean forward and kiss him again as I trace my tongue across his bottom lip, before biting him gently. My hands creep up his chest and wrap around his throat. He growls against my lips as my fingers tighten. He grabs my hair, fisting it as he throws me down on the bed on my back and pins me underneath his massive frame. My hands fall away from him, and he takes them, pinning both my wrists with one hand and pulling them above my head.
He cocks an eyebrow at me and lowers his face, his lips barely brushing against mine. "Woman, I will say this one fucking time, that is the only time you will ever put your hands around my throat." His voice is guttural and strained as it rumbles over me.
He grabs my underwear and tears them from me, making me gasp. He roughly drags one finger over my pussy, pushing inside me. "You want me to fuck you?" He pushes his boxers down and holds his cock against me. "What do you have to do if you want me to fuck you, huh?"
I bite my lip as violent tremors wrack my body. I tilt my hips up, desperately seeking more pressure, more friction, just more.
He laughs. "Come on, Tor. Be a good girl and beg me for it."
"I fucking hate you," I snap, but it's lost on a breathy moan as he brushes his thumb against my clit. I feel like I'm on fire.
"Really?" He pushes two fingers deep inside me, and my entire body thrashes against him. "This right here feels like you really fucking hate me." He pulls his fingers out, and one by one slips them into his mouth, sucking me off of them. Oh, my God. I think my ovary just imploded. A slow smirk makes its way over his face. Bastard knows exactly what he's doing.
He lowers his face until his lips are at my ear. "Beg. Me." His teeth nip at my earlobe. Damn him, and his sexy as fuck voice and face and body.
"Fuck me!" I practically scream at him.
"Mmm, that's not begging," he whispers in my ear, his hands groping at my full breasts as he grinds his cock against my pussy.
"Please," I breathe. I don't know why I ever fight him or deny him. I always bloody beg him in the end, and he's well aware of it. Arsehole.
His cock pushes against me, teasing. "You fucking hit me, and then you choke me. And fuck me if my cock isn't rock hard," he growls. "That is the only fucking reason I'm fucking you right now, Tor."
I open my mouth to respond, but he slides inside me, and I groan loudly, shamelessly. He braces his arms on either side of my head as he holds his himself above me. His jaw clenches, the muscles of his neck straining. Every muscle in his body pops from the tension, and the visual is almost too much. I drag my nails over his abs, feeling every bump and valley, watching them tighten and flex as he pulls out and thrusts back into me.
His hands glide over my skin, tracing my curves. His lips drop to my chest, and his teeth skim my nipple. "For fucks sake! How tight is your damn pussy?" he groans, driving harder into me. He feels so good, so right. I toss my head back against the pillow, pushing my chest into his face.
Jude grabs my leg, lifting it and placing it on his shoulder. He slides deeper inside of me, throwing his head back on a growl. His fingers dig into my hips, and his eyes lock with mine again as he presses his lips into my ankle and drags his teeth along my calf.
I'm trembling, my body on the verge of exploding. His hand moves between my legs, and he pinches my clit as he grinds against me. Everything tightens as my entire body feels like it detonates. He fucks me until I'm flinching away from him, my over sensitized pussy unable to take any more, and then he lets out a primitive roar as he stiffens above me. I watch every one of Jude's muscle pop, his face twisting in tension before falling slack. He's beautiful. I love watching him come apart and lose control. I love that I can do that to him because he's Jude Pearson, and he's the embodiment of controlled power.
He falls forward against my chest, his hot breaths blowing against my skin. My chest is heaving from the force of that orgasm. If there's one thing Jude does well, it's fuck.
"Shit." He lifts himself off of me, his eyes tracing over my stomach frantically. He gently skims his hands over the small bump. "Shit... did I hurt you?" He's still staring at my stomach, and I cover a smile because it actually looks like he's asking the bump.
His eyes flick to mine, a small frown marring his features. I can't help but smile. He's so cute. I reach out and smooth the frown lines, tracing my fingers over the stubble of his jaw. "No, Jude. You didn't hurt me." I push up and place my lips to his in a lingering kiss.
His hand cups my cheek as he groans against my mouth. "This is going to kill me," he grumbles. "You two are going to fucking kill me." He sighs as he rolls away and lays on his back on the bed. "Shit." He drags his hand down his face, and I try not to smile.