"The prosecution calls to the stand, Victoria Devaux," a cold voice rings out.
I can't breathe. I can't do this. My sister squeezes my hand, reassuring me that the monster who took me can't touch me again. She knows nothing. I miss him. My very soul aches for him. This is akin to someone dying, only to discover that they are suddenly alive, and now you have to put a bullet in their head. I can't, but I must.
I rise, my legs shaking violently. I feel the weight of the stares from the jury as I make my way to the witness stand. I feel their barely concealed shock as they look at the pregnant woman, the pregnant woman who can only possibly have conceived during her time in captivity, as a hostage. I feel their horror and their pity in the tense silence of the courtroom.
I take a seat, and then, for the first time in weeks, I see Jude's face. I barely recognise him. His face is more drawn, and covered in a thick beard. My fingernails dig into the palms of my hands as my mind races through all the awful things that might have happened to him in that place. I always told myself no one would fuck with Jude, but in a place full of killers who is to say Jude is the worst?
He looks different, but his eyes, his eyes are the same, that deep shade of green that always makes my heart race. His eyes convey everything he cannot say to me. I love you.
A court clerk moves to the stand, holding a Bible up in front of me. I place my right hand on it, my eyes never leaving Jude. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?"
No. "Yes," I whisper, my voice breaking. Tears prickle my eyes because I feel like my heart is being ripped out.
My attention is pulled from Jude as the door to the courtroom quietly opens and two figures step inside, taking a seat at the back. It's Detective Lowe and another agent. Her eyes fix on me, a small smile pulling at her lips. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate this woman. I am only doing this because Jude asked me to, not because of her. I'm doing this for my baby. I'm about to drive a wedge between Jude and myself that is so big, I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself. The prosecution lawyer gets up and comes to stand in front of me. "Miss Devaux, do you know this man?" She points to Jude, and I narrow my eyes at her.
"Yes," I say through clenched teeth.
"Can you please tell the court your relationship with this man?" she asks.
I take a steadying breath, squeezing my eyes shut. "He... he is the man who held me hostage." My voice is strangled, as though the very denial of what he is to me is impossible to verbalise. Jude's eyes meet mine, a reassuring smile on his face. He ever so slightly in a nods his head.
"And can you tell the court how you came to be Mr. Pearson's hostage?"
"My boyfriend owed him a debt, and when he couldn't pay it, he offered me to one of Jude's staff as collateral," I say without any emotion.
"So you were brought to his house, and then, what happened to you?" She studies me intently.
I glance at Jude and his eyes are fixed on the table in front of him.
"I... I was held there for several days. I lived with him and his brother. Euan never paid the money."
She presses her lips together. "How were you treated while you were held captive? Did Mr. Pearson provide food for you? Reasonable living conditions?"
"Fine. I was treated well," I say quickly. I can feel Lowe's eyes burning a hole in me, but I don't look at her.
"When the prison physician inspected you upon your initial arrest, he reported several concerning injuries, inflicted during your time as a hostage." She points to the screen behind me. I turn and see the photograph of my torso, covered in scars. I quickly spin back around to face the front of the courtroom again.
"That wasn't him," I say, ashamed of the fact that this entire room of people have seen the scars I never allow anyone to see, except Jude. I stare straight at him, and he holds my gaze, a soft smile on his lips. "It wasn't him." God, this is so hard.
"But it happened under his supervision, did it not?" "It..." I pause.
I know what I'm supposed to say, what Jude wants me to say. "It happened whilst he held me hostage, yes," I whisper.
"So, you would agree then, that you were not treated 'well'," she adds, and without missing a beat goes on to her next question. "Did you witness the dealings within Mr. Pearson's house while you were there?"
"No, I never saw any of that." It's true really. Jude never brought business home. I never saw that side of his life, unless I asked. I never saw it until I was no longer a hostage.
I know I've slipped when she smiles. "Any of that? So you knew what he did for a living?"
"I was taken hostage for a gambling debt." I point out.
"Do you know who Joe Campbell is, Miss Devaux?" My stomach bottoms out and bile rises in my throat. The thought of that man makes me sick, and I press my hand to my stomach.
I can hear Jude breathing from across the room. When I glance over at him, his jaw is ticking, the muscles of his neck strained.
"I do," I whisper.
"How do you know him?"
I glare at her. "He kidnapped me." My jaw clenches so hard my teeth hurt.
Her expression remains blank. "So Joe Campbell kidnapped you from your kidnapper?"
My eyes lock with Jude's. I know I should just say yes, but the way she says it implies that Jude and Joe are the same, as though what Jude did was as bad as Joe. I can't. I can't say those words.
"I..." I hesitate, and her face falls blank for a moment. There's a hum of noise from the people inside the courtroom. "I escaped. I was getting on a flight back to England when Joe found me and took me."
She's still standing there with her lips slightly parted. She doesn't ask me any more questions about the kidnapping situation. Instead, it gets worse.
"Can you please talk us through the events of the night of April 13th, 2015?"
I bite my bottom lip. This is the hard part, the part where I must throw Jude under the bus to save myself, and our child. This is the single hardest thing I've ever done.
"Joe... Joe hurt me, and he killed Caleb," I start.
"Caleb Pearson?" she asks.
I nod. "Yes." A fissure of pain ripples across my chest as my mind replays Caleb falling to his knees, a bullet-hole between his eyes. "He killed him, and so Jude..." Fuck, do I just say it? I meet his eyes again, and he nods, urging me to say it. "Jude killed Joe." There's a beat of silence in which I swear I just heard my heart break, like the loud bang of a crack ripping it's way across a pane of glass. A low bustle of noise makes its way around the courtroom. I glance at Lowe, and a smug smile twists her lips.
"You were witness to this murder?" she pushes.
"Yes."
"I present to the Jury, evidence taken from the murder scene of Joe Campbell." The screen at the back of the room flickers again, and an image of Joe's mangled face comes into view. One of the jurors wretches. I can hear the clicking noise as the projector shows different images, displaying the evidence.
"Jude Pearson, coated in the deceased's blood, was arrested exiting the murder scene, gun in hand. The body was still warm. I ask the members of the jury to see the irrefutable evidence of Jude Pearson's guilt. This is overkill."
This woman has no idea. She thinks she is doing her job, locking up a monster, but I'm the one who pulled the trigger, and Joe was the monster that needed putting down. "He... he was a rapist, a murderer!" I shout at the jury. Tears spill down my cheeks at the injustice of it all.
Jude clears his throat, and I know he's trying to get my attention. I glance up at him, and he's pleading with his eyes for me to stop. I know I'm not supposed to defend him, but I can't... they need to know why.
The lawyer steps toward the stand. "Ms. Devaux..."
"That's enough!" Jude screams. "I fucking killed him, and I would do it again if I could. For her. I would do it every-fucking-day for the rest of my life if it would take away anything that bastard did to her. Do you hear me? I'm not fucking sorry!"
The judge frowns. "Sit down Mr. Pearson, or I'll hold you in contempt of court!" the judge booms.
There's a beat of silence as the courtroom settles again. The solicitor's eyes flick to my stomach. "Can you tell me who the father of your unborn child is, Ms. Devaux?"
I glance down at the bump, the only thing I have left of Jude. "That's not relevant," I say, panicked.
The judge sighs. "Miss Devaux, please answer the question." They want to defame his character, make him out to be the rapist, the murderer, and they want me to be the one to sway the jury. I can't lie, because a simple DNA test would prove I lied, and if I say he's the father, I will have to say... I glance at Lowe, who gives me a small nod, and then at Jude whose eyes are soft.
"Jude," I breathe, as tears slip down my cheek.
"And how did you become pregnant, Miss Devaux?"
"I..." My lungs seize, and my nails bite into the skin of my palms. My pulse pounds in my ears, my vision narrowing. I focus on Jude, on the look in his eyes that says he loves me. I love him, how can he expect me to say this?
"I'll rephrase. Did Mr. Pearson force himself on you, Miss Devaux?"
There's a heavy silence in the room. Jude flashes me a sad smile and gives me a small nod. I close my eyes as the pounding bass of my own pulse drowns out everything else until I feel like I'm under water.
"Yes," I whisper through my tightening throat, as tears stream freely down my face. Whatever Jude and I had, I just took a match to it and burned it to ash with one word.
No one makes a sound, and I can practically feel their pity.
"I have no further questions, your Honor," she says, giving me one last sympathetic glance.
An officer guides me from the stand, leading me back to my place next to my sister. I can feel Jude's eyes on me, but I can't look at him. I just betrayed him, and even though he asked me to,
I can't live with myself right now.
My sister is crying, and John's arm is around her shoulders. I take my seat, my body tense.
Lizzy reaches for me. "Oh, God, Victoria." She wraps her arms around me, but I think it's more for herself than me.
She's shaking her head, leaning on her husband, breaking down because she thinks her baby sister got raped and knocked up by a murderer. I love her, but she will never understand this. She can't possibly understand the depth of my love for Jude, and I would never tell her. There are some things that bond two people irrevocably. Jude and I have been to hell and back. We have suffered loss and pain, the kind of pain that destroys you until all you have left is each other.
People say their loved one is the other half of them. Jude is the other half of my heart, both of us too broken to have an entire soul left. We're two halves making up a whole. And I need him like I need air to breathe.
Ours is a story of loss and suffering, of a love so fucked up it should be impossible, but despite all the odds, I really thought we would get our happily ever after. If I think about it though, we were always destined to destroy one another. I just never thought it would be me who destroyed him.