‘Do you ever see things in the ceiling?’ Liane asked. ‘Like shadows and cracks and stuff?’
‘Sometimes,’ Issey said.
They were both in Issey’s bed again. Issey had been about to go to sleep – or at least to read some Bang! fanfic, have a wank, and go to sleep – when Liane had come in and just clambered under the duvet like it was her room too. Not that Issey minded. At all.
‘In my room, if a car goes down the street with the lights on, I get little light shapes on the ceiling,’ Liane said. ‘I like it.’
‘Once I saw a light darting around on my wall,’ Issey said. ‘And I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. It was a reflection from my phone. I was watching it like a kitten. Dickhead.’
Liane laughed. ‘Turn the fairy lights off.’
Issey rolled over and reached down the side of the bed to click off the switch on the extension cord. Her room was completely dark – she had lined curtains, so once the lights were off that was it.
‘So dark,’ Liane said. ‘I can’t even see my hand.’
‘My room was like this when I was little,’ Issey said. ‘I used to wake up in the night and I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or not. And then I’d start to worry I was trapped or dead.’
Liane laughed. ‘I used to tell myself I’d been kidnapped and I was on, like, a tanker or something. And that once it was light I’d see that I wasn’t in my room at all, but in the middle of the ocean.’
‘I used to pretend I’d teleported. I would wake up in New York or Paris or somewhere. I used to lie there and plan the things I’d do for the day. First I’d get breakfast and then I’d go to the Empire State Building … And then it’d be morning and I’d have to just get up and go to school.’
‘Rubbish,’ Liane said. ‘I always wanted to just go to the airport and get on the first plane, no matter where it was going. Have an adventure.’
‘Me too,’ Issey said. ‘Or stick a pin in a map.’
‘Yeah,’ Liane said. She’d moved without Issey realising – her voice was closer.
‘Iz?’
‘Yeah?’ Issey put her hand on her own chest. She could feel her heart racing.
‘Can I ask you something?’
Issey nodded, before realising Liane couldn’t see her. ‘Course,’ she managed to squeak out.
‘Have you ever kissed a girl?’
Issey’s heart was thumping so loudly that she was sure Liane would be able to hear it.
‘No,’ she whispered. ‘Have you?’
‘No. But …’ Liane shifted on the bed. ‘I’ve been thinking about it. Lately. I don’t know if it’s just cos of living with Paige … I was thinking that … You know when you’re with a guy? Are you, like, always thinking about him? Like his body or whatever? Cos when I’m with a guy, I … I can’t believe I’m telling you this. It’s good and everything. I like it. And I get turned on. But then when I want to actually … you know? Get off? I think about girls. When I’m on my own too. I mean … is that normal?’
Issey’s mouth was so dry she wasn’t sure she’d be able to speak. She licked her lips, but she still heard her mouth make a clicking sound. ‘I think that’s normal, yeah. I mean, I think anything’s normal really. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not straight? But maybe you’re not. And that’s OK too. Yeah?’
‘Yeah. I know that. I just … I don’t know if it’s, like, fantasy or if it’s something I really want to try.’
‘Right,’ Issey said. ‘Yeah. I get that.’
‘I haven’t told you about Zack, have I?’ It wasn’t really a question; Liane knew she hadn’t.
‘Not really,’ Issey said. ‘Only that he was your friend and he died.’
Liane sighed. ‘We were really close for a while. And then he was out with some friends and they got into a fight with this group of guys. It wasn’t about anything big, I think they said they’d pushed into the taxi queue or something? It was just shouting, I think. And then one of them pushed Zack and he fell and hit his head on the kerb and that was it. Died instantly.’
‘Oh my god,’ Issey said, reaching out and wrapping her fingers around Liane’s wrist before she even had time to think about it and stop herself. ‘That’s awful. I’m so sorry.’
‘Yeah. It was … rough. But also … I wasn’t just friends with him. I was friends with his girlfriend too. Emily. And I thought I was in love with him. But … I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe it was more …’
‘Her?’
‘Yeah,’ Liane said. She couldn’t quite believe she was talking about it. She probably shouldn’t have been.
‘Are you still in touch with her?’
‘No,’ Liane said. ‘And I wouldn’t … I mean, it’s not something I’d ever … I just wonder. You know?’
‘Yeah,’ Issey said, quietly. ‘I know.’