When Paige got back from work she’d sneaked straight into her room, rather than go to the living room and hang out with the others. Another utilities payment was due and Paige still hadn’t paid last month’s. She’d managed to get the first lot to Ella, but that was all. And Ella was being sweet and understanding in her totally Ella way, but Paige felt like shit. And she didn’t know how she was going to be able to catch up.
She’d actually accepted a couple of paid promotions on her Instagram, which she said she’d never do. Particularly since one was fucking tummy tea or something, which made it look like she was trying to lose weight. The whole point of her Instagram was that she was happy with how she looked, but she couldn’t turn it down – they had offered double what anyone else was offering. It still wasn’t enough, though. It had paid for food and a book she needed that the library didn’t have and she couldn’t find used since everyone else had their shit together and had bought it already.
Ella had loaned Paige her laptop so she could do her essay. The essay she’d had to get an extension for, her tutor telling her it was the last time. Her eyes had actually welled with tears when he’d said that and she’d been mortified. He’d been kind and suggested she see a counsellor, the usual shit. But that wasn’t happening. She just needed to organise her time better. Work a bit more, if she could. Sleep a bit less. Then it would all be fine.
After about ten minutes, she stopped and googled the university’s hardship fund. She’d have to remember to clear the history, this was Ella’s laptop after all. There was a form, she had to collect it from Student Services. She could do that. She could do that tomorrow. Her chest felt instantly looser. And then she saw that the deadline for applications was the end of March, presumably since they thought as the term was ending the students wouldn’t need additional funds. Tears stung her eyes again. She had to pay Ella before the end of term. She just had no idea how she was going to do it.
She stretched her arms over her head, hearing the tiny bones in her neck crackling. She was so tired.
‘I hated thinking you were hurt,’ Ella said. She tracked one finger over Nick’s shoulder and down his arm.
He shivered. ‘I was all right. I got hammered.’
Ella laughed. ‘So I was picturing you crying yourself to sleep and you were –’
‘Playing Guitar Hero, yeah.’
Ella kissed his collarbone. ‘Did you win?’
‘Nah. Couldn’t really see the screen through my tears.’
‘Shut up.’ She leaned up and kissed his mouth.
‘I hated it,’ Nick said, against her lips. ‘Hated thinking you were with someone else. Hated thinking I wouldn’t get to be with you again. Do this.’ He ran his hands down her sides until she giggled.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘Me too. I’m sorry.’
‘Let’s never speak of it again!’ he said dramatically, rolling over so he was on top of her. He kissed down the side of her neck. ‘Can you stay?’
‘I probably shouldn’t,’ Ella said. ‘I’ve got an essay –’
‘I can help,’ Nick said, sliding down the bed until his head was resting on her shoulder. ‘I’m good at essays.’
‘That’s what I’m saying!’
‘It’s a microbiology essay.’
‘God, I love having a genius girlfriend. I could help with spelling? Grammar? Paragraph indents?’
Ella laughed, brushing her hand through his hair just because she could. ‘I think I’ve got that covered. But thanks.’
‘Talk it through with me then. Order your thoughts. But I’m warning you, it’s definitely going to get me hot.’
‘Noted,’ Ella said.
Paige was in the kitchen pinching one of Issey’s Jaffa Cakes – Issey never noticed – when Liane came down.
‘Is there vodka?’ she said, yanking open the freezer, barely even glancing at Paige. ‘I need vodka. Want one?’
‘I’ve got coffee,’ Paige said. ‘Got an essay to finish.’
‘God,’ Liane said. ‘I don’t know how you do it.’
Paige laughed. ‘Me neither, to be honest.’
Liane poured herself a generous measure of vodka, topped it up with orange juice, and turned to look at Paige.
‘Do you ever feel like you’re losing your mind?’ she said. ‘Like you literally can’t trust your own thoughts?’
Paige smiled wryly. ‘All the time.’
‘God. I don’t know what I’m doing,’ Liane said. She swigged the vodka. ‘I kissed Issey.’
‘Yeah?’ Paige said, sipping her coffee. ‘Cool.’
Liane laughed. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting Paige to say, but ‘cool’ wasn’t it.
‘But then we haven’t talked about it or anything,’ Liane admitted. ‘I’ve just kind of been pretending it never happened.’
‘Why?’
‘Because …’ Liane frowned. ‘Because I don’t want anything to change. She’s my best friend and I love her. And I don’t want to lose her.’
‘What makes you think you’d lose her, though? Did she kiss you back?’
‘She … yeah.’ Liane hadn’t let herself think much about the kiss. It was too stressful. Too much. But Issey had definitely kissed her back.
‘It was a good kiss?’
Liane nodded. It had definitely been a good kiss. She drank some more vodka.
‘So maybe it wouldn’t ruin everything? Maybe it would be amazing. The two of you together.’
‘Issey’s not gay, though,’ Liane said. She sounded stupid even to herself.
Paige rolled her eyes. ‘She might be bi. She might be pan. She might just be gay for you.’
Liane shook her head. ‘That’s not a thing.’
‘Why not? You kissed her. You liked it. She liked it. What’s the problem?’
‘I always wondered …’ Liane’s voice cracked. ‘Like … in the back of my mind. Not even in the back of my mind, actually. I would think of it and then –’
‘Not let yourself think of it,’ Paige finished. ‘Yeah, I’ve been there.’
‘And I like boys. Men. I like dick.’
‘Me too,’ Paige said and then grinned. ‘Sometimes. In its place.’
Liane laughed, covering her face with both hands. ‘God, this is awful. I don’t know what I’m doing.’
‘You’ve never been with a girl before?’
Liane shook her head. ‘No. I’ve had crushes, I think. Not that I ever thought of them as crushes. My friend Zack – he died – I thought I was in love with him. But I don’t know. I used to think about him and his girlfriend a lot. A lot. And now I wonder … And then I met this guy, Alfie. And I asked him out but he had a girlfriend and now I wonder if I even liked him or if I was just trying to distract myself. From Issey. Like, I told myself I liked Zack, but maybe it was actually his girlfriend. And then I told myself I liked Alfie, but –’
‘Maybe you did,’ Paige said. ‘Maybe you liked them both. Alfie and Zack. Maybe you actually liked Zack’s girlfriend. That’s OK. It’s all OK. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it.’
Liane shook her head. ‘I know. I mean, I sort of know. But also maybe I just miss the feeling of being with someone properly, you know? The list is great – it’s been fun – and hook-ups are fine and everything, but that feeling of anticipation, you know? Butterflies and thinking about someone all the time and …’
Issey. She had that with Issey.
‘God,’ she said, dropping her head down onto the table. ‘I am an idiot.’
Paige rested her hand on the back of Liane’s neck. ‘You’re not an idiot. You’re just in love with your best friend.’
Nick was snoring lightly next to her, but Ella couldn’t sleep. She texted with Dylan for a bit, but he was exhausted – the band had been in crisis meetings with their management and record company since he’d got back – so she had to let him go. She checked her bank account and noted that Paige still hadn’t transferred the money in. She needed to talk to her again, she knew, but it was so awkward. This was why she hadn’t wanted to be responsible for the bills in the first place. Particularly since she could tell that Paige was struggling, but every time she’d tried to say something, Paige apologised and said she was sorting it and would be able to pay soon.
She scrolled through Tumblr for a while and then went to Instagram. It was so irritating now it wasn’t in chronological order. She was constantly wondering why someone was at Starbucks in the middle of the night before realising the photo had been taken hours or sometimes days earlier.
She almost scrolled right past Issey’s photo – her eyes were already starting to lose focus and she thought she could probably fall asleep – but then she stopped and stared.
‘What the fuck?’ she muttered.
‘Hmm?’ Nick said in his sleep, shifting slightly towards Ella.
Ella stared at the photo Issey had posted. It was of Ella and Dylan with Lou in the background. Lou was standing behind the sofa, leaning on it with both arms, her head hanging down, hair almost touching the cushions. Dylan was right on the edge of the photo, in profile, his fringe curling down over his eyes. He was grinning, the dimple popping in his cheek. Ella was grinning back at him, and she could actually see for once why people sometimes said they looked alike. People who knew they were siblings. So, people at home in Lancashire, not at university.
It was a really good photo. Issey had put a filter on it that made Ella’s skin look smoother, her hair warmer. It was the kind of photo she’d have had as the lockscreen on her phone if she wasn’t at university. But she was. And now Issey had permanently linked her with Dylan. She was going to kill her.