They barely saw each other for the rest of the first week back, and by the weekend they were all more than ready to wind down and get completely hammered. Together. Everyone gradually drifted out onto the terrace as they made it home from uni, bringing drinks, snacks, blankets, cushions and, in Ella’s case, one of her textbooks that she knew, in her heart, she wasn’t actually going to look at.
By eleven, it was cool and dark, and they were all various stages of drunk.
‘Shit!’ Ella said as she knocked over her drink. She sat up, looking around for something to mop it up with.
She was just reaching for one of the blankets when Paige said, ‘Here!’ and pulled a magazine out from where it had been stuck under one of the table legs.
‘Hey!’ Lou said, grabbing her own drink. ‘I was leaning on that.’ She tipped her head back and blew her smoke up into the dark sky.
Ella dabbed at the pool of beer with the magazine. ‘This is useless. I’m going to go and get some kitchen roll.’
She stood up and staggered a little, banging into the table with her hip.
‘Hey!’ Lou said again, picking up her own bottle. ‘Respect the booze!’
‘Listen to this,’ Issey said from the floor, her face right next to Ella’s spilled beer. ‘There’s an article called “The Fuck It List”.’
‘God, what magazine is it?’ Liane asked.
Issey squinted at it. ‘Can’t tell. It’s all wet.’
‘I’ll read it,’ Paige said, reaching out and taking it from Issey. ‘And then I need to take my contacts out. My eyes are burning.’
Ella came back through and mopped up the beer before flopping down on the floor again.
‘Jesus, listen to this,’ Paige said. ‘“There are some men every woman should sleep with, even if she knows she shouldn’t. Often the sexual encounters you know you shouldn’t have had are the ones that linger in your memory. The hottest. The weirdest. The ones you wouldn’t tell your mother about.”’ Paige looked up at the others. ‘Do people generally tell their mothers about their sexual encounters?’
‘Ella probably would,’ Lou said. ‘If she ever had any.’
Ella hit her with a cushion.
Paige looked back at the magazine. ‘Yadda yadda … sex with people you shouldn’t have sex with is hot, you get the drift. And then there’s a list. Of people you should have sex with before you get married. Because, you know, everyone has to get married.’ She rolled her eyes.
Issey crawled out of her duvet, tenting it over her head. ‘Here for the list.’
‘OK,’ Paige said. ‘But I’m warning you, this looks like total bullshit. Number one: sleep with a man with a tattoo.’
‘We’ve all shagged someone with a tattoo, surely?’ Lou said.
‘I haven’t,’ Ella said.
‘Of course you haven’t,’ Lou said, kissing the top of Ella’s head.
‘I have,’ Issey said. ‘Actually, I don’t think I’ve had sex with anyone who didn’t have a tattoo.’
‘Same,’ Liane said without opening her eyes.
‘Gavin had a tattoo?’ Issey said.
‘Shit one,’ Liane said. ‘Yin yang thing on his arm.’
‘God,’ Issey said.
‘“Sleep with a waiter”,’ Paige read. ‘“Sleep with a Greek waiter”.’
‘It is weird that she feels the need to specify,’ Issey said. ‘If you do the Greek waiter first does it count for both?’
‘“Sleep with someone off a reality show”,’ Paige continued. ‘“Sleep with a man who once went to jail”.’
‘I think I prefer the crim to, like, someone off TOWIE,’ Lou said.
‘“Sleep with a cab driver”.’
‘I don’t understand what’s wrong with these people,’ Issey said. ‘What magazine was this in?’ She reached for the page, squinted at it, turned it over, and then, finding no info, handed it back.
‘Nothing’s wrong with them,’ Lou said. ‘They’re just blokes to shag.’
‘But it does sort of read like a list of people your parents are meant to disapprove of,’ Paige said.
‘Oh well, I’ve never worried about them when choosing someone to shag,’ Lou said. ‘Ella?’
‘Piss off,’ Ella said, mildly.
‘But I mean my parents wouldn’t disapprove of any of them,’ Issey said. ‘My dad’s a cab driver and he’s got a tattoo.’
‘Ooh!’ Lou said, leaning forward to look at Issey. ‘Can I shag him? Tick two off.’
‘Fuck. Off.’
‘So what do you want on the list?’ Lou asked Issey. ‘Like, an MP? A public schoolboy?’
‘Ugh god, no,’ Issey said. ‘What about someone who doesn’t speak English?’
‘Fantasy of yours?’ Paige asked her.
‘Maybe,’ Issey said, straightening up and grinning. ‘Don’t you think it would be hot, though? Like, it would all be physical.’
‘There’s more on this list,’ Paige said, wafting the paper in the air. ‘“With another girl, with a friend’s brother, with someone in a band”.’
‘That’s more like it,’ Lou said.
‘Which one?’ Issey asked.
‘Any of them.’
‘You haven’t had sex with a girl,’ Liane said, turning to look at Lou. ‘Have you?’
Lou shrugged. ‘Not yet. I’m just saying I’m not ruling it out. I’ve done the other two though.’
‘I’ve done the brother,’ Issey said.
‘And I’ve done the band,’ Paige added.
‘Oh my god,’ Ella said, reaching for the tequila again. ‘I haven’t lived.’
‘Well, here’s your guide,’ Lou said, taking the article off Paige. ‘Laminate this. Tick them off with a Sharpie. No relationships, all casual sex. Plenty of time to “focus on your studies”,’ she said, doing air quotes. ‘“Have sex with your teacher or boss”,’ Lou read. ‘See? Perfect for uni.’
‘God,’ Ella said. ‘Don’t get this tequila again, it’s rough as.’
‘It was eight quid,’ Lou said.
‘Is that the end of the list?’ Issey asked.
Lou held the article up under the fairy lights. ‘Someone twice your age. Done that. Someone in uniform. Ooh. Would like to do that.’
‘Firefighter,’ Liane said.
‘Soldier,’ Issey said.
‘Pilot,’ Paige said.
‘There’s a hot security guard at Primark …’ Issey said. ‘Bit more realistic than pilot.’
‘Do we need to be realistic?’ Ella said. ‘I thought we were just … you know.’
‘I don’t know,’ Lou said. ‘Don’t you think it could be fun? See how many we can tick off before the end of year? Winner gets … I don’t know, what does the winner get?’
‘Chlamydia?’ Paige said and the others laughed.
‘Every time we tick one off we put a tenner in a jar. Winner takes all.’
‘So you’re telling me it’s going to cost me a tenner a shag,’ Liane said. ‘I need a better job.’
‘What do you think?’ Lou said. ‘Up for it?’
‘I am,’ Issey said. ‘And now I’m going to bed.’ She stood up, her duvet curled around her like a turtle’s shell. ‘Night, sluts.’
‘Ugh, I hate that word,’ Ella said. ‘You can include me if you want, but you should keep expectations low.’
‘They are the lowest,’ Lou said, kissing Ella’s temple.
‘Yeah, why not?’ Liane said.
‘Paige?’ Lou asked.
Paige tucked her phone inside her bra and said, ‘What the hell.’
The others followed Issey’s lead, standing up and heading back inside the house. Ella picked the article up from the floor and started to fold it before saying, ‘Hey, wait. Missed one.’
‘What?’ Lou said, stopping in the doorway.
‘Sleep with your best friend,’ Ella read. She snaked her arms around Lou’s waist from behind, dipping her head to rest her forehead between Lou’s shoulders. ‘Want to do it now?’ She tried to sound sexy, but started laughing halfway through.
Lou laughed. ‘Oh my god. See, it’s already getting you frisky. This is an excellent plan.’