Dizzy
(Darcy)
The first thing that goes through my head when I wake up in the morning is ‘come kick me really hard in the balls.’ It’s the last thing I thought of before I went to bed last night, and the night before that.
It’s a phrase that keeps popping into my head throughout the day.
Would hurting him make me feel better? Probably not. But still, part of me really wants to hurt him anyway.
Finally I opened up my heart to someone, after all these years of keeping it safe, and he crushed it.
I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to phone my father.
What would I say to him? That I’ve been giving away our secret strategies to the owner of our biggest competition? That I only got the CEO job at Elite Exhibitions because of my boyfriend? That I’ve now broken up with said boyfriend and will not be taking the CEO job, and can I have my old one back?
No fucking way. I can never go back there.
For starters, he’d treat me even worse as punishment. Assuming he’d even take me back. I wonder if he’ll ever even speak to me again. I haven’t heard anything from him since his call telling me that Elite Exhibitions had bought the interior design event.
Now I have no job, but I can’t deny it feels so damn good to be away from my father. Normally, I dread getting up every morning because I don’t know what crap he’ll hurl at me that day, and that dread is all gone now.
Quitting was the smartest thing I ever did. I wish I’d done it years ago.
Too bad it’s been replaced by the heartache Liam’s caused.
My phone dings again with a text message. I don’t have to look at it to know it’s Liam. He keeps texting me, since the day I walked out on him. I should stop replying to them, it just encourages him. But I can’t seem to stop myself.
My heart leaps every time my phone dings. At least I’m strong enough to ignore his actual phone calls.
I walk across my living room and pick up my phone from the pile of snotty, teary Kleenexes by the armchair I’ve been cocooning in the past few days.
His text is two words.
Trust me
We’ve been going back and forth on this issue for the past few days.
I text him straight back.
You have too many secrets, you’re fundamentally untrustworthy
What else isn’t he telling me? I should’ve known on the jet, when he admitted Jones wasn’t his real last name, that I couldn’t trust him.
Why did I let myself break my biggest rule and enter into a relationship with him? I was happy being single. But now that I’ve experienced his love, can I ever be happy being single again? My body craves having his strong arms around me.
In my heart I know we’re finished.
I’ve come to believe that he doesn’t have any day-to-day role in the running of Elite Exhibitions, and that he probably didn’t pass on any of my observations — including the purchasing of the chocolate or interior design events.
Presumably he passed my name along for the CEO role, but he’s adamant he had no part in the hiring process. And I have enough faith in myself and my abilities that I believe him. I know I got that job on my own merit.
While my phone is still in my hand, it rings. It’s Kirsten, and I hit accept. I’ve spoken to her at least once a day since I left Liam.
“Hey,” I say, trying to sound cheerier than I am.
“Hey honey, how’re you feeling today?”
“Like shit, same as yesterday.”
“You still making Chase hang out in your lobby?”
“Yes,” I say and feel a twinge of guilt.
“Poor guy.”
“I know. Maybe I’ll take him a coffee.”
“Any word from your father?”
“Nothing, thankfully. I can’t deal with him too.”
“And Liam?” She asks tentatively. “Have you talked to him?”
“No, but he keeps texting.”
“He really cares about you, obviously.”
“I know, but what he did was so deceitful.” I don’t bother finishing my sentence. We’ve had this conversation at least three times already.
Kirsten seems to want me to forgive Liam, and act like nothing happened. Or maybe that’s just me reading things into her words.
“Was it?”
“He let me talk extensively about Knight Global Events’ strategies!”
“But did he do anything that with that info?”
“Who knows? He said he didn’t. He claims he has nothing to do with the day-to-day running of Elite Exhibitions. But—”
“But what? Either he did or didn’t.”
“There’s no way to know for sure, since they went and bought the two events I told Liam about.” Except I’ve convinced myself he didn’t.
“So it comes down to trust. Do you trust him?”
I don’t say anything. That’s a different question altogether. One I don’t know the answer to.
Kirsten sighs loudly into the phone, and says, “Young Hearts has been doing great. With all our funding worries gone, we’ve been able to finish the website and increase our call center staff. Plus we’re focusing on building the best programs for helping victims and their loved ones.”
“That’s great,” I say smiling for the first time in days.
We talk in more detail about the charity. The whole time I think about how Liam saved it with his donation. Kirsten and his people are still hammering out the details of the trust, but it shouldn’t take much longer.
I’m really grateful to Liam for everything he’s given the charity. While she speaks, my mind spins between how amazing Liam is and how he deceived me. The thoughts spin faster and faster, until I’m dizzy.
“Kirsten,” I interrupt her speaking about some sort of financial structure for the charity.
“What is it?”
“I’ve got to go,” I say and end the call.
Before I can even reach the Kleenex box on the coffee table, my body heaves with the hurt Liam’s inflicted on me. Tears burst from my eyes, the pain fresh again.
Why did he do this? Why couldn’t he have just been honest from the beginning?
Without thinking, I grab my phone instead of the tissues, and send him a text.
Stop contacting me. I can never trust you again, you have too many secrets.