Avery
It’s Monday afternoon, and I’m trying to work.
But how am I supposed to concentrate on my work, when I can see Knox out the window. He’s working on his car, in his shorts with no shirt on. His muscles glisten with sweat from the heat.
For a long time, I sit, paralyzed. Unable to take my eyes off him.
I never felt this bad after Nathan and I broke up. That wasn’t even a tenth as painful as the way I feel now. In the whole four years I was with him, I never for a moment cared about him as much as I care about Knox.
Everything was so perfect with Knox. Sleeping in his arms, waking up with him in me, nothing could get better. And then everything fell apart.
Without bothering to check my hair and makeup, I hit record.
“Hi everyone. I’m not doing so well today, as you can probably see. Right now I’m fighting for my unicorn. Not because of all that stuff I said before, about him being the most incredible lover imaginable, but because he’s the most incredible man imaginable. A man who’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness for someone else. But I don’t know how to make him see that he doesn’t have to sacrifice his life. That he can fulfill his responsibilities and still have me.”
Tears roll freely down my cheeks, but I keep talking, “I want him to know that I can even help him with his responsibility, that I want to help him. Because maybe I feel as strongly about his responsibility as I do about him.”
My throat is tight, and I pause to swallow. I can’t stop the words now. I don’t want to mention Piper in case he gets more mad. If he ever watches this, that is. The webcam is still rolling, and I look off to the left, where I can see Knox outside my window.
“Never in my whole life have I felt so comfortable or that I belong with someone so strongly. I don’t know. I know I normally have all sorts of advice to give you, but today I don’t have any. Today…” I stop talking and watch Knox out the window for a few moments.
“Today, I want to play a game with you. It’s called Would You Rather, and if you have kids, I’m sure you’re familiar with it. My question is, would you rather keep trying to convince the man who owns your heart that having you doesn’t mean hurting his responsibility, or would you rather step back, sit in your house, alone, and wait years for his responsibility to, to…” I can’t say grow up and finish high school. I won’t risk angering Knox.
“To end. And then maybe the two of you can try things again. Because I would wait. I’d wait forever for him.”
I grab a Kleenex and wipe my face, not caring that it’s on webcam.
“Maybe a couple of months ago, I would’ve told you that you have to be with someone for a long time, at least a year, if not more, in order for your love for them to develop and grow.” My mind is racing, and I realize this is why I stayed with Nathan for so long, I was always waiting for the love to appear. The real love that never came.
“But now, now I know that sometimes something is obvious from the start. When you’ve found the person whose life you belong in, you don’t need years to figure it out. You just know. Your body knows, your soul knows. You just have to listen to it. But how do you get the other person to acknowledge it?”
I’m losing the ability to speak without sounding like a blubbering fool. I turn off the camera and sit at my desk.
It takes half the Kleenex box until I can see clear enough to attempt to edit the video. By that point, I’ve lost interest and post it raw and completely unedited.
I sit at my desk until I can’t take it any longer. It’s nearly six anyway. I grab two cold beers from my fridge and march out to his garage without checking my reflection in the mirror.
Knox’s head is buried under the hood of some old car, giving me a nice eyeful of his muscular ass as I walk up the driveway.
I take a deep breath, and say, “Hey. It’s hot out here, I brought you a cold drink.”
Knox grunts and keeps his head under the hood. Is this going to be like the first time I brought him beer all over again?
“I’m not going back inside until you talk to me. You may as well enjoy the beer.”
“Don’t make this hard, Avery,” he says, his voice gruff.
I step forward, and set a can on the engine. Knox sighs, and ducks out from under the hood. He takes the can off the car, but doesn’t open it.
“Can’t we just talk about it?”
“The fuck-buddy thing didn’t work for either of us, and I was crystal clear from the start that a relationship was never an option. There’s nothing else to talk about.”
“But how can you ignore your feelings?”
“Avery, no. It’s still no. It’s always going to be no. That’s the way it has to be.”
“Knox, I understand what you think you have to do, and be.”
“No, no you don’t. You don’t have kids. You’re not the one who spends your whole adult life trying to do the right thing.” His nostrils flare and his eyes bore into me, though his voice is soft, “And you’re not the one who dropped the fucking ball and let your little girl get her heart crushed.”
“That’s going to happen, everyone gets hurt at some point. It’s not your fault her mother abandoned her. How did you ever think you were going to protect her from that realization?” My voice is soft, comforting.
“Maybe, but that would happen a different day, not the day of her graduation. If I hadn’t been, if we hadn’t been, then it wouldn't have happened.”
There’s no point in arguing this with him. My heart aches too much to stand here any longer. I need to leave, before I have a complete meltdown and embarrass myself.
Maybe I should go stay with Darla for a while, until the stabbing hurt dulls a little.
“Okay,” I say, and turn and walk back to my house.
As I round the corner, I can see a brown pick-up parked across the street. Probably another delivery, of more sex-related products for me to pimp. Once on my doorstep, I put my hand on the doorknob.
“Bitch!”
It’s Nathan. He walking towards me from the pick-up. His blond hair is disheveled and his blue eyes fierce.
“You scared me,” I say. “What are you doing here?”
“You fucking destroy my relationship with your fucking videos, and you wonder why I’m here?”
My heart, already racing from talking to Knox, thumps out of control. I’ve never felt threatened by Nathan, but this is weird.
“I somehow don’t think I’m the reason your fiancée left you, Nathan.”
“Everyone I know is calling me squeeze toy!” He roars so loud his voice seems to echo off the house across the street.
I don’t know what to say, but drop my hand off the doorknob.
“I fucking warned you! I told you over and over to shut your fucking mouth. That you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. But still your fucking videos went on and on and you would not shut your fucking mouth!” he screams at the top of his lungs.
Paralyzed, my mind races. What is he saying? Why is he blaming me?
“Every fucking day she used to ask me how I never learned a fucking thing from you. How she couldn’t believe I sucked so bad in bed when I lived with you so long, Avery. It didn’t matter how many times I told her you were full of shit, or how many times I told you to stop. Your fucking idiotic videos went on and on.” Spit flies from his mouth as he yells.
“Who the fuck are you?” Knox demands as he comes around the corner of my house.