Reason to Live

(EMILY)

“Holy fuck, are you kidding me?” I say, looking up at him.

Is he threatening me now? The way he’s standing there like that, his eyes cold staring down into me. I need out of here, away from him.

I turn, grab my coat and flee out the door. Marching straight to the elevator, I don’t even turn around to see if he’s following me. I don’t want him to.

Alone in the elevator, tears trickle down my cheeks. What do I do?

I keep on walking, out of the hotel to the Falls. We’re up a cliff from them, and I have to take an incline railway car down the cliff to get to the top of the Falls.

Crossing a road, I beeline straight to the thing I’ve been staring at out the window. I walk until I can’t go any further, and I lean on the railing that separates me from the water. I’m standing in a cloud of mist, and the noise of the river hurdling over the edge is deafening.

Through my tears, I don’t feel anywhere near the awe I felt when I was looking out the window. Instead, my eyes fix on the edge of the Falls, seemingly only inches from me, and I watch the water plunge into the gorge below.

Is the same thing happening with my relationship? We were sailing all smooth down the calm river, and then bam! we go flying over a two-hundred-foot cliff. One I didn’t know was there, but Steel did.

I should’ve been more demanding in getting him to tell me about his past before I ever joined the carnival. Or at very latest, after he attacked Razor. God, I feel so stupid. How was I so stupid?

The November wind is biting cold, and blowing straight down the wide river and into my face. If I wasn’t crying to begin with, the wind would put the tears in my eyes for me. I pull my coat tighter around me, and try to close any gap around the neck.

Craning my head, I look at our hotel behind me. As if looking up at the towering building could give me any answers. Just because Steel’s in it right now doesn’t mean anything. Or it shouldn’t, anyway.

I look back to the river. I’m standing right at the lip and the main waterfall, the one that divides Canada from America. It’s a lot of foaming, unbroken water all the way over to an island. Down from the island is another waterfall, the American Falls. Enormous, jagged rocks litter the bottom of it.

It’s kind of the way I feel. Like I was just sailing along in smooth American waters, when this Canadian came along and plunged me into some boulders. I sigh.

Beyond that waterfall, a bridge spans high across the gorge, connecting the two countries.

The longer I stand here, the more my gaze focuses away from the waterfalls, and onto the bridge. I wonder if it’s possible for me and Steel to be connected like that again.

My mind races, thinking back over all the things that Steel ever did around me, all the fun we had and talks that went long into the night in our trailer. Aside from Razor, nothing he ever did made me think he was anything other than amazing.

My hands are ice, and I cram them in my pockets. I lost the feeling in my toes ages ago, but I don’t leave my spot at the railing. I can’t. I’m too busy replaying the past year in my head, in reverse.

When I get to that night in the Motel 6, when I was begging Steel to take me away to join the carnival, I remember what he said. Something I’d forgotten before, and my heart shatters as if it just hit one of those jagged boulders.

‘You’ll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you any way they feel, because you’re scum and don’t deserve any respect. In their minds, you’ve had your trial, and you’re guilty.’

Is that the way I treated Steel? The father of my baby?

I think back over his story in the hotel room. At the time, the only thing I heard was violence, hospital, police. Somehow, the other parts didn’t sink in at all.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Steel says.

He leans on the railing, a few inches away from me, staring at the water. My throat is too tight to speak, and I nod in acknowledgement.

“In my defense, I never would’ve hit him if he hadn’t been hurting my mother.”

“I know,” I say, and bite my lip. My God, I feel like such a bitch. I didn’t even care about how hard his life must have been, I couldn’t get past the violence. I should’ve been hugging him, when instead I was screaming at him.

“That’s the bridge my buddies and I walked across,” he says, pointing to the bridge. “The law finally declared me resettled in the community, and it was my first day of true freedom. We knew a carnival was passing through on the American side. We went looking for trouble, but I found my home. My friends all came back across the bridge that night, but I convinced Papa Smurf to give me a job. I stayed at the carnival, with only the clothes on my back. And I never looked back.”

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as fast as the water in the river. Their warmth thaws my frozen face.

“Ten years ago, I walked across that bridge in search of something. Something better. A dream. Anything. And I finally found what it is I’ve been looking for all this time. All those fucking shitty little towns. Everything. All I’ve wanted my whole life is you.” Every tendon in Steel’s neck is on display. While he’s speaking, he shifts his body and leans his side on the railing, and looks at me.

His blue eyes are shining brighter than I’ve ever seen them shine before. Even through my blurred tears, I can tell his whole soul is visible. His beautiful, good soul. The soul of a good man.

“Steel,” I say, reaching out my hand.

He shakes his head.

“I never believed people as amazing as you even existed. And I definitely never believed anyone like you would be interested in someone like me. I ain’t letting you walk away from me now.”

All I want to do is melt into his warmth. To dive right into the blue of his eyes and plunge straight into the center of his heart, where I belong.

I turn my body to face his, hoping he will pull me into him and never let me go. I sniffle, and lift my hand in front of me, wanting to say so much but unable to find the words.

He clasps my hand in both of his, and kneels, his leg on the freezing, wet ground.

“I know I didn’t do this right the first time. Or the second. But Goldie, Emily, marry me. Spend the rest of your life with me, and I promise every day will be filled with nothing but happiness. I love you.”

I open my mouth and force myself to finally speak. “I can’t imagine a better man than you, Steel, Kayden. I’m yours, forever. Have been ever since that first night in your bunk house.”

“I wish I brought a ring to give you,” he says, looking up at me.

“I don’t give a fuck about a ring. I love you, Steel.”

“Maybe on the fourth proposal I’ll get everything right.”

A laugh pushes past my tears, and I can’t remember the last time I smiled this hard. No, I can. It was during those three times round on the Ferris wheel.

“Get up out of the freezing puddle,” I say, tugging on his hand.

Steel stands and pulls me into his arms. His warmth floods through me, and my heart feels whole again.

“You’re shivering,” he says, his voice low.

“I’ve been standing out in the freezing mist too long.” I turn my head as I speak, and our noses brush together.

“We need to get you inside.”