My purse vibrates against my lap.

It's almost enjoyable.

Hell, if I were alone on the couch, my eyelids pressed together, my thoughts on stripping Hunter out of that suit—

I can work with that.

I mean, I don't exactly need my cell's buzz. I have a vibrator.

Brendon made this huge, awkward thing about letting me pick out one when I was fifteen.

God, it was weird.

It completely killed the thrill of masturbation for a while.

And, well, killing a fifteen-year-old girl's desire to masturbate is quite an accomplishment.

A nineteen year old's…

I haven't.

Since that night.

It's school. Work. Stress.

All those extra shifts I picked up at the department store over the summer.

It's not like I was working myself to the bone so I wouldn't have free space in my brain.

It's not about him.

And it's not like the tension in my chest is about him either.

It's just…

It's been a while since I've been alone with a guy.

My purse buzzes again.

Collin looks to me curiously. "You gonna check that?"

"It's just Hunter."

"Oh." His eyes narrow. His brows furrow. His fingers curl into the steering wheel.

"He's so annoying. As bad as my brother."

"You two seemed pretty friendly."

"That's the only way to keep him off my back."

"Yeah."

"Trust me. It is." I guess, this time, I'm the one responsible for Collin's insecurity. It's obvious I'm into Hunter. That I want to drag him back to my room, unbutton his slacks, and wrap my hand around him.

Fuck, I want to touch him.

To taste him.

To lose myself in fucking him.

I want to be able to do that.

To feel normal.

Maybe it's not possible.

But actually wanting him without Vinnie creeping into the picture—

That's progress.

Even if I'm soothed rather than annoyed by his check-in texts.

Even if I'm comforted by knowing he's waiting to swoop in.

I'm a fucking damsel in distress.

How the hell do women deal with this all the time?

I spent the vast majority of my life sure I could take care of myself. Desperate to prove I could take care of myself.

And I could.

Until I couldn't.

Hunter: I can play bad cop if you need an out.

Emma: Why would I need that?

Hunter: Why did you stare at me like you wanted me to say no?

Because I'm not sure I can handle this.

Because I haven't been alone with a guy in three months.

Because I don't remember how to enjoy parties.

There are too many reasons.

Emma: You really think I need your permission to go to a party?

Hunter: You asked for it.

Emma: So your date would buy your 'Emma is like a sister story.'

Hunter: What story?

Emma: You get hard thinking about your sister?

Hunter: Don't have a sister.

Emma: You aren't denying it.

Hunter: A pretty girl was staring at my cock. It was involuntary.

Emma: And earlier tonight?

Hunter: What about it?

I mean. I'm not sure he was hard. But the way he was holding my coat, blushing, staring—

God, I want that.

I want to make him hard.

To feel how much he wants me.

I haven't wanted that in a long fucking time.

Emma: You were staring at my tits.

Hunter: Isn't that the point of your dress?

Yeah. It's for me. Because it makes me feel good. Because it makes me feel sexy. Because I need to believe I'm in control of that.

But…

Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want Hunter staring at my chest.

Emma: Not for your sake.

Hunter: I'm a man. I like tits. It's not personal.

Emma: You weren't looking at Alice's.

Hunter: I was. You just didn't notice.

"Em?" Collin mutters a curse as he slams on the brakes. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. He just wants to make sure there won't be any drugs at the party. You know what parents are like."

"Parents?"

"My brother is my legal guardian. My parents died when I was a kid."

"Oh, fuck."

"They were in a car accident."

"Shit." He turns to me with an apologetic frown. The stoplight casts a red glow over his light skin.

It should be beautiful.

But it's not.

"I'm so sorry, Em." He reaches out to place his palm on the back of my hand. "That sucks."

"Yeah." I pull my hand to my lap. I appreciate the thought, but I don't need empty platitudes."

Are you okay?" he asks.

"It was a long time ago."

"Still. You must miss them."

"Yeah." My fingers glide over my cell. I bite back the defensive responses that will get him to back off. I've done enough to this poor guy. "But I don't really want to talk about it."

"Sure."

"Where is the address? Hunter wants it."

Despite the mention of Hunter, Collin's expression stays soft. "On my cell." He motions to his phone, currently plugged into the speaker.

I pick it up. Find the address in the maps app, send it to Hunter.

Emma: Don't wait up.

Hunter: That isn't funny.

Emma: You should enjoy your date. Find out what cliché Alice has tattooed on her ribs.

Hunter: Now, I know you're jealous.

Emma: In your dreams.

Hunter: Rib tattoos hurt like a bitch.

Emma: I'm aware.

Hunter: You're too scared for the needle.

Emma: Or maybe I have no desire to mark my skin forever.

Hunter: One day, you're going to care enough about something to need it on your skin.

Emma: And your Latin quote?

Hunter: What about it?

Emma: What nourishes me also destroys me? Really?

I set my cell in my lap to fiddle with Collin's. It's really trusting of him, keeping his attention on the road while I have every opportunity to check for nudes or texts with other girls.

I don't.

I do care about respecting people's privacy.

I go straight to the streaming app. Switch the music from a hip-hop playlist to The Smiths.

Collin makes that really, this face, but he keeps his lips zipped.

This is what always happens when I tell people about my parents.

They get all quiet and awkward and apologetic.

Hunter: It does.

Emma: What specifically?

Hunter: Aren't you at a party?

Emma: Aren't you getting a drink?

Hunter: Staying sober in case you need a ride.

Emma: I can Uber.

Hunter: Over my dead body.

Emma: Really? You'd die over me taking a ride share?

Hunter: Yeah.

Emma: That's a little melodramatic.

Hunter: So am I.

Emma: You really are.

Someone's parents are out of town.

A big Brentwood house (in a perfect shade of Bruins blue) is booming with the wub wub wub of club music.

Its yellow fluorescent lights glow against the dark sky.

College students stand on the deck, sipping from red Solo cups. A few sit at a trendy green patio table, puffing cigarette smoke into the cool night air.

It's a normal party.

But it feels like I'm stepping into another dimension.

I haven't been to a proper college party since… Since Vinnie.

Fuck, that asshole doesn't get to be some sort of dividing line in my life.

There's no pre-Vinnie and after-Vinnie.

There's college.

I'm here at a college party like a normal sophomore.

Maybe my date isn't the most shining guy in the universe. Maybe he doesn't make my sex ache or my stomach flutter or my chest fill with warmth.

But it's like that saying goes.

I'm going to dance with the one who brought me.

I link arms with Collin as I step into the party. We pass friends playing a card game on the coffee table. Plates of snacks against the dining table. A row of bottles in the kitchen.

"Let's get a drink." I go straight to the makeshift bar. Fill a plastic cup with plenty of ice and rum and enough coke to make the whole thing palatable.

Collin fixes something with a lot of orange juice. "Damn, Em. You can put it away."

"Uh-huh." I swallow another gulp. Let the cheap booze warm my throat and cheeks. "This is your friend's party?"

He nods.

"Introduce me," I say.

"Yeah, sure." Collin leads me through the crowded living room. To a den around the corner.

Big leather couches. Clean white carpet. High ceilings. Skylights looking out at the stars. And those massive sliding doors that open to a lush backyard.

Collin motions to a muscular Asian guy sitting on the couch between two women in fuck me heels. "Hey Steve."

Steve nods.

"This is Emma."

"The hottie." He nods a hello. "I can see why he's always talking about you."

The compliment should make me blush, but it doesn't. Still, I play my part. "You're just saying that."

"Maybe." He laughs. "I say a lot of shit." He and Collin exchange a look, then he turns back to me. "Glad you joined us, Emma. We were just getting ready to play seven minutes in heaven."

Seriously? We're not fourteen. No self-respecting college student needs an excuse to head upstairs with a partner.

Collin laughs. "Not sure she's impressed."

"We're a little old for that," I say.

"How about seven inches in heaven?" Steve teases.

It's a funny enough joke.

If it was Dean making it—Dean would never dare suggest he's only seven inches—I'd laugh.

This…

It doesn't feel right.

"All right." Steve nods to the couch across from his. Motions for us to sit. "How about we play a different game?"

"Let me guess. Ten fingers," I make my voice as teasing as I can.

"I was thinking truth or dare." He smiles.

Collin nods.

I just barely stop myself from rolling my eyes.

This is not a college party.

This is just… sad.

But that's not ruining my night. I'm having fun. I have fun. That's who I am. Who I've always been. "All right. But I want to go first."

He nods.

I take a seat on the white leather couch.

Collin sits next to me. His knee taps mine. His fingers brush my thigh.

I wrap my arms around my chest. "It's cold in here, huh?"

Collin nods, grabs the blanket that's draped over the couch, sets it on my lap.

"What a gentleman," the blond girl coos.

"Steve, right?" I tuck the blanket around my thighs. So he won't get any ideas about us fooling around under it. That could be fun. If it was me and Hunter and we were desperate to touch—

Fuck.

I need to get my head in the game.

Sure, I want Hunter.

But Hunter is off with Carpe Diem.

Hunter isn't happening.

This party, me having fun tonight—that is happening.

Steve nods. "Shoot."

"Truth or dare," I ask.

"Truth." He grins.

Okay, let's get this started. "How many people at this party have you fucked."

His expression gets sheepish. "One."

"Who?" I ask.

"Not your turn anymore," he says.

Collin leans in to whisper. "You remember the redhead in the kitchen?"

Not at all.

He moves closer. So his breath is warming my ear. "It was her."

My shoulders tense, but I shake it off.

Steve asks one of the girls something about when she lost her virginity.

She dares her friend to kiss Steve.

Then the friend turns to Collin and he picks dare.

"I dare you to kiss Emma." She smiles like she just aced a test in her hardest subject.

It's a standard dare.

It's totally normal.

It's totally fine.

He looks to me. "What do you think?"

This is where I say yes. "Not here."

"Ooooh." Steve claps. "Fucking escalating. Nice."

I bite my tongue. "I better refill first."

"Yeah." Collin stands and offers his hand.

I take it. Let him slide his arm around my waist as he leads me to the kitchen.

I swallow my last drop of rum and coke.

Pour another glass and swallow a mouthful.

It warms my throat.

Calms the nerves spinning around my head.

This is a party.

A dare.

It doesn't mean anything.

Only… if I can't kiss him.

Fuck, that means everything.

Collin presses his palm into my lower back. He leads me through the living room, up the stairs, all the way to a dark bedroom.

I step inside and swallow another sip of rum and coke.

He flips the switch.

Yellow light floods the room.

It's a teenage girl's bedroom. The posters of hot musicians are a dead giveaway.

My room is the same.

Well, it was.

Until I tore down everything.

Collin closes the door, shutting out the noise of the party.

It's just us.

And the bed.

And the silence.

"This is nice." He takes a seat on the hot pink comforter.

I press my back into the wall. Take another sip.

"Don't worry about that dare, Em. It's a dumb game."

"Yeah."

"I just want to talk to you."

I've heard that before.

"I really like you."

"Thanks."

"You're funny. Smart. Hot." His cheeks flush. "Not sure what you want to do with me."

I'm trying to figure that out.

"Did you like the movie?"

I barely watched it. I was too busy keeping my guard up. "It wasn't my favorite."

"What is?" He motions to the bed. "If you want."

I do. I want to be able to sit there. And I want to rest my feet. These shoes are murder.

But I can't bring myself to move closer.

"What?" I pull my jacket a little tighter.

"What movie is your favorite?" he asks.

"Oh, that's easy. Hercules."

"Really?" He lets out a soft chuckle. "It's so… cute."

"And?"

"You just seem…"

"Not cute?"

"No. You're really pretty."

God, I'm way too defensive.

It's not his fault.

It's really not.

"Thank you." I force myself to push off the wall. I can sit on a bed next to a guy. That isn't a big deal. "I love Disney movies. My best friend and I are always watching them."

"Kaylee, right?"

"Yeah. She's my roommate too. But… well… we have to look for a new place."

"Oh?"

"Trouble with our landlord. Not interesting stuff." Deep breath. Slow exhale. Focus. I'm having fun on this date. Not thinking about Vinnie.

Collin isn't like that.

He's a nice guy.

He's safe.

This is it. I'm getting back on the horse.

I'm capable of this.

Collin looks up at me. "I'm still in my parents' place."

"That sucks."

"They're annoying. But their house is huge. And close to school."

I nod, even though I'm not absorbing his words. I'm too focused on moving toward the bed.

There.

I take a seat a few feet away from him.

I fold one leg over the other. Smooth my coat. Press my lips together. "You're a sophomore too, right?"

He nods.

"Where are you going to transfer?"

"Here, hopefully."

"UCLA?"

He nods.

I nod back. Everyone wants to transfer to UCLA. It's easier transferring as a junior than getting in straight out of high school, but it's still competitive. "Me too."

"You're smart enough."

"Smart isn't really my thing."

"But you are. You did most of the work on our project."

"I did okay."

He shakes his head. "All that stuff about managing inventory and marketing. I don't know any of it."

"I guess I picked up a lot at Inked Hearts."

Collin scoots a little closer.

I suck a breath through my teeth.

This is normal.

We're talking.

That's all.

"Does your friend normally play truth or dare?" I ask.

"No." He laughs and scoots a little closer. "He's trying to be a wingman."

"He's not good at it."

"I know. But then… I'm not very good at this either." His hand goes to my waist.

He pulls my body into his.

Then, all of a sudden, his hands are on my arms.

And his lips are on my lips.

And everything tastes like orange juice and vodka.

And my heart is beating so, so loudly.

I freeze.

This is too familiar.

The vodka.

The music.

The pressure of his hands.

He's not Vinnie. This isn't like that.

But, it's all there.

My head pounding the couch.

His belt scrapping my thigh.

The tug of rubber as he forced himself inside me.

At least he used a condom.

At least I didn't have to worry about that.

At least…

Collin pulls back. "Em? Are you okay?"

No. "Excuse me." I stand. Hug my purse to my chest. "I… bathroom." Somehow, my feet move toward the door. My hand wraps around the handle.

I get all the way to the bathroom down the hall and click the door locked.

The room is dark. Calm. Empty.

But it's spinning.

Everything is spinning. From rum or memories or my heart pounding so fucking fast.

I don't know.

But I know what I need.

I need to not be here.

I need Hunter.

I pull out my cell and call him.