For a long time, Hunter holds me.

The room fills with baby making R&B jams.

With his steady breath.

And my shaky exhale.

I keep my back to him. Keep my arms around my chest. Keep my eyes on the wall.

I still remember staring at the Breathless poster on his wall.

At reading the credits again and again.

Trying to make time go faster.

To make it stop.

It didn't help.

Only scarred me from ever watching Breathless.

Not that it really appealed to me.

Thankfully, my brother prefers action movies to new wave. For all his pretension about music, the guy has low standards when it comes to film.

Even Kaylee rarely dabbles in foreign cinema.

I'm never in danger of entering our place and coming face-to-face with a reminder. Not on the TV, at least.

It's there every time I look at my wrists.

Or a pastel pink lingerie set.

Or a glass of vodka.

Hell, sometimes it's there for no reason.

My mind is playing tricks on me. Out to get me. Impossibly against me.

The playlist ends.

Hunter slips out of bed. Goes to my desk. Picks up my cell. "You mind?"

"No."

"You want silence or music?"

"Music."

"Something you love?"

"Okay."

A moment later, a familiar song fills the room. The first one on my emo playlist.

Fuck, I hope it's a good idea listening to this now.

I can't lose something else I love.

I can't have that asshole connected to anything else.

He's already ruined sex.

He doesn't get music.

He doesn't get Hunter.

"Kay will be here soon." I pull the comforter to my chest. "I made the playlist two hours, so we'd know when we had to stop."

"Ambitious."

"Thanks." I try to laugh, but it doesn't happen. "I still think I could have made it."

"You've been watching too many superhero shows."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." His laugh is stilted. Awkward. "I'm not your boyfriend Matt. I can't go all night."

"You know, he's really wasting his powers beating people up."

Hunter pulls on his boxers.

"You don't have to do that."

"I know." He sits on the bed. Reaches over. Runs his fingers over my shoulder. "What should Matt do with his powers?"

"He could be the lover of the century."

Hunter laughs. "Yeah, he could."

"That's a waste." Matt (otherwise known as Daredevil) can sense minute changes in another person's body enough to know if they've been poisoned. If he turned those skills to sex—the man would be an unstoppable orgasm machine.

This time, his laugh is big. Hearty. Free of the reminder I ruined our perfect night. "Some people don't understand their gifts." He lies next to me.

Shifts onto his side.

Wraps his arm around my waist.

I nestle into his chest.

The comforter is between us, but he still feels good. Strong. Warm. Safe.

I really do trust him to protect me.

But I guess no one can protect me from my head.

The song shifts to the next. To something louder. With thrashing guitars and growling vocals.

It's the perfect fit for my mood.

But that doesn't really help.

Hunter's chest heaves with his inhale.

I can't quite feel his heartbeat, but there's still something soothing about feeling his breath.

He's still here.

He knows a lot and he's here.

It's not going to be a surprise. He saw how freaked I got around Vinnie. And after that party. And earlier tonight.

But the words still refuse to find my lips.

It's too much. Too heavy. Too ugly.

"You don't have to talk, Em." He runs his fingers through my hair. "You can tell me anything. But you don't have to."

"Ever?"

"If that's what you need."

I nod, though I don't believe it. I can't keep this hidden forever. I can barely handle it now. But—"I don't want you to think I'm pathetic or broken."

"I couldn't."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do." His fingers skim my ear. My jawline. My neck. "I can see why you'd believe otherwise. But you're wrong."

I shake my head.

He nods. "You're the strongest person I know."

"You don't know a lot of people."

"We had a dozen here today."

"Still."

"I'm not as strong as—"

"I'm never gonna think that about you, baby."

"Oh." I swallow hard. I don't know what else to say. I'm not arguing him out of his opinion. But he… he doesn't know this.

"I want everything in your heart."

"What about the ugly things?"

"Especially the ugly things." He pulls me closer. "But I have time."

"I don't. I want to fuck you."

He chuckles. "You're gonna have to be patient."

"I hate being patient."

"I know."

I close my eyes. Soak in the softness of his touch. The warmth of his breath. The bounce of the bassline.

This is a good song.

But that doesn't help either.

I try to practice the words in my head, but they won't come. I can barely say it to myself. How will I ever admit it to anyone else? "I guess it's obvious."

"How much you love emo music? Yeah. But I still love you."

"You—"

"Fuck. I… I do. But that's not what—"

"You love me?"

"Yeah." His voice is soft. Steady. "I love you."

"Oh." Warmth breaks up the tension in my chest. It's weird. So fucking weird. Part of me is stiff and awkward. Another part wants to float.

"I didn't mean to say that."

"You don't want—"

"This is about you, baby. This is your space. I don't want to push you."

"Okay."

"You don't have to say it back."

"Okay." I swallow hard. "I never have before."

"Me either."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well… thanks."

"You're welcome."

My laugh is awkward. "This is weird."

"Yeah."

"I… Is it obvious what happened?"

He shakes his head.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I… do I have to say it?"

"You don't have to do shit. But I'm not gonna guess. I'm not gonna do that to you."

"Oh." I pull the blanket over my head. This is so big. Bigger than anything else in the room.

I want to tell him.

I really do.

Deep breath.

Steady exhale.

One word at a time.

"I guess what I told you was half true." My heart thuds against my chest.

Then Hunter wraps his arm around me.

And I feel a little steadier.

Steady enough to do this.

I think. "I did like Vinnie. And we did have this flirtation. I… I really wanted to impress him. Then one day, I was at his place, and we were drinking. Wine at first. Then cheap vodka."

"I know the type."

"Yeah." I thought I did too. But I was wrong. "We started making out. He was a little pushy but it was okay. Just sloppy. I thought maybe he was drunk. That it would be better another time." I can still remember that awful mix of vodka and amaretto. Thinking oh fuck, he's a bad kisser. Is this over already? A bad kisser is always a bad fuck. "I liked him. I wanted him to kiss me. But that was all I wanted."

He nods.

"Only he… he didn't stop." I suck a breath through my teeth. "At first, I thought maybe he wasn't getting the hint."

Hunter rubs my shoulder through the blanket.

"That he was kinda oblivious. But after the third time I moved his hand from my thigh, I pulled back. Said I wanted to take things slow."

His breath fills the room.

"He seemed apologetic. He said sure. We went back to making out. I got into this debate in my head. If I should leave. But he seemed like he was respecting me, and we were both kinda drunk, so I figured… I don't know. I've hooked up with guys before. I've never had an issue. It didn't occur to me that I would."

"You shouldn't have to."

"Yeah. Maybe. I… I think I knew, deep down. But I was scared to admit that possibility to myself. Because it was easier believing that he was drunk. That I had good judgment. That I could extricate myself from the situation at any point." I press my lips together. "It all happened so fast. We were kissing. Then he was holding me down, against the couch, and I was pushing him off. Then I was saying no. Asking him to stop. But he wasn't listening."

"Em…"

"It really fucking hurt. So I stopped fighting." My fingers go to my wrist. To the spot that was bruised for weeks. "I closed my eyes and I tried to leave my body."

"Did it work?"

"Not really." Even now, I can feel the pressure of Vinnie's hand. The strain of my muscles. The sense that my bones might snap.

He didn't seem that strong at a glance. But he was.

He had fifty pounds on me, easily. He could have snapped me in half.

Hunter could too.

But I don't know…

Even though I trust him not to…

My head keeps going there.

"It was like… I was getting bits and pieces of it. I'd block it out for a few seconds. Then I'd feel it again. My head banging into the couch. Or his hands on my wrists. Or the tug of rubber. It hurt. More than when I was new and inexperienced and I didn't know about foreplay and lube. It was… I don't know how to explain it. But it even felt violent."

"That must have been terrifying."

"It was."

"You lived next to him all this time?"

"He traveled a lot for work. And I… I told myself it was a bad date. Bad sex. It was easier believing that than believing I'd been raped."

"Did it help?"

"For a while. But one day… I was in the laundry room alone. And he came down. I froze. I couldn't move. Couldn't say anything. Couldn't even think to grab my cell and call for help. I thought it was going to happen again."

"Did he—"

"No. He… He doesn't care or maybe he doesn't realize what he did. I don't know. Or care. I just had to be away from him."

"I'm sorry you went through that."

I don't know what to say, so I nod.

"It is obnoxious that I want to kill him?"

"Only if you go out and do it."

"Fuck, I would. If I was there. If I saw that."

"I think that's legal. Right. Defense of a third-party?"

"You been watching Law and Order?"

"Yeah. Especially the SVU one. There's something soothing about it. Like pressing on a bruise."

"I can see that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I watch stuff about addicts sometimes. Remind myself other people go through this shit too."

I nod.

"You are strong. Dealing with all that alone."

I shake my head.

"And telling me." He pulls me closer. "Your trust means the world to me."

"Me too. I means yours does. I mean… Will you say it again?"

"What?"

"All the good things."

"I don't think you're broken." He presses his lips to mine. "But even if you were, I'd still love you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"It would be so perfect if we had sex right now."

He chuckles. "Yeah. But I'm not that easy."