Kaylee presses her hands into the railing and looks toward the beach. "You can see the ocean."

"I know."

"I can smell the salt."

"Our house is on the beach."

"Yeah, but this will be ours." She puts an emphasis on the last word. So we both know that she and I are still our own our.

That it's still us against the world.

Even if the world sometimes involves my brother.

"I can see it." She turns back to the living room. Draws an outline of our couch. Then our TV.

"A big overflowing bookshelf." I point to the corner.

"Yeah." She pulls the door wider and motions after you.

I step inside.

She follows. Closes the balcony door. "Some cacti maybe."

"Since when do you want plants?"

"Since we got a balcony."

I nod fair enough. Point to the shiny counters in the kitchen. "That fancy tea kettle there."

"Next to—what was it Hunter made you this morning?"

"A pour over."

She laughs.

"What?" I know I love coffee, but she rarely mocks me for that. She's equally obsessed with tea.

"You're so into him."

I motion a little.

She shakes her head and motions a lot.

"He's really—"

"Hot."

"Yeah. But sweet too. Caring."

"It was written over both your faces."

"Oh."

She looks me in the eyes. Shakes her head.

She doesn't have to say it.

We both get it.

Brendon doesn't know.

Yet.

He can be oblivious.

But he can be smart too.

He'll realize soon.

"You okay keeping it a secret?" I ask.

"Yeah, but it won't stay a secret that long." She presses her lips together. They're a soft shade of pink. It's girly and sweet and perfect for her. "It's obvious."

"Still."

"Of course, Em. Anything you say is ours."

"Okay."

She moves through the hallway. Into the first bedroom. "I can really see us here."

"There's a pool."

"Shut up."

I take her hand and lead her into the other room.

She trots to the mirror. Presses her nose to the glass. "Oh my God."

"Right?"

"It's… it's really nice."

"Yeah."

"But, um… our last place was nice too." She clears her throat. "I'm fine moving. I just… Are you?"

"Yeah."

"We're only half a mile from the old place."

"I know."

"Is that enough distance?"

The entire planet isn't enough distance. But—"I'm not letting my life revolve around it."

She makes that hmmm noise that means she doesn't believe me. "Emma…"

Fuck, it's bad.

She's calling me Emma.

"Does Hunter know?" she asks.

"Know what?" I play dumb.

She opens the window. Inhales like she's trying to smell the chlorine from up here. "You don't have to admit it out loud."

"Okay."

"I don't want to push you. Really."

"I know. I just—"

"Did you have sex?" She turns back to me, her green eyes wide. Earnest.

Fuck, she looks so innocent.

In some ways she is.

I'm glad she's never been through it.

But it means she doesn't get it.

No matter how hard she tries.

"Hunter and I?" I ask.

"No, you and Dean." She shoots me a seriously look.

"He and Chloe are official."

"They could be into threesomes."

"Over her dead body."

She nods true. "Did you?"

"He ate me out."

"Yeah?" Her eyes light up.

It's like when we were in high school, gossiping about guys without a care in the world.

I nod a yeah.

"And?" She play swats me. "Emma Kane, you better not be withholding details!"

"He was… skilled."

"That's it?"

"I sucked him off too."

"Yeah?" Her voice gets bouncy. Excited. "And?"

"He's huge."

"So you didn't—"

"We didn't have condoms."

"You know you can still get an STD from oral."

"Thank you, Mom." I clear my throat. She's right, of course. But—"We discussed that."

"And?"

"He got tested while he—" I can't say he was in rehab. That's his business. "He got tested a few months ago. And he hadn't been with anyone for a while."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I press my lips together. "And you know, I haven't… since Vinnie. And we used a condom. So…"

"Emma."

"Can we not?"

She shakes her head.

"It's… it's not a big deal."

She says nothing, but it's written all over her face.

It is a big deal. A huge deal.

And I'm not selling my apathy.

Not even a little.

I move into the hallway. Find some sort of response. Something to say besides I know it's pathetic that I can't admit I was raped. But I can't. "This um. It has a really nice bathroom."

"I remember." She follows me into said bathroom.

Which doesn't help me run away from this.

The shower makes me think of that night.

Of trying so hard to scrub it all away.

Of her finding me pruned and crying.

Her voice is soft. "You don't have to admit it, Em. But please stop pretending like it's not a big deal."

"Okay."

"I don't want to scold you. I… I hate this." She brings her hands to my shoulders. "I hate this so much. I hate that he hurt you. I want to kill him."

"Me too."

"It's still hurting you. I hate that the most."

"It's…"

"If you say it's not, I'm going to slam you into that wall."

"Are you into that now?"

"No." She laughs. "Maybe if we switch positions—"

"Gross."

"Brendon could—"

"Ew."

"We'll probably have sex in here."

"Don't need to hear that."

"Against the wall," she adds.

"Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh. I can't hear you."

She laughs.

I do too.

It helps.

It pushes this further away.

Reminds me there's good in the world.

"Are you going to tell Hunter?" she asks.

I sit on the edge of the tub. Press my knees together. "I don't know. He… he shared stuff with me."

"Yeah?"

"He was scared about it. That I'd think of him differently."

"Did you?"

"Yeah. But in a good way. I understood him more."

She sits next to me. Places her hand next to mine. "It feels good, letting someone in."

"Yeah. When you told me about all that stuff last year… I was hurt at first. That you didn't think I'd accept that."

"I know."

"But that was my fault. Not yours."

"I did keep my relationship with your brother a secret."

"Yeah. But even so… It was never about me. I needed to see that. I just…"

"You're not sure he will?"

"Maybe." That's part of it. Guys can get really defensive. And I love that. I love the idea that Hunter would punch the asshole who hurt me. That he'd do anything to protect me. But—"I don't want him to see me differently."

"Why would he?"

"He's going to think I'm a victim."

"Do you?"

"No… I don't know…" Sometimes. But I hate that word. I hate the sympathy and vulnerability that come with it. I hate everything about it.

"You get to define who you are, Em."

"Yeah, but I can't control what he thinks."

She nods. "You trust him?"

I nod. "I want to tell him… I think I have to." My fingers dig into the ceramic. "Sex isn't the same."

"Not good?"

"No. It's good. But I… it's around the edges. When we were…" I clear my throat. "He got aggressive."

"Yeah?" Her voice is soft. Caring.

It's like her.

But I hate it.

"Can you say something dirty about it?" I tap my toes against the tile floor. "Please?"

"Aggressive how? Like grabbing you? Or spankings? Or fucking your mouth?"

"Oh my God. Mental images!"

"Because that can be really hot."

"Ew."

"If he's holding you in place and—"

"Oh my God, stop." I make a point of covering my ears.

But she doesn't. "And he's going so deep you can barely take it. Staring at you with this intense look that screams you're mine."

Disgusting.

So disgusting.

But exactly what I need to hear to make this better.

"He was pushing the back of my head," I say.

She tries to keep it light. "Hot."

But my head won't go there. "Yeah. It was. But then, it was like… I could just feel his hands and I… I had to stop it."

"Did he—"

"He did. He was cool about it. Like it was just a preference. But then… I don't know. He must know something is up."

"It's yours to tell."

"Yeah. But… I… I want to fuck him so badly."

"I get that."

My gaze shifts to my wedges. "I'm not sure I can."

"You don't have to do it now."

"I do."

She laughs. "You can wait."

"Yeah…"

"Or tell him what to expect."

I shake my head.

"Seems like it's waiting then."

My nose scrunches.

She laughs.

"Can we be done talking about this?"

She nods.

"Tell me about your trip."

"I'm going to mention how much my parents cunt-blocked us."

"Oh my God, Kay, I swear… Since when do you say cunt?"

"Since your brother."

"When… you know, I don't want to know."

"I wasn't going to tell you."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, I mean… if you want to know that badly." Her smile is sweet.

It feels good, having her in my corner.

But thinking about telling Hunter.

About not knowing how he'll take it—

That's fucking terrifying.