When I step out of the tent, fully dressed, the men that were gathered around give me a round of applause. I force a smile and wave like it doesn’t bother me, but I can feel the heat escaping my face from embarrassment and anger.

I take a seat next to River as he pulls the food off the fire. “You’re so dead.”

He looks at me with his mouth agape. “What? I didn’t plan for that to happen.”

“Mm-hmm. I think you owe me something.”

He hands over my plate that I sit in my lap. I don’t move to eat it until he opens his mouth to talk.

“What was the question? How do I know so much about camping?”

I nod slowly while bringing a piece of bacon to my mouth.

He takes a deep breath. “I know a lot about camping because I used to be homeless. After my mom passed away and before I managed to get a job in advertising, I lived just like this.” He motions towards our camp.

I swallow before dropping my bacon on my plate. “How’d you manage to get a job like that if you were homeless?”

“Pure fucking luck,” he answers around a mouthful of bacon. He finishes chewing and swallows. “I bumped into this guy one night, and he was fucked up. He said he had only had a few drinks, but someone must have slipped him something. That or he was lying. Either way, I didn’t care. I drove his car to his house and helped him get inside. I was going to leave, but he got sick and I was worried he was going to choke to death on his own vomit.” He shrugs. “So I stayed and cleaned him up, made sure he didn’t die. The next morning, he was so thankful, he offered me a job and a place to stay until I saved up enough money.”

“Wow. That’s crazy.” I resume eating.

He nods. “Yeah, he was a great guy. We got to be really good friends over the six months I lived there.”

“What happened to him? Is he still a big-wig in New York?”

Slowly, he shakes his head. “No, he O.D’d. He was living alone because he was going through a divorce. His wife packed up their two kids and moved out of the state without even telling him. He just came home one day, and they were gone. Left a fucking note.” His jaw clenches in anger. “Anyway, he was severely depressed and drank and did a lot of drugs to cope. He lived for work, and once we became friends, he got better. We hung out a lot and kept each other’s mind off shit, but I never should have moved out. Leaving him alone with his demons like that…” He pulls his eyes away from mine, looking into the fire. “It just ate him alive. I wasn’t there to stop it that time.”

What’s left of my heart explodes into so many tiny pieces, there’s nothing but dust left.

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” I feel tears sting my eyes, but I hold them back. I wish I could have made his life better for him. He’s helped me so much since Katie’s passing. I wonder if he saw something in me that day, something that reminded him of his friend. I want to ask, but I don’t know if I can stand to talk about it anymore. I know it will only hurt him.

“It’s okay. I did all I could. I didn’t know he would start using. I mean, we drank and had a good time on occasion, but he’d never do drugs, that I saw.” His eyes find mine again. “I couldn’t have lived there forever.”

I nod, completely understanding.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t thank him though. He saved me from the streets, he brought me into his house, just a random homeless guy. For all he knew, I could have stolen all his shit. But he trusted me. He gave me a job. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him.”

“He was your Katie,” I say, looking at him from under my lashes.

“He was my Katie,” he repeats with a wink in my direction.

* * *

Once we pile everything back into the car, I dig my list out and cross off ‘go skinny dipping’. My face flushes again just from thinking about the embarrassing mishap.

It’s still early, so the heat of the day hasn’t set in yet. I roll my window down and crank the music. Howlin’ for You by The Black Keys plays loudly over the speakers. I look at River and see him mouthing the words along with the song. I smile, getting to see him so happy and carefree makes my heart flutter.

I lean the seat back just a bit and close my eyes while the warm morning air blows through the car and through my mess of long, dark hair.

River reaches over and takes my hand in his. He lifts it up and presses a kiss on the top before letting it fall beside me. I smile at him without opening my eyes, knowing that he saw it. This trip is doing things to me I never expected. The more I learn about him, the more I fall in love with him.

My eyes pop open as that thought crosses my mind.

“What’s the matter?” he asks over the music.

“Nothing.” I act like nothing is wrong, but something is wrong. I’m falling in love with this guy. How could that have happened? The last thing I knew, he annoyed me and was driving me up the fucking wall.

I know I let my guard down just to see what happened between us, but I never in a million fucking years expected this.

This can’t be happening. I mean, in a perfect world we would take this trip together, fall madly in love and never look back. But in this world, the one where the people you love and care about the most are stolen from you, it doesn’t work like that. I can see it play out now: I fall in love, he takes whatever he wants from me, when we get back home, he acts like nothing happened, and then he’s gone. Leaving me alone with a completely mangled heart.

I have to get a grip on whatever this is I’m feeling. It can’t be love, it can’t be. Maybe I’m just clinging to him because of the massive hole inside of me from losing Katie. Maybe, it’s just friendship mixed with the attraction I feel for him. Whatever it is, needs to be figured out soon and stopped. At least until we have some clarity and can talk about what this means to the both of us.

I take a deep breath to calm myself and look at him. He’s driving, completely lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t see the little mental freak out I just had.

I adjust my seat back into the sitting position and pick up the notebook to write to Katie.

I close the book and tuck it away in my purse. I’m still thinking about what these feeling are when River’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

“So what’s the plan when we get to Miami?”

I almost jump from the silence being suddenly broken. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s going to get pretty expensive staying in a hotel every night. Were you planning on renting an apartment or something?”

“Oh. I have no idea. I was just focusing on getting there.”

Instead of being annoyed that I dropped the ball, he lets out a deep laugh.

“I’ll start looking for something.” I pull out my phone and look at places to rent for the summer.

* * *

By night fall, we still haven’t made it out of Texas. We find a motel for the night and as soon as we walk in the door, I call the shower.

I drop my bag on the bed as I pass by and go directly to the bathroom. I feel nasty after camping last night without a shower, plus my plunge into the lake didn’t help matters any.

I’m also looking forward to a little alone time. I need to sort through my feelings. Everything feels so right, but also completely fucked. I feel like I’ve been setting myself up for heartache this whole time.

I turn the shower on as hot as it will go and step beneath the stream. I let the water flow over my hair and body before turning around and resting my head against the shower wall.

“What’s the matter?” River says from behind me.

I jump and spin around. “Fuck. Why do you keep doing this to me?” I’m feeling too much emotion. I’m needing space, time to sort through everything going on inside my head.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, confused.

“Getting in the shower with me when I didn’t invite you. I mean, is a little alone time too much to ask for?”

He looks like I’ve slapped him in the face as he holds his hands up in defeat. “I’m sorry. I thought after all we’ve been through it wasn’t that big of a deal.” He opens the door and steps out.

The bathroom door slams closed and I jump like it just hit me in the heart. In a way, I guess it kind of did.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I shouldn’t have been angry with him. I think I’m letting everything pile up on top of me and it’s beginning to weigh me down again. I need to talk to him, tell him this wasn’t his fault.

I turn off the shower and wrap a towel around me. When I walk back into the room, he’s nowhere to be found.

I feel my shoulders slump with disappointment. Great, now look what I’ve done.

Pushing it all from my mind, I walk back into the bathroom and finish with my shower. When I’m done, he still isn’t back. I pull on a pair of jeans and a tank top, leaving my wet hair hanging down my back, and walk out. I need to find him. I have to tell him that I’m sorry, that none of this is his fault.

I remember seeing a bar only a block down the road. I’ll try there first.

When I walk in, loud music pumps through the bar. The bass is so loud I can feel it vibrating through my chest. I squeeze through the crowd and look over every face I pass. I walk by the bar, but he’s not sitting on a stool. I start my journey deeper into the building.

At the back of the bar is a small stage with three poles in the center. There are two girls up, swinging around, but no exotic dancers, thank God.

I push through until I see him out of the corner of my eye. He’s sitting in the darkened corner booth. The multicolored lights flash over his face and his dark eyes meet mine. They are cold and unmoving, instantly sending a chill through me.

I take a deep breath and push on. I freeze when I see his arm wrapped around the back of the booth with a blonde on each side of him. He’s not touching them, or even looking at them, but they are eating him with their eyes.

I angrily stomp over to him. “What are you doing? Why’d you leave?”

He looks at each girl next to him and gives me his cocky grin. “You didn’t want me around.” He shrugs carelessly. “Figured I’d find someone who does. And what do you know?” He leans forward, the grin never leaving his lips. “I found two.”

“Find your own way home, pig.” I turn on my heels and walk away from him.

I mean to leave, but I’m so angry I can’t. I need a drink. I know it’s going to go one of two ways. It will make me numb and help me forget, or it will intensify everything and make me pissed. But right now, I’m willing to take my chances because I haven’t even allowed myself to love him yet, and already I hurt.

I take a seat on the barstool and order the largest Long Island Iced Tea they have. Luckily for me, they have fishbowl style drinks.

The bartender places my drink in front of me with four straws. I hand him some money, and grab three straws and toss them on the bar.

My lips don’t leave the straw as I sit and stew in my anger. But slowly, over the course of an hour of continuous drinking, everything falls away.

It’s going on midnight when a loud voice booms through the bar. “Please welcome Kandi, Mindi, and Lilli!”

The bar goes completely dark before a bright, white light pops on, pointing directly at the stage. Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard blares through the speakers as three women take to the stage.

The crowd goes wild with cheers as they stand by their poles. Suddenly, they all break out in a dance routine that consists of spinning around, humping the floor, and removing articles of clothing.

I watch completely mystified. How do these women do it? How do you have enough self-esteem to get up there in front of all these people and dance around while naked? And how the fuck do they make it look so easy?

It occurs to me that River is probably in heaven right now. I spin and look in his direction. Before the large crowd was blocking my view of him, but now they are all pushed closer to the stage, clearing the way.

My eyes land on him, and he’s not moving or talking. He’s just watching me while the women on his side chatter away with each other. His arms are no longer outstretched behind them either. They appear to be sitting in his lap, still as a statue.

The fact that he’s not touching them and they’re not touching him makes me feel a little better, but him being over there with them still makes me as jealous as can be.

I spin around in my anger and down some more of my drink as another dance starts up.

“Hey!” I yell at the bartender once my drink is almost completely gone.

“I can’t serve you another one of those,” he says automatically when he sees my empty drink with only one straw.

I giggle and shake my head. “No. How can I do that?” I ask, pointing towards the stage.

“You want to dance?” His voice is full of surprise.

“Yeah. I need to actually.”

He looks me up and down. “Fill out this waiver and let me copy your license.”

“Really? That easy?”

He nods. “We go through a lot of girls. I’ve shortened the employment questions,” he says with a smile.

Sounds legit.

I slide over my license and start filling out the paper. When he brings it back to me, he asks, “What’s your stage name?”

I didn’t think about that part. “River,” I answer. I know the announcer saying his name will make him pay attention. It’s my turn to make him jealous.

He sticks out his bottom lip and shrugs. “Alright. The ladies dressing room is straight back that way. I’ll turn your name into the announcer. Any song you have in mind?”

Song. Song. What’s a good stripping song? I shrug. “Surprise me.”

I hop off the barstool and my vision blurs. I sure am glad I’m drunk right now because I’d never do this if I wasn’t. But it’s something I need to do. I need to cross it off.

I stumble into the changing room to find a bunch of naked women.

A red head stands up right. “Did Mick hire a newbie already? Fuck, Tiffini just quit not even an hour ago.”

“I’m not hired. I’m just checking something off my bucket list.”

They all laugh or smile with curious and suddenly friendly eyes.

The red head walks over to me. “You need something to wear?”

I look at my jeans and tank top. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Come with me.” She leads me to the back of the room where a large wall is covered with a curtain. She pulls it back, revealing the ‘uniforms.’

“You’re kind of late so all the good ones are probably taken, but I’m sure we can find you something.”

She pulls out a school girl uniform: a short, white, collared shirt, a tiny, plaid skirt, and a red sting bikini underneath it.

“I have the white stockings and heels if you want.” She hands over the skimpy outfit.

“That would be great. Thanks!” I smile wide, completely confused as to why.

This isn’t something I want to do. Or is it?

Oh fuck it. Why even bother trying to figure out these emotions anymore?

I pull on the uniform that barely covers my ass and put on the heels. The girls make a fuss, pretending like I’m their personal Barbie. They deck me out in full on makeup and body glitter. I cringe when they rub the glitter over my skin and have second thoughts. I hate glitter with a passion.

Refusing to look at myself in the mirror, I push the feeling of wanting to vomit down and give myself a mental pep talk.

You can do this. Do it to get back at River. Do it for the list and Katie. No, do it for yourself. Put yourself out there, try new things. Live!

“You’re up, sugar,” the redhead says as the three girls, from the stage, rush into the dressing room, covering their bodies with the clothes they have shed.

“Everyone welcome the pretty Rivverr,” Comes the announcement and I freeze.

The music starts up to Believer by Imagine Dragons. If I wasn’t so nervous, I’d laugh at the song choice.

My hair is still down, but now that it has air dried, it hangs around me in loose curls. I use it to hide as much of my face as I can. I walk to the center pole and grab hold, not daring to look at River straight away.

I have no idea what to do, so I allow myself to loosen up and swing around it. As I feel more at ease, I look to my left where River is no longer sitting with the women, but standing at the side of the stage, watching with amusement and a smile playing on his lips.

I swing around the pole and dance to the song, but not as graphically as the other women did. I don’t even know how to move like that. I figure as long as I lose some clothes, nobody will be complaining.

I offer a naughty grin as my fingers go to the buttons on my shirt, slowly unbuttoning each one as the crowd gets louder and louder. When the shirt is off, revealing my red, shiny bikini top, I drop the shirt onto the stage.

I do the same routine until I’m in nothing but the G-string. Ever so slowly, I peel them from my body and sling them at River just as the song wraps us.

The place goes dark as I make my way off stage in a hurry.

When I push through the door, I’m filled with nerves and excitement. I’m completely out of my element and loving the high it’s giving me.

I pull my clothes back on and toss the ‘uniform’ into the dirty bin before telling the lady that helped me thank you.

I don’t know what River is going to say or if he’s still mad at me, but I don’t stick around to find out. I make a bee-line for the door.

I walk as quickly as I can and don’t stop or look behind me until I’m back in the motel room alone.