We walk across the street and pay for one night in the motel. I don’t know where all my luck has gone, because out of this whole motel in this tiny, little town, the only room available had only one double bed. That means we both have to sleep in the same bed. I keep reminding myself that we have had sex twice now, but sleeping together, actually sleeping together feels too intimate.

River grabs both our bags out of the trunk while I unlock the door with an old school key. I open the door and flick on the light, the room fills up with a soft glow. But I’d rather have it dark so I didn’t have to see the dirty, outdated room.

I feel my shoulders fall as River comes up behind me. “It’s not bad,” he says as he steps past me, dropping our bags on the floor and plopping down on the bed, the rusted, metal springs squeaking under his weight.

I feel my nose crinkle up.

He reads my expression. “It’s only one night. It can’t be that bad.”

“Do you live in a barn or something? This room is horrible.” I sit down in the chair in the corner.

I look around at the flattened brown carpet that is covered in stains. My eyes drift up to the old TV with bunny ears in front of the green, quilt covered bed. There are small wall lights that hang on either side of the bed, and two ratty old night stands.

“No, I live in the city, in a studio apartment.”

“You really don’t think this room is that bad?”

He purses his lips together and shakes his head. “Na, what’s so bad about it? It has a bed to sleep in, a TV to watch, and a bathroom.”

Oh, God. The bathroom. I didn’t even think of that. I jump up and walk around the bed to the bathroom door. With a surge of bravery, I push the door open and flip the switch. A bright light fills the small space as my eyes adjust.

It’s just as outdated as the rest of the room, but at least it’s clean. The tiled walls are multiple shades of brown, and the handles on the old pedestal sink are rusted, but I don’t see any used condoms or body hair attacking every surface. I let out a sigh of relief as I walk back into the room.

I stand at River’s side. “Stand up.”

He looks up at me with confusion written on his face. “Why?” he asks, but stands anyway.

I reach down and pull back the quilt, examining the sheets for any stains. No way can I sleep on someone else’s bodily fluids. The sheets are crisp and white, free of any marks or holes.

“Do you feel better now?” he asks. I can hear the smirk I know is on his face.

I turn to look at him. “You may sit back down now.”

He flops back onto the bed while I grab my bag and rifle through it. I grab some fresh clothes and spin around. “I’m taking a shower.”

I turn on the shower and step under the stream of hot water. My back is sore from sitting in the car all day, and the heat of the water helps to soothe it. I rub my neck, trying to work out the knots.

Once I’m convinced the knots in my muscles are just a permanent part of me now, I use the shampoo provided and lather up my hair.

I’m just about to step out when I feel a cool gust of wind blow behind me. I twist around to see River.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I try hiding all my girlie bits.

His eyes go wide with alarm. “What? I need a shower too.”

I push against his chest as I step out and wrap a towel around me. “We,” I motion between us, “are not a couple!” I hold my towel tight around me. “Couples take showers together. We just…” I hold my hand up at my side and let it fall, it slaps off my thigh. “We just have sex on occasion and annoy one another.”

He holds the shower curtain open, not ashamed of the full frontal view he’s giving me as he grins, fucking grins. He shrugs one shoulder. “I thought this could be one of those occasions you speak of.”

I practically growl as I grab my clothes and leave the bathroom. Stepping into the other room, I dress quickly and rake a brush through my dark hair, seething. How dare he even think he can get in the shower with me? In what world is it okay to just jump in the shower with someone when you’re not invited?

Maybe I’m giving him mixed signals. But I don’t mean to. Yes, I kissed him first, and yes, I guess I was the one to initiate sex, but that was supposed to be a random, one-time thing. Then, when he showed up and I kissed that guy in the bar, I was so high off my excitement and our kiss on the street corner, I threw caution to the wind. I never should have slept with him a second time. But my body wants him more than anything. I couldn’t help the jealously when it came to that waitress. God, what is wrong with me? I cannot be falling for this guy.

I should keep my distance. I won’t allow myself to think of his rock hard body, the way he can manipulate mine, or the earth shattering orgasms I’ve had at his hands. From now on, he’s just a friend. A friend I’m not attracted to at all. That’s all it is anyway: attraction. I’m not in love with him. He drives me completely fucking crazy.

I slide into bed and watch the black and white movie playing on the TV, but I’m not really watching it. I’m thinking about what I have gotten myself into.

Remembering to text my mom, I type out a quick message, telling her where I am and that I’m safe for the night before turning my phone off and dropping it onto the table. I settle back into bed.

The bathroom door suddenly opens and he walks into the room in his white boxer briefs. His strong chest is still slightly damp and it glistens with the soft glow of the room. As he passes in front of the TV, his whole body is fully visible, and my eyes skim down his six pack to that V that points right to his dick. I have no idea what that part of the body is called, but fuck my life, it does things to me it shouldn’t.

Feeling extra irritated with myself, I roll my eyes as he walks closer to me. He struts his shit like a damn runway model, demanding my attention. He slides into bed next to me and the smell of his body-wash and shampoo sends a tingling fire from my stomach to directly between my legs.

“God, don’t you have clothes?”

He turns to give me his cocky grin. “What’s the matter, princess? Are you afraid you won’t be able to keep your hands off me?”

I scoff. “Hardly.”

“Well then my nearly naked appearance shouldn’t bother you.” He raises his arms, placing them behind his head, elevating him enough to watch TV.

His scent washes over me again, strong and powerful. I breathe it in deeply, letting it take me back to that first night in the alley. I think about the way he held me firmly in his hands, the way he’d drilled into me hard and forceful, his cocky grin that pisses me off and turns me on at the same time, and I can feel the wetness pooling between my thighs.

I keep my eyes on the TV, refusing to do anything about my urges. There is seriously something wrong with me. I’ve never wanted a guy this much. Even the guys I dated before didn’t have this much control over me with something as simple as their presence.

My heart pounds wildly in my ears and my flesh becomes sticky as my blood pressure rises, but I don’t dare look at him.

I let out a long breath. “I need a drink.” I cover my eyes with my forearm.

“Lucky for you I don’t go anywhere without my flask.” He stands and reaches into his bag. He pulls out the shiny metal flask and uncaps it. He takes a drink before handing it over. As I’m lying on my side, I prop my head up with my hand and take a drink. The warm alcohol pours into my mouth, burning its way down. It sets in my belly, warming it even more.

In an attempt to talk to keep my mind off what his body is doing to mine, I say, “I know nothing about you. Where are you from? Where do you work?”

He takes the flask and takes a sip. “I’m from New York. I just moved to the city about a month ago. In New York, I was in advertising, but I hated it. It was suffocating.”

“What do you mean?”

He looks at me and thinks it over for a minute. “Did you ever hear the saying, leave your work at work?”

“Of course.”

“That wasn’t possible with advertising. It was all I thought about. All day at work we would create ads and try to figure out how to market whatever product we were working on. But when I was off work, all I saw was advertising. Most people tend to overlook the billboards, the posters plastered all over the walls of the subway, the advertisements on the sides of buses, but I couldn’t. When I saw an ad, I wondered who created it, what made them think up that concept, how I could make it better. It was exhausting.”

“I can honestly say that I’ve never given it much thought.”

“Exactly. I worked myself to the bone and for what? So people like you could totally overlook all my hard work.”

“I’m sorry,” I begin, but he cuts me off.

“No. I didn’t mean it like that. It was all just too impersonal. Everyone was doing the same things. It was like one person would come up with a good concept, and when everyone saw how well it was working, they would copy it. It just wasn’t worth the annoyance anymore.”

“So what? You just packed your bags and moved to California?”

He nods. “Basically. I wanted to get out of New York. I wanted to find myself, I guess.”

“And have you found yourself?” I look up to meet his dark eyes.

“I’m starting to.” His face is serious, but he has an easiness about him.

“How old are you, River?”

“Twenty-five,” he answers.

“I’m only twenty-three, and I think you’re already doing way better than I am. I haven’t even had a career yet.”

He looks deep into my eyes, causing my heart to jump up to my throat. “Why not? What did you go to college for?”

I take the flask from his hand and take another sip as I shrug. “I don’t know. I just don’t know what I want to do. I was the same way when I graduated high school, so I never went to college. What are you planning on doing since you’re giving up advertising?”

He thinks it over for a quick second. “I don’t know. I didn’t have a plan when I moved here. I just want to find something that I love to do, something that won’t slowly steal pieces of my soul.”

Our eyes are locked together and my lips part with my heavy breathing. He looks down at my mouth before wetting his lips. Slowly, he leans in, pressing his soft, hot mouth to mine.

With the closeness of our conversation, I can’t deny him what he’s demanding. I simply can’t. I don’t know why, but despite all my earlier reserve, I want to give him all of me.

I tangle my fingers into his wet, blond hair and pull it gently while his lips and tongue move with mine. He rolls towards me, placing his hand on my jaw, his long fingers wrapping around the back of my neck as he holds me to him.

A soft whimper escapes me. He’s moving so slow and cautiously, I can’t keep it in. I feel him harden against my outer thigh, and my muscles tense with anticipation.

Without breaking the kiss, he places himself between my parted legs, pressing right where I need him to. His hand snakes up under my shirt, and he palms my breast while teasing my taut nipple.

The way his body feels against mine is nothing short of euphoric. He knows all the right places to touch to have me busting at the seams. Every inch of my skin craves this man: his touch, his taste, him.

He grinds against me in a rhythm that has me wanting to push him off so I can slide down his hard length. I’m dripping with need, and I haven’t even lost an article of clothing yet. Our limbs are tangled together as our hands rush around one another’s bodies unabashedly. I’m no longer trying to convince myself I don’t want him. I’m trying to remember why I didn’t want him in the first place because right now, he’s all I want. He’s strong and hard, and the way he’s kissing me has me seeing stars.

His hands slide my sweat pants and panties down my legs, and my shirt has long ago been pushed up to reveal my breasts. While his hands and mouth work me over, he continues to grind against me. I can feel my wetness soaking his boxers.

“You’re always so fucking wet for me,” he nearly growls as he strips his now wet underwear off his hips.

His lips crash with mine again, and with nothing between us, his thick cock presses right where it needs to. With one roll of his hips, he could be deep inside me. I waggle myself against him eagerly, hoping he enters me, even if it’s just a little. I need relief from this pressure that’s building up inside of me.

“Do you want me inside you, princess?” His voice is thick and rough, filled with need and determination.

“Yes,” I practically pant out.

He’s holding himself up by his elbows on either side of me as he looks down with his cocky grin. “Say it. I want to hear how badly you want me inside of you.” His lips find my neck where he kisses and nibbles on the sensitive skin, further teasing me. His hard cock slides between my slick folds, causing a jolt of passion to run through me. Just when I think he’s going to push inside me, he pulls away, only to repeat the process again.

“I want you inside of me. Now!”

He pulls his lips away from my neck. “That’s all you had to say, sweetheart.” Without regard, he thrusts into me deeply, making me call out and dig my nails into the skin of his back. He pulls out before sliding back in with powerful thrusts that push me up the bed. He’s so big and hard, he completely fills every inch of me. The sudden fullness hurts, but in an absolutely pleasurable way.

His hands grip my hips, holding me so he can thrust even deeper. My eyes open to see his sculpted muscles flexing and moving while he owns me in every way possible. Our breathing is loud and erratic while our bodies get what they want. My toes go numb as my release builds higher and higher until I break around him.

When I come down from my high, he pulls out of me and turns me over, grabbing me by my hips and lifting me onto all fours. “I hope you didn’t think I was done with you yet,” he growls, sliding back into me. It feels like he’s even bigger and going deeper in this position. I grasp the pillows firmly as the sound of our skin slapping and the bed squeaking fills the room.

The headboard begins banging off the wall every time he pushes back into me. I tighten myself around him, preparing to be ripped apart with another orgasm when he says, “touch yourself. I’m going to come and I can’t stop it. Finish with me.”

His movements never slow as I reach between my legs and circle the hard nub that surges with pleasure with every little touch. Every muscle in my body tenses even harder with my hand rubbing over my sensitive sex and him filling me. We both let out a moan of pleasure as our orgasms rush over us. I’m convulsing around him, milking him for every last drop.

He thrusts forward with a final shudder, before we both collapse, tangled together.

All I can hear is my heart pounding away like a jackhammer. My lungs burn, needing more oxygen, but I can’t seem to get enough. Sweat clings to my body like a second skin as we lie together in the mess of sheets.

He rolls to his side to look at me, placing his hand on my jaw again. “Stop denying that you have no claim to me and just fucking admit you want me as badly as I want you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He stands and walks to the bathroom, leaving me looking after him, wondering if he’s right.

Should I just give up on trying to keep some distance between us? It seemed like an impossible task anyway. Maybe I should relax and just let whatever happens, happen.

But falling for this guy could really break me. Can I handle that on top of just losing my best friend? I’m sure there is only so much heartbreak a person can take, and I’m not the strongest person to begin with. There’s always been something broken about me, can I handle more pain, more loss?

I pull the blanket around me and roll over to face the wall. My eyes flutter closed as my heart rate slows.

I’m almost asleep when he walks back into the room, crawling into bed behind me. He slides his left arm up under my pillow and pulls me against his chest while wrapping his right arm around my middle. His heat and scent flow over me like a soothing blanket, and I drift off into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

I wake in the morning to an empty bed. I wonder where he went, but don’t worry long. I decide to slip into the shower to wake up.

When I step out, I dry off and pull on some clothes before walking back out into the room. River is unloading a brown, paper bag onto the bed.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to go back over to that restaurant, so I ran over and got us breakfast.”

I smile from his sweet gesture. “Thank you.” I sit on the bed and he hands me a cup of coffee. I take a sip and the sweet mixture warms my throat.

“I didn’t know what you wanted to eat, so I just got us both breakfast sandwiches.”

“That’s perfect. Thanks.”

He sits down beside me and hands me a wrapped sandwich. There’s an odd feeling that settles over me. Sitting here next to him in such an intimate setting, feeling like a normal couple, sets my skin on fire. Just yesterday I was trying to deny these feelings, and to be honest, I don’t even know what these feelings are. I’ve never been in love. I’d had feelings for Nick at one point in time, but as time went by, we drifted apart before we ever really got close.

Love doesn’t happen this fast, does it? I need to know someone to love them, get to know their dreams and wants, get to know their soul, right?

“What are you thinking so hard about?” His voice cuts right through the silence and my inner turmoil.

I shake my head with a mouth full of food.

He sets his sandwich down and dusts the crumbs off his hands. “Are you having doubts?”

My eyes cut to him. “Doubts about what? The trip?”

He shakes his head slowly, looking a little nervous.

I know what he means now, doubts about us. I place my sandwich on my lap. “You mean about us?”

He nods, placing his elbows on his knees and leaning over, hanging his head like he’s waiting for the ball to drop.

“River, I’m not doubting us because to me, there is no us to doubt. I don’t know what we have. I’m confused. I have these feelings for you that I shouldn’t have yet. I barely know you.”

He turns to me, placing his hands on either side of my face while his eyes bore into mine. “How does it feel when we touch? When I kiss you, you don’t pull away like you would with a complete stranger. There is an us. You just need to drop what society finds acceptable, because I belonged to you the moment your lips brushed against mine, when I didn’t know any more than your name.”

I not only hear his words, but I feel them too. They pool around me, seeping in through every crack in my shattered mindset. Having such strong feelings for this man so soon, may not be right by society’s standards, but it’s completely right for me. It’s not perfect and it doesn’t make any sense, but right now, he is exactly what I need.

I move my lips to his and plant a soft kiss against them. “You’re right. Katie always said I needed to loosen up. What we have, it may not make sense, but it does feel right.”

He moves to the floor on his knees, kneeling in front of me. His strong hands cup my face. “So let’s get on with this trip and forget about society for a while.” His lips land on mine firmly, full of assurance. He kisses me until I’m breathless and blinded by passion. When he pulls away and looks into my eyes with his ocean blue ones, my entire body erupts in tingles. I’m not ever going to get enough of him. He’s cocky and self-assured, but he also reassures me and challenges me. Something I need more of with Katie gone.

His lips are red and glistening from our kiss. They’re so warm and inviting. I want more, but I shake away the overwhelming need to be touched by him.

“Are you ready to pick up where we left off?”

I nod, still completely breathless from the kiss and the intense emotions that have been wreaking havoc on my fragile mind.

He stands and holds out his hand. I place mine in his and he pulls me up from the bed, my chest smashing against his as he holds me close.

His breath blows across my face as he says, “let’s go.”

* * *

An hour later, we’re back in the car, zooming down the interstate. I sit back letting the wind blow through my hair while River drives. The radio is up loud, blaring Ho Hey by The Lumineers, and I feel completely carefree as I sing along with the song.

Every now and then I catch him watching me from the corner of his eye before offering up a smirk. I poke his side as I sing the lyrics even louder. He laughs, making his blue eyes shine as he shakes his head at me.

I half way crawl into the backseat, riffling through his bag until I pull out the flask he’d produced on the day we met. He smacks me on the ass and I yelp. I take my seat next to him and show it to him. He waggles his eyebrows while his eyes rake over my body.

I feel my face flush under his stare, but I uncap the flask and take a long swallow. The familiar liquid burns my throat and warms a trail all the way down to my stomach.

He keeps looking at me, and I can’t stop looking at him. He causes these feelings inside of me I’ve never felt before. For the first time in a long time, in this moment, I’m happy. I know Katie is smiling down on me. This list is doing everything she hoped it would. I’m stepping out of the shadows little by little. I’m having fun, and trying new things. And it’s a fucking blast.