As the summer goes by, River and I only get closer. And with each passing day, I’m that much closer to admitting how I feel about him. I still haven’t let myself say the words, but they are on my tongue, waiting to break free.

We only have a week left here in Miami before we have to start our journey back to California. We’ve managed to mark almost everything off the list including, get a haircut I’d never get. My hair that has always hung to my waist has now been lopped off to my shoulders. I thought I was going to cry when she was cutting it, but by the end of it, I was in love. It’s smooth and sleek now, and doesn’t require a small army to tame and keep in place.

Katie was right about one thing, this has been the best summer of my life, other than losing her.

I’ve kept in contact with my parents. I talk to them most days, and my mom has been making sure my rent is paid so I still have an apartment when I get home. She doesn't know anything about River though. I had a feeling she would freak out if she found out I was traveling across the country with a guy I didn't know.

River has promised me a special night tonight and I’m a little nervous because I have no idea what he has in store. Every day with him is special, but he promised me it’s something I won’t ever forget.

I’m sitting in the kitchen, writing another letter to Katie when he walks in. I close the notebook that’s nearly full now with letters to her.

“Are you ready?”

“Already? I didn’t think we were going until later?” I replace the cap on my pen before standing.

“Nope. This is check off day!” He pulls me against his chest.

“What’s check off day?” I look up at him and see a gleam reflecting in his eyes.

“The day we check everything else off that list, all in one day.” He looks completely carefree and happy. It warms every part of me.

“Seriously? You think we can do the rest all in one day?”

“If we hurry.” He takes my hand and pulls me towards the door.

“Where are we going first?” I ask him as I drive down the road.

“Turn here,” he directs, pointing right.

I turn and follow along with his directions until he tells me to stop at a house. “Where are we?”

“I just met this guy. His name is Dave. Anyway, he’s having a house party and guess what he has.”

I feel my face wrinkle up as I look at the run down house with the grass growing up and trash overflowing from the garbage can that’s still on the curb. There are used tires stacked up at the corner of his garage, bikes leaning against the front of the house, and a porch that seems to be a catch all for anything he can’t fit inside his house. “A hoarding problem?”

He laughs. “No, a keg. You can do your keg stand.”

“Oh, great," I say not all that excited about a keg stand. Compared to the other things I have checked off, this one is boring.

River leads me to the door and knocks before a big man wearing a white tank top answers. He’s completely covered in tattoos, even his bald head. He reaches out his hand. “River! Glad to see ya bro.” The guys shake hands. “And I’m glad you got your girl to come with you.” He opens the door and lets us in.

“River told me all about your bucket list and I think it’s great,” he says as he leads us through the dirty house and out to the back yard.

“Here is it.” Dave motions toward the keg. “Mark it off. Get your pretty ass up there.”

I feel my face flush. “I have no idea how to do this.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll help you out.” He gets behind me and pushes me a couple steps closer. “Put each hand on the side of the keg,” he directs.

I’m nervous but do as he tells me.

“River is going to get one leg and I’m going to get the other. The only thing you have to remember is to keep your arms locked. You don’t want to land on your face.”

“What?” I ask just as the guys lift my legs up. I scream, but before I know it, I’m upside down.

“Are you ready, babe?” River ask me as he raises the tap to my mouth.

I nod and open up. He pulls the trigger and beer floods into my mouth quicker than I can swallow it down. I choke and sputter until I get the hang of it.

Just as I feel like I might pass out from the blood rushing my head, the guys let me down, setting me on my feet.

Suddenly, I realize why people do this. The beer I drank feels like it has an instant effect. My head spins and my eyes blur.

River grabs me up in a bear hug and spins me around, cheering. When he puts my feet on the ground, I wander off to the privacy fence and release every last drop of beer from my body.

“Oh,” Dave says. I can tell by his muffled tone that he’s covering his mouth.

When my stomach is emptied, I walk back over to them and hold out my hand. “I’m Jovi.”

“Dave,” he says, shaking my hand.

“Thanks for the use of your keg and I’m sorry about barfing in your yard, but I think I’m going to go. I’m not feeling very well.” Without waiting for a word from him, I walk back through the house and out to the car.

River comes chasing me out. “Are you okay?”

I nod while rubbing my head. “You really shouldn’t have spun me around. I was already dizzy.”

He lets out a small, embarrassed laugh, realizing his mistake. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Do you forgive me?”

I pull out the list and mark it off. “I guess. But now you have to tell me something.”

He starts the car and starts off to our next destination. “What?”

"What are your plans when we get back home?" I don't look at him. I can't. I'm too nervous about his answer.

I can feel him watching me. "The first thing I'm going to do is get a driver’s license."

I can't hold in my laugh.

"Then I'm going to drive over to your place and never leave. I hope you're okay with that. You're stuck with me." He grins making his eyes light up.

I feel something flutter in my chest, a feeling I've never felt before. "Okay, but you're going to have to get a job. We can't both be unemployed."

His deep, sexy laugh fills the car. "We’re a fucking mess, you know that?"

I nod with a smile. "I know. But I'd rather be a mess with you than put together with anyone else."

He leans over and kisses me breathless. "Let's go get this list done."

Soon after leaving the run down house, we're pulling up to some kind of amusement park. "What are we doing here? This isn't on the list."

He shuts off the car and removes his seatbelt. "I know, but bungee jump is." His eyes fill with excitement as he flashes me a wicked smile.

I clap my hands together as I bounce up and down in my seat. "I've always really wanted to do this but I was always too scared. It will be so much fun jumping together." I swing open the car door and climb out.

"Wait! Jovi, no!" He rushes to my side. "This one's just for you."

"Oh, no. If I go, you go!" I grab his hand and lead him to the gates.

We stand in line for what feels like three hours. But we're finally up next.

"Jovi, I seriously can't do this one.” His voice is laced with nerves.

I turn to look at his pale face. "Are you afraid of heights?"

He swallows, a lump forming in his neck. "I can't do it. I'll tell ya what. How about neither of us do it and you just mark it off?"

"What? No! That's cheating! I have to do this. You don't."

"Really? You won't hate me for making you go alone?” His facial muscles go at ease with relief.

"You're not making me. I want to do this."

The man tells me to step forward to fit me with my harness. They go through an incredibly long list of technicalities before letting me walk over to the side where I jump. I spin around so I can look at River while I fall backward, wanting to take the love and excitement he makes me feel with me.

I hold my arms out at my side and slowly lean back, letting gravity take me over the edge. My stomach feels like it's still up on the platform, but I feel completely weightless, free. The wind whips my hair around me and makes me feel like I’m flying. My cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing. However, I'm not brave enough to open my eyes. I keep them squeezed shut. I don't need to see. I just need to feel.

I bounce around for a while, feeling like a cork that keeps getting pulled under water, but I'm finally pulled back up to the platform.

River is standing there with his hand covering his mouth, skin so pale it looks green.

"Oh, thank God!" He rushes over to me.

"What's the matter? Did you think I wasn't coming back or something?" I ask as the workers remove my harness.

"You were so fucking quiet, I thought something went wrong. Who jumps like that and doesn't scream?"

Finally I'm free from all the ropes and buckles so I take his hand and lead him away. "I didn't jump. I fell. Just like with us. I didn't jump into this," I motion between the two of us. "I fell."

He leans into me, pressing his lips to mine.

"Next!" I shout exhilarated as he pulls away, I’m feeling my old, timid self, transform day by day. I know that I am no longer the same person I was before the trip began.

* * *

It's nearing dinner time by the time we leave the amusement park. River drives us to the shore. "What are we doing here?" I ask as he turns the car off.

"Getting dinner."

"Here?" I point at the yacht.

"Yeah. I arranged it. I wanted to do something with you before we had to head back."

“Thank you. This is so sweet.” He takes my hand in his and leads me up the ramp and onto the boat.

We sit at a small table on the elegant boat. A waiter serves us some wine while we slowly start drifting out into the ocean.

I take a sip and look across the table at River. I had no idea he could be so sweet. We’ve spent a lot of time together this summer, but it wasn’t spent “dating”. Sure we would eat together, drink together, and spent pretty much all our time together, but we were doing so as friends. I never looked at him and felt like I was in a serious relationship with him because we were just having fun.

This, sitting together on this boat, being waited on as the sun sets in the sky, it feels like a date. Maybe he’s trying to show me what really being together would be like. This is nice, but I don’t need it. All I need is him by my side, making me laugh so hard my face hurts. I need to be under him every night while he shatters me into a million pieces. And most of all, I want to tell him I love him, but I don’t know how to say the words.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” he asks me, his blue eyes meeting mine.

I shrug one shoulder. “Is this what dating you is like?”

He lets out a short laugh and shakes his head. “I don’t really know. I’ve never really dated before.”

I lean forward, needing to be closer to him for some reason. “You’ve never had a girlfriend?”

“No, not really. I mean, there have been girls, but none that I considered my girlfriend.”

I look around the ocean and the sky. “So did you do anything like this for them?”

“Nope. Back in New York, I stuck to the basics. Dinner, drinks, maybe a movie or play, but nothing ever like this.”

I smile, I can’t help it, but hearing how special this really is for him, it means that much more to me.

It’s completely dark by the time we are done eating. The waiter clears our plates and River stands, holding out his hand. “One more thing to check off that list today.”

“What’s that?” I take his hand as he leads me to the side of the boat.

“Look over there.” He points to my right. I turn and look.

There are dozens of lit up paper lanterns floating through the air. I inhale from the beauty of it. It reminds me of the list. Number fifty says: use a paper lantern to free something that’s holding you back.

I turn around to face him.

He’s holding two lanterns. “Time to let Katie go.”

I meet his eyes again, he’s blurry through my tears. When I look down, he’s holding out a lighter.

I reach for it, squeezing it hard in my hand. Can I do this? Can I let Katie go?

She’s not holding me back, is she? She’s pushing me forward. I never would have done any of this stuff this summer without her.

“I can’t.” I shake my head while my hot tears leak from my eyes.

“It’s time, Jovi. She’s gone. It’s time you accept it. It will be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, but once you do it, you’ll feel the weight lift from your shoulders. You’ll be free.”

I have had this weight on my shoulders since she was taken. I’ve also had this knot in my stomach. Will letting her go make all that go away? Before I didn’t want it to go away. I wanted the reminder. But maybe River is right. Maybe it’s time to move on, try to heal. Katie wouldn’t want me hurting.

I hold the lantern out as I strike the lighter. “I love you, Katie,” I whisper as I hold the flame to the paper.

After a few minutes, the lantern fills and begins to float. Thinking about my friend, I watch it as long as I can, until it’s no longer visible. I take a deep breath, and it soothes me. I do feel a little lighter.

I spin around to see River still holding his lantern. “What are you going to let go?”

He looks at me, pain reflecting in his eyes. “I’m letting go of all my anger and resentment.”

“Anger and resentment about what?”

“About it all: my friend that overdosed, my mom getting taken from me, my dad who never wanted anything to do with me growing up, and my sister who I moved across the country to be closer to, only for her to be taken too.”

The boat is pulling back up to the dock. I feel it shudder when the engine is shut off.

“Your sister? I thought you didn’t have any siblings?”

His jaw is flexed like he’s angry. “I may not have been completely honest with you.”

I feel my defenses rise. “Why would you lie about having a sister?”

“Think about it, Jovi.”

I lean against the railing of the boat and think over all of our conversations. I come up empty handed until my dreams of Katie pop into my head: her mom and dad fighting. A guy named Josh asking for money. River’s story about showing up asking his dad for money.

Then another memory pops into my head. One I hadn’t thought about in years.

Katie falls onto her bed next to me. There is something wrong with her. She looks angry or sad or something.

“I know the secret, Jo.”

“What secret?” I ask, suddenly intrigued.

“What my mom and dad were fighting about that day. Why things have been weird between them for a while now.”

“What? What is it?”

Her eyes fall to her hands, watching as she twists her fingers together. “I have a half-brother.”

I feel my eyes grow wide. “What?”

She nods. “My dad got some lady pregnant before he and my mom got together. He gave her money to get rid of it. Apparently, he went all this time not knowing that she never did. She had the baby. I have a half-brother out there. Can you believe it?” Her eyes are wide, excited and yet, still completely unsure.

“Oh my God. This is crazy!”

“I know. His name is Josh. He’s the guy that showed up asking for money. My dad was so shocked when he showed up at the house, he turned him away before we came home. I guess he got in contact with his old flame and found out that she kept the baby. My dad broke the news to my mom over lunch that day and she stormed out. That’s why they were fighting.”

I’m in shock right now. Mary and George had always seemed like the perfect couple to me. Up until recently that is. But I never imagined George having a secret love child.

“So what now? What’s going to happen?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. My dad finally told me about it all. He asked if I wanted to meet him, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Why? He’s your brother.”

“This whole thing has caused so much grief with us. It’s like we’re not even the same family anymore.”

I pull her in for a hug, rubbing her back. “That’s not his fault, Katie. He’s innocent in all this. He didn’t have a dad growing up, then he shows up and gets turned away. Can you imagine what he must be thinking right now?”

She pulls back. “I just need time to get used to the fact that I have a brother out there. But, you know, you’re right. I’ll call him soon and set up a time to meet.”

I nod. “I completely understand. It’s a lot to take in. Call him, when you’re ready.”

“Jovi,” River’s voice pulls me away from my memory.

I shake my head. “River, what’s your middle name?”

He flexes his jaw before saying, “River is my middle name.”

I cover my mouth with my hand as tears fill my eyes. “Josh?”

He nods, tears filling his own eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall.