Chapter 13

Kelly

I let the scalding water run in the shower while I undressed in front of the mirror. I couldn’t wait to wash off all of the day’s pain and all of its pleasure. I just wanted to be me again. I wanted to erase Hunter from my memory. I thought about what my day would have been like without him and I felt calm. Then I felt panicked.

Kelly, damn it, he’s gone. It doesn’t matter if he was here, he’s gone now. Get in the shower.

As I took off my top, unzipped my skirt, and let them fall to the floor, I saw evidence of Hunter. The bite mark on my collarbone, and the massive hand shaped red marks he left on my thighs where he had gripped me as he threw himself inside me. I could still smell his sweat and, as the bathroom filled with steam, the smell only grew stronger. For a moment, I thought he was in there with me and I could feel my body start to tremble.

But he wasn’t.

He had left me, and all that remained were the marks he put on me to remind me he had been there. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, but quickly gathered myself. I pulled back the shower curtain and got in, letting the water cascade over my body.

I grabbed the bar of soap that smelled like me and began to move it up and down my arms, across my neck, and down my body, trying to cover every spot he might have touched. I washed between my legs and my thighs, scrubbing any trace of him away as best I could. I let the water pour over my hair and squeezed out all the sweat and filth. As I lathered shampoo through it, I could smell the fragrances listed on the bottle. No more cigarette smoke, no more gas and oil, no more Hunter. I let the scents from the soaps fill up the bathroom and hang in the steam. I let them cradle me like a warm and familiar hug.

I turned off the water and climbed over the ledge of the bath, grabbing my towel from the rack next to me and wrapping it around my body. Steam had fogged up the mirror and the scent of me filled the room. I couldn’t see or smell any trace of Hunter and I felt refreshed.

Then I heard the front door open and close and boots go flying against the wall.

A panic and excitement rushed through me and I noticed my hand was shaking. Any second now he would realize where I was and come charging into the room after me, claiming my naked body once again as his.

Suddenly, there was a very light knock on the door.

“Kelly? Kelly, are you in there? I’m starving.”

Lucas. Of course it was Lucas. I had washed Hunter off the outside of me, but he was still buried deep in my mind and my body.

Pull yourself together, Kelly. Time to get back to real life.

“Lucas, baby, hold on. I’m just getting out of the shower. Give me a second and I’ll make you a snack, okay?” I called out to him as I put on underwear and then my house coat.

“Don’t call me baby. Mom used to call me that. It’s weird.”

“Well, I’m your big sister so I can call you whatever I want,” I said as I opened the door. “Maybe I’ll call you nerd, how do you like that? Nerd.”

I reached out and gave him a playful shove. He was only ten, and a little string bean. Feisty though.

“I’m no nerd. I’ve had like five girlfriends this year,” he declared as he fought back against my push.

“Oh, five whole girlfriends in one year? Well, I hate to break it to you, nerd, but five girlfriends doesn’t make you cool. Having one and treating her right does.”

“I was nice to all of them, Kelly. I swear it.” He stared at the floor. “It just didn’t work out with us is all.”

His sincerity and sadness over his failed relationships made me smile and brought a tear to my eye. I pulled him in close and hugged him, so he wouldn’t see my face until I had composed myself.

“I’m sure you were, Luke. You’re the biggest gentleman I know. I was only teasing you. Part of my big sister job description, you know? How was school?”

I started to lead him down the hall and toward the kitchen. I stopped dead in my tracks.

“What? Kelly, I’m starving. Please, let’s get a snack.”

I didn’t want him in that kitchen. Not yet. I barely wanted to go back in myself.

“It’s such a nice day outside, Luke. Why don’t you go start your homework on the porch and I’ll bring something out. Peanut butter and crackers? Some lemonade?”

“There’s pie in the fridge. How about that?”

“Pie is for little nerds that finish their homework,” I said with a smirk.

“Ugh,” he said. He picked up his backpack and jokingly stomped his way out to the front porch.

“Let me get dressed and I’ll be right out. Get started on that homework.”

“Fine. Why are you showering in the middle of the day anyway? It’s basically dinner.”

I turned away and started to walk to my room to put some proper clothes on.

“Just a busy day. Had to kind of hit the reset button.”

“Good busy or bad busy?” he asked with his head tilted to one side.

He liked to think he looked out for me as much as I looked out for him. I guess in a way he did.

“Just busy is all. Go outside and I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

I heard the screen door slam behind him and I went into my room, shut the door, and began to cry. I was responsible for raising a person, it was the most important role in my life, and I had spent the day living out a schoolgirl fantasy with some sort of psychopath.

What was wrong with me? How did I lose myself so badly? And for what?

Goddamn you, Hunter. Please, please just leave me alone.