Chapter 26

Lacey

Sometimes, things don’t turn out the way you always planned. That’s life. That’s part of what being an adult is all about. You have these silly dreams when you’re a little girl, you believe in unicorns and princes and dreams coming true.

Then, when you grow older, you realize the world isn’t really like that. You don’t get everything you dreamt of. You don’t get fantasies and fairy tales. You get reality. And while reality doesn’t always measure up to the ideas you have in your imagination, it does have one advantage. It’s practical. And that’s something you can depend on.

I didn’t want to spend my life alone. I didn’t want to waste it, waiting for someone else to take the steps that they clearly didn’t want to take. That would be a mistake. I had strong feelings for Grant, I knew that, but Grant was my family. It was normal to have strong feelings for someone you’d practically grown up with.

It didn’t mean I had to spend my whole life hoping he’d propose to me. Grant had made it very clear he didn’t believe in marriage. He especially made it clear that he didn’t believe in marrying me.

Maybe one day he’d find some lucky woman who’d make him feel differently, but I didn’t want to be still hanging around, waiting for him, when that day came.

If I married Rob, if I created a good life and a beautiful, loving family with Rob, then when Grant finally decided to get married, I’d be able to feel happiness for him. Because my life wouldn’t be empty and lonely. If I gave up this opportunity to be with Rob, and then Grant ended up marrying someone else, it would be unbearable.

I couldn’t afford to be a fool. I couldn’t afford to live my life in a fantasy. Grant didn’t want me. Rob did.

Was I in love with Rob? That’s the question I kept asking myself.

But how could I answer it? I know I didn’t feel for him the way I felt for Grant. Grant was ingrained into the very core of my being. He lived in my heart.

The first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning was Grant. The last thing I thought about when I lay down in bed was Grant. Grant was my family, my foundation, without him in my life I didn’t even know how I’d be able to continue living.

My relationship with Rob was different. Very different. Rob didn’t make me feel safe the way Grant did. He didn’t make my heart pound. He didn’t even make me feel beautiful. He still pressured me and dropped hints about the things I could do to improve my appearance.

He was often in a bad mood. I tried to be understanding of that. He worked long hours, in a highly competitive industry, and the stresses on him were immense. I’d remind myself of those things when Rob was irritable, or when he snapped at me, or when he was dismissive.

It didn’t help when he came home late from work, or said he didn’t have time to see me, but wouldn’t tell me where he was going or who he was with. Things were far from perfect with Rob. Part of it was his high-stress job, but then I’d think about Grant’s job.

Still, always comparing everything to Grant. Grant stole millions of dollars from huge corporations with world-class security installations. There was a constant threat of violence and injury at Grant’s job. But he was nothing but pleasant and polite and considerate, ninety-nine percent of the time.

I mean, I’d had my fights with Grant, but they were never because he was just in a shitty mood. They were about real things. Grant was calm and steady, I could count on him. Rob just got pissy sometimes.

I’ll also admit I had fears about Rob’s fidelity. As stupid as I might seem for accepting his proposal, I’m not a total idiot. I knew he was surrounded by beautiful women at work. I knew he’d slept with most of them. I also knew he was capable of lies and deception.

On more than one occasion I’d caught him in a lie. He wasn’t lying to me, he was lying to other people, but I was smart enough to realize that if he could lie to others, he could lie to me too.

And there was also the constant, niggling fear in the back of my mind that Rob didn’t really love me. It was just something I couldn’t make go away. The way he wanted me to have surgery, the way he point-blank refused to ever tell me I was beautiful or make me feel good about myself, the way he virtually never expressed any kind of sexual or physical interest in my body.

Was I fooling myself? Was I making a big mistake? Was I setting myself up for disaster?

Maybe, but let me put it this way, woman to woman. If you were in my position, and a handsome, successful surgeon proposed to you, and you had no other offers, and you were lonely and afraid of getting old alone, would you have said no? Maybe you would have. That would make you a much stronger woman than I was.

There are a lot of women in the world stronger than me, and they’d have stood up for themselves and what they felt they deserved from life. They’d have demanded more passion, more love, more tenderness, from the man who wanted to call himself their husband. They’d refuse to let the fear of being alone completely cloud their judgement.

But what can I say? My last boyfriend cheated on me. In fact, my last three boyfriends cheated on me. Have you ever been cheated on? It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you scared that you’re not good enough to have a guy who’s willing to commit to you one hundred percent.

I know this is going to sound twisted, but I almost blamed myself for being cheated on. I mean, when the first guy cheated on me, I blamed him. By the time Matt cheated on me though, I was starting to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong. I know that’s crazy, but those are the fears that ran through my mind every single day.

So I accepted Rob’s proposal, or should I say, his non-proposal. I mean, he didn’t even really out and out ask me to marry him. He just talked about how it would be a good career move for him. But I accepted. And now I have to live with my decision.