Chapter 13
My ragged nerves refuse to settle as I walk around the shop forced to spend the day with Henry, Danielle and my ex. If I thought it would be bad, I had no idea just how bad it could be.
His smell stayed the same, and every time he walks by, a wave of memories shatters upon me without warning. I don't know if Colin is aware of it or just doesn't care, because he seems to be near me all the time. Occasionally his hand rubs against mine and sends a shiver that makes my skin stand on end.
I'm tortured by every passing minute. Glancing at the clock again and again, I pray the workday is over so I can run away from him and his blue eyes, that are sneaking me glances I cannot decipher.
What does he want from me?
I really don't know, because if he has something to say, he is keeping it to himself. Danielle, on the other hand, doesn't hide anything. She goes on giggling with Henry, making him blush. She seems to derive great pleasure from it.
"Elizabeth," Colin calls out to me in his rough voice from the far end of the store, "do you know anything about jeans?"
His question is met with silence. I stare at him confusedly, standing with the phone to his ear and waiting for an answer.
"I don't understand what you're asking," I admit nervously. I know American literature, biology, even in math I'm not bad at all, but fashion? I'm not the right person to answer his question, and he knows it.
"How much?" he frowns.
"I still don't understand what you're asking. Maybe if you care to explain yourself instead of being vague, we'll all be smarter."
Yes, Mr. Young, if you explain yourself and we all find out why you left, maybe we won't feel like complete fools.
"Danielle?" Colin raises his voice to the blonde, who stops the mock giggle she is throwing at Henry.
"Not more than a dollar, and call Elijah," she answers without asking what it's all about.
Does he do it on purpose? Show me I don't know anything?
"Good idea." He nods at her and returns to the conversation.
"Thanks a lot," I mutter in frustration.
"You're welcome," Danielle replies sarcastically, tossing her hair from side to side.
"If that's how you're trying to get me to stay, you're dumber than I thought." I strain again and seal the large cardboard lying on the floor at my feet with tape.
"Dumber?" Colin comes up behind me, making me face his intoxicating smell for the thousandth time.
"What do you want from me?" I sulk as he sits down on the couch in front of me, crossing his long legs and folding his hands.
"Do you want to try to close the deal?" He looks at me closely.
"How many times do I have to say it?" I let out air demonstratively. "I'm not working for you."
"It's a pretty simple deal," he deliberately ignores my disapproval. "You buy the jeans for a dollar and sell them for three."
"Wow!" I answer with exaggerated enthusiasm. "You just earned two dollars. Well, Colin, no wonder you can afford the jeep you're driving if these are the deals you do."
"Ten thousand dollars." He shrugs his shoulders with an arrogant smile and hands me the phone. "Are you sure you won't try?"
"No one will buy your jeans for ten thousand dollars." I emphasize the contempt in my voice.
"Maybe not, but Elijah would be happy to buy five thousand jeans for three dollars a piece, if you call him."
"Five thousand?" I crinkle my forehead.
"Tell him they're packed in cartons and the shipping is on him. He will try to lower the price. Don't let him. Give him the shipping but leave the price at three dollars a pair."
"I'm not working for you!" I raise my voice to match Danielle's laughter, who seems amused by the situation as she approaches us in the tight purple dress she wears, her high heels knocking on the floor.
"Give me the phone." She snatches the phone from Colin's hand with a smile. "Elijah won't refuse me. He'll pay for the shipment and, if I have to guess, he will also invite me to dinner the next time I'm in Chicago." She turns quickly to the shy boy standing stunned by the incident. "How far is it to Chicago?"
"One thousand sixteen miles, the trip will take about fourteen hours and thirty eight minutes, do you want to know how much it will cost?"
I look to Colin, who raises an eyebrow at the knowledge my friend pulls out effortlessly.
"That won't be necessary," Danielle laughs, "Elijah will pay anyway. And you," she turns and points the phone at me without intending to hand it, "you lost your commission."
"Don't say I didn't offer it to you first." Colin raises his hands submissively.
"Keep your games to yourself," I clench my teeth, "and don't involve me in your dubious deals."
"You're missing out, Elizabeth." He smiles smugly again.
"The only thing I'm loosing is time with my child." I take a deep breath trying to soothe my muscles that start to tighten. "I'm going to pick her up now, enjoy your jeans."
Without waiting for a response, I turn my back on them, grab my bag from behind the cash register and leave the store angrily. The nerve he has, trying to drag me into his business with his smiles, the confidence he radiates and the arrogant behavior. That doesn't work on me. And Danielle . . . throwing at me the commission I lost. Let me tell you something, lady, I've been raising my child on my own for years. I've lost a lot more than his miserable commission!
How much did he want to pay me anyway?
"Mom, look, it’s Dr. Diaz!" Vivian hops enthusiastically around the shelves laden with bread and pastries at our nearest Walmart branch. Our car finally came back from the shop and it cost me a fortune. I shift my gaze to the end of the aisle and examine the man smiling at us.
It really is Dr. Diaz. Wearing dark jeans and a black button shirt, he's tall, but not as muscular as Colin.
You don't think of Colin that way!
I smile back at him as he approaches us and holds out his hand.
"Hello, Vivian and Vivian's mother. Please, call me Luis." He reveals perfect white teeth.
"Elizabeth." I shake his hand quickly.
"Hello, Elizabeth." He bends down and leans in front of Viv's bright face. "How's my patient?"
"I'm fine," she chirps.
"I'm glad to hear that. Are you taking care of yourself?"
"Yes, I'm careful." She glances at me for approval, and I nod in agreement. She does a pretty good job.
"I see they took your stitches out." He examines her hair line.
"It hurt," she tells him in a much less happy tone. "The nurse wasn't nice."
The nurse was impatient. Vivian was crying, and I just wanted to finish and run. What a nightmare.
"I had to hold her," I share the story with the kind doctor, who straightens back to standing. "It wasn't fun."
"I'm sure." He reaches out and rubs the back of his neck. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, it's never easy."
"It was our first time, and hopefully our last one." I stare quickly at Vivian.
"Mom's watching over me," Viv updates Dr. Diaz.
"I'm sure." He smiles at me. "Next time you need a doctor, come to me, I can remove stitches."
"Forgive me if I keep hoping that we won't need your services." I laugh, and the smile on Luis' face grows.
"I certainly forgive and hope we won't meet again at the hospital," he nods, "but maybe we can meet somewhere else?"
"Meet where?" I scrunch my brow.
"I hope I’m not crossing the line," he lowers his voice, "but would you like to go out for coffee?"
"Coffee?" It takes me a moment to realize what he wants. Idiot, he's asking me on a date!
"No, I'm sorry . . . I'm not . . ." I falter in confusion and tighten my grip on the shopping cart.
"Ah, well, I thought I had nothing to lose in asking," he quickly apologizes with a smile, but my mother's words scream in my head. The right guy will come and accept the situation as it is. You are smart, beautiful and loving, and you have other things to give.
Colin had no problem sleeping with others, while I waited and waited and convinced myself no one would want me. And now Dr. Luis Diaz is asking me out. He knows I have a child, he met my ex in the hospital, a meeting that was not particularly happy, and he wants to go out with me. Maybe he won't run away when he finds out.
I-D-I-O-T, tell him yes. Go out with the nice doctor for a silly date, just to remember how it's done. Do you want to be alone? Colin isn't the only man on the planet!
"Maybe," a moment of madness grabs me, "maybe we can have coffee after all."
"Yes?" He seems surprised at the dramatic change in my mind.
"Sure." I nod like a sixteen-year-old who doesn't know what she's doing.
You really don't know what you're doing.
"Here's my number." He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and hands me a business card. "Call me."
"Okay." I examine the little paper in my hand. I'm going on a date with Dr. Luis Diaz, who is going to find out what a flawed loser I am. Amazing.
"Good bye, Elizabeth." His voice makes me look up from the card and smile at him. "Bye, Vivian."
"Bye, Dr. Diaz." She waves good bye to him. He steps away from us lightly, and I remember to breathe.
"Mama," Vivian calls to me from the back seat as we make our way home. "Why don't you go out for coffee with Colin?"
The car in front of us stops abruptly. I curse loudly, press the brake and turn my head back to check on Viv, who doesn't seem particularly upset.
"Are you okay?" I regulate my breath from the unexpected stop.
"Why don't you go out with Colin?" She doesn't take her blue eyes off me.
"He's just a friend." I look straight and continue driving.
"He's nice," she says firmly.
"Dr. Diaz is nice too."
"Colin is funny. Daryl wants to meet him, he loved the book."
I know that Daryl loved the book, I listened to her for a whole afternoon telling me again and again how they were both planning to fly to the moon.
"Colin is just a friend," I make it clear again. "I've known him for many years, and Dr. Diaz can be funny too."
"How do you know?"
"He has good eyes, and he took care of you with devotion."
"What's devotion?" She makes it difficult.
"It means he treated you very nicely, and that means a lot." I try to explain in words she understands.
"Colin has beautiful eyes." She doesn't let the subject go. "They're blue, like mine." The suffocation in my throat makes me tighten my hands on the wheel. Just like yours, Vivian, and they've gotten me in trouble more than once.
"What do you want for dinner?" I pull myself together. We’ve talked enough about the new boys in our lives.
"I want ice cream. Grandpa promised to take me, and you said that if you promise, you have to keep the promise," she tells me.
My father did say he would take her, and then she fell and was hurt and the plan was forgotten. Apparently someone remembered, after all.
"I'll call him and see if he's available, but I want you to eat something real before that."
"Grandpa will buy me something real." She runs the matter with a high hand. I dial from the speakerphone and wait to hear if my father wants to take his granddaughter for a joint outing.
"Lizzie," he answers after three rings.
"Grandpa!" Viv calls out to him.
"Sweetheart," he sounds eager to hear her, "how are you?"
"You promised me ice cream!"
"And I didn't take you? That’s wrong of me. " He laughs. "Where are you?"
"On the way home," I reply.
"Your mom isn't far away, she can pick up Vivian. Do you want to join?"
"Mama's going out with Dr. Diaz," the little snitch shouts into the car.
"I'm sorry?" My father makes sure he hears right.
"I'm not going out with him," I grumble. "He invited me for coffee."
"I see," he whispers quietly.
"We'll be home in a minute, tell Mom to meet us there and don't bring Vivian back too late!" I warn. My father has a tendency to ignore my daughter's bedtime, which makes me angry again and again.
"I'll bring her back when we're done." He doesn't promise to follow my rules.
"I'll talk to Mom." I can trust her. "Bye, Dad." I hang up the conversation and steer the car down the street all the way to our driveway.
"I heard you have a date." My mother is standing in the door waiting for Vivian to join her when she finishes in the bathroom.
"Jesus Christ," I grumble to her, "you bunch of gossips, that's what you have to say? How about 'Hello, Elizabeth, nice to see you?'"
"Hello, Elizabeth," she teases me. "When are you going out with him?"
"I'm not going out with him!" I'm losing my patience. "What is it with you people?"
"I'll bring Viv back by eight and put her to bed, just in case you get delayed. Call him." She raises an eyebrow.
"I'm not calling anyone."
"Because you're waiting for Colin." She irritates me more.
"In your dreams," I snarl angrily.
"So go out with the doctor," she continues.
"Okay!" I give up dramatically. "I'll go out with the doctor, happy?"
"Why is Mom angry?" Vivian emerges from behind me.
"She's not angry." My mother picks her up. "She's busy, and we're going to see Grandpa."
"And eat ice cream," the little one recalls, in case anyone had forgotten.
"Definitely." My mother kisses her head. "Elizabeth, you have a phone call to make."
"Put her to sleep on time," I insist.
"Good bye, my dear." She smiles broadly. I close the door behind them and take Dr. Diaz's business card out of my bag. I'm not waiting for Colin, and if my mother thinks I am, I'll prove her wrong.
What was I thinking?
I stand in front of the mirror, staring at the figure reflected in a dark blue dress and high heels. Dr. Diaz, or Luis, as he insisted I call him, was overly excited by my call and he agreed to meet.
Having chosen one of my old dresses, high-heeled shoes that survived the years they lay in the closet, I now stare at my cleavage and curse. My breasts grew, when I gained weight, and they're threatening to burst out of the dress and shame me.
Colin would laugh at you.
Colin has lost the right to say something, anything, and he doesn't get to decide what I wear. I grab my bag and go out of the bedroom quickly before I change my mind and switch into jeans. I'm going on a date, I'm allowed to dress up and I'm allowed to wave my boobs, no matter how big they are.
At the entrance to the cafe, where we have arranged to meet, I notice Luis and feel more foolish than ever. He's dressed in pale jeans, a white t-shirt and sneakers, and I'm suffocated in this silly dress, trying to look like someone I'm not. As I approach him he smiles broadly and, to his credit, his eyes remain on my face and don't wander to my chest making its debut.
"Elizabeth," he tilts his head slightly and opens the door politely. His strange smell hits me and my guts make another unimaginable roll. I try to put a more confident look on my face, in order to disguise the growing tension in my body, walk in and greet the silence of the empty cafe. Apart from us, there is only a single couple at one of the tables, so I choose one in the far corner and place my bag on my knees.
Luis sits down opposite me, relaxed and confident, I think. The waiter comes over to us and takes our order, tea for me and coffee for my date.
"Do you want something to eat?" Luis makes sure, before the waiter moves away.
"No thanks." I have no appetite and, to be honest, I'm mostly nervous about it all.
The waiter smiles and goes to handle our drinks and Luis sits back in his chair.
"So . . ." He smiles, again.
"So . . ." I almost have to force my jaw muscles to create a semblance of a smile.
"How's Vivian?" He chooses to talk about my child. Is that supposed to tell me something?
"She's okay."
"Spending the evening at her dad's?" He steals a curious glance at me. That's where he's going. I get it.
"She's with my parents." I choose my words carefully. "Her father came back recently, and she still doesn't know who he is. He left before she was born." If I begin to explain, we won't leave here until nine. We won't leave until morning, if I tell him the whole story.
"Complicated." He purses his brow.
"Yes, we're not together."
"I think I figured that out myself at the hospital." He tilts his head slightly.
"Right." The conversation is making me quite uncomfortable, so I decide to direct it to him. "And you, an eligible bachelor?"
"Divorced." I don't know why his answer surprises me. I didn't think anyone would divorce the successful, smiley doctor. Maybe he divorced her. Maybe he's a terrible man and only pretends to be a nice guy. I repress my anxious thought in favor of the conversation.
"Do you have children?" I'm carefully inquiring. Maybe he has children and he doesn't want any more? That could be perfect.
"No." He smiles, his answer isn't what I had hoped for. "Not yet."
"Do you like your job?" I try to calm my wildly beating heart.
We're just having coffee and I'm already thinking about kids, but how can I not?
"I love my work." Our quick waiter comes back with our order. I pick up my cup of tea and blow on the hot drink to cool it.
"That was my dream once," I share, "to become a doctor."
"Yeah?" He sips his coffee carefully.
"I was accepted to UT."
Colin is the only one who knows about it. I can only guess what my father's reaction will be if he finds out one day.
"What happened to your dream?" Luis returns my thoughts to the present.
"I gave it up, so I wouldn't have to leave . . ."
"Vivian's father," he completes my sentence.
"Yeah," I nod.
"He was your high school sweetheart."
"He was."
"You sacrificed your future for him, and he left?" He finds it difficult to understand the sequence of events.
"He didn't know I was accepted." Not that I think it would have changed anything.
"How old are you?" he puts his coffee down on the table, seemingly trying to guess the answer to his question.
"Twenty six," I reply, "and you?"
"Thirty one. And where do you work?"
Painful subject number three or maybe four, I’ve lost count. My life is sliding down a slippery slope and I can't stop it. What a loser.
"I work in a furniture store," I take a deep breath before continuing, "but it's closing, and I have to find something else."
"What are you thinking of doing?" He asks another difficult question to which the answer is still unclear.
"I'm not choosy," I avoid, "I'm sure I'll find something."
"If you've been accepted to medical school, I'm sure you can find a good job. I'm still paying my student loans." He barely smiles as he takes a sip of his coffee.
"I just want to stay free to take care of Vivian, so my hours are limited."
"Your parents don’t help?"
"They do, I just don't like asking for favors."
"She's their granddaughter, I don't think they're doing you a favor." He laughs quietly.
She is their granddaughter, and they do me a lot of favors. They save me when the car gets stuck, pay for daycare when I can't, take Viv when I go on a failed date that leads nowhere . . .
I'm not sure what I thought would happen, but I didn't imagine this conversation. Luis smiles, and he's really nice, but I feel like we're in a job interview. Examining each other, nothing flowing naturally, and it's probably because of me.
"I'm sorry, Luis," I apologize sheepishly, "I'm not good at this dating thing."
"You haven’t gone on many, I suppose," he says in an empathetic tone.
"I had a baby at home, and then I just…didn't." What a sorry excuse. Even before Vivian was born, I was not a social type. If not for Colin and his crowd, I would have stayed at home or spent time in the library, as I did before he crashed into my life.
"Maybe you're not ready," Luis guesses quietly.
"I'm ready," I quickly correct him, "really, I just don't know how to do it."
"Do what? Drink coffee?" he laughs. "That's pretty much it Elizabeth, we drink and talk like friends."
"I don't have friends." The sentence escapes my mouth uncontrollably.
"You don't?"
"No friends," I repeat the words that turn my guts. "I've had one friend since junior high, but besides him, I don't really hang out."
"Don't you have a good friend you talk to, pour your heart out to?" The astonishment on his face is obvious.
"I have my mother."
"I don’t think that’s the same."
"I guess not." I don't argue. It's not the same, but that's how it's always been. "Do you know those girls who read books under trees in the park or carry on their backs a bag full of study materials?" I don't know where the burst of words comes from, but they come, and I can't stop myself. "I had one goal—to be accepted to medical school. Nothing else interested me. I didn't wear dresses or high heels and that hasn’t really changed. As for my work, I'm a saleswoman at a furniture shop that is closing soon. I'm going to be unemployed, and I have to find a new job, so I don't have time for friends. I've been a single mom for almost five years, and now Vivian's father is back, and I have to deal with that too." I finish my speech in a frustrated tone.
"I think you have unresolved issues to deal with."
"I have no unresolved issues." I really don't remember asking for his opinion of my life.
"Are you sure?" His voice grows distant. He leans back, enlarging the distance between us. "Do you still love Vivian's father?"
"What?" I open my eyes. "No, of course not, I don't—"
"Why did you agree to out with me?" he interrupts me.
Because I wanted to prove something to my mother, to myself. Give Colin back to those girls he slept with.
Dumb reasons to go out on a date, no doubt.
"I don't love Vivian's father. He did something unforgivable." Something inside me shrinks when the words are said explicitly. "I'm at a crossroads and I have to decide where to go from here."
"You're not ready," he insists.
"I don't think you know me enough to make that assumption."
"Elizabeth," he says quietly, "don't lie to yourself. We've just finished spending twenty minutes together, trying to figure out what to talk about. I'm pretty sure you're an intelligent woman who could have an interesting conversation if you were into it."
"It's not like that." I refuse to accept his distinction.
"You don't owe me explanations." He raises his hand in a surprising gesture and signals to the waiter to bring the check. I guess he's tired of sitting and hearing what a major loser I am.
"I'm sorry our date didn't go as planned." I pull my bag from my lap.
"Maybe one day, after you take care of your affairs, we can try again." He smiles but, this time, his mouth is drawn into a kind of crooked line, which makes it clear that he doesn’t mean it.
"Good bye, Luis." I rise slowly, unable to smile back.
"Take care, Elizabeth," he replies with estranged politeness. I shake my head in a tiny gesture and hurry toward the door. What do I have to do with dates? What do I have to do with good guys? Everyone can see who I am, and the second they pick up on it, they run away. Colin might have taken four years to understand, but eventually, realization came.
A knock on the door makes me jump off the couch at nine thirty. I go over to open it hesitantly and peer into the peephole to see who is looking for me at this hour. My mother went home after I came back early from my date, which didn't go as expected, and now my daughter is asleep. And beyond the door stands her father, which just makes my anger climb.
"Sorry for the time," he quickly apologizes, as I open and stare at him witheringly.
"What are you doing here?" I grunt furiously.
"I was around and I remembered you said your TV breaks sometimes." He frowns and only then do I notice the huge package at his feet. "Is everything okay?"
Is he kidding me? Who does he thinks he is, showing up here at such an hour to distribute gifts no one asked him to give!
"Nothing's okay," I shout, "you've ruined everything!"
"Is Vivian asleep?"
"That’s none of your business," I interrupt his inquiry, which comes a few years too late. "Just get out of here, disappear, crawl back into the hole you came out of and let our lives get back on track." I try to close the door, but he grabs it and prevents me from slamming it in his face.
"Elizabeth," he says firmly.
"You come here with your money and think that you deserve rights, that you can buy us."
"That's not what I think. I can take care of the two of you."
"We don't need favors and surely not from you!”
"How long do you plan on having her in your bedroom?" His insolence interferes with my life.
"Who the hell are you to criticize me?"
"I'm Vivian's father!" he thunders in front of my stunned face.
"Mommy?" Vivian's rather alert voice catches us both off guard. We turn our eyes to the girl who is standing in the living room, staring at us in confusion, my pulse accelerating to a frightening speed and the blood running out of my face.
"Are you my dad?" she looks at him and then at me, and the words just disappear from me. She wasn't supposed to hear that, not yet. She didn't have to find out, and it's all his fault. Everything!
"Come to bed," I manage to whisper, leaving the door and moving toward her with my hands outstretched.
"You said he wasn't coming back," she refuses my embrace.
"Colin," I look at him quickly, "please go, please, let me . . ." Let me fix the tremendous damage you've done.
"Good night, Vivian," he says quietly.
"No!" she shouts, "I don't want you to leave!" The invisible cracks in my heart widen a few inches.
"I'm just going to my house," he tries to reassure her. "I'll be back when your mother calls me."
"Why isn't this your house?" Tears come to her eyes and begin to flow down her cheeks. She is frightened and confused and wants answers at nine thirty in the evening. Answers we don't have. "Why don't you live here?"
"Because I had to leave and I hurt your mother very much." At least he knows who is to blame for the situation. I wrap her in my arms and lift her in spite of her resolute resistance.
"Don't go!" She's fighting me. "Mama, tell him!"
"I'm not leaving again," he gasps and sounds almost as frightened as she is, "I promise."
"Don't promise anything!" I shout at him, "Just go!"
"I don't want Luis," Vivian sobs, "I want Colin, I don't want another dad!" God, it can't get any worse.
"Vivian, I'm your dad, and I promise not to leave again." He glares at me as he defies my request.
"I don't want to sleep, I want to stay with Colin!" I carry her crying and shouting into the bedroom, slamming the door with my foot.
"Colin!" Viv cries hysterically. I put her in bed, cover her with a blanket, lie down beside her and stroke her head. "Why can't he stay?"
"He lives in another house." I curl up and hug her.
"Where was he?"
"In all kinds of places. He'll tell you about them." I wipe her tear-stained face.
"Doesn't he love me?" Her question breaks my heart, as if she's closing her tiny fingers on it.
"You're his daughter," I calmly answer, "he loves you very much."
"When will he come again?"
"Tomorrow, okay?" I surrender, only to put her to sleep. "He'll come tomorrow."
"In the morning."
"I don't know if he can."
"Ask him," she doesn't give up.
"After you fall asleep."
"I don't want him to go, I want a dad like everyone else."
I wanted her to have a father like everyone else. I also wanted a husband to be by our side, someone who would be part of the family we were going to raise together.
"I know." I kiss her head softly, until she closes her eyes. "I know, go to sleep".
I answer Colin's phone call shortly before eleven, slip into the living room and sit down on the sofa. The television he bought is lying against the living room wall, mocking me. How much money does he have? When did he earn it? I know almost nothing about him. We can't seem to have a single conversation in which I get all the answers. He's dodging, and I let him, not demanding explanations.
"Did she fall asleep?" His voice sounds worried.
"Eventually." My head slumps forward in defeat.
"She shouldn't have heard, it should have been your decision when to tell her, but I'm not sorry she knows." He ends the sentence less apologetically then he started it.
"She wanted to know where you were," I update him on my conversation with Vivian, "and if you love her."
"You know I'll do anything for her."
How easy to say, Colin, and how hard to prove. His words crush my ability to fight my tears and I let go of the brakes, now that Vivian is asleep. She knows who her father is and I know what I've been through because of him. How I loved him and how I hate him, and where I ended up because of the mess he caused.
"I'm a failure." I burst into tears and try to silence my cries so as not to wake Viv, biting my trembling lips. "Look at me."
"I admire you," he whispers on the other side, "for everything you did, for everything you've achieved. I know you don't trust me, but I'm here. If you need money, it's yours. It belongs to you and our daughter, and my time belongs to you. If you need help taking her out of daycare or putting her there in the morning, just say."
"I was supposed to be a doctor, I gave on up my dreams."
"Don't you have other dreams?"
"How exactly do I get them, you'll play Santa Claus again?" My voice is full of accusation.
"Start by saying what you need."
"I don't know what I need," I whimper in despair, "I don't know what I want, I didn't stop to think about it."
"So stop now, you're only twenty six."
"I feel like I'm forty," I grumble through tears, "I look forty."
"Elizabeth," he sighed, "you don't."
I do. He didn't see the scar on my stomach, he didn't see how I tried to squeeze into the blue dress tonight and I looked awkward, and he doesn't know about my lost womb.
"She wants to see you." I refuse to talk about my appearance anymore. "She's scared, she needs to see you're staying."
"Just say the word, and I'll be there." His voice is strong.
"She asked if you could come in the morning. I don't know if that's a good idea." Again the unbridled crying takes hold of me, "I don't know anything, Colin."
"Give me the opportunity to help."
"What do I know about opportunities?" I shake my head in frustration. "I went on a date tonight, you know? With the doctor from the ER. I was wearing a dress and high heels and I sat in front of him for twenty minutes and felt like I was nothing. I felt like someone who had a bright future and screwed it up."
"You shouldn't have given up your dreams for me," he falters.
"I gave it up because I thought I'd won something much bigger. I won you, you were my bright future." The tears burn my cheeks, running down my face like rivers rushing in the winter, like there's no end to them. It took me forever to dry them, and now he's back, and the dam has broken, and again my face gets wet at night on the couch, seeping into the pillow.
"You can't leave again," I threaten, "not now that she knows about you."
"I don't think it would be right to talk to her in the morning, I doubt it would be a good time to answer her questions."
"In the afternoon, then." If he doesn't show up, he's dead. I'll kill him with my own hands if he hurts my daughter.
"I'll be there around five."
"Okay." I wipe the tears with my palm.
"Good night, Elizabeth, try to get some sleep."
"Good night, Colin." I hang up the phone, place it on the couch beside me, and cry.