Chapter 17
Vivian stands in front of the mirror and studies the new floral dress I bought her. There is no chance I would send her to him with a worn outfit and give him the chance to say something about it. I go to open the door for Colin, who reappears just in time. Her birthday is approaching and with it my growing anxiety, when I think of what to do.
"Hey." He stands in the doorway and glances over my shoulder.
"She's coming," I inform him. "Don't buy her popcorn."
I have no idea what he knows, so I'd better keep him up to date with what little time I have.
"No popcorn," he repeats.
"If you're having hot dogs, you have to slice them vertically. She doesn't like mayonnaise, and don't forget to fasten her seat belt," my head works overtime. "Do you even have a car seat?"
"I have a car seat," he tries to calm me down, "and I'll never forget to buckle her. I'll do fine. Are you sure you don't want to join us?"
"No," I dismiss his idea outright, "just keep her safe and return by seven."
"We'll be back by seven."
Viv's vigorous voice interrupts our conversation.
"Dad!" she cries aloud and naturally extends her hands to him with the clear purpose of leaping on him.
"Hello sweetie." He swings her in the air. "Are you ready?"
"Yes!" Her eyes shining, "I want to ride a pony and go on the Ferris Wheel!"
"Colin . . ." My anxiety lifts it's head.
"I'll look after her."
He promised to look after me too, the liar.
"Have fun." I fake a smile as they walk out the door toward the huge jeep parked on the driveway. At least his car is safe . . . and expensive, really expensive when I think about it. How much did it cost? I watch Colin put Viv into her car seat. She waves enthusiastically. He closes the door and glances at the house, but doesn't smile at me. I close the door, lean my back against it and fight my tears. I fIght them with all my strength. He's her father, and he loves her. I do it for her, for the chance that she'll have him in her life and that he'll protect her. I have to try and trust him and hope that he won't break our hearts. I have no choice.
"You're tickling me!" I squirm under Colin's fingers. He’s been stroking my stomach for an hour. "Calm down!"
"I can't wait for it to grow up." He leans over and kisses my belly, though it’s still flat.
"It's a girl, you know that, right?" We don't really know, but I feel it in my bones, in all parts of my body. I just know it's a girl.
"I know." He kisses my ilium bone. "And I'm going to buy her a million lace dresses and teach her to ride a bicycle."
"You're a bit ahead of yourself." I burst with laughter.
"I'm going to lay the world at her feet," he says, looking up at me, "at your feet."
"I know," I whisper.
"It's a miracle, Lizzie," his voice cracks, "you and I. We're a miracle."
"It was written in the stars," I reply.
"God sent you to save me."
"Since when do you believe in God?" I twist my face.
"Since now." He puts his hand on my stomach. "He exists, Lizzie, and you are proof of that."
I stand in the living room, the silence in the house seeming to burn my soul. Vivian's absence is noticeable every minute that passes. I try not to imagine what they are doing together, because the pain becomes unbearable.
He's making her laugh.
He was always funny, and so strong that sometimes he would crush me in his embrace. I don't know what I missed the most after he left. Everything was significant. Every word he said to me, every kiss and every message. His love was huge, like him, like his fears.
Am I capable of forgiving?
I lie down on the sofa and close my eyes, the pictures running through my head. Me, standing in a white dress and waiting for him to appear as he was packing his bag and scribbling a few words on the page.
I never stopped loving you.
I try to remove the image of Colin lying on the floor bleeding, my father threatening him and forcing him to leave. Why didn't you come to me? My cheeks get wet. Ever since he came back, I haven't stopped crying and thinking what would have happened if he hadn't left. If he had stayed and raised our family and taught Viv to ride a bike as he wanted. What would have happened if he built her the wooden house he had dreamed of and put her to sleep every night? Maybe I should have looked for him, looked for answers, and not wallowed in my pain, not believed my father, who never loved him. Maybe I should have fought for him. Maybe he would have stayed, as he had promised. Maybe he really . . . still loves me?
The phone makes me jump and I gasp, trying to soothe my heartbeat.
"Hello!"
"Mama, I was riding the brown pony!" Vivian sounds happy. Thank God nothing happened.
"I'm glad."
"I ate a sugar cloud," she continues enthusiastically.
"A sugar cloud?" I frown. "Oh, cotton candy."
"Daddy said it was a cloud."
"That's what he said?" I mutter. "Can I talk to him?"
After a few seconds Colin's voice comes through the phone.
"Elizabeth?"
Something awakens deep inside me, like a monster rising from its winter slumber. "You're having fun." I bite my lips.
"Of course." I can imagine his face shining, "We'll be back in time. You should have joined us."
"Maybe next time," I reply quietly.
"I have to go, we're going on the Ferris Wheel."
"Good," I wipe my eyes from the last tears, "Bye."
He hangs up. Thank God I didn't go with them. Thank God I didn't give in to illusion. I know how I would feel, how tempting it might have been. Drops of normality in a reality where nothing is logical—virtual reality. A dad, a mom and a child, make believe family. An elusive happiness that would disappear within hours and leave behind emptiness. Remnants of love.
"Did you enjoy yourselves?" I ask Colin, who carried Vivian in his arms, after she fell asleep on the way home, so I could put her in bed. I left the bedroom to find that her father was still standing at the door.
"We had a great time, thank you." He moves around and peers at his watch.
"Hurrying somewhere?"
"I have a date," he blurts out to my surprise.
"Date?" I make sure I heard right, "Like, date date?"
"Date." I think he's trying to get back at me for the going out with Dr. Diaz. Actually, I'm sure of it.
"Do I know her?" I cross my arms. If he's thinking of introducing his dates to my girl, he'd better think again.
"Lauren."
"Go to hell," I swear, without attempting to stop it.
"Elizabeth," he says in a calm tone, "we are not a couple. You've made it very clear that isn't going to change. You may be happy alone, but I'm not. I want more from my life. I want . . ."
"You want more?" I snort, "With Lauren?"
"We’ve gone out twice, I'm not planning a wedding or anything like that." He puts his hands in his pockets.
"Why plan a wedding if you're not going to show up anyway?"
"Will this go on for long?" He locks his jaw.
"As long as I feel like," I say sharply, "Lauren . . ."
"Yes!" he bursts out, "I'm going out with Lauren. At least she doesn't treat me like a total failure."
"Sure, she is not the one you left pregnant!"
"Jesus Christ, Elizabeth, I'm not that boy." He gasps, his chest rising and falling with each breath.
"I don't know who you are." I shake my head.
"You're making no effort to find out! I don't want Lauren, I want you!"
"No."He can’t just say that. Can’t just throw out words he doesn't mean.
"I can't stop wanting you," he says quietly in a defeated voice, "but I lost the opportunity I had."
I hold the door tightly and worry that, if I leave it, I'll crash. If I let go, he will enter, not only Vivian's life but mine too.
"You should go," I stammer pathetically.
"If that's all you have to say," he doesn't take his blue eyes off me, "don't blame me for going out with other people."
"Typical man," I sneer, "can't survive a few months without . . ."
"Sex?" he fires the word at me. "Do you think it's about sex?"
"It's sure as hell not because of Lauren's brilliant brain. She, as we both know, is not the sharpest tool in the Shed.”
Lauren, who was captain of the cheerleading team, is a beautiful blonde and was the object of every high school boy's fantasy. I wouldn't be surprised if she and Colin were sleeping together before we met. After all, Lauren was a perfect match for him.
"She may not be as bright as you are," Colin's voice reverberates in my ears through the screen of the past, "but she's good to me, she appreciates me, she takes interest in how my day was, what I love and what makes me happy. So no, Elizabeth, it's not about sex."
"I'm sure that can't hurt." I can't let go of the subject.
"I have no idea."
"You haven’t slept with her?" My mouth opens wide of its own accord.
"No, not that it's any of your business," he states resentfully.
"It really isn't. You can go out with whoever you want." I manage to recover a trace of my pride.
"You're such a fool," he scolds me.
"Is that how you talk to Lauren?"
"This conversation is going nowhere."
"Where did you expect it to go?" I fail my attempt to convey indifference. "If you think you love me, why are you going out with other women? Are you hoping the two of you will fall head over heals in love?"
"I don't think I love you," he raises his voice. Apparently my choice of words doesn't evade him. "I fell in love once, I don't expect it to happen again. I do hope I can build a good life with someone, loveless as it may be!"
"And Lauren knows?" I ask in astonishment, almost in a whisper.
"She knows what I can give, I don't lie to her."
"Lucky girl," I whisper again.
"Elizabeth," he sighs in frustration.
"Go. You don't want to be late, you don't want to keep Lauren waiting. She might think you've disappeared," I insult him with obvious intent.
"Keep your hatred to yourself," he says, turning his back and walking briskly toward his impressive jeep.
He's going out with Lauren. He’ll probably take her to a nice restaurant, make her laugh and be charming, as he always was. He'll probably kiss her, too. Who wouldn't want to kiss Lauren?