Chapter 34
My legs are shaking. I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Colin's jeep, on our way to pick up Vivian from daycare. Bieber's disc plays in the background, but neither of us jokes about it. We haven’t said too much, since we barely crawled out of bed. We even gave up our lunch. We had every intention of eating, and we wondered whether to warm something up or go to a restaurant. But then we found ourselves on the carpet in the living room, and then . . . well, on the rickety table in the dining room, which only by divine grace didn't break under us. We are teens again, unable to take our hands off each other. Even now, I'm stroking Colin's arm resting on my thigh.
"Her daycare teacher is named Mrs. Robbins." I don't find anything smart to say.
"I know," he nods. "Viv told me about her, she loves her."
"She doesn't like anybody being late. You have to come on time, always."
"I'll always come on time."
"Even before time. I don't like Viv to be last."
"Before time."
"She knows where her bag is," I start to say, but he interrupts my sentence.
"Lizzie, I'm sure I'll learn where to hang her bag," he gives me a reassuring smile. "I'm sure I'll learn everything over time, but maybe I'm not the only one who has to learn something new?"
"I told you," I know where he's going with this, "I don't know what I want to do."
"You just have to think about it."
"Turn right," I sign with my head.
"It won't go away if we don't talk about it." He doesn't let my obvious avoidance pass.
"I don't have anything smart to say on the matter," I take a deep breath. "I didn't come to any conclusions."
"If you want to stay home—"
"Why would I want to stay home?" The contempt in my voice echoes through the car.
"I'm just saying you can."
"What you're saying is that you'll fund me like a Sugar Daddy. You know me well enough to know it won't happen." I raise my hand obnoxiously, losing the urge to touch or caress him, or to explain to him how insulting his idea is.
"Do I look like a Sugar Daddy?" He laughs and grabs my hand before I can get away from him. He puts my hand on his thigh and strokes my fingers gently. "All options are open to you, that's all I'm saying."
"Sitting at home is not one of them," I say confidently.
"Excellent." He signals to the right to enter the parking lot. "I think we're here."
"Let's go pick up our daughter. Maybe now Daryl will believe her father is back."
"Yes, let's go and get to know the young man." He laughs again.
"He's five, Colin."
"Let's hope Viv is like you," he gives me another smile. "I'd love not to deal with young men until she's old enough."
"And when do you think that will be?"
"When she's about thirty, give or take a few months."
"You're optimistic." I roll my eyes at him.
"That's me, baby." His laugh bursts out. "let's go pick her up, we don't want to come in last."
Mrs. Robbins is staring inquisitively at the mountain of a man next to me. Her gaze shifts from me to him and comes back to me, watching every movement we make.
"Nice to meet you, Mr . . ."
"Young," he fills in the missing detail.
"Daddy!" The cry of our daughter comes a few seconds later, as she runs straight into Colin's arms, who flaunts her in the air.
"You grow too fast." He rubs the tip of his nose with her nose, "Ready to go home?"
"Yes!"
"I'll bring her bag." I smile mockingly at Mrs. Robbins' curious eyes.
"I think your mom is tired." Colin sits Viv on his arm. "How about we drop her home, let her rest while we go out together?"
"I'm fine," I try to resist, even though he's right. I'm exhausted and it's his fault. The thought of the many reasons my muscles hurt make my cheeks burn. How many times did we do it? Enough times to make any movement between my legs noticeable. Maybe that's what he wanted, to leave his mark on my body, to make sure I couldn't think of anything else. I pick up Viv's bag and follow them to the jeep. Colin puts Viv in her seat and gets behind the wheel, me at his side.
"You have to sleep," he throws at me as he starts the car. "Vivian and I'll be all right."
"Are you sure?" I yawn uncontrollably.
"Yes. We'll drop you off. You can join us for dinner at my house."
"Are you taking her to your house?" I'm not sure why it surprises me. She'll get there sooner or later.
"I'm taking her to my house, join us at seven." He's letting me know how it's going to be, and I don't have the strength to argue.
"I'll be happy to rest," I look back at Viv, who is following the conversation. "Are you all right?"
"I want ice cream," she informs me of her priorities.
"I think I have some in the freezer, Viv," Colin smiles at her in the mirror as he glides out of the parking lot. "Why don't we go check?"
"Don't give her too much," I whisper anxiously, and he gives me a quick look that makes me shrink. Okay, I have to relax and not make a fuss over everything. I get it.
"I love this song," Viv interrupts us, with Bieber's voice breaking in the background.
"I think we all know that," Colin turns up the volume. "Let's go home, girls."
He presses the accelerator, as if hoping to get out of the car as soon as possible and away from the music our daughter has been forcing upon us for days.
"My mom is waiting for me." I try to pull my lips from Colin's, but he refuses to release me or take his fingers out of my hair. "I'll see you in a few hours."
He's funny, really. Sometimes I think he's more excited than I am. From the moment he proposed, he was bringing up silly ideas that, if I had agreed, would make our wedding look like an average Mardi Gras. Among the suggestions I rejected outright was a tropical reception (coconut trees, Colin, really?), a dress code (No, I won't ask all the guests to wear hats) and I can’t forget the highlight – a fairy tale wedding (you're not hiring a carriage and horses!).
I just wanted a white dress and to get married in the church with the pastor I've known all my life. I don't even have a bridesmaid, not that I need one. My mom is too much to deal with, and if this day goes as she plans, I'll get to my wedding not looking like myself.
"Let's elope in Vegas," he whispers under pressure, "give Elvis the honor."
"I'll see you in a few hours," I take a step back, trying to get his body off mine. "Be a good boy and don't do anything foolish in my absence."
"Elizabeth Heart," he seems to be using the last chance to call me by my maiden name, to which I will say goodbye today, "I wish I could make you as happy as you do me."
His words take my breath away.
He doesn't believe me when I tell him how happy I am.
He doesn't believe it when I tell him I'll never love another.
He needs me to prove it to him, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
So I kiss him. I kiss him and hold him close to me, sighing as his tongue pursues mine hungrily, in pure need.
I'll show you, Colin Young, that you're the only one.
I roll over in bed, surrounded by his smell, curled up in sheets I didn’t change when I got home. I had trouble falling asleep. I wanted to feel close to him. I wanted a few more hours to sniff my pillow and feel everything waking up inside me again.
My phone rings, I pull it from the dresser, and answer my mom wearily.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"My car won't start." Her sentence is the last thing I want to hear. My father is still at work, she needs my help, and there's no way I'll refuse her after all the times she's been there for me. How the wheel turns.
"You need me to come over?" I sit up in bed and stretch, waving goodbye to my afternoon nap.
"Yes, please. I need groceries, the house is empty."
"I'll be over soon." I take my feet off the bed and go to search for my clothes.
"Thank you, see you soon." She hangs up the call. All I can hope is that our shopping won't last long, and I will have plenty of time for myself before dinner at Colin's house.
An hour later, I'm dragged around the store by my mom, who came equipped with a list that would not shame a cook in a banquet. Her cart is loaded, and we find it difficult to have a conversation, as she is running from shelf to shelf.
"Mom," I sigh loudly, "I don't want to be late."
"You won't be late," she walks past me on her way to the pastry department, "just a few more minutes."
She said that fifteen minutes ago, so I don't think we're going to be finished soon. I drop my head and grumble to myself. This wasn't my plan. I was supposed to be in bed, with his smell. Maybe it won't fade until night and will linger for a few more hours, long enough for me to dive into the bed and be surrounded again.
"What are you dreaming about?" My mom's voice makes me jump. I don't think she wants to hear exactly what I'm dreaming about.
"I'm worried about Viv," I lie, I'm not really worried about her. She's with her dad, eating ice cream and having fun in his perfect house.
"You always worry," Mom puts a bag of rolls in the cart. "You'll learn to let go."
"You sound so sure," I mutter. "What if it doesn't happen, what if I got used to being like that?"
"Are you enjoying yourself?" She stops her running around. "Is it good for you, when every little thing frightens you?"
"You know the answer," I reply indignantly.
"Why don't you trust yourself?" Her gaze penetrates.
"I'm trying, really."
"You should be proud of yourself. You've raised Viv to be a loving and confident girl, smart and funny. You've put her first on your priority list, and now you're allowed to think of yourself, your future."
"I'm really scared, Mom," I confess in a whisper in the middle of the giant store. We couldn't choose a more strange place to conduct this conversation.
"You deserve to be happy."
"I know."
"Do you really believe that?"
"When I manage to deal with the doubts that constantly arise, yeah, I do. After all, I didn't think I would love only one man, I didn't think he would leave, and I certainly didn't believe he would come back. "
"You got a second chance, don't throw it away."
"We have to finish," I interrupt sharply, "Vivian and Colin are expecting me at seven."
"Trust your judgment," she puts a hand on my shoulder, "trust your heart, you'll know what's right."
I nod without words and push the shopping cart toward the cash registers. I’m not sure where we're going from here. I try to lock my fears away and not confront them. They've been running me long enough, and I won't let them ruin my second chance.
At six-thirty I burst into my house panting, rushing toward the bedroom, flinging my clothes on the floor. I turn on the hot water in the shower and walk through my wardrobe in my head while my hair is getting wet.
What should I wear?
I know he doesn't care, and if it was up to him, he'd prefer me wearing nothing. I understand him, because I personally would like to undress him and stroke his bare skin.
Five and a half hours were not enough. They were just the appetizer, a taste of what awaits us. A reminder of the mystical connection that has been there from the first second we exchanged glances.
I wash my hair and the soap from my body and turn off the water. I must have a dress in my closet I can throw on. Something sexy.
My God, what do I know about sexy? What the hell is going on in my poor mind?
I wrap myself in a towel and move to the bedroom. One normal dress to feel good about, that's all I need.
You'll feel good only when he peels it off you.
What did you do, Colin? You've made a monster out of me, it's so ridiculous. A hormonal monster who wants more of what he gave me this morning. God, please help me. Help me survive one evening with him without smearing all over him or looking at him with longing. One evening without imagining how we can slip away from Vivian for three minutes and shut ourselves in the bathroom.
The situation is lost. I'm lost. And I'm late for dinner too. It's time to hurry up.
I pull at my closet door and freeze. My eyes stare at the shelves, but my head takes a moment to understand.
Where are my clothes?
A forgotten memory hits me, of Colin's empty closet and the empty shelves waiting for me on our wedding day. The house is the same house, the bed the same bed, but this time my clothes are the ones that are missing.
My eyes catch the note on the middle shelf. I pick it up and read the words, my heart about to explode.
I love you. Still and forever.
I read it again, just to let the words seep in.
He exchanged one note with another. His words, that shattered my life in the past, now offer me the future I dreamed of.
The seventeen-year-old boy who sat in my room and studied for hours, enlisted and saw horrors I might never understand, is unveiling in front of my eyes, revealing the man he has become, his heart.
When I pull the door to Vivian's closet open, tears rise in my eyes. My wedding day was a nightmare that lasted too long, and Colin is ending it. I know where my clothes are and where our girl's clothes are and, if I have to guess, my mom's car is fine.
She cooperated with the plan.
I fold the note he left for me, wipe away the tears and go to pick up my clothes from the floor.
Colin's house looks bigger than I remembered as I park my Chevy and get out with trembling legs, stopping in front at the door and ringing the bell. Colin opens it with a look that I hardly recognize.
"I wanted to wear a dress," I stare at him, eyes glistening, "but what do you know, my clothes are lost."
"They're exactly where they're supposed to be." No muscle moves in his face. "Welcome home."
"Colin," I begin to say, but he interrupts me.
"Welcome home, Lizzie."
"What will we tell Vivian?" How can we explain to her the hasty move her father planned behind my back?
"I think you'll find she doesn't need any explanation." His voice is steady.
"Are you sure?" He'd better be sure, because my legs are going to crash.
"You are my family, your place is here." He takes a step toward me and holds my head in his hands, staring straight into my eyes, his chest rising and falling. "Elizabeth Heart, I'm sorry for all the suffering I've caused you. I want to live with you and make you happy, make sure you and our daughter are safe, loved. So loved."
"Don't leave us again," I whisper, and his answer is all I need. He pulls me to him and demands ownership of my mouth, of my lips. He kisses me greedily until we both break the kiss, panting. My eyes are shining and his are too, and I'm protected, safe and beloved.
"You made plans with my mom," I whisper.
"With your mom and Vivian, she helped," a mischievous smile peeps out at the corner of his mouth.
"Where is she?" My eyes peek through the gap between his waist and the door in search of her.
"In her room." He finally opens the door for me.
"She has a room?" I walk into the house where my clothes are, and the life I want.
"Of course." He closes the door, walks past me, crossing the large living room, and down the hallway to the open door.
"Viv," he goes into the room, "your mom is here."
"Mama," her excited cry makes me jump just as I get to the doorway. "You have to see!"
I see.
And I can't completely believe it.
Viv's room is huge by any standard. The walls are painted pink, and when I look up at the ceiling I see the stars painted on it. If I have to guess, they glow in the dark.
"I have a palace bed!" Viv climbs into what she calls a bed, her mattress hiding in a palace decorated with diamonds and lace curtains.
"Please don't be angry," Colin whispers apprehensively. "I couldn't help myself."
"I'm not angry." I'm thrilled.
"Viv, ready to go out?" Colin turns to the girl who is hiding inside the palace.
"Yes," she jumps out enthusiastically. "Wait till you to see the back yard, Mama."
"Come on," Colin motions with his head, giving Vivian a hand and leading us out of the room, through the living room, opening the French doors set in the wall. I'm speechless at the sight before me. I stand on the wooden deck and to my right are cushioned sofas, all surrounded by the smell of flowers. The wide yard in front of me is lit by little lanterns that hide in every corner, but it's the gazebo I can't take my eyes off of.
It's decorated with lamps, hanging from the wooden beams, and fabrics, hanging around the poles that support the structure. In the middle is a set dining table with candlesticks and lit candles.
"Like?" Colin whispers.
"It's perfect." Just perfect.
"Our house, our yard," he gestures around, "and later I'll show you our bedroom." He finishes the sentence with a growl.
Mr. Colin Young can't wait. I look up at him and he stares at my lips with obvious intent.
"Colin . . ." I'm startled by the idea of kissing in front of Viv.
"She's going to see a lot of kissing and a lot of love, Mrs. Young."
He doesn't slow down, lowering his lips to mine gently, tenderly, in perfect contrast to his enormous body.
He's kissing me and fixing everything that was broken, giving me back everything I thought I lost long ago.
He finds the key, and sets my heart free.