Chapter 31
Vivian is probably the happiest person on the planet. Colin surprised us both when he pulled a blanket out of the trunk to lay on the sand, a picnic basket, toys for Viv and a parasol. Our girl is building a sand castle, after I insisted on covering her with sunscreen, twice, and I made Colin swear not to take his eyes off her. We sit in the sun, it's rays caressing Colin's tattoos, who is in a swimsuit and bare chested, drawing looks from every girl passing by.
"Mama?" Vivian raises her eyes for a moment. "Why don't you wear a swimsuit?"
"Yes, Mama," Colin mimics her, "why don't you wear a swimsuit?"
"I am." I lift up my shirt, only for a moment.
"Why don't you take off your clothes?" she insists.
"Yes, Mama, why don't you take off your clothes?" Colin raises an eyebrow and gives me a lascivious look.
"Don't you have a castle to build?" I wave my hand at the pile of sand.
"Viv," Colin tilts his head at our daughter, "should we help Mom?"
"Oh no," I warn him, "don't even think about."
"Yes!" the collaborator screams immediately. "You have to help Mom!"
"Colin, I'm warning you."
"She's warning me, Viv," he smiles at the girl whose blonde hair shines in the sun. "Do you think she means it?"
"Noooo," Vivian laughs.
"I mean it, I swear." I don't know whether to laugh at how these two communicate or cry from Colin's malicious plan to leave me in a swimsuit.
"Give me your clothes." Colin reaches out his hand to me.
"I'll burn in the sun," I try to dodge again.
"I'll cover you in sunscreen." His sentence is the last thing I need to hear. Why on earth does sunscreen sound like the sexiest thing I can think of?
His hands on my skin, every inch of it. That's why.
"I can do it myself."
"Give me your clothes and I'll let you do it yourself, if you want to so much." He tilts his head with a smile.
I don't want to do it by myself. I want to be all over him, but that's not going to happen with our five-year-old girl around.
"Not a word." I turn a finger at him to keep his mouth shut.
He gives up his hands in surrender, but doesn't take his eyes off me when I open the button of my jeans and slowly drag them down my legs, setting them aside. With trembling fingers I hold the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head, in front of the lingering gaze of my horny ex, who looks like he will jump me any minute.
"We're buying you a bikini," he snarls, completely ignoring the company beside him.
"Not in this life time." I narrow my eyes and fold the shirt, placing it on my jeans. "Are you two satisfied?"
"Bikini," he snarls again.
"Pink bikini," Viv shrieks. "You'll look so good in a pink bikini, Mama!"
"Red." Colin decides to be my new fashion consultant.
"Pink." Viv bends her head back to the sand castle.
"And I thought the trip here would be a long one . . ." Colin takes a deep breath and arranges his swim trunks.
"I told you I should have stayed in my clothes." I smile in light of his distress.
"Like that would make a difference." He bends his head reproachfully.
It's going to happen soon. Maybe not today, but we both know it's going to happen. And when it does, we'll probably lose our heads, drown, and there will be no going back. He's got my heart and is about to get my body after more than five years. My pulse is rippling in my veins, what if he is disappointed?
What if he had so many girls who knew what they were doing? What if I have no idea, and he's going to find out?
"Stop thinking what you’re thinking." Colin's voice resonates sharply.
"You don't know what I'm thinking about," I defend myself from his attempt to read my thoughts.
"Are you sure?"
"You have no idea." Our eyes lock and I sees the gleam in his.
"I have three hypotheses, and if I have to guess, all three are correct."
"And none of them are things we are going to talk to about now." I point to Vivian.
"Vivian," he asks quietly without taking his hungry look away from me. "Isn't your mom the most beautiful woman in the world?"
My heart skips a beat.
"Uh-huh," she answers, dipping her hands in the wet sand.
"Don't go on," I whisper to him with a strangled throat.
"Stop occupying your beautiful head with nonsense." He locks his jaw, which makes his cheekbones stand out.
"It's not nonsense to me."
"I can't erase the past." The frustration in his voice hurts me.
"I'm not asking you to." He can't erase the past, nor can I. I wish he didn't have all those girls. I wish I didn't know about them, but I do, and their existence hurts me, jealousy burns in me. The fear of not being good enough…
"Apply your sunscreen," he says evenly, "I don't want you to burn."
"Colin . . ."
"Vivian," he ignores me and leaps to his feet, "let's go into the water."
She stands up quickly and begins to jump around, neither of them inviting me to join. Colin holds Viv's excited hand, and the only thing I can think of is every girl on the beach eyes awash with his amazing body, which moves mesmerizingly. I think of all the girls on the beach who allow themselves to wear bikinis and are not ashamed.
He could have any of them.
To pleasure.
To satisfy.
And he wants me.
I pull my body under the umbrella, lie back and close my eyes. I won't buy a bikini, neither pink nor red. If he wants me, he'll accept me like this. With my fears, with the extra weight and the baggage that accompanies me. If he wants me, he won't try to change the situation. He will hold me to his chest and appreciate the long time I spent without him, which brought me to where I am.
My thoughts are weary. The heat affects me, the sun and the constant concern for Vivian and my parents. The worry nibbles at me, and my brain pleads for a few minutes of silence. My body obeys, and I fall asleep on the warm sand to the sounds of the water hitting the shore.
What's time is it?
I open my eyes slowly, adjusting to the bright light. It takes me a moment to remember where I am, and another moment to sit up in panic, panting.
"Vivian?" My eyes dart around in search of my girl and her father. I don't know how long I slept.
"We're here." Colin's voice comes from behind me. I turn quickly and notice him and Viv, who's holding an ice cream cone bigger than her.
"Is this her lunch?" I open my shocked eyes wider.
"Dinner," he mumbles apologetically.
"What?" I look between the two of them. "What are you talking about?"
"You fell asleep and we didn't want to wake you up, you were so peaceful."
"Peaceful?" I bark. "I look peaceful to you? What time is it?"
"Four-thirty," he mumbles again. "Maybe five."
"Maybe five?"
Okay, I have to stop yelling and pulling gazes from other people.
"How long did I sleep?"
"Four hours, I think." He puts Viv's toys on the sand. "I made sure you stayed in the shade and applied Vivian with sunscreen after we finished lunch. I think she's tired."
"I don't want to go home," Vivian howls.
"We'll come again," he strokes her head in a gentle, protective gesture.
"Tomorrow." The stubborn girl doesn't give up.
"Not tomorrow," he explains quietly. "It's a long drive."
"You shouldn't have let me sleep that long." I stand, light-headed. I didn't eat or drink, and now I don't feel well.
"Elizabeth?" His voice sounds startled. "You're pale."
"I'm fine." I stumble forward and manage to put one foot in front of the other without falling.
"You're dehydrated," he grabs me tightly and lets me lean on him, "sit down again."
"I'm fine." I try to stay on my feet but fail to steady myself. My body slides back onto the blanket and I feel safer near the ground.
"Viv, stay with your mom." Colin helps her sit beside me and hands me a bottle of water. "I'm going to buy you juice, the sugar will help."
"I'm really fine." I take the bottle from his hand and open the cap.
"Drink slowly and don't try to get up."
"Okay. I'd really like juice, actually," I whisper, hoping he'll leave us and go and buy me something cold to drink.
"Five minutes, I'll be back soon," he informs us in a worried voice.
"Thank you," I mumble and sip from the bottle. Vivian looks less troubled, licking her ice cream with pleasure and making sweet noises. At least it will occupy her for the next few minutes until Colin came back.
"Five minutes," he repeats, turning his back and walking away with extra-quick strides. I take a sip of water, lie back beside Viv's legs, and take a deep breath. That's better. My nausea calms down, and my pulse, too. Colin will take care of me. Colin will take care of me and Vivian, and everything will be all right.
Everything will be wonderful if I can get on my feet and reach the car without falling.
He didn't lie when he said he would do it quickly. Colin comes back in record time, holding three bottles of grape juice, containing a generous amount of sugar, to help me. He sits down next to me, opens one of the bottles and offers it to me, watching my every move.
"I'm sorry I let you sleep and didn't make sure you drank." His voice is remorseful.
"It's not your fault." I take a sip of the juice, and the coolness spreads through my body.
"I didn’t think it would be right to go home in your condition," he hesitates again, "so I did something. Please don't be angry."
"Why do I have the feeling that I won't like what you say?" I mutter and sip again.
"You should lie down, not sit in the car for four hours. It's only for one night."
"We can't stay on the beach all night." I don't understand where his head is. "Viv is five years old."
"We won't stay here," he says. "I called a small hotel in the area, they only have one bedroom suite with a double bed, but I'm sure you two can sleep together. I'll crash on the sofa."
"Colin," I sigh without strength, "I can survive the ride home."
"We won't be testing that tonight," he says with a nod of his head. "We'll have dinner in the room, take a shower and go to bed. In the morning we'll get up, fresh."
"Are you sure?" I stare at him.
"That's the plan, that's what we're doing. What do you say, Viv, want to go sleep at a hotel?" He looks up at Viv.
"I never slept in a hotel." She smiles brightly.
"Excellent," he smiles back at her, "tonight will be first time. You want to finish the ice cream and help me collect our things?"
"Yes," she nods positively.
"Don't stop drinking." He gives me another look.
"I'm drinking." I bring the bottle closer to me.
"And don't stand before I tell you to." He gets up from the blanket and starts putting the toys into the bag.
"Thank you," I whisper to him.
"You're welcome."
"It was my mistake." I don't want to make things difficult for him. It really isn't his fault. I was the one who fell asleep, he didn't want to disturb me. He stops for a moment, looks up from the blanket, his stormy eyes locked on mine.
"I'm supposed to take care of you," he says sharply. "I don't care if you like it or think I'm a chauvinist pig, you're my responsibility, and that's my screw up."
"I'm twenty-six," I remind him in a whisper.
"And you will be my responsibility when you are eighty, for better or for worse." He pauses for another moment, letting me drown in his blue eyes.
"Dad," Viv's voice surprises both of us and shatters the bubble around us. "What's chau . . . chau . . . chaumini?"
"Chauvinist?" He laughs when he realizes that the child understands everything, God help both of us.
"Yes, that."
"That’s," he leans toward her, pressing his lips to her forehead with a broad, rather amused, grin, "a conversation for another day."
The small hotel Colin found is a ten minute drive from the beach, a trip during which I discovered Colin was right, I wouldn't have survived four hours in the car. Colin parked and helped Vivian and me out, took the keys from the receptionist and led us to the isolated suite at the end of the compound. I was particularly pleased with the clean clothes I packed for Viv. She rushed to the shower and bathed briskly with the little help I could give her, while Colin ordered dinner. After eating in the living room, Colin carried her to bed and I lay down next to her. She fell asleep immediately.
I lie beside her in silence, unable to quiet my thoughts again. What’s happening with my mom, my dad, with the guy in the living room just a reach away from me? Our fun day ended differently than I imagined. I certainly didn't think I would find myself in a small hotel with Colin.
I didn't know it would be so hard to stop thinking about him taking off his clothes and lying down on the sofa. I didn't suppose the memories would flood me and deprive me of my sleep.
The bottle of juice he left on the dresser is empty and my bladder presses uncomfortably. I manage to lower my legs to the floor carefully and stabilize myself, without any major dizziness. The food helped, and I drank quite a bit in the last few hours. My situation seems to be improving.
I walk out of the bedroom and into the living room, where Colin is walking with the phone to his ear. He is still dressed and seems to have taken the time to work.
"Just a second," he interrupts the conversation and turns all his attention to me. "Everything okay?"
"I need to go to the bathroom," I motion to the toilet. He nods and returns to the conversation, pursing his forehead in concentration. I try not to eavesdrop, but I hear half sentences when I walk past him.
"I told you it was a good deal, you don't have to argue about everything. Eight hundred is a perfectly reasonable price."
He must be talking to Danielle. I open the bathroom door and close it behind me.
What was she arguing about now? Or rather, I should ask, why is she arguing? He's the boss. He brings the money, she doesn't have to make it difficult for him.
When I finish in the bathroom I go back into the quiet living room. Colin's cell is set aside on a small wooden chest and he is sitting on the rug with his back to the couch, looking at me with tired eyes.
"You should go to sleep," I say quietly. "We have a long trip tomorrow."
"You too." He motions to the bedroom with his head.
"I don't know if I'll fall sleep, I slept so much on the beach." I hope he won't blame himself again.
"Your body needs to rest." His eyes wander over my body, examining me carefully.
Did he really mean what he said, that he'll always take care of me? For better or for worse? The sincerity of his words didn't escape me. He will propose to me again and again until I agree.
"You're so good to me," I whisper, hoping Viv won't wake up and hear our conversation. She'll have to know one day, but her world is changing rapidly, and I don't want to shake it anymore. Not now, when everything isn't clear.
"I love you," Colin replies quietly, "why shouldn't I be good to you?"
"I can't stop thinking about the others." I look down.
"I know."
"I'm jealous, and I'm afraid to disappoint you."
"Come here." He slips his body sideways and slaps his hand over the place he vacated. With trembling legs, I approach him and slide over to sit beside him, my bare thigh rubbing against his. He puts his hand on my skin, a few inches above my knee, and gently caresses my leg. "You won't disappoint me. They were meaningless, Lizzie, I never promised them anything."
"Still, you have experience." I turn my body toward him and our eyes meet.
"I had experience from the start, or at least that's what I told myself it was. You didn't disappoint me even back then, remember?"
"Yes." The lump forming in my throat forces me to push it back down, my cheeks reddening rapidly.
"You blush," he smiles. "It's so cute."
What isn't cute are my thoughts, and my pulse going wild.
"I'm not used to talking about it."
"About sex?" He laughs quietly. Apparently, my embarrassment amuses him.
"It hasn’t been an issue." At least not until a few months ago. "I didn't really have anyone to exchange experiences with and I didn't really have experiences to exchange."
"What do you think will happen when we have sex?" He walks his hand a few millimeters up and messes with my senses.
"I don't know, Colin." I pray that he doesn't notice my breathing accelerating. "It's been more than five years, I'm afraid of the idea. I feel like I'm starting from scratch."
"You're not starting from scratch, and even if you were, I don't care." He raises his hand from my leg and moves it behind my shoulder, tilts his body and closes the small distance between us. "Are you afraid it will hurt?"
"I don't know what I'm going to feel." I dread the thought. "I gave birth, what if something changed, and it won't be the same?"
"Will it reassure you that I'm nervous, too?" His face is close to mine. I'm aware of every whisper, every breath that gently passes over my cheek.
"What are you nervous about, you're the only guy I've been with. I have no one to compare you to, I don't know anything else." My voice trembles in front of the smile that comes to his lips.
"I'm afraid I'm so excited by the idea of being together again, that the whole thing will be over in a flash."
"That was never a problem." My cheeks burn again.
"I've never had you, and then waited for you for so many years before." His fear is far from justified, and right now I don't care how quickly it will end. The expectation is beginning to gnaw at both of us, and as we postpone the moment, we fill our heads with anxiety instead of thinking of how amazing it will be.
"What if the others knew how to do things I don't?" I find it difficult to let go of the fear.
"For example?" He puts his other hand, which until now was far away, between my knees, gently spreading my legs a few inches apart.
"I don't know . . ." My mouth gets wet as he draws his fingers on my skin. "They must have been more experienced than me."
"They were meaningless, do you hear what I'm telling you?" He puts his mouth to my ear and whispers, his fingers matching themselves to the words. "It's not the same, being with someone you love. It's not just your body there, you're not just chasing your physical satisfaction or your partner’s."
A soft sigh escapes my mouth and Colin continues whispering, and caressing.
"I remember the first time we did it…your toes shrinking, your skin growing bright, your breathing accelerating. I remember how afraid I was to hurt you."
"It hurt less than I thought." I tilt my head back, exposing my neck to his lips.
"I know," he kisses the sensitive part behind my earlobe, "you told me. I remember hugging you for hours, and we couldn't fall asleep."
"You kissed me all night."
I would give anything to have him kiss me all night long. But we are risking it tonight, like two sixteen-year-olds who don't want to get caught but can't stop. Thank God our daughter knows how to sleep through the night, and thank God he doesn't stop, because I need him. His words and his lips, which slide into the hollow of my neck.
"I think you're afraid of being ready, moving on to the next stage, because you remember how much I hurt you in the last few years. You don't want to get hurt again, and your head always reminds you of the risk, and reminds you not to trust me."
"My head and my heart are fighting, and it's exhausting."
"Maybe it's time to pick a winner." He climbs his hand further up my thigh.
"I'm afraid you won't like what you find under my clothes." I don't think my fears deter him, nor are they stopping his warm breath or his desire.
"I want to be inside you," he presses his body against me, "I want to bury my face in your hair and smell it, to hear you panting in my ears." His fingers tease me, moving closer and then gliding away from the connection between my legs. If he doesn't stop, I'll have to beg, even though I would explode if I allowed him to touch me higher than the place he’s already touching.
"We can't," I sigh, "Viv might wake up."
"There's no way in the world we'll do it for the first time when she's in the other room," he sucks my earlobe, "because I can assure you I won't be quiet."
"You were never quiet." Blood rushes through my veins.
"I know. You said I was talker."
"I said you were a babbler, and your mouth was as dirty as your thoughts."
"As far as can I remember, you liked it, and I'm happy to tell you it hasn't changed."
I cling to Colin, close my thighs on his hand and with my body I beg him not to stop touching me.
"Elizabeth," he whispers, running his thumb over my clitoris, an unsatisfied sigh slipping from my mouth, "we have to stop now."
"I'm ready," I whisper back.
"Not tonight," he moves his thumb once more, "soon, I promise."
"Please . . ." I just want him to touch me at that exact point, to give me what only he can.
"My love," he says, burying his head in the hollow of my neck. "We can't, not like that."
He slowly pulls his hand away from the warm place it found between my legs, and it's gone, not on my skin and not inside me. My guts turn upside down, because he took me where he wanted and played my body, and I let him. I begged like someone without a backbone and a will, like someone who depended on him.
I push myself away from him, gather my thoughts, move my back from the sofa and, without looking at him, stand up. He tries to grab my arm, but I pull it away wildly.
"Good night, Colin." The impact of my voice resonates sharply.
"Lizzie, you know I want you."
"I'll see you in the morning," I straighten my shirt with teary eyes. "Go to bed, we have a long drive tomorrow."
"Don't do that."
I refuse to answer him. Turning my back on him, I go into the bedroom and close the door.
What humiliation. How miserable can I be, begging him to satisfy me only to hear him refuse. His ego must be exploding. I get into bed, close my eyes and listen to Viv's breathing.
He knew we couldn't do anything, so why did he start at all? Why did he put his hand between my legs? Just to prove what power he had over me? Turn me into a marionette dancing to his notes?
The insult lashes me like a whip, leaving red marks on me.
That's what he wanted, to prove that he can always get what he wanted from me. To show me that eventually I won’t be able to resist him, and he succeeded.