Chapter 35
Avidya
“Knees should be shoulder width apart. Start by placing your knees together and then spread them apart,” Zachariah stated before pausing to let me get into the current pose he wanted me to try. It was the first pose, and apparently one of the easier ones.
I was kneeling on a silk pillow so my knees wouldn’t bruise or hurt from the position. My hands were lying palm down on my knees as I had my butt on top of my heels.
“Sometimes, the Dom will want your hands laced behind your back or behind your head, but for now, this is perfect. Shoulders back, yet relaxed,” he went on, circling me. “If your feet fall asleep, you can kneel farther up on your knees, if need be.”
Kneeling here in front of him brought back memories to the first time that I had met him, but that time I had been forced to kneel in front of this man. This time my emotions were not mixed with fear and worry. Instead, they were of impending happiness and anticipation. I was willing to be kneeling here, if only for meditation purposes. For now.
I could see myself kneeling in this exact position, giving him a blow job. Did he see that, too? Would I be at that stage soon enough to try something so thrilling as that?
“When you get more comfortable, I’d love to see how you respond with being bound,” he mused. Louder, “You can also do the face down position, which is where you rest your head down on the floor, arms outstretched while on your knees. I don’t expect you to be able to hold that pose for very long, as it will put your lower legs to sleep.”
I tried it out, letting my hands reach out above my head as I rested my forehead against the warm carpet. I could feel my body stretch, pulling out the kinks that I didn’t know were there. I could also understand why my legs would easily fall asleep in this pose.
“Of course,” he went on after another moment. “You can just sit with your legs crossed on the cushion if you prefer. But whatever pose you choose, please try to keep your shoulders back in a relaxed hold. Being stiff won’t achieve anything. The mediation is meant to relax you and let go of your thoughts.”
“I know what it is,” I stated, pushing myself up in a near mocking tone.
“Glad we got that cleared up,” he replied, a silent threat to his words. With my tone, I knew what he was hinting at.
Punishments weren’t exactly laid out all too well yet since he felt I wouldn’t need them right away. I didn’t think it’d be too bad, but I knew they would be detailed soon enough. The past few days since going over the agreement, I noticed more how his voice changed. From a demanding hint to a calm tone. His voice alone gave me the idea of how my body would react.
“I’ll leave you to do your meditation now,” Zachariah stated. “Remember, ten minutes this week.”
“I remember,” I repeated him. That fact was a bit hard to forget, but I kept my tone in check, not wanting to push him.
“Afterward, I have a bit of business to attend to. You are welcome to join me if you’d like,” he spoke.
“Where at?” I asked, looking up at him from my spot. He was so much taller from this view.
“One of my clubs. I usually only pop in once or twice a month unless needed otherwise. Travis keeps it up most of the time until he disappeared on us. Now with him back, I just need to check things over before I step back once more.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, not entirely understanding what he meant. “Sure.”
“It’s not the normal type of club you’d find,” he warned. “It’s daytime, so there shouldn’t be a whole lot going on, but it will be more than what the books you’ve read so far might have.”
“Some of those books had descriptive pictures,” I said, holding my eyes to his. “I can handle it.”
“I’m sure you can,” he smiled and ran a hand down my hair, causing my heart to skip a beat once more.
He left me then so I could finish my homework. It was strange to think of it as homework, since to me, it really wasn’t homework per say. It was a means to keep my calm and learn balance.
I sat cross-legged, my hands palm down on my knees and closed my eyes after setting the timer for ten minutes. I made sure to keep my shoulders back in the correct posture, and took deep breaths to center myself.
I knew what this was meant to achieve, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure what I expected out of it. Was I supposed to let my thoughts wonder? Or was I to clean them away and just sit here?
Now that I was thinking, my brain wouldn’t stop. I thought of what possibly Zachariah liked. Did he enjoy tying women up, making them bound and helpless? Would he do that to me in time? That thought wasn’t as scary as it should have been. A few weeks ago, it certainly would have been more than frightening and send me running.
The thought of just having my hands tied up above my head as I laid flat out on my back caused my core to throb. I felt my face heat with red at the same time. I had never dared to touch myself in such a way, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to.
Masturbation is forbidden unless your dom gave you permission the books had said, but surely if Zachariah taught me how to, it could be worth it. Surely pleasure with my soon to be husband would consist of such touching, right?
I had no idea.
When would he start with his training sessions on getting me ready? Did he expect me to be naked and waiting without any warm up?
I had no idea what to expect for our wedding night. Heck, I couldn’t even know what to expect tonight!
My breaths began to come faster as my thoughts swirled in circles.
Crap, crap, crap! I chanted in my head, willing my chest to quite seizing with each short choppy breath I took in.
“Avidya, honey,” Zachariah’s voice reach me. He seemed way too calm for what my breathing was doing. Or lack of breathing, really. At least my thoughts stopped trying to figure out the whole oncoming sex. Instead, it was focused on why I couldn’t breathe correctly.
“Avidya,” he stated, his breath washing over my face. “Listen to my voice, honey. You’re in a panic attack. Try to match your breathing with mine. In. Out. In. Out.”
I tried to copy his, but my body wouldn’t do it right. Oh, God, was I going to die?
“Hey,” his voice became sterner as he laid a hand on my cheek. “It’s okay. I’m right here. Please, Avidya deep breaths.”
Once more, this time successful, I followed his cue on breathing in and out. After what felt like hours, I was finally able to calm my breathing, at least enough to where I didn’t think I was going to die.
“There ya go,” he soothed.
It wasn’t until then that I noticed I was in sitting on his lap, his arms holding me tight and my head resting against his chest. I could hear his pounding heart next to my ear as I slowly regained back my senses.
One of his hands moved to my hair, smoothing it down. I didn’t want to move; didn’t want to recall why I was in his lap. Although, I certainly enjoyed being held by him at any time.
“Can you tell me why you panicked?” Zachariah asked quietly after a moment.
Knowing that he’d get the answer out of me one way or another, and not feeling like fighting off the questions, I told him. I told him everything. Told him that I was worried about having sex with him. I was worried about not being good enough the first time; worried about not pleasing him. Worried that he wouldn't fit or be a huge disaster.
He sat there, listening to my fears that seemed to come out of nowhere. I didn’t understand why they came now with everything I’ve been through lately, but they did.
When I was finished, he didn’t reply right away. Was he mad at me? Was I already a disappointment?
“Fears are normal,” he finally spoke, still holding me in his lap after drying my tears off my face with his thumb. “I didn’t think meditation would be what would set you off. I knew a panic attack would likely happen sooner or later – it usually does with newcomers into my world. I hadn’t countered in everything else you’ve been through, and I should have.” He paused, wetting his lips.
“When we do have sex, I’ll make sure you are ready, both mentally and physically. Surely you know we can’t put it off on the wedding night, since my . . . the family has certain customs about needing proof that we consummated our marriage. I will do everything I can to make sure that you are as ready as you possibly can be for that night. I promise, Avidya, I will explain it more when the time comes.”
“Mafia family custom, I take it?” I asked out, lifting my eyes to his.
“Yeah,” he grimaced. “I was never a fan of the way my grandfather demands it, but he will want proof. I believe I’ve gotten him talked out of standing in the same room watching, given how new you are to my lifestyle. And the fact that we aren’t bringing together two existing families.”
“He’ll want to see the bed,” I muttered in disgust.
“Unfortunately, yes. I’m sure he’ll even test the blood that is left there afterward,” he replied as I shivered in worry and disgust. “That gives us plenty of time to play and get you ready, though. I will have you begging for me that night, so you do not need to fret about it. Everything will work out just fine when the time comes.”
“Were you going to tell me?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to,” he stated. “But I would have, yes. I don’t want to hide anything from you. To deal with how my family works, I want you to know everything in time. Are you calmer now?” he finished.
“Yeah,” I yawned out. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I panicked, and it kind of came out of nowhere.”
“There is no need to apologize, kitten,” he said before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “It will most likely happen again at some point. That’s why I’ve been taking it so slow with you. I don’t want to push you too much at once.”
“I need to be pushed, though,” I stated, turning so I faced him fully and knowing how true my words were. “I know I’m not ready for everything, but to get anywhere, I have to be pushed.”
“You are a lot stronger than I ever give you credit,” he muttered to himself. “You amaze me, more than I ever thought you could.”
I gave him shrugged smile. I was different here with him that I ever knew. He tested my limits I didn’t know were there in a good way.
I knew in time, that my limits would be tested more often, and I was okay with that.
“Just talk to me about your worries, at any time. I’ll be here to listen, alright? Also, I would like for you to start keeping a journal of questions or feeling you may be having, that way we can discuss them,” Zachariah stated.
“I’ll try,” I whispered, my eyes drawn to his lips as he spoke.
I had this desire to kiss them, to feel them once more against my own.
“That’s all I can ask for,” he said.
With one deep breath, I took the chance to press my lips against his, taking him by surprise. He only froze for a moment before his lips returned to kiss as his hands tangled themselves in my hair at the base of my neck.
The kiss went straight to my core, causing small butterflies to grow in my lower stomach. I didn’t doubt his words, his promise, that I’d be ready for our wedding night. Zachariah knew me well enough to know just how to make me crave more, no matter if it was a simple kiss or more.