Bonus Chapter - Journal Entry
It’s been years since I’ve written in one of these. Doc thinks this will help with my depression, but I don’t see how writing down my past aggressions is going to help change anything. Ever.
This won’t change what I have done willingly. It can’t atone to the reason for me giving up my life to save two lives. There is no reason. No Hope. Nothing left.
Doc says I should start at the beginning, to make sure that whoever takes my case next can read these words to understand why I am the way I am now. I still don’t see the whole point, but I’ll give it a shot. Who knows if anyone will take over my case anyways. I may not be here for them to do so.
I am Rachael Mrya and I am twenty-six. Today should be a day of celebration, but it’s anything but that.
About ten years ago, I was introduced to a boy, because at the time, that was what he was, a boy. My sister, who is four years older, brought him home one night while my – our- parents were out to some theater thing. They planned to be back late, giving Lori enough time to act like the uncontrollable teenager she was known to be.
I was fifteen at the time, and just starting to notice the boys. I thought this boy hung the moon, even when he completely ignored me.
Lori started to bring him over more and more, and in doing so caused me to start crushing on him. Hard.
After my sixteenth birthday, he finally noticed me. I was thrilled. Beyond thrilled really.
Being the middle child, I tended to be invisible, but not as much as the youngest. Lynn could always get away with just about anything. But at other times, I tended to be blamed for everything both sisters did wrong.
When Aaron noticed me, I thought we had just clicked. I guess at first my parents found out Lori had brought him over, I know that there was bad blood between both sides, but Aaron was starting to see me behind my sister’s back, as well as other girls. He was after sex with just about anyone, no matter who they were.
I thought I could win him over.
Major fail, though.
Shortly before I turned seventeen, and when I thought I was so in love with Aaron, Lori shared some news that wasn’t all that surprising.
She was pregnant.
Aaron skipped town, knowing how true it was. Lori did try to be a good mom, I had to give her credit for that.
She straightened up a lot. She quit drinking and smoking. Started to get her life together.
I became the one that she cried to. She had no idea what Aaron and I did behind her back, and I never could get the courage to tell her. It’d have broken her heart more.
Being young, I was stupid. I see that know and how Aaron took clear advantage of me and my feelings. I let him do it. No one would be able to understand that I only wanted his attention, any attention.
Lori told me how Aaron was the huge drug dealer, not only hers that she used but mostly the entire towns. He was also the famous sex god around town. Somehow, I never did catch an STD, luckily. Anyhow, Lori was beyond pissed.
Six months after Lori gave us the news, a little boy was born into the world. Travis Von Hartwell. I have no idea why she gave the boy his last name. He didn’t deserve it.
When Travis was a year old, Lori took him away and moved to who knows where.
No one heard from her for years.
I went about my life, trying to figure out what I was gonna do with my life. My crush that should have never happened was gone, and life went on, as it should.
I think dad started to get into some big trouble around then, too. Lynn started calling me upset at least twice a week after I moved out into a small apartment I was able to afford with my full-time job. Mom and dad were fighting nonstop, and she was confused on why.
Now, our parents weren’t the best. I think they got married for the wrong reasons, but I stayed out of their business.
A few months later, Lynn was forced to marry and move away. Cody, I think was who she married. I never did like him.
Cody Ray was not someone who Lynn would ever want to marry on her own terms.
I only met her a handful of times, and he seemed like he wanted to take too much control over everything. He just gave off that vibe and talking for Lynn when I was around being a big sign.
About a week before the wedding, Aaron showed back up out of the blue.
Cody and Aaron got along way too well and one thing ended up to another thing. Truthfully, I don’t remember much during the time he was there. I tried to stay away from both of them as much as possible. At least until the night of the wedding when I had no choice but to attend the after party.
I’m pretty sure I was drugged that night, right along with Lynn as we both woke up the next day naked and feeling like utter crap. It was probably a good idea I don’t remember anything.
A few weeks later, Lori showed back up, childless and high as a kite. Travis was reported missing while Lori was taken to rehab, where she promised to try better. I didn’t see her again after that, nor did I ever see Travis again. I never did find out what happened to that sweet little boy. Did he end up with is a father after all? Or did he die because of his mother’s drug habit? I sure hope he lived a happy life, and still alive today. But I don’t hold out much hope.
Then a few weeks after Lynn’s wedding, I found out I was pregnant. To say my parents were thrilled would not be the word to use. They hated it. I either had the option of getting rid of the thing or leaving town.
I choose to leave town. With nowhere to go, I still left. I had no one to help me, but I was able to find a new full-time job, and I made the best of life that I could.
Aaron had vanished once more, which wasn’t anything new. That’s what he did best.
As the months passed and my due date came closer and closer, I knew what I had to do. I wasn’t making enough money, no matter how hard I tried. I hated myself for even thinking of such an option, but as my hours got cut down at the work, I was left with less and fewer choices.
After my power was cut off, I knew I had to do it.
It didn’t help that I knew Aaron was slowly making me go insane. I swear he was following me, leaving me threats on my door and in my mail. He hinted that I needed to take care of the little problem, or he would do so.
Lynn made a deal with Cody. To do what he wanted and not fight him any longer, she would take my child after it was born and raise it as their own. I begged them to take it, knowing it would die if they didn’t. Now, me begging Cody, you have to know that I really thought the threats were real and that Aaron would track the child down and kill it himself if I let any other family take it.
Although, it may have been better off, having two loving parents and a happy family to grow up around.
The week after Lori killed herself gave me the strength to let, no beg, Lynn to take my child. I knew Lori loved Travis, but her death was reported as a suicide. I knew better Aaron made her overdose.
After I gave birth to a girl, who I held at arm’s length, I gave her to the only family I had left. I know it wasn’t right to do it, doing it under the table, so to speak. No documents were created. They could certainly get in huge trouble, but Cody said he’d be able to get the papers needed without a problem.
He also promised to keep her safe.
I believed him.
I stood with tears in my eyes that day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to let a child go just like that? Even if it meant to keep them safe? Isn’t that a parent’s job to do – to protect their children?
The first few months, Lynn would write me, telling me how my girl – Avidya – was. She was thriving. Happy and alive.
I thought she’d be happy and have a long life that would be amazing. A life I couldn’t give her.
It broke my heart.
As years passed, Lynn stopped writing. I sank deeper into depression until I couldn’t sink any lower. I had been living off of how well my daughter was, thinking she was safe and happy. Did she get hurt when Lynn stopped writing to me?
The day I attempted to kill myself was the day Lynn showed up, pulling me from the depths of despair, mostly. She caught me as I put that gun to my head and talked me down.
Some days, I wish she hadn’t.
Before she got me into a psych ward, she told me things. Things no one should know.
Cody had plans for my sweet girl. Plans that would make him gain power, but cause her life to be miserable in the end.
Aaron’s brother wanted my girl, and I refused to let that happen. Lynn promised me she’d find a way, that she had connections that even Cody didn’t know about. Connections that would keep us all safe when the time came.
Lynn promised she’d make sure Avidya would be safe.
The day I found out my daughter was missing was as bad as the day I gave her up. I wouldn’t get the chance to tell her how sorry I was for everything. I’d never be able to see how perfect she’d be. I knew that with her missing, there was no hope of her being returned.
Cody is a man of power, and I never would bet against him. If him and Aaron worked together, my daughter would be floating down the river, dead as dirt, soon enough.
But no matter what Cody had done, he’d pay the price. I would make sure of that.
That’s probably the reason I’m still here. I’m a danger to society and myself. Depression Is only the beginning of my problems. No one can help take away the pain of my failure I feel with every waking moment.
I was surprised that my doc even mentioned writing again with knowing how much I hate writing these days.
I had dreams of becoming something more, but that didn’t happen. Nothing good ever came out my life.
I’m sure nothing will ever change; it never does. I do hope that one day, my only daughter will be safe, in death or life. I hope she can understand and forgive me for doing what I have done.
I know I will never get to see her, and I think I finally processed that, as sad as it is. I will never forget her, wherever she may be today.
I just hope that death will now find me.