Chapter Twenty-Nine

Jase

"Mr. Jergensmeyer, Dr. Barton is ready to see you now."

Nothing screams you're completely fucked in the head like sitting in a hospital with other people that are fucked in the head. 

This wasn't my first rodeo with good old Dr. Barton, but each time pressed a nerve and damn if I didn't want to run the other way. The only thing keeping me going was the sound of my sweet girl’s voice when I called her after each of these so called "help" sessions. 

I followed the little to0-chipper-for-the-job-she-had chick until she opened the door of doom, as I liked to call it. Dr. Barton was in the same place he always was, and I wondered if the dude ever actually got up from that chair. I mean, he's gotta piss sometime, but I had yet to see it.

"Hello, Jase, go ahead and have a seat." 

The door closed, and once again, it was torture time. I sat down in my usual chair and thought about how many other screwed in the head chumps had sat in the very same spot.

"So, how's this week gone for you?"

He led with the same stupid question every time. So, I gave him the same answer as I always did.

"It sucked."

"Can you tell me why that is?"

"Can you come up with a new question?"

He didn't look happy, but neither was I. It had been a month. A month. And nothing had changed. Red was off living her dream, and I was stuck in hell.

"What you’re telling me, I'm guessing, is that you still haven't had another episode?"

"Not a one."

I sat forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees.

"How am I supposed to know if I'm better if nothing is changing?"

"Everything is changing."

The man was two seconds from my foot going up his ass.

"Look, Doc, I'm here because I need to be. I don't have time for you to spout bullshit at me."

He lifted his right leg and crossed it over his left, staring at me the whole time.

"Why don't you just tell me about the last time you spoke with Shelby?"

Same old shit, different day.

"Well, this morning I called and woke her up to tell her I love her and to have a good day. Then she called me on her way to work and told me a funny story about Izzy, her roommate, having explosive diarrhea. That about sums it up."

He sat back and clicked his pen against the notepad in his lap.

"What about you? What have you been doing this week?"

"I did what you asked me to."

"And?"

"And what?"

"How did the conversations go?"

"Each one of them was surprised to hear from me, but I can't blame them. How many people keep in touch with their platoon after they are discharged?"

"You'd be surprised. Did you ask them how they are doing?"

"Not really. I mean, it's not like they're going to open up to me and tell me their life story. This shit is embarrassing for all of us. No one wants to fight for their country only to be burdened with PTSD. That's not what we signed up for."

"But in a way, you did."

That pissed me off.

"How? How did we agree to never be the same guy again? To never be trusted with the people we love the most? To hurt the ones we love the most? If you think I knew this was going to happen, you're the crazy one sitting here, not me!"

"That's not what I was saying, and you know it. You are the only one in charge of your actions. Orders are orders, but from what the reports say, no one ordered you to go after the gunman like you did. These were your choices."

"What's the point?"

"The point is, did any of them act as if you calling them was a waste of time, or were they happy to hear from you?"

"It was good."

"Then learn from that. You carry guilt that they don't. Why? You saved their lives."

"I did what needed to be done."

"Have you thought about why you haven't had the nightmares since?"

"Of course I have. Why else do you think I'm here?"

He allowed his leg to fall to the floor and sat up to face me.

"Here's your homework for the week. Find your trigger. The one thing that sets these nightmares off. We will talk about it next week."

And that was it. Nothing more. He was done, and I had no idea how to figure out anything with the little he gave me.

"Thanks again for nothing."

I got up and walked out of the room no closer to seeing my girl as I was when I walked in.

When I got to my truck, the first thing I always did was call her. I needed something to smile about, and she was the only thing that could do it.

"Well, hey there, stud! How'd it go?"

And the smile was there.

"Same thing, different week. I swear that man is just trying to make me miserable."

"Oh, don't say that. He's got to have a plan. That, or he's just trying to keep you from getting laid."

I laughed and told her, "He can't keep me from my own hand and FaceTime so—"

"Don't even finish that sentence, Jase!"

I could hear her smile through the phone, so my attempt to embarrass her clearly worked.

"How was your day at work?"

I loved hearing how happy she was there. You would think I wanted her to need me to be happy, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. 

"Good! Sally said I was the best thing to happen to the company and she sees me going places fast. How cool is that?"

Sally was Red's boss and her biggest cheerleader.

"That's awesome, and it doesn't surprise me a bit. Anything you touch turns to gold, babe."

"I love you something fierce."

Every time she would say those words it gave me strength to fight this ugly ass demon inside of me head on.

"I love you too. More than you will ever know."

"Oh, I know. I just can't wait until you can show me again."

I was rock hard sitting in a public parking lot. Wonderful.

"Believe me, woman, I don't ever stop thinking about it."

I pulled the truck out on the road needing to get out of there before someone walked by and saw my shorts sticking straight up. 

"So, what's the plan for the rest of your day?"

"Izzy wants to go to the beach for a bonfire and then hit up a club later."

"That sounds like fun. But be careful. I'm not there to keep you safe and knowing you have both feet back means you're not limited anymore."

"How about I call you tonight when we get back and tell you all about it?"

"I'll be waiting."

We said goodbye, and only after I knew she was off the phone did I punch my steering wheel and scream. I was happy for her, don't get me wrong. I just hated I was missing out on everything we had planned together. There was nobody to blame but myself. I was what stood in the way of that happening. I just needed to find my trigger, and fast.