Chapter Thirty-Six

Jase 

"So you think you have it figured out?"

"No, not at all, but Red brought up a good point when she woke up this morning and—"

"Shelby is here?"

"Well, not anymore. I dropped her off at the airport before I drove over but we were talking and she said something about stress and anxiety."

"Hmm, she did, did she?"

I wasn't sure if he was being condescending or inquisitive. With this prick it could be both.

"Yeah, and the more I've thought about it, the more it makes sense. I hadn't put too much thought into the why but more the what. I assumed something had to set me off or someone, but not the emotion itself."

"I think you may be on to something."

For the first time in that office, I felt hope, which caused me to open up more than I ever had before.

"Well, the first time I remember waking up screaming was in the Medic area in Baghdad. No one even looked at me like it was abnormal. I have plenty of bad dreams, but the nightmares are sporadic. The night of Duffy's funeral it happened again. This time I found myself outside the hotel when I woke up and it scared the piss out of me."

"Jase, I have to say, this is the first time you have pinpointed significant episodes to me. You clearly have been thinking on this."

"Yeah, I haven't stopped since I left the airport."

"So, were there more before you met Shelby?"

"Yeah, a few. When I came home and everyone treated me differently, when I realized the house wouldn't pay for itself and I needed to find a job, and then after the first night I took Red out."

"So what does this tell you?"

"I'm still not sure but I assume, like Red said, the anxiety is my trigger."

"There just might still be hope for you yet. But are you willing to do what's necessary?"

"That isn't even a question you have to ask me. Where do I sign up?"

"We're going to start with Imaginary Rehearsal Therapy, also known as IRT."

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I never backed down from a challenge. 

It had been weeks since Red had left and every passing day got harder and harder.  

"Hey, babe."

"Hi! So how did it go?"

"Well, seems kind of stupid really. I mean I have to tell them exactly how my dreams play out and then I have to make up another way for it to end and repeat over and over again. I don't see how this is going to help but you know I'm willing to do anything to be with you again."

"Just try your hardest for me. I need you better. Being here is okay, but being without you isn't."

"I know, Red, and I'm trying my best, I promise you that. So, tell me about your day."

"Nothing exciting. I worked, came home, and cooked dinner. That's about it."

"Is Izzy there or over at Rick's again?"

"At Rick's."

Izzy had been dating this guy for a while now and never seemed to be there for my girl like she used to. I hated that Red was there alone.

"So, did you work today?"

"Yeah, I sure did, and I got to see the baby too. He's getting so big already."

I heard her sigh, and it broke my heart. I know she liked hearing about these things, but I know she hated that she was so far away.

"Did you take any pictures?"

"You bet I did."

"Send them to me please when we get off the phone."

"I always do. Red?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, I'm just tired. I think I'm going to go take a nap. Can I call you tomorrow?"

I wasn't expecting that.

"Uh, okay. Talk to you tomorrow. And, Red?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I heard her sniffle and knew she was crying as she hung up the phone. Sitting in my house, I looked around. I had grown up in that house yet everything was feeling less and less like home without her.

I went through weeks of IRT, and it did start to change my dreams. I never in a million years had any faith in the process, but that just goes to show, I had no idea what I was up against. 

"So, how have you been sleeping?"

"I still have nightmares. When will they stop all together, Doc? I need to get better."

He looked at me, and I knew I wasn't going to like his answer by his expression. 

"You're looking at this all wrong. It isn't about fixing a problem; it's about managing it."

Nope, I didn't like it at all.

"Okay, so I keep doing IRT, what's next?"

"You're making great progress, but there is something I also would like to try. Have you ever noticed how many times you wake up at night?"

"Well, I haven't counted, but I'd say a lot."

"That's what I thought. I want you to have a sleep study done. There might be more to this than we know, and that's the only way to find out."

So I went for the sleep study. I can't really complain about anything when it came to that. They gave me the softest bed imaginable and everything I would need to get a good night’s sleep, outside of being hooked up every way possible with electrodes and belts across my chest and stomach. I know it sounds bad, but it really wasn't. When I woke the next morning, I was positive I hadn't slept that good in years. The results proved either I was wrong or my average nights’ rest doesn't really exist. They gave me a CPAP nasal pillow to use at night but that was the worst thing I could have done.

"So how have you been sleeping since using the CPAP?"

"Dr. Barton, I threw that piece of shit in my closet and am never getting it out again."

I'm pretty sure he wasn't expecting that response. 

"Why is that?"

"I have never slept worse. The damn thing kept me up all night, every night. I tried for four days and gave up."

"Well, then it looks like we try something else."

The road back to Red just got longer.