Chapter Thirty-Seven

Jase 

Two more months went by and nothing new was working other than the group therapy I had offered to join. Talking to other Vets was something I never thought I would want to do but I was getting desperate. Luckily, the group I entered was filled with men, like myself, that weren't off their rocker messed up but just normal guys with issues they couldn't seem to get past.  Some had triggers I wouldn't put on my worst enemy, like one dude's was watching hands. Yeah, we had to search people and hands were a big thing over there, but I couldn't imagine being scared every time I couldn't see someone's hands. 

I went back two times a week to sit and talk with the guys, and it wasn't all bad. In fact, we laughed a lot about things that civilians just wouldn't understand. 

I did begin to notice one guy named Randy wasn't talking as much when we would bitch about our problems. He laughed and shared stories but seemed to be complaining less and less. After a meeting one day, I walked outside and found him still in the parking lot. I wasn't sure if approaching him outside of a meeting was cool or not, but I needed to know if he had found something I hadn't yet. I decided I had nothing to lose. 

He was getting in his Jeep when I called out, "Hey, Randy, got a minute?"

When he turned and saw me approach him, he didn't seem guarded so I went for it.

"Yeah, sure, what's up?"

"Man, I don't mean to pry, but I noticed you have seemed different lately and wanted to know if maybe you were trying something new? I'm getting desperate."

He laughed and said, "Aren't we all? But yeah, I don't know how you picked up on it, though. I've only been taking it for a month but it seems to be helping a lot."

"A pill? Seriously? What is it? I was sure they were saying meds don't help."

"Yeah, I thought that too but went for it anyway. It’s called Prazosin."

It was like all the angels in heaven were singing praise.

"Thanks, man, I appreciate this."

"No problem, I hope it helps."

As soon as I got in my truck, I called Dr. Barton and told him about what I learned. 

"I'm surprised you're willing to take any medication. You said you were completely against that from the beginning."

"Doc, I said a lot of stupid shit in the beginning. Right now I'm willing to try anything."

"I'll send out the script and see you in four days."

Right after we hung up, I dialed Red's number, but when she answered she sounded terrible. 

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"I have the flu, nothing to worry about."

"Saying that isn't going to make it happen. When did you start feeling bad?"

"Late last night I woke up puking my guts out. I haven't thrown up since around eleven but my whole body hurts."

"I'm sorry. I wish I was there to take care of you."

"Me too."

When she said things like that, I knew she didn't mean to hurt me, but it stung matter what.

"I got a new medication to try. It sounds like it could help."

"I really hope it does, Jase. This is getting too hard."

"What is?"

I panicked. Was there someone else? Why would she even think about giving up?  Fuck, I was trying every way I knew how.

"This, us, here. It's just hard."

"Red, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong and we can fix it."

"We can't fix it. You've been trying and nothing’s working."

The sting just went to third degree burn. 

"You don't mean that. Get some sleep, babe. We can talk tomorrow when you are hopefully feeling better."

"Okay."

Just okay? God, I was screwed. 

"I love you so much."

"Love you too." And then she was gone.

I drove to Walgreens and paced the aisles as I waited for them to fill my script. Our conversation played over and over in my head, but I couldn't figure out what the hell could have happened in less than twenty-four hours. How her whole attitude toward me could change. I couldn't lose her. I just couldn't. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and was ready to buy the next flight out to see her, make her face me, but I knew that would only make it worse. Until I was positive my nightmares were under control, she couldn't be near me. With my phone still in my hand, I opened her Spotify and sent her the song from the movie she made me watch. It was one of her favorites, and if anything could make her smile, I was willing to try. Besides, I'm not going to lie, I had been sending it to her randomly, hoping she would think of me. 

By the time they called my name, I was so wound up, all I wanted to do was go home and be alone. I was losing my girl, and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me slowly.

I tried calling her again when I got home, but she didn't answer and sitting there alone didn't seem like the best idea, either, so I headed to Canyon's. When I got there, Amelia met me in driveway and jumped into my arms.

"Jase.”

"You just saw me this morning, cutie pie."

"Yeah, but you're back."

"That I am. Hey, is your dad around?"

"He's on the porch singing to Momma."

"He is, is he?"

I left her in my arms and made my way around the back of the house.  Sure as shit, there they were. That dude had more charm in his back pocket than anyone I ever met. 

I cleared my throat and the guitar playing stopped immediately. Arianna stood up, saw me, and laughed. "It's only Jase. Your pride can stay intact." Canyon stood next and rested his guitar against the wall before the door swung open and he began walking down the steps to the yard. 

"Is something wrong?"

With Amelia in my arms, I didn't want to answer yes so I set her down and waited for her to run to her mother before I said, "Can we talk?"

He didn't hesitate. "Sure thing, let's take a walk."

We made it through the barn before I could ask, "Has Red been seeing anyone else that you know of?"

I'm pretty sure that was the last thing he thought I would ever ask him.

"Not that I know of, why? What makes you think that?"

"Just something she said to me today when we were talking. I mean, man, I have been working my ass off to try to be everything she needs. I can't lose her now. It would have all been for nothing."

"What did she say? You might be freaking out for nothing."

"That things, us, it's just getting too hard. What am I supposed to think?"

I watched as he took his hat off and ran his hand through his hair.

"Jase, you're basically part of this family so I'm going to give you the best advice I can give you. Don't do this for her, do it for you. She's either going to stay or she's going to go, but you can't control that. All you can control is being the best man that you can be, and we all have faith that you're doing everything to get there."

That was not what I wanted to hear. I needed to hear how much she loves me. Clearly, he wasn't who I should have talked to. Ariana would have probably been the best choice, but I wasn't going to have this conversation twice. I already felt like the biggest chump on the planet opening up to him.

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks, man, I needed to hear that."

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Anytime." 

I was screwed. 

That night, lying in bed, I knew there was no better time to try the new medication out. With as shitty as I felt, I had no doubt my nightmares would be roaring. The only thing I was grateful for was the fact I never bought that flight. Being there and seeing what I already knew was her giving up, it would have solidified probably the worst nightmare to come. Luckily, I didn't have think about for long. Within twenty minutes of taking the medication, I was asleep. 

The next morning, I woke only remembering a bad dream. No nightmares, no sweats or screams. I was still in my fucking bed. As the shock wore off, I jumped out bed and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Thank you, God." There was hope for me yet. Either that or I was one lucky son-of-a-bitch for the night.

Four days later, I sat down in Dr. Barton's office a happy man. Practically singing when I told him, "I haven't had a single nightmare since I started the meds, Doc. Not one."

"It's good to see you in such a good mood, Jase. So, you are seeing good results from the Prazosin?"

"I still can't believe it. Of course, it's not perfect. I mean, I still think about over there in my dreams and it’s not good thoughts but it doesn't seem heavy. Like, when I wake up I don't feel drained because of it. I feel like I have energy and slept like a rock."

"That is great news. What did Shelby say about this?"

That one question destroyed my good mood.

"I haven't told her."

"Why?

"She hasn't been feeling well."

"Sorry to hear that. What does her not feeling well have to do with you telling her how happy you are?"

"She hasn't wanted to really talk."

I could tell he didn't understand it, either.

"That's interesting."

"No, it's actually bullshit. But what am I supposed to do? Force her to talk to me?"

"If that's what it takes."

I seriously never expected him to be on my side. I figured he would tell me to let her go if she wants to.

"I just need to give her space."

"No, that's the last thing you need to do. Now, this isn't very professional of me but when I see wrong I call it out. Make her talk to you."

"How? I can't go there."

"No, but you can have flowers delivered, right?"

"You are a damn genius!"