Unsteady

Today marks ten months to the day of the accident. Each time we hit one of these markers we’re all a bit on edge. Something feels different today, though. Things haven’t been this tense since Cadence’s birthday. That was a rough day for us all, including Veronica, but we did our best and made it through. I think we’re doing okay because Cadence is one happy little girl. Her favorite word is daddy and she uses it often. She calls Nate “NaNa” and it’s adorable.

Rory was here most of the day going over some things for the foundation. The two of us are back to being friends again, which is good because I missed her. Sawyer thinks he’s close to getting some permissions from the artists who own the songs on EP, so that’s positive news.

Both of us were hungover the day after his birthday, and we’ve never mentioned the near-miss, not-a-near-miss kiss we had. It was fine by me because it was a mistake no matter what it was. Lately, he’s been spending more time in the garage working on music. I’m not sure what kind, or what he’s planning on doing with it, but I’m afraid to even ask.

As I work on clearing up the paperwork from our meeting today, Sawyer comes out of his room freshly showered and looking good. Too good.

“Going somewhere?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m taking Lola out tonight.”

My heart races a million miles a minute with his words.

“I thought you didn’t like her?” I snap.

“She’s been there for me, Mel. I feel like I owe it to her, and maybe to myself, to try to see where this goes.”

“Oh, well … um … okay. Have fun.”

“Sure thing.”

“Hey, Sawyer?” I call out as he walks toward the door.

“Yeah, Mel?”

“Just be safe tonight, okay?”

His expression softens slightly. “Of course.”

When Sawyer leaves, I sit at the table and stare out at the ocean. Veronica has Nate and Cadence tonight, so I’m flying solo. Between her and Karen, they’ve been taking the kids at least once a month. It’s supposed to give me and Darren time to go out and do things, but neither of us ever do. It makes them feel closer to Belle and Noah to have them spend time with them, and for that reason alone I’d never deny them. It’s just lonely when they’re not here.

I spin my wedding rings around on my fingers and miss my husband more than ever. My nightmares have all but vanished with just a few rogue dreams here and there. After I read Sawyer’s journal, they started coming more frequently but in the right order, at least the order according to the journal. Then they slowed after a few weeks. Last night, I had the first one since this time last month. I know it’s the anxiety of what day it is that must be bringing them on.

I reach for my phone to text Anna and hesitate for a split second. Now that she and Wyatt are new parents, I hate to bother her. They had their baby last month; he’s the cutest little thing. Jacob Miles Smith made his appearance on May eleventh at three in the morning. He was a big boy at almost ten pounds, and he’s absolutely perfect.

Fuck it. She would want to know this.

Sawyer just took Lola out on a date.

Within minutes, my phone is ringing. “Hey, Anna.”

“Are you kidding me?!” she squeals.

“Nope.”

“Jesus, Mel, did he give you any notice or anything?”

“No, but it’s not like he needs to. I’m not his mother.”

She blows out a frustrated sigh. “You’re one of his best friends and you live with him. Did she just show up there?”

“Hell no. I would have lost my shit. He knows better than that. What am I supposed to do, Anna?”

“Noah would hate this.” She says and I hear her filling in Wyatt.

“Maybe she’s changed. Sawyer is a grown man and he wants more, Anna. Maybe Lola will be it for him.” The words taste foreign on my tongue. She’s bad news, I just know it.

“I’ll talk to him, Mel. Maybe if he hears it from me it will make a difference somehow. I’m not saying people can’t change, but I don’t think she’s one who ever will.”

“Maybe. I’m sorry to bother you with this I know you’re busy with Jacob. How is he, by the way? I miss him already.”

She laughs. “He’s good. You just saw him yesterday, but you’re welcome to come by anytime.”

“And you’re still feeling okay?” I don’t know when I suddenly became this mother hen to everyone, but it’s definitely become a new part of my personality.

“I’m great. Wyatt is a doting father and husband.”

“Good. Make sure you tell him I said to keep his O game away from you until the doctor says it’s okay.”

She cracks up and yells it out to him. I can hear him saying “yeah, yeah” in the background.

“What are you and Darren up to tonight?”

“He’s having dinner with his parents, the kids are with Veronica, and I’m sitting here spinning my wedding rings in circles and getting ready to drown myself in a bottle of tequila.”

Anna is silent for a minute. “Be careful, Mel. Remember what happened last time.”

I told Anna about how Sawyer kissed me. She hugged me and told me it would be okay and that it probably didn’t mean anything. I felt so guilty. I love my husband with my whole heart and I’d never want to do anything to hurt him. But Anna being her typical, blunt self, reminded me I can be married in my heart forever but I don’t have a physical husband anymore, and I technically didn’t do anything wrong. It felt wrong, though, even if a tiny part of it felt right.

“Yeah, I know, Anna. I won’t get too drunk. If I do, I’ll do it in my room.”

“You could come over if you want to.”

“No, you three enjoy your bonding time. I’ll be okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

A few hours and a half bottle of tequila later, I’m listening to music and filling some photo albums with pictures. Building memories for Nate always makes me feel better. I’m building them for Cadence, too. I’ve got matching albums for them because they’re together in almost all their pictures.

I wonder if Belle was right and they’ll grow up and get married. How adorable would it be to have all these childhood memories of them at their wedding one day? But then I think realistically and think it’s more likely they will grow up like brother and sister and never cross that line.

“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors plays through the house and I stand up to get some water. Hearing shuffling by the front door, I check out what’s going on. Ryan is on guard tonight because the guys don’t leave me alone without someone guarding the door.

Sawyer and Lola are standing at the door and she hands him something. He sees me and shoves it in his pocket and pulls her in for a hug. Whatever it was fell, but he doesn’t realize it.

“Let me walk you out,” he says to her and pulls her outside quickly.

Walking over to the door, I pick up what he dropped and my blood runs cold.

I’m so furious as I walk back into the kitchen, I can barely put one foot in front of the other. Is this why he’s been acting strange lately? Because he’s using again? Fuck!

It takes every ounce of willpower I have to not go beat that bitch down so she can never give him or anyone else drugs again. I won’t live like this, and I won’t subject my son to this kind of environment. I wonder if Darren knows. Hell, I wonder if Darren is using with him.

“Dammit, Noah, what do I do now?” I scream, releasing a desperate sob.

“Princess, what’s wrong?” Sawyer asks, turning me toward him.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Seriously, Mel, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?”

The concern on his face is evident, or maybe he’s an even better liar than I knew. “You have the audacity to ask me that?”

“Is this about Lola? It was dinner, Mel. I didn’t even kiss her.”

I bring my hands together in a slow clap. “Well, fucking bravo for you. Were you too high to get it up, or were you just using her to score?”

Immediately, he reaches into his pocket and his face pales when his hand comes back empty.

“Looking for this?” I ask, waving the baggie in front of my face.

“It’s not what you think, Mel. I can explain.”

“Tell it to someone who cares, Sawyer. I’m done! I will put up with a lot of shit, but this isn’t part of it. How long have you been using?”

Fury masks his features as he leans back against the counter and crosses his arms. “Is that what you think of me now? That I’m a druggie addict liar? Do you know me at all?”

Tears begin falling from my eyes as I toss the baggie to the table behind me. “I thought I did, Sawyer, but I’m not sure anyone has ever surprised me more.”

I turn and go to my room, locking the door behind me. Once I have my pajamas on, I turn off the lights and cry myself to sleep. Just like I have on the anniversary of this day for the past nine months. But tonight, the pain is worse because I feel like Sawyer is slipping through my fingers and I can’t imagine my life or Nate’s life without him.

When I woke up this morning, I pulled out my suitcases and opened them up on my bed. Now, I’m sitting here looking at the whales playing in the ocean, sipping my coffee, and debating my next step.

I’m freaking out on the inside but trying to stay rational. I can’t live here if Sawyer is using. I can’t have him around my son. But should I call the family and have an intervention? Karen and Owen can’t lose another child, and I can’t wrap my mind around why Sawyer would start using again. I know the anniversary days are hard, and we all cope the best we can, but why didn’t he talk to me if he was feeling this desperate? Why couldn’t he say something?

“Mel, can we talk?” Sawyer calls through the door.

“Come in.”

He gasps as he walks inside. “You’re leaving?”

With a sigh, I turn to where he just took a seat on the bed. “I’m not sure what I’m doing, Sawyer. I want to help you but I don’t know how. I thought we were friends.” Tears begin streaming down my cheeks again. He reaches out to wipe them away but I smack his hand. “I’ve never been as vulnerable with anyone as I have been with you since the accident. It breaks my heart you were hurting so much you couldn’t talk to me and went back to drugs.”

“Mel,” he runs his hands through his hair frantically, “you don’t understand.”

“Please enlighten me because I’m at a complete loss, Sawyer. Before last night, I never thought my heart could be broken any further. I was wrong. You shattered whatever was left. But I can’t raise my son in a house with an addict. I won’t.”

“I’m sorry. I was angry last night and let this go on too long. You were right, Mel. Lola was bad news.”

Releasing a combination of a snort and a laugh, my eyes lock on his. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Look, this is kind of embarrassing, okay? I took her to dinner at Duke’s and when we got in the car afterward, she did a line right in front of me.”

What the hell?

“She just busted it out right there?”

“Yeah. I was shocked, too. I was texting Wyatt back because someone told him and Anna I was making a bad life choice by going out with Lola.”

His tone makes me chuckle. “Well, it seems like that someone was right.”

“Yeah, you were. The whole way home she was telling me about her dealer boyfriend and how he’s the best in the business. That baggie was basically her calling card. My sample to test the goods for myself. She was hoping I could spread the word to my industry friends. I felt like I was being punked.”

I feel like a ten-pound weight has been lifted from my chest. “So you aren’t—”

“No, Mel, I’m not using again. I wouldn’t do that. Losing Noah was hard, and the urge was strong when it first happened, but do you know what was stronger? My love for you and Nate. He needed me, Mel, and that was more important than any high.”

“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I was drunk and it was a bad night. When I saw that, I freaked out. I don’t do well around drugs after my dad, and I felt like I’d somehow failed you.” I’m crying again, but this time he pulls me from the chair and into his arms.

“Don’t leave, Princess. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing with my life, but I do know you and Nate are the only things I’ve got that make it worth living right now.”

“What about the drugs?”

“I ran them down the drain last night. That’s not my life anymore. I feel sorry for Lola that this is her future. She’s an addict who plays people to get her boyfriend business. I mean, he’s basically pimping her. She didn’t even mention him until after dinner. She was all flirty and touchy feely. I know I could have fucked her if I wanted to but all I could think about was coming home … to you.”

“Because me and my scrapbooking are such high excitement for a Friday night.”

He leans his head against mine. “Because you’re my best friend, Mel, and I missed you.”

“You better not let Anna hear you say that.”

He laughs lightly. “People can have more than one best friend. Both of us are blessed with many of them. You’re the one I spend the most time with, though, so you’re the one I miss most.”

The underlying tone to this conversation is heavier than I’m willing to admit to myself. Right now, I’m just relieved it was all a misunderstanding.

“Can we agree Lola comes nowhere near this house anymore? I can’t have that around my son or Cadence.”

“For sure. I told her I wasn’t interested and put her in the car so Ryan could take her home. I didn’t even want to be associated with her in case anyone was taking photos or something.”

“Okay.”

He kisses me on the head and stands us both up. “What time are the kids coming home?”

“Around five, I think.”

“Good. Get dressed and let me take you to breakfast.”

“You want to buy me breakfast?”

“I want to do a lot of things, Mel. I was sad yesterday, ten months is a long time to be sad. I know things will never be the same, but after last night I realized we need to start living a little more outside of this house and our bubble.”

He’s ready to move on. I knew it would come but it stings a bit.

“Sawyer …”

“Nope, no arguments. We’ve walked this road together thus far and we’re going to keep walking it together. If I’m getting out of my bubble, so are you. Breakfast and the farmer’s market, okay?”

“You don’t play fair, Weston.”

“Neither do you, Weston. Get dressed.”

The waitress brings our food and places a hand on Sawyer’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your brother, sweetie, and your husband,” she says, turning to me. “He was one of the good ones.”

“Thanks,” he replies, and I nod. She’s an older woman, probably mid-fifties, with a kind smile.

“Let me know if you need anything else.”

As she walks away, he looks at me. “Sorry, I forgot I haven’t been in here since before the accident.”

“It’s alright. Do you know her well?”

“I guess … we used to come here a lot. Especially after pulling an all-nighter in the studio. The food is good, greasy, and fresh. This is Darren’s favorite breakfast spot.”

The diner is small and filled with mostly elderly people. No one blinked twice at us when we came in.

“Makes sense. It’s pretty low-key.”

He chuckles. “That’s why I like it. Darren has a love affair with their banana pancakes.”

Taking a bite of my banana waffles, I groan with pleasure. “I can see why.”

Sawyer pulls his lip ring into his mouth and bites down on his lip. He’s holding something back, I only wish he’d tell me what.

“Tell me one thing about you no one knows,” I say, trying to get him talking again.

He thinks about it for a minute and then flashes me an adorably shy smile. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor. Blood always made me queasy, but it was even worse after everything went down with J.”

“That explains why you always took such good care of me. You’re the only one who jumped at the chance to change my bandages.”

A slight blush creeps into his cheeks. “It might not have been for completely altruistic reasons. It was an easy way to somehow be able to touch you. Even so, you needed help, and Noah couldn’t do it after the Sara thing. Then, after the accident, you needed help and I didn’t want Eli putting his hands near you.”

Putting my fork on my plate, my gaze meets his. “You like to help people. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. I never felt needy asking your for help. You would have made a good doctor, Sawyer. You still could if you wanted to. You’re young enough to go back to school.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “Nah, it’s not for me anymore. How about you? Tell me one thing no one knows about you.”

“The day I found my dad, the police were the ones to give me my birthday present and card after they cleared the scene. I’ve never opened them. They’re in my bottom dresser drawer.”

“How come?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because it’s the last gift I’ll ever get from him, or maybe I want to save it for when I really need to feel close to him.”

“And Belle didn’t know?”

An ache fills my heart because I lied to her and can never make it right. “No. I told her I opened it and it was just some jewelry. She would have never let me get away with not opening it.”

“Maybe you should think about why that is. Enough of this sad talk, let’s go to the farmer’s market and have some fun.”

We had a fun afternoon and came home with lots of fruits and vegetables. We even stopped at the toy store and got Nate some presents for his first birthday. The house is already overflowing with baby toys, especially since Cadence’s first birthday, but you only turn one once and I can always donate them when they’re done with them.

Our fun day took a nosedive after Veronica brought the kids home. I’m sitting on the floor changing Cadence as Nate crawls right up to Sawyer’s legs and says the word I’ve been dreading.

“Dada.”

I know it’s a natural progression in language, and he hears Cadence say it all the time so I’m surprised he hasn’t said it sooner, but still … it steals my breath away.

Sawyer’s eyes meet mine because Nate is reaching up for him, so I nod for him to pick him up. I don’t know what to do, but Sawyer seems to hold his own.

“Hey, little man. Uncle Sawyer,” he says, pointing to himself.

“Dada.”

“Uncle Sawyer,” he says patiently, but now Nate thinks it’s a joke and laughs.

“Dada.”

“I’m sorry, Mel. I don’t know what to do but to keep saying it.”

“It’s okay, Sawyer. It’s natural, right? He sees Cadence call Darren that all the time and to him you’re his Darren. It only makes sense.”

Sawyer sighs with tear-filled eyes and hugs Nate close. My heart aches for all of us. This is an impossible situation, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with Nate calling anyone else Dad.

“You’ve got the best dad in the world, Nate, he’s just not here to do his job. You’ve got Uncle Sawyer, though, and I may not be the best but I make a pretty good substitute.”

“You are the best substitute, Sawyer. Thank you,” I whisper as I pull Cadence in for a hug.

“Ahmel,” Cadence says, placing a big, open-mouth, slobbery kiss on me. It makes me laugh, which makes her laugh and do it again. She’s such a little copycat. We think “Ahmel” is short for Auntie Mel.

The rest of the night I found myself sort of hoping Nate would call Darren Dada, too, but he never did. My son is a smart cookie and he knows what it means.

After the kids are in bed, Sawyer and I are sitting on his bed talking about some upcoming meetings he has this week with one of the songwriters. Both of us are in a little bit of a funk tonight.

“Mel, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I hate that Noah isn’t here for this, but it does sort of make me proud that Nate is smart enough to realize that’s what you are to him.”

“No, I’m not.” His tone is adamant while mine is resigned.

“I know, Sawyer, but you are in all the ways that matter. He’s too little to understand it now, but he knows who protects him and keeps him safe. Biology doesn’t make a parent, Sawyer.”

He turns to me with wide eyes. “No, it doesn’t, but love does. Noah loved the fuck out of him.”

“He did, and it’s what makes this all the more tragic. We can show Nate videos and photos and tell him until we’re blue in the face how much Noah loved him.”

“And we will,” he snaps.

“Yes, of course we will. But at the end of the day, it’s your love he has. It’s your hugs that make him feel safe, it’s your voice that sings him to sleep. I know you want to be a part of his life, Sawyer, but I think over the next year or so you’re going to have to decide how big of a role you want because he’s already attached.”

“There’s no deciding. I want it all, Mel.”

Nodding, I turn back to him. “But your future wife might not, and your future kids may not understand. You really need to think long and hard about this.”

“There’s nothing to think about. Any woman who doesn’t understand this isn’t the kind of woman I’d want to spend my life with.”

“Fair enough.”

Part of me is relieved to know Sawyer is adamant about being in this for the long haul with Nate. The other part of me is worried Sawyer may sacrifice something good and end up resenting us. There’s nothing I can do, though, because this is our life now and Sawyer is an integral part. I wouldn’t be able to function without him.