Goodbye

It’s been ten days since we left the hospital. Ten days with a house filled with people. Ten days of hovering and tears. Ten days of pain and frustration. And two full weeks without Noah and Belle.

I’ve spent two weeks in a medication-induced haze, watching my son from afar. I haven’t held him, haven’t fed him, haven’t even changed a diaper, and no one has tried to make me. They know as well as I do that I’m detrimental to him. Hell, I’m pretty sure I’m detrimental to myself.

I spend most of my time in bed, ensconced in Noah’s scent still lingering on the sheets and pillows. But for how much longer? How long will I hear his voice in my head? How long will I smell him as if he’s right next to me? If I die today, I’ll still hear him, still smell him, still picture him in my mind. But then there’s Nate. I can’t touch him, but I can’t bear the thought of leaving him, either. Noah would hate me for these thoughts, so I try to push forward, one day at a time.

Each night, I watch the monitor as someone takes a rotation with my son. Even Darren spent a night juggling Cadence and Nate. He’s hurting as much as I am but he finds solace in our kids where I only find pain. Everyone cries when they hold him. Poor Nate probably thinks excessive tears are a normal part of life.

Today is the day I’ve been dreading most—the one where we have to say goodbye to Noah and Belle. It’s going to be a large service with only friends and family, but people have lots of “friends” in this industry. It’s going to be hell, but it would have been anyway.

All the kids are staying with Rob’s sister here at the house and her friend is coming to help her. They’re both teachers by trade; I’ve been assured they will be fine with the kids. I’m a horrible mother because I never even asked otherwise and only nodded when I was told. I know Darren and Sawyer wouldn’t leave these kids if they weren’t going to be safe. Plus, there’s so much security all over the place I don’t think anyone could easily get in.

I’ve been so drugged up I haven’t paid attention to the media, but even in my haze I see the stress Sawyer is carrying on his shoulders. Tony and Warren have been meeting with Mac and Ryan daily in the office, and whenever I walk into a room, the TV is quickly snapped off. It’s not like I will be searching this up on the internet when my phone and laptop are replaced; I have no desire to do so. Any emails with press-related inquires will be deleted, just like they were when my parents died.

“Ready, Mel?” Sawyer asks, stepping up behind me. I stand up slowly, the bruises may be healing some but my body still feels like it was hit by a freight train.

Mama helped me get dressed earlier and I’ve been staring out the window ever since. It’s been raining today, which is odd in the middle of summer, but it sure does make Veronica happy. She says only the best of the best get God’s tears at their homegoings. Out of all of this, even as angry as I am, that somehow gives me comfort. Belle and Noah are the best of the best.

“I’ll never be ready for this,” I say, turning toward Sawyer. He’s dressed nice but looks like hell.

“Yeah, I know the feeling. Look, I wanted you to know all the non-essentials are going home tonight. It’s time we have some space and figure out what to do with Nate or how it’s going to work when everyone isn’t around. He needs some kind of normal, Mel. It’s time.” His words are soft and I know he’s just trying to find his way, too.

“Whatever you think is best, Sawyer. This is your home.”

“Don’t do that. This is our home. What was Noah’s is now yours, of that I’m sure. I … Fuck, this is hard. I need you here, Mel, okay? If you guys aren’t here I can’t be, either. Not alone without Noah. I meant it when I said we’re in this together for as long as it takes.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Taking my hand, he leads me out to the limos waiting in the drive. There are two of them, and we’re the last to get inside. I can’t bring myself to look at anyone even though I feel like they’re all staring at me. I close my eyes and rest my head against the seat and don’t open them again until we arrive at the church.

At my request, we got here last so everyone is already settled inside. We’re to enter through the back, which has been blocked off by police and private security. With my parents, I learned when you arrive first you have to listen to everyone’s condolences twice—once when they arrive and again when they leave. This is better. I don’t need to hear how sorry or sad everyone else is. I can barely handle my own grief.

We’re ushered into the first two rows and I promptly lose my shit when my eyes catch sight of Noah and Belle’s caskets side by side, with their larger-than-life photos next to them. Which in turn seems to cause a domino effect because everyone around me is now crying.

As I look at their photos staring back at me, it’s almost like I’m separated from my body. Before I can stop myself, I’m standing.

Painstakingly slow, I make my way up to their caskets. Pausing, I lean my head against Belle’s casket first and kiss it. I whisper so only she can hear me—at least that’s my hope. “You will always be my sister, and I will love you forever, but never in a million years will I say goodbye to you.”

As the tears stream down my cheeks, I make my way to Noah’s darker casket. I lean across it with my entire body and put my ear to the wood and listen. I’m not sure how long I’ve been up here in front of everyone, but the hushed whispers grow louder. Eventually, Sawyer comes up and tries to comfort me, to see where my head is.

“Princess, let me take you back to your seat.”

“No, Sawyer. I’m trying to listen. I can’t hear it, but if I listen really hard I might be able to.”

“What are you listening for?”

“His heartbeat, Sawyer. Why can’t I hear it anymore?” I can hear Karen’s sobs and a few others over my tearful plea, but if they’d just be quiet and let me listen maybe I could stop their pain, maybe … he’s not really gone.

The next thing I know, I’m being lifted off Noah’s casket and carried out of the room by Sawyer. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and mine, and I keep asking him why the entire time. As he sets me down on the couch in the visitors’ room, he drops to his knees in front of me and takes my hand in his.

“Why, Sawyer?”

“I don’t know, Mel, but he’s gone, and he’s never coming back.”

Then Sawyer drops his head into my lap and sobs. I fold myself over him and cry with him because it’s all we can do. We’re two lost souls trudging through this miserable earth while the keeper of our hearts is on an entirely different plane of existence. At least I hope he is because if there’s no heaven I won’t ever see Noah or Belle again; I can never accept that.

There’s a knock at the door and Mac steps quickly inside closing it behind him. “They’re starting. Do you two want to come back out or …” Even Mac is at a loss. I’ve never seen him at a loss for anything.

“What do you want to do, Mel?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I ask Sawyer, turning his words back around on him. Considering my current mental state, I probably shouldn’t make the decisions.

“I’m not sure I want to go back out there, but I’m pretty sure Noah would do it for me. I can’t go alone, Mel, so I’ll stay here with you if you’re not okay.”

“I’m not okay, I’ll likely never be okay again.” The pouring rain outside catches my attention.

“Does she need a doctor?” Mac asks, and when I turn my attention back to them I see real fear in Sawyer’s eyes. This day is hard enough; the least I can do is not make it any worse than I already have.

“No, I don’t. I’ll try not to let my crazy show anymore today. You’re right. Noah would do it for you and he’d do it for me, too. So we’ll do this for him.”

“You’re not crazy, Princess, you’re just left behind. I understand,” Sawyer says as he stands and helps me to my feet.

Mac ushers us back to our seats while everyone stares at us. They must all think I’m losing my mind after that. Who knows, maybe I am.

For the next hour and a half, we sit and listen and cry. The words spoken about Belle and Noah by friends and loved ones ripped me to shreds. There was so much I wish I could get up there and say because that’s what best friends do, but I’m too lost inside my own head to even think coherently, let alone speak that way.

After the service, we drive straight to the graveside, where I stay in the car and watch from the window. No one fought me too hard after claiming pain and exhaustion; it wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t exactly the whole truth. I just don’t have the fight left in me to see them bury the two people I love most in the world.

About halfway through the service, Eli joins me in the limo and knows exactly what I need. Wordlessly, he pulls me into a hug and lets me cry. We stay in this position long after the service is over—until the limo pulls up in front of the house. When he finally releases me, I feel alone instantly, but I better get used to it because this is my life now.

Everyone except Sawyer exits the car. When my eyes meet his it’s like looking in a funhouse mirror. We’re the same but different. Same grief, same vacant stares, same feeling of isolation, but I know he’s the only one who hurts like me. No one else can understand this feeling but him and Darren.

“You ready for this?” he asks.

“Making small talk with people about my tragic loss and how happy I should be that our children survived? Yup. I’ve never been more ready for something in my life.”

Sawyer snorts at my words and I actually laugh—so does he. Soon, we’re both laughing so hard we’re crying. It hurts like hell, but neither of our tears are from my words, just the oppressive sadness surrounding each of us.

He helps me from the car and the house is teeming with people. I turn to him and whisper in his ear, “I know I’m not supposed to drink with my pills, but if you want me to play nice someone needs to get me a shot of whiskey.”

“I got you covered, Mel. One shot won’t kill you, just wait an hour to take your pills. Deal?” Considering I’m not supposed to take them for at least that long, anyway, it’s a no brainer.

“Deal.”

He leads me to the sofa and has me sit next to Anna. Across the room, Darren already has Cadence in his arms like a shield and Mama has Nate. Sawyer brings me my drink and hands Anna one, too. Whiskey and Coke has never tasted this good.

“Karen would shit if she knew what was in your cup,” Anna says with a light laugh.

“She probably would, but I’m sure she can understand my need,” I say, nodding my head toward Karen, who looks miserable in the middle of a crowd of people offering their condolences. As I continue glancing around, I notice a girl hugging Sawyer. She’s pretty, too pretty, and extremely handsy. Even after he released her, she’s still touching his arm.

Anna follows my stare and groans. “What the hell is she doing here?”

“Who is she?”

“That’s Lola. She briefly dated Noah in high school. It didn’t take him long to figure out she wanted the twin experience, if you know what I mean.”

“Together?”

“That’s what she wanted, but neither of them were up for that kind of thing. So she thought she’d try and get them one at a time. After Noah dumped her, Sawyer didn’t give her the time of day. She’s always been an attention whore, so it doesn’t surprise me she’s here. She must have come with her brother. He was good friends with the guys back in the day.”

“Guess she didn’t get the hint back then.” My eyes narrow as she loops her arm through Sawyer’s elbow.

“Lola is bad news, Mel, and Sawyer is in a bad place right now. Let’s just hope he remembers how much trouble she is.”

“The last thing I need right now is some stupid trick trying to trap Sawyer at his most vulnerable time. Noah would never forgive me for letting that happen.”

Anna’s eyes soften with my words. “I never realized you were so protective of Sawyer.”

“I’m protective of anyone Noah loved. But I love him, too. He’s family and one of the very few people holding me together right now.”

Anna’s hand rests softly on my thigh. “Look, Mel, I’m here for you. I can’t begin to replace Belle … and I wouldn’t ever try, but if you need a friend I can be that for you. Besides,” she pauses and looks around before continuing, “we haven’t told anyone except for Wyatt and Warren, but Sam is bringing us back to the L.A. office. With everything that happened he feels we’re needed here more so he found replacements for us in San Diego.”

“Thank you, Anna. I appreciate that more than you know.” I try to blink back my tears. “I’m sorry you have to come back. I know how important opening that office was for you.”

“I’m not. I love San Diego, but this is my home. Actually, Sam is giving me the promotion anyway. We only had a year left, so this is a good move for me. It’s just hard to be happy about it when my heart is broken. Noah was and will always be one of my favorite people.”

“Mine, too,” I whisper, leaning my head on her shoulder.

Darren walks over to us and stops in front of me. “Mel, can you hold Cadence for a few minutes, please? I have to take a piss and I don’t want any of these people passing her around.”

I want to say no but, between the pleading look in his eyes and the smile on Cadence’s face, I can’t. “Yeah, of course. Prop her against my cast so I can hold her steady with my good arm.”

With a look of relief, he passes her to me with her binky and her bear. “Hey, baby girl,” I say, and she keeps on smiling and cooing back. I haven’t been around many babies, but she’s always been such a happy girl.

“She’s adorable,” Anna remarks.

I nod. “She’s Belle through and through. This isn’t fair, Anna. None of this is fair.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Darren talking to Sawyer with Lola hanging out in the background just waiting to pounce.

“No, it’s not fair, but we can do our damnedest to make sure both these kids have the best life possible in spite of their rough start in life,” Anna says as she squeezes Cadence’s foot.

“Yeah, I hope so.” Wyatt is heading toward us with Nate in his arms. Anna stands and points for him to take her spot next to me.

“I’ve got to go to the restroom. I’ll be back.” She places a kiss on his cheek before she leaves.

Wyatt and I have hardly spoken since the accident, and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. Watching as he holds Nate makes it worse. He’s Noah’s best friend and I haven’t even thought about his pain. When I turn to look at them, Nate is smiling in his sleep. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him do it and trying to hold back my tears is pointless.

“My God, he looks even more like Noah when he smiles.” My heart is racing; I’m doing everything I can to keep from losing my grip on Cadence.

“He does,” Wyatt concurs and then looks me in the eye. “Mel, I’m sorry I haven’t been around much for you. I wanted to be, but …”

“You’re lost in your grief. I get it, Wyatt. I feel the same way. No apologies are needed.”

“Thanks. Do you think I can … I’d like to stay in Nate’s life and yours. I don’t think I could handle losing you guys, too.”

“Wyatt, you’re family. Noah loved you and I love you. I expect you to be in our lives. Noah would want you around Nate for as long as you’re willing. These kids are going to have a lot of people looking out for them and they’re going to need it.”

“So how are you recovering?”

“Slowly, but the physical pain is nothing compared to the hole in my heart. I’d take on this kind of pain for the rest of my life for just a few more minutes with Belle and Noah.”

Wyatt looks back down at Nate and tucks his blanket around his arm. “Yeah, I don’t even know how you’re standing. I’m barely hanging on without Noah. I can’t imagine if I’d lost Anna, too.”

“It sucks.”

“You can say that again. If you need anything, call me. Even just to talk. Besides, I’m pretty sure you’re going to want to collect on that favor I owe you.”

His words make me chuckle a bit. “I’m sure you’re right. I’ll hold you to that someday.”

“Eventually, we’ll all be okay. Noah would want that. He’d want it more than anything.”

“I know, Wyatt. I just don’t know how to move forward right now.”

“Me either, Mel.”

We sit together in mutual silence, holding onto these kids for dear life. As much as I try to block it out, voices carry in this big house and I’m reminded how thoughtless people are when they don’t think you’re listening.

“She should sell her story to the media. There are enough of them outside, she could make a mint.”

“Who do you think got his organs? Will there be some kind of tell-all about the celebrity transference?”

“Why isn’t she holding her own baby?”

“Did you see the way she lost it in the church? Someone should really have her committed.”

This is why I don’t talk to people I don’t know … because they’re assholes.

Hours later, almost everyone has left. Lola finally took her cue to go after slipping Sawyer her number. I hope to God he has the good sense to throw it away. Tony has requested to talk to the band and family before he leaves, so we’re all gathered around the kitchen table and he’s pulling a stack of envelopes out of his briefcase.

“Normally, I’d do this in my office, but Noah was specific in his requests of how he wanted things handled.”

I can’t breathe. We just buried him and we’re already talking assets? I fumble my way into a chair and take a seat, clutching onto the arms of the chair for support.

“In each of these envelopes there is a video from Noah on a USB stick. He made these two days after the wedding. In your own time, when you’re ready, watch your video. He’s left each of you something in his will and there’s a letter inside breaking down your inheritance. When you’re ready, come talk to me and we’ll put things in motion.”

My tears are falling in rapid waves as Sawyer’s hand clutches my shoulder. He needs comfort, too, but I can’t give it to him right now.

“Why so soon?” I manage to choke out.

Tony shrugs. “It’s what Noah wanted. He didn’t want things to linger and wanted everyone to be able to move on quickly.”

“Excuse me,” I say, scrambling to my feet and moving as fast as I can to the backyard. Taking a seat on the edge of the grass, I stare out at the ocean. I can’t do this; I can’t go on without him. The thought of even trying has my stomach churning so hard and fast I barely have time to stand and lean over the wall before throwing up on the bluff below.

“Here,” Tony’s voice comes from behind me. He’s handing me a handkerchief to wipe my mouth.

“Thanks.”

He’s got one large envelope in his hand with my name on it—in Noah’s handwriting.

“I’m sorry, Mel. I thought it was too soon, too. But Noah had a mind of his own. There’s no time limit on this … watch it whenever you’re ready. If you need money or anything before you’re ready to watch, let me know. The bulk of Noah’s estate is now yours and Nate’s.”

“What if I’m never ready?”

His eyes soften as he nods in understanding. “Then I’m happy to talk over the estate with you whenever you might be ready for at least that. Also, there’s a video for Belle. I gave it to Darren, with explicit instructions to let you watch it if and when you want to.”

“Okay.”

“I thought he was crazy, you know? I thought he was just being prepared like we always were, but he insisted something was going to happen, almost like he knew it was coming.”

“What? He thought he was going to die?” My stomach lurches again and I grip the wall for support.

“He didn’t tell you.” Remorse flashes over his face. “Shit, I’m sorry, Mel. I assumed you knew. After Sara, Noah had this doomsday feeling. He saw his doctor and they thought it would get better, just some sort of PTSD from the shooting. Noah couldn’t shake the feeling, so he was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. He told me he was going to talk to you about it, but with the baby and everything … he was probably waiting for the right time.”

“He must have been so scared.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Noah had never been happier than the last year after he met you. He told me he had everything he ever wanted in the palm of his hand and was holding onto it forever.”

Forever.

“Well, our forever didn’t last very long, but I’ll cherish every second we did have for the rest of my life.”

“Let me know if you need anything, Mel. I’m only a phone call away.” Tony pulls me into a quick hug and releases me before handing me my envelope and heading inside.

I grab a bottle of water from the table and rinse my mouth a few times before sitting back down in the chair. The sun is setting; it’s a beautiful sight. Noah and I thought we would have infinite sunsets together out here like this. Instead, this is the first of many without him.

Long after the sun goes down, I finally go back inside. Sawyer is sitting at the kitchen table next to Darren and both of them are staring down at their envelopes. I toss mine next to theirs, grab the bottle of whiskey between them, and pour myself a shot. After tossing it back, I take a seat across from Sawyer.

“Is everyone gone?”

He looks up at me with bloodshot eyes. I’m not sure if it’s from the alcohol or his sadness, but my guess is the latter. “Yeah. The family is gone. Wyatt, Anna, and J are in their rooms.”

“Hey, since you’re both here, I’d like to talk to you about something,” Darren says, pulling our attention to him. “I know it’s a bad time, and you’re going to have to adjust to a new normal, but I was wondering if you care if me and Cadence stay here indefinitely. If it’s not cool, I get it—”

“Darren, you are welcome to stay here forever, if need be,” Sawyer replies without a second thought, and Darren turns his attention to me.

“Belle was my sister and that makes you my brother. You don’t have to go anywhere, Darren. You and Cadence always have a home wherever me and Nate are. Besides, it will be nice having them grow up together. They can share the nursery.”

He shakes his head. “No, that’s okay. I like having Cadence with me. I’ll just put a crib in my room.”

“Speaking of … Mel, I don’t want this to be uncomfortable for you, but Diane told me what you said about being unlucky.” The softness of Sawyer’s words surprises me. I figured he’d be angry. “You’re not cursed, Princess.”

“No, you’re not,” Darren adds.

“Thanks, guys, but I’m not sure I’ll ever agree with that.”

“Maybe not, but you’re going to have to get over it. Nate has one parent, Mel. Fucking one. And it’s you. I’ll help you for as long as you need, especially while you’re healing and on medication. But we’re going to have to wean you into Nate’s life a little at a time here. It’s not fair to make him suffer because you’re afraid. You have to get over yourself.”

“Get over myself? I’m trying to protect him!” I scream and pour myself another shot, knocking it back before continuing my rant. “If I had never agreed to go on tour, if I had never let Belle convince me to go to your show, Noah would be alive! Belle would be alive! And none of us would be feeling this soul-crushing grief!”

“I know you need to get it out, Mel, but you’re not the only one with regrets. I wish I’d never convinced Noah to do one last tour. If I hadn’t been so selfish and wanted closure, this would have never happened.”

“If I hadn’t been a selfish prick and wanted Belle and Cadence with me every second, they wouldn’t have been there, either. This is no one’s fault, except for the asshole who took out your bus.”

“If the three of us have this much bad juju combined, this house is going to slide right off this bluff and into the ocean,” I reply dryly, attempting a joke.

“At least we’ll all go together. Until then, we’re going to figure this out, okay?” I can tell by Sawyer’s tone he’s hanging on by a thread.

“Okay,” I answer with a resigned sigh.

“Okay,” Darren replies. “We do this together, all of us.”