Empty Spaces

Over the next four weeks, we develop a routine of sorts. Someone is always at the house during the day to help with me and the babies. Usually, it’s Karen. About a week after the funeral, she and Owen retired. Not because Noah left them financially solvent, but because they want to live the rest of their days with no regrets. Eventually, they plan to travel, but right now they’re hovering over all their kids and grandkids–the kind of love-filled hovering everyone needs right now.

I’ve weaned myself off all my medications except the anti-anxiety drugs. My back still hurts but unless it’s a really bad day, ibuprofen is all I will allow myself. I want to feel the pain and not be lost in a fog. I’m still having nightmares about the accident. Whoever is on night duty with the kids is usually on night duty with me, too. I feel helpless, but in a way, it’s a good thing because I can withdraw and not deal with things and no one gets upset with me.

At night, when I’m not sleeping, I watch the monitor and listen to Sawyer talk to Nate. Darren refuses to give up night duty with Cadence, but she’s also sleeping for longer stretches now that she’s eating some solid foods. He still gets up with Nate every other night so Sawyer can get some rest. I’ve been able to skate most of my duties and still haven’t held my son, but my cast comes off later today and I’m sure that’s going to change really soon. I’m terrified.

Right now, it’s three in the morning and Sawyer is singing to Nate. I relish finally hearing Sawyer sing solo and uninhibited and I love watching the tenderness between the two of them. Nate has no idea Sawyer isn’t his dad–his protector. But it breaks my heart at the same time because this should be Noah’s time with his son. The bonding he always craved. His chance to tell his son all the things he wanted. Instead, Sawyer tells Nate a story. It’s a slightly different variation each night, but I love listening to it. Once Sawyer finishes singing and feeding Nate his bottle, he changes his diaper and sits down with him and story time commences.

“Once upon a time, there was a famous rock prince named Noah. One day, Noah met his match in a true-life, rock-royalty princess named Amelia. The first time Noah saw Amelia, he knew he wanted her to be his queen, but Princess Amelia wasn’t so sure. Sometimes, princesses come from lands filled with ogres and not even the most handsome prince can break down their walls. But Prince Noah won her over with his friendship and, eventually, his love. When Princess Amelia finally gave in to the prince, they had a magical love affair. Their love created a new tiny prince. That’s you, Prince Nate. Prince Noah and Princess Amelia were never happier. Then, one of those nasty, mean ogres came and took Prince Noah and his friend Belle away. This made everyone in the rock kingdom very sad, especially Princess Amelia. To ease her sadness, all of Princess Amelia’s friends and family helped pick up the slack until she started to feel like herself again. One day soon, Nate, your mommy is going to realize her little prince is her whole world. Until that day comes, we’re going to keep loving you enough for both the prince and the princess.”

Every time Sawyer tells Nate the story, he falls sound asleep in Sawyer’s arms by the time the story is over. The sight of them together fills me with love. Knowing Nate is loved by so many, when I can’t even bring myself to show him how much I love him, makes the pain a bit better. After Nate is asleep in his crib, Sawyer comes to see me. Some nights we talk, and some nights I pretend to be asleep. Tonight, I pretend to be asleep.

The bed sinks down next to me and Sawyer lies down. With a soft sigh, he begins to speak. “He’s getting so big now. I mean, I know he’s only six weeks old, but his eyes are already green and bursting with the same happiness Noah’s had. It’s like being with him gives Noah back to me in a small way. Princess, I wish you’d let yourself love him. He needs you.”

Sawyer pauses and turns over, facing me. Even though I’m facing the wall I can still feel him at my back as his fingers brush against the bottom edges of my hair.

“I’m not sure at what point you need an intervention, Mel. I don’t know if this is grief, if it’s post-partum depression, if it’s really your fear of being jinxed. Whatever it is, I’m failing Noah. He wanted me to take care of you two and I’m trying so hard. It kills me to see you doing this to yourself, but I get it, too. I miss the fuck out of Noah. You and Nate make it a little easier for me, and I wish we could make it easier for you. Instead of sitting around all day listening to that sad playlist of death songs you made and watching videos of you guys, you need to focus that energy into your son, Mel.

“I’m lost here and I need a fucking sign. Something to show me what I can do to help you because I don’t think enabling you to ignore Nate is the way to go. But when anyone mentions how withdrawn you are, I lose my shit on them because I understand that, too. You lost your husband, your best friend, and your fresh start. I lost my brother, my best friend, the other half of my soul. I want you to go at your own pace, Princess, but I’m not sure how much longer I can carry us both.”

With those last words, Sawyer kisses the top of my head and leaves. When he does, I allow myself to fall apart.

Getting my cast off was surreal. It was the last visual reminder of the accident. My pain is still real, but my staples and stitches came out weeks ago. My bruises are gone, and the only re-check I need is for my back. Sure, the physical scars will always be there, but the mental scars will never go away, either.

When I walk inside the house, I find Rory and Eli visiting with Karen. Sawyer and Darren are on the floor with the kids, and I say a quick hello before going to my room. A few days after the funeral, a new computer and phone showed up, along with a copy of my wedding album. Sawyer ordered them for me in the midst of all the hell we were going through, just like Noah would have.

We’re supposed to get all the stuff back from the bus as soon as the investigation is officially closed, which Tony swears should be any day. Thankfully, Noah’s guitar wasn’t on our bus like I had thought. It was on Darren’s bus since they practiced there before napping that day. One day, Nate is going to be able to have his dad’s prized guitar; it gives me a bit of peace I didn’t have before.

Back when my mom died, my dad was consumed with his grief. We both were, but in different ways. I found more solace in my friends, and Dad found solace in watching interviews, movies, videos, anything he could watch where he could see her, hear her, and enjoy her presence one more time.

I gave him a lot of hell for it—called it unhealthy, begged him to move forward for all of us—but it was futile. His drug and alcohol use became excessive, a way to escape the pain when he couldn’t be with her. I never understood why he tortured himself. I wanted to be enough to get him through because I was still here. And he loved me, I know he did, but not in the way I needed to be loved back then. I needed my dad but he was already lost.

Now, I understand. I can’t not listen to Noah sing, can’t stop watching videos and interviews. Snippets of the two of us together are fleeting, but they exist. We have more photos than anything. But our wedding video is my favorite; I can watch it in a twenty-four-hour cycle and not tire of it. Sometimes, I curl up in one of his shirts and spray it with his cologne while listening to the EP he made me for Christmas. I just need to feel Noah, and since Nate has family taking care of him, he doesn’t need me, especially not now. I’m too hurt, too sad, too lost inside of myself, living in memories. Functional people should be with him, not me. I know the day is going to come when I have to stop watching, stop wallowing, and start being a mother. But for now, I’m just happy Nate is too young to understand, to know what I went through when I lost my parents. Even if he’s missing my love now, he won’t remember it. I hope.

There’s a knock on my door and Rory sticks her head inside. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” I reply, sitting up on the edge of the bed. Rory sits next to me and takes a look at my computer screen before shaking her head. “What, Rory?” I ask in an exhausted tone. I’m positive she’s going to jump my shit.

“Mel … I know it hurts. I miss Noah, too. But what you’re doing isn’t okay. You have to live for him.”

“Don’t tell me how to feel, Rory, or how to live. He was my entire world.” My seething words don’t even make Rory flinch.

“Noah believed in fate above all else. I have to believe in that, too … for him. He’d want us to focus on the positive things.”

“What positive things could there possibly be?!” I’m yelling now, but fuck her for trying to tell me to focus on the positive.

“Come on, Mel. I know it hurts, but be fair here. Even if it wasn’t good for us, good did come from this tragedy. A father of three got his heart and is able to raise his kids. Two teens with congenital defects got his kidneys, two visually impaired women each got a cornea, and a young mother got a liver. Six people, Mel. Six lives enhanced and spared because of Noah, even more if you count their families.”

I never wanted to know about the people Noah saved. Not yet, anyway, because I knew it wouldn’t sink in the way it should. Instead of finding some solace in those facts I’m filled with a furious rage I’m all too happy to unleash on her.

“What about my son, Rory? What about him? Doesn’t he deserve for his father to have been spared? What did he do wrong that he’s going to have to grow up without the only person who wanted him before he was conceived? Does Belle’s daughter deserve to grow up without a mother? It should have been me. I lost my husband and my best friend. My God, it should have been me, too. Why couldn’t we have gone together?”

In a flash, Rory jumps up. I see it coming, but I’m stunned. Rory fucking slapped me. “Stop being a selfish bitch! Get your ass up and out of bed. My brother didn’t stay with you so you could waste away. Noah begged Sawyer to stay with you and Nate. Live for them. Live for Belle, for Noah, put some good back into the ether. Acknowledge the fact there’s a whole family … hell, a whole goddamn world who lost him. You’re not in this alone. We can’t lose you, too, so wake the fuck up and let us help you. Live with us, cry with us, laugh with us, build his legacy with us, so people will never forget!”

“You slapped me,” I say numbly.

“Fuck, Mel, did you even feel it?” she asks as she shakes her hand out.

“Not really,” I answer, and she starts crying.

“That’s the problem. You’re lost inside somewhere. We’re all hurting, but we’re checking in. You’re completely checked out. If you can’t let us help you, you’re going to have to get professional help.”

My mind flashes back to Sawyer’s words last night. They’re right. Karen and Sawyer are standing at the door and Sawyer’s eyes are flaring with anger.

“Did you really just slap her?!” he screams at Rory.

She nods. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what else to do. She’s lost! Noah would kill us if we let her continue down this path.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a burden to you all … I’m going to go for a drive and clear my head. I’m not mad, Rory. I just need some time.” Pushing past Sawyer and Karen, I grab Noah’s keys and my purse and leave.

My hands tremble as I get behind the wheel of his car. I’ve never driven it, haven’t even been inside of it since we were home for Fourth of July. It smells like Noah, like home. I’ve got a plan, even if I’m not sure how to execute it. The first thing I do is go to Target and buy a sleeping bag, a flashlight, and some water. Next, I go to the bank and get cash. Lots of cash.

When I pull up to the cemetery, they’re closing the gates. As the guard goes to lock the side entrance, I catch his attention.

“If you forget to lock this gate tonight I’ll give you a thousand dollars.”

He takes in my appearance, the sleeping bag, and my bottle of water. It’s probably my sunken eyes that sell him on it, though.

“If you’re not out by five a.m. I’ll be in trouble.”

“I’ll be gone by then, I promise.”

He holds out his hand and I pass him the money. “I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been a fan of Bastards and Dangerous for a long time.” The gate closes behind me with his words.

“Thank you,” I whisper before walking toward where Belle and Noah are buried. My phone continues to go off with message after message and I pull it out to silence it before putting it back in my pocket.

This is the first time I’ve been here since the funeral. Pushing aside the flowers covering their graves, I lay out the sleeping bag between them. I’m half on Belle and half on Noah, but I face her first.

“Hey, Belle. You have no idea how much I miss you. I must talk to you a million times a day, but it’s not the same when you don’t answer.” I reach my arm out and lay it over the grass as if she can somehow feel me. Wishing I could feel her.

“Do you remember the night Sara shot me? You rushed into the hospital screaming for your sister and told me if I died it would have sucked. Well, it fucking sucks big, hairy balls. I miss you so much. Your laugh, your jokes, your never-ending positive attitude.”

Pausing, I pull some tissues out of my pocket and take a sip of water.

“I’ve tried to find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That you and Noah went together, and for as long as your family looked after me, my family can now look after you. But then I see Cadence smile or crawl … because she’s doing that now … and I become angry you’re not here for it.” My voice cracks as I try to choke back my sobs. “I hear your screams in my head, and in my nightmares, and I know your death wasn’t easy. You didn’t deserve to go out like that, Belle. You were such a good mom, a great partner, and the best sister and friend I could have ever asked for.

“You’d be so ashamed of me now. Both of you would. I’m worse than a horrible mother, I’m a completely absent one. I haven’t held Nate since before Noah died. I haven’t sung him a lullaby, or told him any stories, haven’t even tried to make him smile. But Belle … his smile is all Noah. His eyes are Noah’s eyes, his personality is Noah. He’s everything I could have wished for, and all I want to do is hold him and love him, but I’m so scared.

“Without me, he’ll have a chance at a normal life. Don’t worry, I’m doing my best to keep my distance from Cadence, too. I don’t want the black cloud of death that follows me hovering over our babies.”

Sighing, I run my hand over her headstone. “I’m trying to protect them, Belle. Maybe it’s wrong, but it’s all I know how to do. I love them so much, and I love and miss you more than I ever thought possible. Darren has a handle on it all, though. You’d be so proud of him, he’s a great dad. Please give my family hugs from me, especially Noah. I’d ask you to take care of him, but I have a feeling he’s taking care of you all.”

It’s dark outside now, the moon is full, and the stars are bright. I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. Too bad I didn’t bring my pills. I could have taken them all right here and died at peace under the stars with my two best people. Noah would say it was fate that I didn’t bring them. I’m going to call it a missed opportunity.

I sit up for a bit and lean against Noah’s headstone.

“I’m not sure why I’m here, Noah, other than I got my cast off and can finally drive. Rory and I got into a fight today, but I’m sure you already know that. I know she’s right, and deep down in my heart I know you’d be so disappointed in me. Nate is this perfect little innocent human, but I don’t think he’s hurting any without me. You’d be so proud of Sawyer, though. You were right, too. He would have been the perfect guardian for Nate should something have happened to the two of us. You don’t know how much I wish that were true. I’m lost, Noah, somewhere deep inside myself. I move through the days, I eat tasteless food, I shower, and then I drown in our memories. I don’t know how to be thankful for life anymore. I’m too bitter, angry, and sad to even try. Your mom keeps telling me ‘the only way out is through,’ and maybe she’s right. But I don’t want to go through. I want to drown in the darkness and stay in your arms for eternity.”

There’s a light breeze and I swear I smell Noah, but it’s probably just the lingering scent from his car on my clothes. Even so, it makes me feel like maybe his spirit is here with me somehow. I’ve been here a long time; I’m sure Sawyer is worried, but I need this. Being here reminds me of a conversation Noah and I had in Vegas on our first trip.

“What’s your dream now?” I asked him. “I mean, you’ve accomplished more in twenty-eight years than most people do in a lifetime.”

“I want a life. A domesticated one. My sister Diane and her husband Rob are happily married. My nieces are the light of their lives. I want that. I want a legacy, kids to love and carry on my life cycle. I want to grow old with someone and take care of them during all the shit life throws our way, knowing she’ll take care of me, too. I know it sounds morbid, but it’s easy to love someone through the good times, but the ultimate test of love is making it through the bad and coming out on the other side stronger than ever.”

“It’s not morbid. That’s as real as it gets. Too many people give up, they don’t fight, and they let go of the best part of their lives so easily. In the heat of the moment, everything seems so black and white, but life isn’t black and white at all. It’s in those shades of gray where we all get lost, question our morality, make the bad choices that affect the rest of our lives. Those make-or-break decisions are the crux of our being, and having the right person by your side is everything.”

He kissed me with such passion after that. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode. Now, I feel like my whole life is just one huge blob of gray. I’m haunted by the past, by our memories, but were they all just an illusion to begin with? Noah believed in fate, but how could anyone be so evil to give us everything and then tear it away so quickly? What plans could fate possibly have for me that would make that okay?

Another memory slams into me so hard I lose my breath. One night on the bus we were all drinking and playing a game. It was only a few weeks into the tour. I don’t think Wyatt could have ever known how prophetic his question would be.

We slammed down what had to be our fifth shot and I knew if I had more I’d pass out or throw up. Maybe both.

“Alright, my turn to ask a question!” Wyatt yelled out.

“Shh. Dude, not so loud, that was my ear you just yelled into,” Sawyer replied, rubbing his ear.

“Yeah, yeah, suck it up, buttercup. If you had the choice of having every happiness handed to you for a limited time, or never knowing happiness at all, which would you choose?”

Sawyer whacked Wyatt on the back of the head. “What a stupid fucking question. Why would I want something only to have it taken away? I’d rather never have it at all.”

“I’m with Sawyer,” I told them with a slight slur to my words. “Don’t give me something and take it away. It’s only going to piss me the fuck off.”

“Depends on what it is,” Darren said. “I mean, if it’s some really good pussy, I’m cool with having that for a limited time. But if it’s, like, really good pussy, who is also a cool-ass chick and someone I could spend my life with and not get sick of … yeah, fuck that. Don’t give me that and then take it away.”

“You guys are dumb. I’d be sad as fuck if someone took Anna from me, but I wouldn’t give up our time together for anything. She’s my every happiness.”

“Aww, Wyatt, you’re so fucking sweet. I want that someday. Some guy who talks about me to his friends the way you do about Anna even when she’s not here.” As I leaned my head against Darren’s shoulder Noah looked over at me and grinned. “You didn’t answer.” I said, pointing at him.

“You should know my answer. Fate gives and she takes away, but I’m going along for the ride as long as it lasts. If I were lucky enough for someone to give me every happiness, I’d enjoy it while it lasted, cherish every second, and worship her every day. Some people don’t ever get that.”

“Sometimes, I wonder how the two of you came from the same womb. You’re night and day,” Darren said, laughing.

“We’re alike in all the ways that matter,” Noah replied, and Sawyer agreed with a slight nod.

“Damn, Noah, did we jinx ourselves with that conversation? I miss you so much. It’s only been six weeks and the pain gets worse with each passing day. I can’t handle much more of it. I want to be with you and Belle. But whenever I consider it, leaving and joining you two, something stops me. Or should I say someone?

“Your legacy, Noah. I wish you were here to see him. He’s the absolute best of you, and even though I’m afraid to fuck him up, he’s still mine. He’s my link to you and … I don’t think he’d ever forgive me if I left him. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself, either, no matter how much I want to be with you.”

My tears are flowing freely as I pull my phone from my pocket and set the alarm for four in the morning. It’s already after eleven. I didn’t realize I’d been here thinking for so long. It’s nice being somewhere peaceful where no one is constantly hovering over me. Ignoring all the missed calls and messages, I tuck myself into the sleeping bag and lie down.

“This isn’t the kind of sleepover I ever expected to have with the two of you, but I guess I’ll take what I can get right now. Maybe I’ve officially lost my mind because sleeping in a cemetery alone, with my best friend and husband buried beneath me, is probably proof I’ve lost all my marbles. How would you handle this, Noah?”

Noah would do exactly what Darren is doing, what any other normal human being would do—he’d be cherishing his time with Nate. As I curl up into a ball, the torrents of tears and sobs come harder and faster. Breathing hurts, everything hurts, but it feels good to get it out. Letting the grief rip out of me and soak into the soil beneath me feels almost like Noah is helping me through.

I’ve been out here a long time. I should probably feel guilty for worrying them, but I haven’t had this much uninterrupted time to myself since the accident. It’s cathartic, but I feel like this is going to be my life from now on. Shrouded in an endless pit of grief. Is that a life worth living? I’m not so sure it is.

“Fucking hell, Princess!” Sawyer’s voice travels through the night, but I’m convinced I’m imagining it until he lifts me into his arms. I thought I was dreaming him and I wonder how long he was yelling before I woke up. “Are you okay, Mel?” he asks, his tone much softer now as he clutches me to his chest, sleeping bag and all.

“I’m lost, Sawyer. I’m just so fucking lost.” My words are muffled between sobs.

“Me, too, Mel, I got you, okay?” Sawyer takes me to his SUV and sets me inside, pulling off the sleeping bag so he can strap me in. The clock on the dash says it’s two in the morning.

Once Sawyer pulls away from the cemetery, he turns his attention to the road. “You can’t disappear like that, Mel. Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

“I’m sorry. I just had to escape … Rory and just everything … I needed to breathe, Sawyer. Noah’s video taunts me from where it sits unopened on the dresser, Nate weighs so heavily on my conscience. I don’t know how to live anymore, Sawyer, but I don’t know how to die, either!”

Sawyer whips the truck to the side of the road, slams on the brakes, and turns to face me. “You don’t get to die, Princess. Not now, not on my watch. We will figure out a new way to live and it starts tomorrow for both of us. If you don’t want therapy yet, I can respect that, but I’m done giving you the easy way out. Tomorrow, you are going to start being the mother you’re supposed to be. You’ll do it for you, for Nate, for Noah, and for me because I can’t do it all by myself anymore, Mel. I can’t be alone.”

Sawyer drops his head to the wheel of the car and his chest heaves as he sobs. Reaching over, I pull his hand away from the wheel with mine. When he turns to me, I unbuckle my seatbelt and throw my arms around him. We stay like this, hugging, for a long time. Long after both of us have stopped crying. Eventually, he releases me and I put my seatbelt back on. Once we’re both strapped back in, he pulls out onto the road heading home.

“How did you find me?”

“Tracked Noah’s car. I knew where you were for hours, but I thought you needed time. Once it hit midnight, though, I started to worry something had happened to you.”

“Something did. I think I officially lost my mind tonight.”

Sawyer looks at me and shakes his head. “Maybe you’re finally getting it back. The last few months have been hell, Mel. We’re all bound to break at some point, but it’s what we do after the break that defines us.”

“I’m going to need you, Sawyer.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Princess.”

We spend the rest of the ride lost in our thoughts, but every so often I catch him looking at me with a worried expression on his face. It reminds me of the time Noah disappeared to see Sara’s parents; and it makes me feel like shit. The last thing I want to do is worry Sawyer.

When we walk inside, Darren is pacing. He turns and pulls me into a huge hug. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“You should have hit her back,” Darren says angrily.

“She didn’t deserve to be hit, she was doing what she thought was right. We’re all just doing what we can. I get it.”

Sawyer crosses his arms. “I told Rory to stay away for a while, Mel. No matter what she was trying to accomplish, she didn’t have the right to hit you. Not now, not ever.”

“I’m going to lie down. Goodnight, guys.”

As I walk down the hall, I pass my room and stand in the doorway of the nursery. The nightlights are on and I can see Nate sleeping soundly in his bed.

“Get some sleep, Mel. Tomorrow, we’re going to tackle motherhood,” Sawyer says, squeezing my hand before going to his room.

After I’m showered and in my pajamas, I stare at the photo of Noah and me on the bedside table. The one Belle took when we announced our relationship at the meet and greet. Neither of us had a care in the world. We lived each day of our relationship like the happy couple we were. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. From the second Noah and I met we were instant friends. Anyone with half a brain cell would want to fall in love with their best friend the way I did. But now I’m alone and I’m supposed to find a way to move on. Fuck that.

Turning on my phone, I scroll through the messages. A few from Karen and Darren, more than a few from Eli, and all the rest are from Sawyer. The last one he sent before he picked me up was a video link to “Hemorrhage” by Fuel—his way of letting me know he understood where I was and what I was going through. But it was also his way of letting me know I’m not alone.

Two months ago, I thought Noah and I were in this lifetime together. Now, the only thing I know for sure is Sawyer is walking this hell with me to the bitter end. I’d give anything for things to go back to the way they were, but if I can’t have that I’ll happily take Sawyer’s friendship. It’s the only thing I have to hold on to right now.

As if he’s reading my mind, my phone buzzes with an incoming message. It’s the link to “The Great Escape” by Pink. I don’t think there’s anything else he could have sent to make me understand exactly how he’s feeling right now. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s how grateful I am for Sawyer Weston.