Wedding Blues

It’s been a week since Sawyer took me to the apartment building, and I’ve learned all about their group and the real estate Sawyer still has that he’d like to convert for more students. They’re even talking about a few buildings farther away and hiring a couple of full-time drivers to bus them back and forth to classes. Luther is at the top of our list to be in charge of the drivers.

“Damn, you look hot!” Sawyer exclaims as he walks in the room looking damn fine himself. Today is Mama’s wedding; it’s been such a bittersweet morning for me. I’m the matron of honor, and Mama gave me Belle’s favorite necklace, bracelet, and earrings to wear in honor of her. She said it’s a way to have both her girls with her on her special day.

“You don’t look too shabby yourself,” I reply, fidgeting with the bracelet.

“Breathe, Mel. It’s going to be okay.” He steps closer and stops me from tugging on the bracelet.

“I know, I’m missing her more than ever today, Sawyer. It will be two years next month since we lost them. How is it even possible?”

“Come here,” he says, pulling me into his comforting arms. “Today is supposed to be a happy day. Let’s focus on that. I know Belle and Noah got cheated, but they lived every day to the fullest while they were here. How many people can say that? It sure beats what we’ve been doing the last two years.”

I pull away, my anger flaring. “Yeah, well, maybe they wouldn’t be living each day to the fullest if they’d lost us!”

“That’s not what I meant, Mel, and you know it. Please don’t pick a fight with me today. I want to go to the wedding and dance with my beautiful date and come home and make love to you. Today is about love, Mel, be a lover, not a fighter.”

He’s so fucking cheesy sometimes, my anger immediately dissipates and I bust up laughing.

“That’s my girl. I knew my Princess was in there somewhere.”

“Mommy!”

“Auntie Mel!”

Cadence and Nate fly into the room with Darren hot on their tails. I’m dying with their cuteness and pull out my phone to take a photo. Nate is the ring bearer and wearing a tux, and Cadence is the flower girl and wearing a dress similar to mine.

“Sorry, guys, they got ahead of me. What did I say about running?” Darren chastises them.

“No running until after Grandma gets married. Sorry, Daddy,” Cadence replies with a sweet smile that is all Belle. It gets Darren every time, and I’m pretty sure she knows it.

“It’s okay, monkey, just don’t do it again. We don’t want to make Grandma sad on her wedding day.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Okay, Uncle Darren.”

“I’m going to take them over there now and you guys can meet us there,” Darren says, ushering the kids out of the room.

“It still cracks me up that the notorious men of Bastards and Dangerous all have cars with multiple car seats in them.”

Sawyer flashes me a devious grin and paces toward me like a predator. I back up slowly against the wall; I would be all for this game if we weren’t on a schedule. “Princess, I’ll rock a mini-van like a motherfucker if you give me enough kids and car seats to fill it.”

His husky voice washes over me like the finest whiskey and as much as I want to tell him yes, I’ll have a thousand of his babies, I can’t. Not yet.

“Soon, Sawyer, I promise. I need a little more time.”

“I don’t want to be an old man before I’m a dad again, Mel.”

Again. Just the use of that word makes me melt. He could have easily left it out. I throw my arms around his neck and pull his mouth to mine. “I promise, Sawyer, it won’t be that long.”

Sawyer’s mouth meets mine and he slides his hand up my dress, maneuvering his finger through the side of my panties and inside me, where I want him most. Groaning into his mouth, he kisses me harder and deeper before pulling back and removing his finger at the same time.

His lust-filled eyes lock onto mine as he sucks his finger into his mouth. I watch as he swirls his tongue around it and bite my lip as lust flows through me. “God, I want you.”

He kisses me again, this time soft and slow, and I taste myself on him. “I’m going to work you up every chance I get tonight. By the time we get back here you’re going to be begging for my cock.”

“What if we skip all that and I beg for it now?”

Sawyer throws his head back and laughs. “I’d love to hear you beg for it now, but we’ll be late for the wedding if we don’t leave in about two minutes.”

“Fine, but if you tease me like that all night you’d better be ready to keep it up all night because I’m going to fuck you ‘til morning.”

He leans down and bites my neck and I inhale deeply, wishing for more. As his tongue licks over the bite, his husky voice greets my ear. “Stamina has never been my issue and you know it, Princess. Threaten me with a good time all you want, you’ll be the one begging for mercy in the end. Maybe tonight you’ll finally let me have that ass. My cock has been dying for a new place to play on your body.”

“Fuck, Sawyer, let’s go before you make me come with your words.”

He pulls back and his gaze locks on mine. “That’s what I thought.”

A few hours and many emotions later, Sawyer and I are dancing under the stars. I’m trying to be a good sport and have fun, but I haven’t been to a wedding since mine and Noah’s; this one is triggering so many memories.

Mama looks incredibly happy, even though we both shed a few tears before the ceremony. As I watch her and Marcus dancing, I want what they have. I had it once with Noah, and I want it again with Sawyer, but something is holding me back.

“You look a million miles away,” he says solemnly.

“I’m sorry, it’s been a long day.” With a sigh, I lean my head on his shoulder as the lyrics from I “Just Wanna Love You” by The Shires wash over us. I can’t help but feel the part in the song about the storm is where we are right now. We’re at an invisible impasse. As much as I thought I’d let Noah go, today has proved I haven’t—not completely—and it bothers me immensely. Sawyer deserves so much more than what he’s getting from me.

This wedding is starting to send me spiraling downward. My emotions are getting the best of me and I find myself clinging to Sawyer, wishing for relief.

“Do you want to go home, Mel?”

“Would you mind? I think I’m just … tired.”

“No,” he says sadly, “I don’t mind, but I’m pretty sure the word you were looking for there was overwhelmed. You’re lost in your memories of him, and there’s nothing I can do to change it or help you.”

Darren left with the kids about an hour ago, so Sawyer and I wish the happy couple a good honeymoon and make our way to the car.

We’re quiet on the drive home; I’m pretty sure Sawyer is upset. That makes two of us. I’m frustrated I’m having so many emotions tonight, and I’m even more frustrated he’s not being more sympathetic to me.

When he pulls into the driveway, he turns to me, his sadness slaying me. “I’m going to work on some music in the garage for a while. I’ll be in later.”

Just like that, all his promises from earlier are gone, but I’m not really in the mood at this point. “Alright, I’ll see you later.”

Inside, I kick off my heels and carry them to my room. The sound of giggling kids carries into the hall. At least they’re having a good night.

After putting on my pajamas, I go into the kitchen and open a bottle of wine.

“I thought I heard someone come in. You’re home early, what happened?”

“Want some?” I ask, holding up the wine.

“Nah, I’ll just grab a beer, thanks.”

“Will things ever get easier, Darren? God knows I’m trying, but then something happens and bam … back three steps again.”

“I’m not sure, Mel. You’ve made it further than I have. I’m back to randomly fucking people, but it’s not messy when emotions aren’t involved. Belle’s the only person who has ever evoked those kinds of feelings in me.”

“Am I a horrible person? I love Sawyer, so much, but tonight brought back all the memories of my own wedding. Noah and I were so happy that night.”

Darren takes a long draw of his beer. “I don’t know, Mel. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. Maybe if you were involved with someone outside the family it wouldn’t be as difficult. But you can’t help who you love, and you and Sawyer are pretty fucking perfect if you guys can get past all your shit. Besides, it was your first wedding since, maybe it won’t happen again.”

“Yeah, maybe not.”

As he picks at the label on his bottle, he looks at me. “Don’t think you were the only one affected tonight. Sawyer is being sensitive right now because he was reminded of your wedding, too. You’re not the only one who has lingering feelings and guilt about Noah. Sawyer is in this with you, Mel.”

“I know he is, but I don’t feel like he’s sympathetic to it anymore.”

“Shit, today was miserable for me, too. The last wedding I attended was yours, and Belle was my date. Her mom got married and she wasn’t there but I was. Do you realize how much that fucks with someone’s head?” He chuckles. “Well, yeah, of course you do. You’re not alone, Mel, we’re all here. But do you really need Sawyer’s sympathy? If it were me, I’d rather have his support.”

“Sawyer said he’s working on music. Do you know if he’s been working on anything new?”

Darren’s eyes widen in surprise. “No, but I wish he would. Sawyer needs that creative outlet. Hell, we all do. We could never tour again without Noah but fuck, I wish we could just jam and let out some stress without feeling guilty for doing it without him.”

“I think Noah would want that. To use your music as an outlet and a way to relieve some stress. He’d want you guys to be happy.”

Darren smiles and tips his beer bottle toward me. “And he’d want you and Sawyer to be happy, too. Today was rough, but for all his roughness, Sawyer is one of the most sensitive people I’ve ever met. Don’t be too hard on him, Mel. He loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone, except Noah.”

“Thanks, Darren.”

“Yeah, no problem. Can you watch Cadence tonight? I need a release of my own, if you know what I mean.”

“Sure, have fun, and double bag that shit.”

“You know it, Mel. Go talk to him, I’ll be here a little bit longer.”

I decide to take Darren’s advice and go downstairs to the garage. “Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots is blasting down here. Sawyer is sitting on the couch, crying, looking at a photo of him, Noah, and me. I back up against the wall and out of sight, feeling like I’m intruding on a private moment. Belle took that picture of us and I framed it for Sawyer that first Christmas we were all together.

Instead of bothering Sawyer, I head back upstairs, deciding it’s time to make another post on Belle’s blog.