Hey Slammed Family,
It’s Mel again. This week marks a year since we lost Belle and Noah. It’s bittersweet, to say the least, because this week also marks a year since I gave birth to Nate. He’s the light of my life. Every day I spend with him is one I will cherish forever.
Today is Nate’s actual birthday and I’m trying not to focus on the sadness of it. Instead, I’m putting my blessings in front of the tragedy. Nate and I could have easily died in that crash, and while some days I wished I could have gone with Noah, I’m glad to be here now as the mother of a happy one-year-old.
Noah believed in fate, and one thing I do know is it was fate my son survived that horrendous crash.
This upcoming year is going to be filled with amazing things. We are officially launching The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts. Noah was known for his generous spirit; we would like to continue that legacy in his honor. We’re working on releasing some previously unreleased music as our first fundraiser. I’ll keep you up to date once I have more information. Updating this blog is my way of trying to keep Belle close to my heart. You guys gave her life, and she loved being able to share all the good things with you.
The last post I did was for Cadence’s first birthday. Today, you’re getting Nathaniel Noah Weston’s first birthday photo. Next to his picture you’ll notice another first birthday image from years past. When you put them together, other than the age of the photograph itself, you can’t tell them apart, can you? Nate and Noah are twins twenty-nine years apart.
This past year has been hard, but it’s also given me the biggest blessing of my life. Today, and moving forward, I’m going to put my complete focus into my blessings.
Until next time, Slammed family.
With love,
Amelia
“Damn, Mel, I can’t believe he’s a year old already,” Eli says as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.
“Me, either. Thank you for coming back for this, I’m so glad you were here. I needed an Eli fix just as much as Nate did.”
Those baby blues of his meet mine. “I’m only a call away. If you ever need me, I’ll hop the first flight. The tour will be over in a few months and I’ll be back here annoying you before you know it.”
“Not possible. Well, maybe a little possible, but I’ll take annoying Eli over missing Eli any day. Be safe out there, okay?”
He hugs me tighter and whispers in my ear, “It was a freak accident, Mel. I’ll be fine. You have to try to get past this fear that as soon as someone leaves something is going to happen to them. But on the off chance it does, you know I love you always.”
“Me, too. I’m trying to get past it, but I’ve had to try to move past a lot of things this year. Being fearful is a work in progress.”
“Sawyer said he’s been trying to get you out of the house more.”
Of course he did.
“Yeah, we’ve been taking the kids to the park now that the paparazzi has backed off a bit. He reminds me often they need the chance to be kids.”
“And you, my dear friend, need the chance to enjoy life again. Stop living in the past and putting your sole focus on the kids and the foundation. Live your life because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.”
I pull back from him and shoot him a nasty glare. “It’s only been a year, Eli.”
“Exactly. You and Noah had less than that. I’m not trying to say your pain isn’t valid, but don’t let the best year of your life keep you from enjoying the eighty or so you have left.”
“Eighty?”
With a lopsided smile, he replies, “I’m bad at math, sue me. But fuck it, maybe you will get eighty more years and outlive us all. The keyword being ‘live’. Come on, Mel, it’s time. Take some baby steps to happiness.”
“You’re a pain in my ass, Eli, but I love the fuck out of you. I’ll try, okay?”
“That’s all I can ask for,” he says, kissing me on the forehead. “My plane leaves in a few hours for Nashville. Let me know if you want to fly in for a show. I’ll hook you up.”
“Thanks, Eli. Travel safe.”
As I’m standing in the foyer after Eli leaves, Saylor flies into my legs. Sawyer is chasing her and she’s laughing uncontrollably. “Save me, Auntie Mel! Uncle Sawyer says he’s going to feed me to the fish!”
Sawyer is laughing just as hard as she is. “He wouldn’t do that, Ladybug. He’d miss you too much.”
“Hm, I didn’t think about that. I would miss my little namesake. Alright, I won’t make you fish food. But you have to give me some love before I let you go.” He swoops her into his arms.
Saylor throws her arms around his neck and kisses him loudly. “I love you, Uncle Sawyer.”
Her words melt my heart almost as much as the smile on his face does. He’s in full-blown dimple mode, making my heart flutter in a way it shouldn’t.
“I love you, too, Saylor.”
“Are you ready for your first cousin sleepover next weekend, Ladybug?” I ask, and she nods excitedly.
“Yes! Me and Emme made room in the playroom so Cadence and Nate can sleep in their travel beds with us. Mommy and Daddy said they have to sleep with us, too, so the babies don’t get into trouble if they wake up. It’s going to be so much fun!”
Saylor runs off and Sawyer grins at me. “It’s going to be okay, Mel. They’ll have a blast. It’s good for them to do this, and it’s what Noah would want.”
“I know, but they’re only one. Sleepovers at Grandma’s are one thing, but at their cousins … it’s just a sign of how fast time is going by.”
“We should do something.”
“Like what?” He’s got an evil look on his face and I’m not sure I like it.
“Let’s go to a club. We can go dancing.”
“Uh, I don’t think so.”
“Why not? I know you love to dance, Mel.”
“It wouldn’t … it wouldn’t be right,” I stammer.
“The fuck it wouldn’t. Your best friend lived by the motto ‘Live today like there’s no tomorrow.’ You’re existing, Mel, but you’re not living. One night of fun won’t kill you, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
Sawyer saunters off, effectively ending our conversation, but there’s no way I’m in the mood to go clubbing with him. I can only imagine the siege of women who will descend upon us if we’re out in public. Just the thought makes me shudder.
“Hey, Mel, we’re going to get out of here. Call or text me if you need me later. I can come back or you can come over.” Anna pulls me into a hug. When she releases me, Wyatt hands me Jacob to kiss goodbye.
“You guys, he’s so perfect. I can’t believe he’s three months old already.”
They exchange a glance and Wyatt clears his throat. “We were wondering if you’d be interested in being Jake’s godmother. You can say no because I know you’re not in a good place with God right now, but we’d love it if you’d consider it.”
“Really? You want me?”
Anna smiles brightly. “Absolutely. Sawyer and Darren have already agreed to be co-godfathers. You’re our best girl, Mel. There’s no one we’d rather have than you.”
Placing a kiss on top of little Jake’s head, I nod. “I’d love to. Thank you.”
Wyatt takes him back and heads out to the car while Anna stays behind. “Mel, I know the next few days are going to be rough. I meant what I said. If you need anything, even to vent or just cry, call me.”
“I will, thank you.”
After they leave, I head into the kitchen and Nate toddles right to me. I scoop him into my arms and smother him with kisses. He started walking last month and now he’s pretty much running most days.
He rubs his eyes and yawns, and when I look up at the clock I see it’s already after eight. “Even birthday boys need their bedtime. Let’s give everyone kisses night night and get you in the bath.”
We make the rounds and Karen takes the longest with him. Her eyes are filled with tears as she wishes him a final happy birthday and sweet dreams. Then she hugs me hard and whispers into my ear, “We love you, Mel, and we’re so proud of how far you’ve come this year. Each day is a new chance to take another step. I know these next few will be hard for us all, but call if you need me.”
“You, too. Thank you, Karen.”
Nate is so sleepy he barely makes it through his bath. Once his jammies are on, I sit with him as he drinks his bottle. Cadence is completely off her bottle and binky now; that’s my next goal with Nate.
“Happy birthday, Nate. A year ago, your daddy and I were eagerly trying to get you to make an appearance into this world. He loved you so much. Do you remember how he used to sing to you when you were in my belly? Probably not, but he did it all the time. You loved hearing his voice, and he loved how you would kick when you heard him. I never thought anyone could love you as much as he did. Not even me.
“But you know what? I was wrong. I love you at least that much, if not more, and so does Uncle Sawyer. He loves you to the moon and back. You’re so lucky to have him since you don’t have your daddy. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since you came into this world and your daddy and Auntie Belle left it. She would have loved you to pieces, just like she did Cadence.”
I look down and Nate is fast asleep. When I stand up to put him in the crib, Sawyer is standing in the doorway watching us. He was probably there the whole time.
“Ready to get drunk?” he whispers as I lay Nate down. I grab the monitor, even though he’s been mostly sleeping through the night the past few weeks, and close the door behind us.
“So completely ready to get drunk. Who is still here?”
“Just us and Darren, but he said he wanted to be alone with Cadence tonight and went to his room already.”
Sadness fills my heart. “Do you think we should get him anyway?”
“No, I think he needs time with his little girl to remember Belle. Go sit down, you’ve been going all day. I’ll get the stuff and bring it to the couch.”
A few minutes later, Sawyer appears with a tray filled with tequila, shot glasses, salt, limes, a couple of bottles of water, and cake. He’s thought of it all.
“Aren’t you thoughtful bringing cake, too?”
“Well, I know you have to eat so you don’t puke when you drink. Want Pop-Tarts instead?”
“Maybe. Depends on how drunk we get.”
He pours the first shots and cuts up the limes. “As drunk as possible tonight. Lick your hand, Princess.”
I do as he asks and he does the same before sprinkling salt on each of us. After licking it off, we take our shots and suck the lime. We repeat this three more times before we lean back to talk.
“Remember that night at Sully’s? You made fun of me for wanting food and now you’re supplying my need.”
He looks at me and laughs. “I was going through some shit and I was being a dick. I needed to get laid and took it out on you.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’ll never forget the look in that skank’s eyes when she asked if we wanted to join in.”
Sawyer’s eyes widen. “She asked you that?”
“Oh yeah,” I reply, laughing. “Pissed Noah right off. She said something like she wasn’t into chicks but we could totally swap.”
He grabs his head and shakes it as he laughs hysterically. “No wonder Noah was so pissed. He was super sensitive about anyone asking us to swap or for a threesome.”
“Did that happen a lot?” I ask, pouring us more shots but forgoing the salt and lime this time.
“More than I’d like to admit. There are some freaky people out there. I mean, I’ve had my share of threesomes, for sure, but never with my own brother.”
This discussion could be interesting and I’m all for interesting right now since I’m floating on a drunken cloud. “Two girls and a guy, or two guys and a girl?”
With a wicked smirk, he knocks back his shot. “Both.”
“With Darren?”
“A few times.”
“With two guys, do you … do stuff with the guys?” He blushes and pours another shot. “Oh my God, you did! With Darren?”
“Fuck no. Why are we talking about this?” He’s still blushing; I think I’ve hit a sensitive spot with him. This is fun.
“Because I’m seriously intrigued. How far have you gone with another guy, Sawyer?”
“Intrigued in a good way?”
“Hell yeah. I mean, I don’t know about most women, but I know Belle and I both thought the idea of a threesome with two bisexual men is seriously hot.”
His eyes roam over me as if he’s seeing me in a whole new light. “Don’t get too excited, Princess. I’ve only kissed another guy once and it wasn’t for me. I’m a pussy connoisseur, not a dick enthusiast. But, uh …”
“What? Tell me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“Let’s just say it was kind of a fantasy fulfillment night so I let him go down on me with her.”
“Was it hot?”
“Yeah, but I closed my eyes. It was more of the two mouths at once that was hot. They were a couple and it was like a holy grail fuck for them because of who I am. I get the appeal, but at the end of the day I just want to sink into a tight, hot, wet pussy.”
“Jesus, Sawyer!”
“You asked, Princess,” he says with a chuckle and pours our next shots.
“Were you high?”
“As a fucking kite.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he says as we toss them back.
“How long has it been since you’ve had sex?”
“Fourth of July weekend last year, when I spent the rest of our downtime with J.”
“Wow, that’s a long time.”
He leans back on the couch and I lay my head on his shoulder, fully feeling the effects of these shots.
“There hasn’t really been an opportunity, I guess, and it just hasn’t been a priority. I’ve had my hands full lately.”
“Mmhm. With your cock, I’m guessing.”
Oh shit. Did I really just say that?
Laughter comes barreling out of him. “You’re so fucking drunk, Mel, but I like it. You let your guard down. I’ll tell you all about my hand if you tell me how many times you’ve gotten yourself off lately.”
“I haven’t.”
“What? Like not at all?”
“Nope. BOB got lost in the crash, I guess. If he didn’t, I don’t want to know what item number he is from the crash investigation inventory.”
Sawyer is laughing again. I forgot how much he laughs when he’s drunk. “You could have bought a new one or ordered one online. And what about your hand?”
“I don’t like using my hand for everything. It just doesn’t work the same. You need one for your clit, one to slide inside, but then your boobs are neglected. Enough about me, we were talking about your hand.”
“Princess, I use my hand almost every fucking day, sometimes more than once.” I’m blushing but I’m not sure why; his answer doesn’t surprise me. “Now that you’re drunk I want you to make me a promise.”
“Drunk promises aren’t very responsible, Sawyer.”
“Even so, I’m going to hold you to it. Promise me you’ll go to the club with me next weekend when the kids are gone.”
With a groan, I turn and face him. “I don’t want to be under siege from fans or paps. I don’t want you to take off with some chick and forget I’m even there so you can get laid. A club seems like a really bad idea, Sawyer.”
Sincerity shines in his eyes. “None of that will happen, I promise. I know a place with private VIP rooms. Just you, me, Darren if we can get him to come, and a good time. Come on, Mel, say yes.”
There’s nothing more I want in this moment than to make Sawyer happy even though I don’t understand why. “Okay, as long as you promise you won’t ditch me.”
“I’d never ditch you, Princess.”
“What do you miss most?”
Sawyer wraps his arm around me, pulls me closer, and sighs. “Everything. I miss his laugh and his happiness, talking to him about things no one else would get, I miss my brother, my friend. I miss his love most of all.”
“Me, too. Like everything you just said. Noah had a way of making it seem like everything was right in the world even when things were fucked up. He knew just what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it. You’re good at that, too, Sawyer. You guys share that trait, among others.”
“What others?” he asks sleepily.
“I don’t know … you’re good at making me feel safe and getting me to talk. You make me laugh and you push me outside of my comfort zone. You made me be a mom and Noah would have been so thankful to you for that.”
“You didn’t need me, you would have been a great mom on your own. All you needed was the time to realize it.”
I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. “Thanks for making Nate’s first year a good one,” I mumble, wondering if he even understood what I just said.
“Thanks for letting me be a part of his life. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
In the middle of the night, I wake up bleary-eyed. I’m still drunk, and I miss Noah. I’m so lonely. It doesn’t ever seem like anything is going to fill this gaping void in my heart where Noah used to be. Feeling Sawyer’s arm around me, knowing his firm body is here, fills me with need. I know it’s wrong, but it’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to feel anything and right now I’m feeling everything, with him.
His hand trails down my arm softly, and I don’t think he knows I’m awake. He’s so careful—probably hoping he doesn’t wake me up—but I allow myself this moment to enjoy these sensations. After a year of misery, I deserve something, don’t I? When a soft moan falls from my lips, he whispers, “Princess?” and fuck if that doesn’t make me even needier for his attention.
As I lean my head up toward his, I use my arm to pull his face to mine. Pulling his bottom lip into my mouth, I tug on his lip ring the way I’ve imagined too many times. I’m a horrible person, but I never claimed to be a saint. As he tightens his arm around me, his tongue tentatively seeks mine. This isn’t uncontrolled passion like our other kisses—this is soft, seductive, and exactly what I need from him. As his tongue caresses mine, my body floods with need. Maybe it’s the tequila, maybe it’s the loneliness, or maybe it’s just him.
“Sawyer, please …” My anguished words are filled with desperation.
“Please what, Princess? You’ve got to tell me what you need.”
Why is he making this harder?
“Fuck me, Sawyer. Fuck my pain away. I need to you make it stop.”
He squeezes me tighter in his embrace and kisses the top of my head. “I can’t do that, Princess. The only way to ease your pain is to let it bleed out onto the floor while you drown in it.” With those words, he releases me and walks away. A minute later, the sound of his bedroom door closing echoes through the hall.
Not even Sawyer wants me now. Who can blame him? I’m a sad, pathetic mess. And he’s my husband’s brother. God, what is wrong with me?
As I stand up, the room begins to spin but I manage to grab my water and the monitor and head to my room. Hopefully, in the morning, I’ll realize this whole thing was one big nightmare.