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“Good Morning, Mel. Are you ready to do this?” Sawyer is standing next to my bed with a cup of coffee for me.

Grumbling, I sit up and take the coffee from him. “I’m terrified, Sawyer,” I confess quietly.

“I know you are, Princess, but trust me on this, okay? You need this just as much as he does, you just don’t know it yet.”

“Sawyer, I’ve never in my life wanted anything more than I do that little boy in the next room. Half of the tears I cry are for him. There’s an ache in my heart where he should be, but I’m bad luck, Sawyer. This black cloud that follows my family took Belle and Noah. I can’t let it take him, too. Maybe I should go away—”

Sawyer takes the coffee away from me and pulls me into a hug. “I promise, Mel, holding him will heal you in ways you can’t begin to imagine. And for the last time, you’re not cursed. Belle and Noah would be so fucking pissed at you right now for pushing your son away and blaming yourself for something caused by the actions of a stranger. They’d be pissed as hell at me for letting it happen, too.”

“I’m scared.”

“I’ll be there every step of the way, I promise. Go get ready and meet me in the nursery.”

Sawyer releases me and leaves, closing the door behind him. I look over at our framed wedding photo and lose myself in Noah’s bliss for a minute before forcing myself to try to do this.

A knock at my door delays the inevitable a few minutes.

“Come in,” I call out, and Eli comes inside.

“Shit, Mel, your face is bruised,” he says, coming closer and running his fingers over my cheek.

“Tends to happen when someone hits you,” I answer with a shrug.

“She should have never fucking touched you,” he spits out.

“Maybe not, but I get it, Eli.”

“Well, I don’t. I broke up with her.” His words stop me in my tracks.

“Not because of me?”

“Partly. Her hitting you was the last straw. Rory is a cool chick, but there’s no chemistry there. I was going to break up with her the day after your accident. When I got the call you’d been hurt I knew I couldn’t do it then. Getting to you was my only priority.”

“I’m sorry, Eli.” I’m not surprised, but I was hopeful it would work for them.

“I’m not. Rory’s a little young for me and she’s got her eyes on someone else, anyway. It’s a pipe dream, but who knows. We’re going to stay friends if she can leave you alone and let you grieve at your own pace.”

He takes a seat in my chair and I sit on the bed. “Is that why you’re here? To tell me?”

“If only. I’m here for a few reasons. Sawyer called me last night and told me you were sleeping in the cemetery. Mel … I can’t even believe I’m about to ask you this. Are you suicidal?”

Eli’s baby blues bore deep into my soul. I want to tell him no, but I can’t. “Possibly.”

“Fuck,” he says as he swipes a tear away from his cheek. “Baby girl, we need to get you back into therapy.”

“I know,” I answer, letting my own tears fall freely.

“Alright, so you know I can’t let you out of my sight until we figure this out, right? I want you to understand something. If you were to do that, it would destroy what is left of Veronica, of the Westons, not to mention what it would do to me. You’d make Cadence and Nate miss out on learning about their parents from the person who knew them best. You’d willingly be making Nate an orphan, Mel.”

Eli rises and comes to sit next to me, placing his arm around me. “We’re going to get you through this. I’m making you an appointment for today.”

“I’m sorry I’m so weak, Eli.” My words are choked on a sob.

He pulls me into his embrace and kisses the top of my head repeatedly. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Mel. But even the strong can’t handle it all.”

After a few minutes, I pull away. “Why else are you here?”

“Moral support. Sawyer told me about his plan to make you sink or swim with Nate today. If you swim, we’re actually going to work on some music.”

“You and Sawyer?” The shock in my tone makes him laugh.

“Crazy, isn’t it? He was working on some lyrics last week but wasn’t coming up with the right melody. I got Joey’s guitar out and we worked through it. He’s wants to work on it some more. Sawyer needs an outlet right now and he’s got to need it really bad to want to work with me. So do your best not to sink today because Nate isn’t the only one who needs you,” Eli says before leaving my room.

Music is in Sawyer’s blood, but I wonder if working with Eli has more to do with him trying to avoid reminders of Noah. If that’s the case, it won’t work. Noah is going to be in everything we do for the rest of our lives.

I take my time showering and getting ready. Once I’m finished, I walk over to the nursery. Sawyer is inside holding a bottle.

“Perfect timing. I just changed him, but he’s hungry. It’s show time, Mel.” Sawyer walks to the doorway, leaving me standing just inside the room. I can’t see Nate from here, but I can hear sucking noises coming from his crib.

I inch closer until I’m finally pressed against the rail. My fingers grasp the edges as I look down at him. His green eyes find mine while he sucks on his hand. He’s wearing a pair of blue jammies that say “Daddy’s little slugger” on them, and my tears begin to fall.

Nate fusses, but I’m paralyzed. When his fussing turns to full-blown crying, I don’t know what to do. I look to Sawyer for help, but he doesn’t move.

“You can do this, Mel. Pick him up.”

That’s easy for him to say.

Instead of moving, my fingers grip the crib harder. My heart aches with incredible pain. Listening to him cry is killing me, but so is my fear. In my peripheral vision, Sawyer’s pushing buttons on his phone and that’s when the music begins piping through the surround sound in the house. Every room is linked to it, including this one. “Inner Demons” by Julia Brennan begins playing and a sob escapes me.

Sawyer comes closer and places a hand on my shoulder. “Pick him up, Mel. It will be okay, I promise.” As the second verse starts, my fingers release the rail of the crib. By the third verse, I’ve picked Nate up and am clutching him to me. The second he’s wrapped in my arms his cries magically cease. I breathe him in as my tears continue to fall. He smells like perfection, like Noah. I don’t even understand how that’s possible, but I inhale him like he’s the last bit of oxygen I’ll ever get.

“Oh God, Sawyer, oh my God.”

Sawyer guides me to the glider while I keep clutching Nate and kissing the top of his head. As his heartbeat syncs with mine and he lays across my chest, I cry it all out. Nate isn’t even fussing for his bottle anymore. Deep inside I know it’s because he needed this just as much as I did.

“This is the closest to Noah I’m ever going to be again. Why didn’t I do this before? I’m a horrible person, Sawyer.”

“No, Princess, you’re not. You’re the best kind of mom there is. You were protecting him from perceived danger the only way you knew how. But you’re not a danger to him, Mel, you’re his lifeline.”

“No, I’m not. He’s mine.”

Relief floods Sawyer’s features. “You’ll be okay to feed him?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I tell him, looking back down at my beautiful boy.

“Alright, I’m going to work on some music with Eli, but if you need me we’ll be right out in the living room.”

When Sawyer leaves, I turn Nate in my arms and look down at him. A huge smile breaks out on his face followed by a yawn. My heart melts as I allow myself these precious moments to enjoy him and feed him.

Nate falls asleep while eating and milk dribbles down his chin. I wipe it off and put him over my shoulder to burp him, wondering if I should while he’s sleeping. As he lays against me and I rub circles over his back, I hear Sawyer singing. The words are sad, but his voice is even more so.

Adrenaline courses through my blood

But I’m not high

You’re my only drug

Darkness closes in all around

Grips my heart and slams it down

Blood oozes

People scream

Smoke rises

Where’s my queen?

Hollow voices

Bright lights flash

Death surrounds me

My whole life

Is shredding fast

It’s the same few lines over and over, but they tweak the music as they go. It’s haunting but beautiful. Acoustic, but the way he sings it is like he’s screaming low. It’s obviously not done yet, but it could be a hit.

That’s insane to even think about. The band would never continue without Noah. But will Sawyer? He doesn’t seem to want a solo career, but Noah wanted that for him so much. Not wanting to lay Nate down but knowing I should to build up some sort of routine with him, I put him back in his crib.

Something has been bothering me since yesterday, and since Eli and Sawyer are both here, I can ask them. When I walk into the living room, they stop what they’re doing and look up at me.

“Everything okay?” Sawyer asks cautiously.

“Yeah, he’s sleeping and he ate, he even burped.” Both of them smile, and Eli motions for me to sit next to them. “Um, I have a question you guys might know the answer to. Yesterday, when Rory was yelling at me, she said I needed to help you guys build his legacy. Do you know what she meant by that?”

They exchange hesitant looks and I sigh. “Look, whatever it is I’m not going to break. If I’m still standing here after last night, and after holding Nate for the first time in weeks, I’m okay, I promise.”

“Have you watched your video yet?” Eli asks, and I shake my head.

“Then you’re not ready, Mel,” Sawyer states simply.

“Have you watched yours yet?” I ask Sawyer, and he nods.

“I think I watched it too soon, so don’t go there if you’re not ready, Princess.”

“I just want to know what Rory meant. She shouldn’t have said anything if I can’t know, but she did, so would you please fucking tell me?”

“I’ll tell you, Mel,” Eli says, and Sawyer shoots daggers at him. “A condensed version.”

I lean back against the cushion and pull a pillow over my lap. “Noah left you a lot of money. He knew you struggle as it is with your parents’ money, so I guess it was mentioned somewhere that maybe the family getting together and starting a foundation in his memory could be a good way to help you.”

“Oh. Is this what you guys want, Sawyer?”

“We want you to be okay, Mel. Rory is struggling, too, because she’s focusing on the wrong things. Instead of grieving, she’s thinking about what she can do in Noah’s honor. If and when you decide you want to do something for Noah, we can talk about that and help you. If that’s what you want.”

“What I want is for things to go back the way they were before Utah. I guess I should be thankful Noah was a planner, right? But it’s almost too much. Videos and wills, advance directives and medical powers of attorney. His mind was constantly moving, but I was just basking in newly-wedded bliss. How come he didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about any of this? Why didn’t I have any warning?”

Eli pulls me close and I lay my head on his shoulder. I used to feel so safe in his arms, but now … I just wish he were Noah.

Sawyer releases a sigh. “He didn’t want you to worry. Seriously, Mel, Noah thrived on this kind of thing. I know he was stressed about that feeling he couldn’t shake, but Noah geeked out on being prepared. Besides, as soon as you delivered Nate, Noah would have made you go see Tony and put all that together anyway. He was just giving you a little time, not hiding things. Noah would have never hurt you like that, not in a million years.”

The doorbell rings and Sawyer gets up to answer it.

“That would be your therapist for the day. Are you ready for this?” Eli asks.

“You got my therapist to come to the house?”

“No, your therapist can’t get you in until next week because she’s out of town. This one was willing to make a house call.”

“Hello, Mel. How are you doing today?” Diane is standing next to Sawyer, looking at me with kind eyes.

“We’re going to let you guys talk,” Eli says as he stands and grabs his guitar while Sawyer gathers his music. I’m in shock; I didn’t even know Diane was a therapist.

“I’m not sure what to say,” I stammer as she sits across from me.

“Well, how about I go first?” she asks, and I nod in agreement.

“I’m probably not the best person for this. In fact, I know I’m not. I’m on leave from my practice because I’m still grieving. But because I know what you’re going through in some aspect, I couldn’t just sit by and let everyone worry about you without seeing how you’re doing for myself.”

“I held Nate today for the first time since the hospital,” I spit out.

“That’s good, Mel. How did it make you feel?”

“Like the worst person in the world because I hadn’t done it sooner.” She raises a brow at me and I continue. “Also, like I had a part of Noah back in my arms. It hurt so much, but it was the best kind of pain.”

With tears in her eyes, she smiles. “Last night, you slept in a cemetery. Can you talk to me about that?”

For the next hour, I open myself up to Diane. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I feel like it would make Noah happy. Or maybe because I know she was a huge part of Sawyer’s recovery when he was a kid.

“Did you become a therapist because of Sawyer?” I ask, needing to satiate my curiosity.

“In part. I knew I wanted to help people because I saw how much Sawyer and Jordan were affected by what happened to our family. It wasn’t until Sawyer was in high school and grew so much from his journaling that I decided I wanted to be a grief counselor.”

I didn’t realize she was a grief counselor. That makes all the sense in the world now.

“Mel, I’ve seen people so consumed by grief that it ate at them until they took their own lives. Thinking about suicide and actually taking steps toward it can be a fine line. But I don’t get the impression it’s one you’re walking.”

“I’m lost, Diane.”

“The best of us often are. Going back to therapy will be good for you. I’m willing to stay here all week until you can see your own therapist if you want me to.”

“I think I’ll be okay, but could I call you if I need to?”

“Absolutely. In fact, maybe we can go to lunch with the girls when you feel up to it. They love you, Mel, and I think you could help fill a void for them, too.”

I’m not sure what it is about that idea but it makes my heart a little lighter.

“I’d like that a lot.”

Later that night, Sawyer shows me how to give Nate a bath. “Who would have thought I’d be learning how to do this from you?”

“Hey now, I’m a pretty awesome uncle if you haven’t noticed already.”

“You’re a pretty awesome friend and brother, too, Sawyer. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. So are you ready for your first night on baby duty?” he asks, effectively changing the subject.

“I think so. And if this goes well, I should probably step up and do it every night.”

Sawyer pauses and turns toward me. “Actually, I’d really like to keep helping you every other night. Being with Nate helps me feel close to Noah.”

“You’re not just saying that because you don’t want me to do this alone?”

“You’re never going to have to do this alone, Princess, but no. I’d do it by myself every night, but it was time for me to share him with you. Being with Nate makes me feel good and nothing else really does right now.”

Sawyer holds out a towel and I lift Nate from the baby tub so Sawyer can wrap it around him. “Yeah, Sawyer, I’d love the help. God, why does he smell so good? I just want to eat him.”

Sawyer laughs. “I don’t know, but I understand the feeling. Some nights I want to hug him so hard just so he’s close, but I know he’s too tiny for all that just yet.”

Sawyer sits with me as I get Nate dressed and feed him his bedtime bottle. After I put him to bed, we go to the kitchen and sit at the table.

“Do you remember everything from that night?” I ask.

“Unfortunately. How much do you remember, Mel?”

He looks eager for my answer, and I wonder if he’s wanted to ask me this for a while.

“Noah talking to you on the phone, and then everything is in slow motion until my body hit the floor and I blacked out. After that, I don’t remember much. Flashes of people, things, lights. I remember talking to Noah on the way out of the bus and that they were working on him. I remember the fear and the pain.”

He’s listening to me with rapt attention, so I continue.

“I don’t really remember the flight, but I remember your voice keeping me calm. The way you held my hand … I knew I was safe with you. I remember how scared I was when they started hooking me up to all that equipment and cutting off my clothes and just how bad everything hurt. I didn’t know anything could hurt that much.”

“What about now, Mel? You don’t take your pills anymore, and you never mention the pain, but even with the cast off and all your stitches and staples out your back must still hurt.”

The concern on his face is touching. This is a whole other layer to Sawyer. I wonder if he’s changed from the accident, or if he’s always been like this deep down but kept that part of himself hidden. I have a feeling it’s the latter.

“There’s no pain unless I’m moving around. When I sit I’m good. It can get uncomfortable at night, and I’m sure I’ll still need a lot more help with Nate because of my lifting restrictions but I don’t like drugs, Sawyer. Especially after my dad. The ibuprofen helps knock the edge off. If I have a bad day I’ll take them, I promise.”

“Okay, you know what’s best for you. I have a question for you now. When you have your nightmares, what are you dreaming about if you don’t remember much?”

“Mostly Belle’s screams and the fearful feeling something is wrong with Noah. How scared I was when I felt the fluid rush between my legs. It’s weird, Sawyer. That’s why I wish I knew what happened because it’s all just these random flashes of things but the order doesn’t make any sense to me.”

He folds his hands together as if in prayer and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Mel. I wish I could help you.”

“Me, too. I do remember being pissed you were watching me give birth. I was mad and scared about so many other things. But you were doing it for Noah and it made me happy at the same time that you were there doing that for him, for us, so you could give him those memories.”

Sawyer looks up at me with a smile so wide his dimple is showing. “I didn’t want Noah to miss a detail, but that was one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, it killed me that you were in so much pain on top of the normal labor stuff, but I don’t know … watching a baby being born on a video and seeing it in person is so much different. Seeing that head of hair come out and then his little face, hearing him cry and watching his little hands curl up to his mouth … It was breathtaking, Mel. I know you didn’t really have a choice, but thank you for letting me be there.”

“I didn’t have much of a train of thought to kick you out, but I don’t think I would have. There’s no way I could have done it alone.”

“I’m glad.” He reaches over and squeezes my fingers. “Because seeing my nephew come into the world was one of the highlights of my life.”

Sawyer stands and yawns. “Goodnight, Mel.”

“Goodnight, Sawyer.”

Long after Sawyer goes to bed, I sit at the table and think about his words. That man has seen just about everything there is in the world and he called Nate’s birth one of the highlights of his life. I’m not sure what I’m feeling but I’m feeling and I have Sawyer to thank for it.

One early morning, about five weeks later, there’s a light knock at my door. I’m up and watching the dolphins play in the ocean.

“Come in,” I call out, and Sawyer enters with one hand behind his back.

“Happy birthday, Princess.” He pulls a small plate with a cupcake from behind his back and hands it to me. “I know you said you didn’t want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year, but thirty is a big one and you at least deserve a cupcake.”

“Sawyer, thank you.”

“That’s not all,” he says, flashing me his dimple smile, and walks out to the hall before returning with a gift. “Don’t be mad, but there’s no way you would have sat back and let one of our birthdays pass without doing the same.”

I’m not much in the mood to celebrate this year, but I understand where he’s coming from.

“Open it,” he says, handing me his gift.

“Sawyer,” I gasp after tearing off the paper. My eyes fill with tears as I look down at the framed photo.

“It’s a reminder and a gift. Do you remember how mad you were when Warren told us it was your birthday? And how mad Noah was you didn’t tell us yourself?”

I laugh at the memory. “He called me a stubborn Scorpio.”

“And he was right. I know the last thing any of us want to do right now is party. But Noah would want us to celebrate you on your big day. I want to celebrate you, but I understand it’s hard. Next year, watch out. I’m going to make up for it big time.”

He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

“Thank you, Sawyer. I love it.”

“Happy birthday, Princess,” he says again, and leaves me alone with my memories.

The photo is of the five of us on the bus. The birthday cake had just been cut and we’re all laughing because it was filled with pineapple instead of strawberries—definitely not what they had ordered. It was kind of gross so we all ate around it, except for Darren. He loved it so much he scooped up all of ours and ate that, too. It was a great day.