CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Knight
Fuck this night.
I shouldn’t have let her walk out the damn door. But I was too stunned by what she’d said to me to even move.
I was the biggest asshole on the planet, and even as I said those things, I knew it. Yet again, I’d hurt her. Only this time, she let go. She lashed out. She no longer held back what she felt and what she thought.
The thing was, I couldn’t blame her. If only I could explain everything to her. Then again, what good would it really do? I wouldn’t only open old wounds, I’d make them deeper. Wounds that I was starting to wonder had even closed. By the things she’d yelled at me tonight, I would have said definitely the fuck not. I was lost. I had no idea how to fix this or where to go from here.
Mouse had forcefully convinced me to stay put. He had reminded me that I was the last person that she wanted to be around right then. Even he seemed a little pissed at me. I could tell that in the tone he took with me and the disappointed scowl he held on his face the rest of the time he was there. I was glad when an hour later, he took his shit mood somewhere else. But he didn’t leave without pointedly telling me to keep my ass in that apartment.
I paced the damn living room, fuming the entire time. Hours passed and I couldn’t stop my brain from spinning out of control. Something could have happened to her and I wasn’t there to stop it. To help her. To save her.
Mouse’s words rang out in my head and I realized that he was right. I hadn’t been there for years and she was capable of taking care of herself. As much as I wanted to believe that, and maybe knew it, my skin was crawling at the fact that I wasn’t there watching. She was out, at night, in a club or bar that I was sure was filled with assholes that no doubt wanted to get into her pants. Or dress rather.
That fucking dress. I wouldn’t deny that it stopped my heart and made my dick hard at the same time. As much as I wanted the image of her in that dress dancing around in my head, it was not the fucking time.
The thought of someone else touching her made me shake with rage. I knew it was bullshit, I had no claim on her no matter how much I wanted to. But once my head went down that road there was no calming me down. No stopping the crazy train from heading to jealous town. I knew it was fucked up—I was fucked up. The whole fucking situation was fucked up.
How the hell am I going to survive this?
How am I going to survive Gwen?
She was a force to be reckoned with. All these years I hadn’t really been living. I’d felt like some part of me was missing and there was this deep sadness embedded in my soul. I’d spent years trying to shake it. Trying to run from it. Trying to trick myself into thinking I could forget it.
“Fuck!” I growled out to an empty room as my hand raked angrily through my hair.
The sound of the door being unlocked caught my attention. I resisted the urge to run to the door and open it. I may have had a few things I needed to say to her, but I realized that it was probably not the time. The door opened wide, the bang of it hitting the wall echoed in the silent apartment. I looked up and my eyes locked with a struggling Tara as she and Sketch tried to get a seemingly very drunk Gwen into the apartment.
“What the hell?” I roared as I rushed over to them. “The fuck happened?” I attempted to take over but Tara wasn’t having it.
“I got it, alright.” Her tone was tight and if I wasn’t mistaken, her anger was aimed at me. “Just move out of the way.”
Shocked into silence, I did what she said. I hated not being able to help and the fear that they’d drop Gwen had my stomach in knots, but I wasn’t about to step in the way if it was going to cause more problems. So I watched from a distance as Sketch took the majority of the weight and all but dragged Gwen down the hall and into her room. I wanted to know what happened but I was going to wait until they came back out.
I shuffled into the kitchen feeling awkward at what to do. I filled up a glass of cold water and found a bottle of aspirin. Not wanting to get my dick snapped off, I set it on the counter and waited.
“Yo,” Sketch said a few minutes later as he came into the kitchen. I lifted my head and gave him a death glare. What the hell was he doing with them? Had he been with them all night? And if so, why the hell did he let Gwen get so wasted?
I wasn’t sure which answer would set me more over the edge. On the one hand, if he was there, at least he could have kept an eye on her and stepped in if anyone had tried to hurt her. But then again if he wasn’t that was even worse because Gwen would have had no one to watch her back. I promised her dad that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her and right then, I wasn’t sure if I’d cracked that promise a little. I sure felt like I had. I knew what she was off to do and I didn’t follow her. I didn’t keep an eye on things to make sure something like this, or worse, happened. I was a fucking mess.
“Please tell me that she’s okay. That nothing happened.” I could hear the desperation and hopelessness in my voice but right then I didn’t fucking care if it showed.
“I don’t know, man.” He blew out a breath and scratched the back of his neck. “I had just closed up the shop. Was later than normal because this hot chick came in at the last minute and wanted something done…”
I shot him a look warning him to get the fuck on with it already.
“So she told me she was going to meet up with some friends and invited me to come. I walked in the place and saw those two. Gwen couldn’t even hold her head up, so I suggested that we get her home.”
“That’s it?” I asked feeling like there was something he was keeping back. He took a step closer to me.
“I don’t know...she wasn’t even coherent when I got there,” he said and made sure to keep his voice low. “And I got the feeling like Tara wasn’t really ready to go. She tried to tell me that Gwen was fine.”
I eyed him as I processed what he was trying to say.
“I’ve seen drunk chicks, Knight. I’ve seen a lot of them.” He paused and I did my best to hold back the eye roll. “Either she drank half the liquor that they had in that bar or…”
He didn’t have to say it. The thought of some asshole drugging her made my blood boil and the fact that I wasn’t there to stop it seized my heart. Something could have happened to her. Something really fucking bad and I wasn’t man enough to brush off the words she’d said to me earlier and do the right thing. I should have fucking been there.
“I don’t know, I could be wrong. I mean, I probably am. She just seemed really out of it.”
“Did you ask Tara about it?”
“Yeah, she said that Gwen was hella pissed off and started downing drinks the moment they walked into the place. I asked her if she had been around any guys or if anyone had bought her a drink. Tara said that Gwen was dancing with some guy for a long time. She said she left Gwen on the dance floor but it was only for like five minutes.”
His eyes were on me with a strange intensity. Something I couldn’t read but wanted to understand. However, I knew he wasn’t going to go into whatever it was right then. I had a huge idea that it didn’t have anything to do with Gwen and that maybe his past demons were somehow edging in on this situation.
“Is Tara in there now?” I asked because I didn’t want Gwen to be alone. Hell, if she was drunk then she could puke and not even realize it. I didn’t want to imagine what else but I also couldn’t turn a blind eye.
“Yeah.” He pulled out his phone, looked at it for a brief second, then tucked it back away in his pocket. “She kept saying to Gwen that she was going to take care of her, so I don’t think she’ll be leaving anytime soon.”
He gave a half-shrug then went to the fridge. He pulled out two beers and handed me one. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to be drinking but all I could think was ‘fuck it.’ Tara was watching over Gwen and I knew she wouldn’t let anything happen to her. I needed something to take the edge off of this fucking night.
We stood there in silence for a long while. I heard footsteps coming down the hall and when I looked up, Tara was standing in the doorway. She was still wearing the same dress she had on when they had left, but the shoes were gone.
“I gotta piss,” Sketch said abruptly and made his way out of the room.
“She alright?” I asked tentatively.
Tara’s eyes cut over to mine and I wasn’t sure what to do with that the angry fire burning in her gaze.
“She’s like this because of you,” she bit out. I stood up straighter and crossed my arms over my chest. “You’ve got her sitting in this in between and you think being friends is the solution to whatever the hell is going on between you two, but it’s not. You just need to let her go. As long as you are around, she’s going to want to do her best to be close to you and all it will do is continue to ruin her on the inside.”
Her words hit me hard. I thought that I was doing the best given the situation. Now that Gwen had come back into my life, I couldn’t imagine life without her. No, that was a fucking lie. There wasn’t a day that went by while we were apart that I didn’t feel lost and I knew it was because she wasn’t there. I had tried my best to keep Gwen at arm’s length, but it was her idea to try the friends thing. She was the one that had pushed through my armor.
“I don’t think that is true,” I said trying to stand my ground. Tara didn’t know us. She had no idea how much we meant to each other.
“Then you’re an even bigger asshole than I had originally thought.” She cocked her head and pinned me with a blank stare. With a blink, she turned, snatched up the glass of water and bottle of aspirin, then walked away.
Something about that whole exchange made me feel uneasy. When I’d first met Tara she seemed shy and reserved. However, her words right then were anything but. I realized that she and Gwen had gotten pretty close and so I shrugged it off as Tara being a good friend. A little overprotective, but still, she appeared to have Gwen’s best interests in mind.
“You good?” Sketch said.
“Yeah,” I grunted out.
“Want me to take the couch?” It came out as a question that wasn’t intended to receive an answer.
I gave him a nod. He was a good guy and he wasn’t going to leave knowing that there was something strange going on. It wasn’t like I could go in there and demand answers even if that was all I wanted to do. And I knew if I hovered, I’d be tossed out on my ass by Tara. She had made that perfectly clear.
“Thanks. I’ll be in my room.”
I knew I wasn’t going to get any sleep and the longer the minutes ticked on, the more my muscles started to ache from being so tense. I finally gave up when the color of my walls started to glow with a golden hue. I knew the new day wouldn’t hold a fresh start, the tension of last nights events wouldn’t be erased, and the shitty feeling that had a hold of my heart would only clench tighter the moment I opened my door.
I left the peacefulness of my room with heavy steps, it was as if my body was doing everything in its power to keep me back. But I wasn’t a fucking coward and as much as I wanted to avoid the whole situation, I was more worried about how Gwen was doing.
I hit the doorway to the living room to find Sketch sprawled out on the couch in only his boxers. A sight I wasn’t prepared for or needed to see first thing in the morning. Or ever, really. I only managed to make it two steps towards the kitchen when his body sat up with an alertness that wasn’t normal. His eyes wide as he scanned the area.
“Hey,” I said in a calm tone. His eyes landed on me and I could see the instant sag of his body as he relaxed.
“Yo,” he said in a rough, groggy tone as he stretched. “Fuck, I need some coffee.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I made my way to the kitchen without saying anything else. I didn’t know much about his story and I wasn’t about to call him out in any way. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.
I set to work making a pot of coffee. Thinking of how many people were in the house, I pulled out four mugs from the cabinet and set them out on the island.
“Did I miss anything?” I asked Sketch as he rounded the corner into the kitchen a few minutes later fully dressed.
“Nah,” he replied as he poured himself a cup of coffee and opened the fridge. “Was quiet in there.” I watched as he poured creamer into his coffee until it turned a color that coffee should never be.
“Why the fuck do you drink coffee if you gotta put that much shit in it?” I asked, shaking my head.
“Eh, just better this way. I can drink it without, but the thing is, I don’t have to. It’s all about the little luxuries in life. And I, for one, will take advantage of them all.” He shot me a smirk that was half cocky and half joking, but I could see the intensity in his eyes of how he felt about what he’d just said.
I may not have had a personal understanding of how it would feel to go without in life, but I got what he was saying.
“Eggs?” I asked pulling the carton out of the fridge.
“Fuck yeah.”
I got busy working on a full breakfast. Eggs, bacon, and some premade biscuits. Sketch sat at the island and we both seemed to be lost in our thoughts for a long while.
“So, whatcha gonna do about that?” he asked with a jut of his thumb in the direction of Gwen’s room. I set a full plate down in front of him. I stood and leaned back against the counter as I looked at him.
“What can I do?” I blew out a harsh breath and rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. “She made it very clear last night that she wasn’t happy with me. I fucked up yet again and apparently, I’m the reason she came home in that state.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Tara came out and basically ripped me a new one right after you scurried away like a bitch.” I let out a short laugh.
“Not sorry, bro. Something about that chick…” He looked down and shook his head.
I wanted to know what the hell he was trying to say but I could tell that words escaped him right then. I wasn’t sure if he was saying something good or bad. Hell, for all I knew he had a crush on her and didn’t know how the fuck to deal with it. He wasn’t giving anything away.
I hadn’t really given much thought to Tara other than her being Gwen’s friend. She seemed nice enough and Gwen seemed to be happy around her. That should have been enough for me, but maybe I was somehow wrong about the whole thing. Maybe I needed to open my eyes.
My gaze shifted to the doorway as the sound of bare feet walking across the floor hit my ears. Tara appeared looking a bit out of place as she stood just beyond the threshold to the kitchen. She still had on the dress she wore last night, though it looked a bit rumpled. Her hair and makeup were a mess, but she didn’t seem to care as she looked at Sketch then me. It seemed like the heels had been long left behind and I wondered if she had something to go home in. Or if she was even planning on leaving.
Truth was, I wanted her gone. I needed to check on Gwen without the little guard dog around. And at that moment, I didn’t give a shit if Gwen wanted to talk to me or not. There were things that needed to be said. Words and actions that had happened that needed to be addressed. And while I didn’t think I was completely in the right, I knew I wasn’t all the way in the wrong either.
“Um, hey,” she said in a timid whisper and actually looked a bit sheepish. Maybe she regretted her words to me last night. I didn’t care. I didn’t put much stock in her or what she thought. If she wasn’t Gwen’s friend I probably wouldn’t look twice at her. I wasn’t trying to be mean, it was just the way it was. “I need to head home and…”
I waited for the rest of the sentence but got nothing. Her eyes darted to the floor for a second, then her spine straightened as she looked back up at me.
“Well, she’s still asleep. I would leave her alone. I don’t think she wants to see you.” She bent down and pulled on her shoes which I hadn’t even realized were next to the door. “Okay, bye.”
Then she was gone and Sketch and I were left looking at one another with confused looks plastered on our faces.
“Weird,” he mumbled as he shook his head and took a big bite of his biscuit. “You’re not going to listen to her, are you?”
“Nope,” I said, placing my plate in the sink then wiping my hands off on my jeans.
“Yeah, fuck. I’m not sticking around for whatever shit is about to go down. What the fuck happened anyway?”
I blew out a long breath and pushed my hair off of my face. What did happen? I barked. She yelled. She said some things and left. What more was there really to say? Okay, so there was a lot more to it than that but I didn’t even know how to start. Truth was, what happened had come with a lot of history. A history that I wasn’t in the mood to share.
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Well, from where I stand, it’s fucking obvious that the two of you mean more to each other than either one of you will admit. But, not my business, right?”
With that, he slapped me on the shoulder and headed out.
The silence around me was suffocating. My head spun and I wondered what things would be like if she hadn’t come back into my life. Which was worse, to always imagine what she was doing or to be right there seeing it but not actually being a part of it?
“Fucking shit,” I mumbled to the empty room. “When the fuck did I turn into such a pussy?”
A beat went by like I was waiting for the universe to answer me.
All my anger seemed to move to my hand as I snatched a cold bottle of water out of the fridge. Then, with hesitant steps, I made my way to her room.
Should I knock? Or just bust the fuck in?
At one time in my life, I wouldn’t have even thought twice, I would have been in that bed beside her in a heartbeat, making sure she was alright and doing my best to take care of her. But that was then.
“Gwen?” I said, my voice thick and gruff.
“Yeah,” Gwen said in a raw whisper.
“I’m coming in.” I left no room for argument.
The light spilled in through the thin curtains. My eyes scanned the room, seeing it a disaster of clothes and God knew what else strewn about. It was like a tornado had hit the room and I had a pretty good idea that this was the remnants of her and Tara getting ready the previous night. For the most part, Gwen was tidy, her clothes were always put away neatly. She’d always been that way.
Her back was to me, the comforter pulled up around her neck. She didn’t roll over as I made my way further into the room, doing my best to step around the explosive piles. I flopped down on the bed, my back resting against the wood headboard. I made sure to keep enough space between us so she didn’t feel like I was closing in on her. Condensation dripped off of the bottle as I reached over her and set it lightly next to her pillow.
“Thanks,” she said, unmoving.
“I didn’t think you’d be up,” I said and I hated how strained things were between us.
“I don’t want to be. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep but I just can’t.”
I nodded, though I wasn’t sure she could see it. The silence stretched out and I wondered which one of us would be the first to break it.
“What happened last night?” I asked trying my best to keep the anger out of my voice. I didn’t expect her to go deeper than surface level and that was what I was wanting right then. I needed to know what happened after she stormed out of the apartment. Truth was, I wasn’t ready to dive into the issue of us.
“I don’t know. I went out. Some random place. I drank and danced.” She took in a shuttered breath and I waited, letting her have the lead on this conversation. “I had a couple of shots and a rum and coke when I got there. Then I danced for a long time. Tara had another drink waiting for me when I got off the dance floor, something fruity and too sweet. I remember drinking that and I think I maybe have asked for another…maybe. I can’t remember, but I do remember at some point Tara put a fresh drink in my hand and I was aware enough to realize that I could drink it because she handed it to me. Not some random person.”
“Then what?” I pushed.
“Then everything got fuzzy. I don’t even know when or how I got back here.” I could hear the shakiness in her voice. I should have comforted her but I was too busy trying to stomp down my anger.
She danced. With who? Some fucking douchebag that probably had his hands all over her. Was she into it? Did she want to go home with him?
I couldn’t stop my mind from spinning out of control and I realized it was unfair. But, fuck, sometimes I couldn’t help but feel like if I couldn’t have her then there was no one out there that deserved her. Shitty of me, I fucking knew it. She’d always been mine, even when we were apart. I wished more than anything we could be two different people, with completely different circumstances. But we weren’t. We were closely weaved together in a web that intertwined with too many outside factors. Her dad. My dad. The club.
“I don’t drink a lot and I guess I just didn’t realize how it would hit me. It was stupid, I know. You don’t have to say it.”
By her tone, I could tell that I didn’t need to lash out and tell her how irresponsible she had acted and what could have happened to her. Instead, I needed to thank the fucking stars that nothing did happen to her. And thank fuck for Sketch, too. I owed that dude big.
“You just…” she said and I could hear the frustration ringing clear in her voice. “You made me so fucking mad.”
“I know.” I left out the fact that she, too, had pissed me right the fuck off. Especially thinking she should wear something like what she had on out.
“I thought…” There was a pause and I waited for her to continue. Her voice was so raw sounding that I wondered if it hurt her to talk. After a moment she cleared her throat and tried again. “I thought we could do this—that I could do this, start new and have some kind of friendship with you. Forget the past, what the fuck was I thinking, right?”
She let out a strained, breathy chuckle at the same time a heavy sigh fell from my lips. This wasn’t the way I wanted things to go, but I had no idea what I should say or do. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to push the comforter off of her and run my fingers along her skin. I knew what she was about to say was going to fucking wreck me and I feared this would be the last time that I would be this close to her.
But I didn’t do any of that. I stayed there frozen, staring at her back, the uneven rise and fall of her body that let me know that she was doing her best to hold her emotions back.
Gwen wasn’t the type to cry at the drop of a hat. She wasn’t the kind of girl that whined and bitched over every little thing. Or got upset over something small. She didn’t generally break down in front of people. That was how I knew that last night had been a breaking point for her. I was to blame, there was no way I could even try and deny that. As much as I wanted to live in the happy little bubble where we could have reworked our friendship, I knew it was a matter of time before the hidden pressure forced our world to explode.
“I spent so many years wondering what happened to us. I mean, you were part of my life, hell, you were part of me. But then it was like you flipped a switch and gave some super confusing and lame excuse why we couldn’t be friends anymore, then you were off living a life where I never existed. Or that’s how it felt.”
“Gwen…” I whispered wishing I could tell her how hard it was for me, too. That it killed me to walk away from her that night even if it was possibly the best thing for both of us. Especially back then. It was a weird time in my life and I didn’t understand the things that were happening. The strange shift that I could feel starting to take place. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do. I thought I was protecting her, and maybe myself, too.
“No. I need to get this all out,” she said when I took too long to speak again. “The friendship we once had was one that can never be replaced. And now, I think I realize that it can’t be fixed either. Somehow we’ve turned toxic for one another and I don’t think there is a single thing either of us can do to fix it.”
The bed shifted and I realized that she had brought her hand up to wipe her nose. She was trying her hardest, but I knew she could no longer hold back.
“I’m not the same little girl. That’s the thing, Knight,” she said but still refused to roll over and look at me. “I’m not a little girl at all. I can take care of myself. I know how the world is. I’m not naïve or blind. I’m twenty-one and I’ve been doing it on my own for three years now. And you—you aren’t the same carefree boy that didn’t even have to be around me to know I was upset. The same one that brought me treats to try and cheer me up. You’re older and harder and sometimes I look at you and don’t even see the same person.
“I thought that if we could have some sort of new friendship that I could still be close to you. But I don’t even know who I’m trying to get close to. So, I think I was right when I said we should leave the past in the past, but I think that the us part should stay there, too.”
“If that is what you think is best.” What else could I say to that? Really? I mean there were a million things running through my brain. A million emotions punching me in the chest.
“Let’s just make it through this year. For my dad’s sake because it will be one less thing for him to stress about. Once I graduate, I can move out and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.”
With that, she snuggled down further into the comforter. The conversation was over. She didn’t want to talk anymore.
A heavy sigh pushed its way out of my lungs as I tried to find the strength to move. I thought that if I had her closer, just let her in a little, that it would be enough for both of us. But it seemed that I had fucking gotten it wrong again.