CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Gwen
A few days had passed since the whole breakdown incident, as I had started to refer to it in my mind. I was taking refuge in the new coffee shop I’d found. Royally Brewed was a bit of a walk from the apartment, but the good thing was that it was far from the campus and in the middle of the afternoon, like right now, it was often quiet. As much as I liked people watching and overhearing other people’s conversations, I did have to actually get some studying done if I was going to keep my GPA up.
“Hi,” the guy behind the counter said to me with the same wide smile he always gave me. I wasn’t sure if he had started to recognize me or if he was just overly friendly. Either way, I’d take that smile, because it was the kind of smile that was infectious. I suddenly didn’t have a bad or heavy feeling anywhere inside me. “What can I get you today?”
“Um,” I paused looking up at the menu, though I wasn’t sure why, because I always got the same thing.
A light huff of a laugh caused my eyes to snap back to the guy. His face was still warm so I got the feeling he wasn’t getting impatient or making fun of me.
“I’m sorry,” he said when I raised a brow at him. “It’s just, you do this every time you come in here and then order the same thing. Large raspberry mocha with an extra shot. Whole milk but no whipped cream. Right?”
I let out a breathy laugh.
“You never know, one of these days I could come in here and surprise you by ordering something completely different. But yes, I’ll take that today.” I smiled as I pulled out my card and swiped it.
“Okay,” he said moving off to make my drink. “But when you do, it has to be something insane. You can’t just switch from raspberry mocha to like a mint chocolate one.”
“No?”
“No.” He gave a little shake of his head and a lock of his light brown hair fell on his forehead. “It’s gotta be like a small red eye with steamed milk and two pumps each of—chocolate, blueberry, and almond.”
“That sounds…” My face scrunched up with disgust. I couldn’t imagine that tasting good at all.
“Terrible? Yes, I know, because I’ve tried it.”
“Oh, God. Why?” I said with a laugh.
“Because this guy came in and actually ordered it one time and I just had to know, you know?” He made his way back over to me and set the cup on the counter in front of me. “Never again.”
“I would say not. Thank you.” I said with a nod as I took my cup.
I found a table in the corner, away from the door and any windows. In other words, away from anything that could be distracting. I got to work as I waited for Tara. After a while, I raised my head and scanned the area. Sometimes she was late, so I wasn’t really worried. As my eyes danced over the front counter, I noticed a sign I hadn’t seen when I was standing there. My pen rested against my lips as I thought about it.
“Hey?” I said to the guy who had made my coffee, whose name I still didn’t know. Guessed it was time to change that. He looked up from the table he was wiping down just a few over from where I was.
“Yeah? You need something else?”
“No. I just saw the sign. What are you hiring for?”
He left his rag and made his way over to me.
“Oh, barista. It’s not many hours, but we are flexible here with schedules. I take it you’re in college?” He pointed to the mess of notes and books I had spread out on the table in front of me.
“Yes,” I said putting my pen down. “I’m Gwen, by the way,” I said as I held my hand out to him.
“Dale,” he said as he shook my hand. “Are you interested in the job?”
“Yeah. Can I get an application, please?”
I knew Dad wasn’t too thrilled with me working at the bar. Though, I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like I didn’t have bodyguards pretty much every second I was there. And it wasn’t like I needed his approval, but if I could give him one less thing to stress out about then I would. This would be a better fit for me anyway. I definitely loved coffee more than alcohol, especially after my latest tango with it. Just thinking about that night had my stomach churning.
“Sure. I’ll go grab one.” He darted off and as I turned my attention to the door, Tara walked in.
She was wearing more makeup than she usually did. Her hair was put up in a high ponytail and it seemed like there wasn’t a strand out of place. That wasn’t to say that she normally looked bad.
“Hey,” I said as she walked up and set her books on the small empty corner of the table. “Your makeup looks good.”
“Thanks. I tried to copy what you did the other night but just tone it down a bit.”
“Here you go,” Dale said as he handed me the application.
“Thanks,” I said with a smile and a small nod.
“What’s that?” Tara asked.
“Oh, I saw they were hiring, so I thought maybe…ya know?”
“What about the bar?” she asked as she dug through her purse for something.
“Oh, well, I figured this might be a little better. Might be able to work more shifts too.” I had filled her in on my dad’s work-blocking. She gave a little laugh as she ripped her card out of her purse and held it up victoriously.
“Makes total sense. Okay, I need caffeine, like right now. You good?”
“Yep,” I answered.
She made her way over to place her order and I turned my attention back to my notes.
For the next two hours we studied silently side by side. A few times we took a break to chat, but for the most part, we were both in the zone. Which was something I greatly appreciated. There was a time for fun and a time to buckle down and get things done. Tara always seemed to be on the same wavelength as me.
I took a few minutes to fill out the application before we packed up. I handed it to Dale on the way out and he told me I would get a call to set up an interview. After I thanked him, I met Tara out front.
“Did you walk?” she asked as she dug her keys out of her purse.
“Yeah.”
“Want a ride back? I gotta head that way anyway.”
“Well, if you’re going that way then I sure as heck won’t say no.” We laughed as we made our way to her car parked on the side of the street just a little ways up the block.
“So that guy at the coffee shop seems nice,” she said out of nowhere as she jerked the wheel and pulled out into the street.
“Yeah. He smiles a lot, which I think is nice.”
“He’s cute. And his smile is nice. Total opposite of Knight, too.”
I thought about her words. I guessed I could see what she was talking about. But when Knight did smile, it lit up the room and warmed my whole body. Then again, it wasn’t like he smiled much now. I missed his smile and the rare times he had let himself relax around me had been the best moments I’d had in months. I took everything about him in when it did happened. I wanted to hold onto those mental stills for a lifetime.
“You should ask him out,” she said pulling me out of my thoughts.
I laughed and shook my head.
“No. Not a good idea especially if I want to work there. Dating someone you work with has disaster written all over it.” I wasn’t an idiot. Even if I thought I would be able to date now, no matter how cute or nice Dale seemed he would not be an option.
“Well, if you don’t get the job then.”
“Maybe. I’ll just have to see.”
“I’m telling you, Gwen, you need to branch out. Try new things. Forget about Knight and move on. Right?” Her tone was a little sharp. But then again she had seen a little bit of how twisted up I was about the whole Knight thing.
“I guess…”
I looked out the window wishing for an escape out of this conversation. I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to stop even if I seemed like I didn’t want to talk about it. Luckily, the apartment was within breathing distance. I just hoped she wasn’t planning on coming up with me. I wasn’t really in the mood to hang out now.
My phone rang in my pocket. How was that for timing? I sent the skies a grateful thanks as I pulled my phone out.
“Oh,” I said seeing that it was Stacy calling me. “It’s my best friend.”
I looked up at Tara right as the car pulled to a stop. She gave me a tight smile and a sudden chill filled the car causing goosebumps to take over my skin.
“Hey, hold on a second,” I said answering the call before it clicked over to voicemail.
I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I knew how Stacy was and if I didn’t answer it, she would be busy doing something else by the time I called her back. It didn’t matter that it would only be a few minutes from when she called me, that was just how her brain was.
“Thanks for the ride. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” Tara said as I popped my door open. I gave her a friendly wave, but she took off too quickly to notice.
“Hey!” I said so cheerfully loud I was sure everyone in the apartment building could hear. “Oh my God, how are you?”
“Fat and immobile,” she replied and though her comment was negative, her voice betrayed her excitement. I let out a happy giggle.
“You’re not fat. You’re pregnant. How much longer?”
“A little over a month. But I would argue if he came a little early.”
“I still can’t believe you are going to have a baby. How is Mikey?” I asked and I couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of my face as I made my way into my apartment.
I flopped onto my bed and kicked my shoes off, not caring for the moment that they were in the middle of the walkway.
Mikey and Stacy were, for lack of a better term, destined to be together. They met in high school and it took months of Mikey asking her out over and over again for her to finally give in. From that first date on they were pretty much inseparable. So, it didn’t surprise me at all when only a few months after they got married, she called me up to tell me that she had a bun in the oven.
“Good,” she replied. “Nothing new here. Tell me what’s going on with you. How are things with Knight? God, it’s still weird to me that you two are living together, but not really.”
“It’s…” I struggled for the words that would explain everything. “Sometimes it kills me and sometimes it’s like that whole chunk of time doesn’t exist. Like we are back at the clubhouse, eating ice cream sandwiches and watching whatever we could find on the TV.”
“It’s still hard for you, though, huh?”
“Yeah,” I sighed and tried to keep the tears at bay.
“You still miss the Knight that you knew. Not the one that broke your heart but the one that would give his life to make sure you were happy and safe.”
“Sometimes I get this feeling like he’s holding back. He’s overprotective but from a distance. Ugh. We had it out the other night. It was so bad, Stace.” The last thing I wanted to do was relive that whole thing but now that I’d opened my big, stupid mouth I knew there was no way she was just going to let me brush it off.
“Did you finally snap?” she asked like she knew me so well. Mainly because she did.
“Yeah. I was going out with a friend I have here, Tara. Well, really, she’s my only friend outside of the club. But anyway. We were dressed up and headed out. I didn’t even know that Knight had returned home at some point while we were getting ready. And, oh God, Mouse was here too. He witnessed the blow-up.”
So for the next ten minutes I relived the whole thing in my head as my mouth pushed out the words. She listened intently like the amazing best friend that she was.
“You were totally right,” she said on a heavy exhale after I was finished. “It is toxic. You guys seem to be trapped in this weird space where you both are just floating there. You can’t move forward because you won’t deal with the past. You guys will never trust one another until you both sit down and tell each other how you truly feel. Once it’s all out there, that’s when you guys can begin to heal and move on, or whatever you decide.”
As much as I hated it, she was right.
“Find your balls, bitch, and take charge. Where is the take-no-shit Gwen that I know?” she said delivering the final blow.
“He hurt me,” I said so low I wondered if the words had actually made it past my throat.
“I know.”
“I hate him.”
“Know that too, girl.”
“I missed him—miss. I miss him.”
“Well, duh,” she said with a short laugh. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“He’s the same but different. He’s not the same boy but I get little glimpses of that Knight—my Knight—every now and then and it makes me all confused.” This conversation was giving me a headache.
“So, you love the boy he used to be. But the big question is, do you love the man he’s become? Or could you? Do you want to?”
“Yes…” I answered vaguely.
“You’re such a mess, Gwen,” she said with a laugh.
“I know.” The irritation couldn’t be hidden in my voice.
“Is he still hot?”
“Stacy!” I scolded with a squeal. “Yes. Like more so, if you can believe that. Fuck! I’m so in love with all of him and I hate it because I know he doesn’t feel the same. He walked away from me, from us, before I even knew what love really was. And years—fucking years, Stacy—went by and I still couldn’t forget him. I compared every guy, every relationship to him. And where has that gotten me? Huh? Right here, so close to him but unable to touch him. What is wrong with me?”
“Well.” There was a long pause and I knew she was taking her sweet time telling me her brilliant words of wisdom. Words I was sure were only going to make me feel worse. “Put it all out there, take the weird tension away, then see how you feel. Maybe it will give that final push to move on. Close the chapter and all that shit.”
“You’re no help.” Though it made perfect sense.
“Brat,” she said in a tone I knew was joking. “Okay, fine. Sit on it. Stew it. Whatever you are going to do because I know you. I gotta go. It’s mamma’s nap time.”
“Thanks, Stace. Take care of that baby. I can’t wait to meet him.”
“Yeah, me too. Can’t come soon enough. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Call me if you need anything.” And I meant that because I would drop any and everything in a second and fly there if she needed.
“You know I will.”
We ended the call and I rolled over pulling the comforter with me. I felt better and worse about the whole thing.
She was right, I was going to stew and over think the whole thing. I was going to obsess and work myself into knots. Then, once I got the courage to go to Knight and lay it all out there, I was going to chicken out. I saw the whole thing playing out in my head over and over again.