CHAPTER TWELVE
Chapter 11
Pushing Through Your Fear and Mine.
Maggie
The next morning I drag myself out of bed at 7:00 am so I have time to get up and get ready. Char already sent me a text asking if we were still on for yoga. Going into my bathroom I turn on the shower and in between brushing my teeth and jumping in the shower I have already come up with a dozen possible explanations to give to her as to why I suddenly can’t make it and get her to pass on to Max that I can’t meet him for self-defense lessons either. I stick my head under the hot water hoping it scalds me enough to wake me up. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning thinking about Max.
I don’t really understand what is happening between us. When I’m around him I get this feeling that I can’t really place or name. All I know is that I feel things around him that I don’t feel around other people. Ever since Dustin I haven’t felt anything but apprehension and fear around men. Its like there was something broken in me. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be interested in any kind of relationship with anyone for a long while but ever since coming here its like the people here just open you up.
Char is turning out to be a true friend and she is someone who understands better than most what I have been through. The kind of genuine person that you kind of strive to emulate in a way. Max is opening me up in a whole new way. This desire, this heat, I feel when I’m around him is so unexpected. It’s scary. Im not ready for this. I just started getting my life back together, I don’t have it in me for any kind of relationship. Not that he has asked me out or anything. I could just be making a big deal about nothing. He may not even be interested in me.
Shaking my head I reach for the shampoo and decide to just grow a backbone and get it over with. I rush through my shower and it isn’t until I’m getting dressed and trying to blow dry my hair that I take the time to look at myself in the mirror. Really look at myself. For the first time in I don’t know how long I like the girl looking back at me. The girl I see in the mirror has color in her cheeks, healthy shiny brown hair and most importantly her eyes. They are no longer blank and lifeless. There’s a small sparkle there. A small light trying to shine through. I feel myself give a little smile when I walk out of the bathroom. Grabbing my gym bag I head down the stairs and find my dad in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I walk over to the island and drop my gym bag on the floor before sliding onto the stool and snagging a piece of bacon from the plate by the cook top.
“I heard the shower so I thought I would get up and make you some breakfast. Need to eat before you workout.”
Normally my dad is a pretty laid back kind of person but I can tell he still isn’t one hundred percent on board with me training with Max. If I’m honest neither am I, but its something I think I need to do. Not just for my recovery but I can’t run away form people and hide in my room for the rest of my life, no matter how appealing that sounds.
“Thanks. I’m actually meeting Char for yoga and then meeting up with Max. I should be done about 11 or so. Are you going to be home or do you have to work today?”
Plating the eggs he was frying he grabs the toast and a few pieces of bacon before sliding the plate in front of me.
“Nah I’m going to be here working outside in the yard. What do you think about putting in a pool in the backyard?”
I look over at him in surprise as he slides onto the bar stool next to me with his own plate. The back yard is really big, we sit on almost half an acre here, so a pool would really be awesome. Especially in this heat. Being able to just head right out the back door and dive in without worrying about other people watching you. Or worse, what they did in the pool while they were in there. Just thinking about it sends a shudder through me. Shaking it off I look over at my dad and feel myself smile. He stops eating and just sits there looking at me with his mouth open and a fork full of eggs paused about two inches from his mouth.
“I think thats an awesome idea dad. You should have them do one of those waterfall features too. That way if you don’t want to swim you can still go outside and just enjoy it. When would you want to do it?”
I go back to eating my food trying to snap him out of whatever is going on with him. I hear him clear his voice and when I look back up the fork with the eggs has lowered to his plate and his mouth is closed but he still looks kind of off balance.
“I thought about getting someone out here next week to talk about it and get a rough estimate before I have to leave for Austin.”
At that I look back down at my plate and feel the smile leave my face. This trip to Austin as been planned for weeks and I told him that it was fine. He will only be gone one night and he will be back early the next day, but every time I think about being by myself I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Being by yourself when you have depression is like opening the door and inviting insomnia and anxiety in with a welcome mat on the floor and fresh towels in the bathroom. I haven’t said anything to him about it because I know it needs to happen. I need to start getting outside my comfort zone. Shaking off the panic I pick up my toast and nod. I force myself to eat two bites, down some of my orange juice and get up to grab my gym bag off the floor all without making eye contact with my dad.
“Thanks for breakfast dad. Gotta run.”
I walk over and give him a kiss on the cheek. As I’m walking out the door I hear him tell me to be careful on the road because its been raining all night. One thing about Houston is the rain hits hard and the streets flood on a regular basis. I grab my purse by the front door and my keys before heading out.
When I get to the gym there are defiantly more people than I expected here on a weekday at 8 in the morning. Parking in back by the yoga studio section of the gym I swipe my card and head in. As I’m heading into the locker room I hear several girls a laughing. I pause when I get to my locker and then open it up with my key and start changing. Usually, I try to avoid getting dressed in front of other people but seeing as they’re a few rows of lockers over and don’t even know I’m there I figure I’m safe. Just as I start pulling stuff out of my gym bag I hear a name that makes me pause and listen harder.
“Did you see Max at the gym with Declan the other day? Talk about hot!”
“I know right. I went up to Declan after Max left and he just got up and walked off without saying anything. I can’t tell if he is playing hard to get or what but I haven’t seen that guy with a girl in years.”
“Maybe he’s gay?”
“Nah remember him hooking up with Courtney a few times?”
“Hell no wonder he isn’t interested. That crazy bitch probably turned him off of women forever.”
“Seriously! Stephanie did you hear about what she pulled on Max? She literally jumped on him right before he was about to teach one of his private lessons. Big Mike actually kicked her out permanently after that.”
“Yeah I heard. I even went over to Max after his lesson to make sure he was okay.”
“Oh. Someone is trying to get back in his pants.”
They all erupt into giggles and I swear I stop breathing. Trying not to make a sound I walk to the edge of the row of lockers and look into the mirror that spans the whole back wall of the locker room. I see three girls all in workout gear, if sports bras and barely there spandex shorts is workout gear, sitting on the benches doing their make up. I watch as this very curvy blond gets up and walks up to the mirror to apply her eyeliner.
Seriously? Who the hell wears eyeliner when they workout?
Just then the blond bombshell at the mirror turns around and leans against it talking to the other girls.
“He went through a lot with his sister but now that she’s better he can spend more time focused on me. We broke up yeah but as soon as I tell him I want to give it another shot he won’t be able to resist.”
THAT’s Stephanie? Seriously? The hot covey model type?
Apparently she is also his ex? Well shit I guess I don’t have to be worried about him being interested in me since he used to date THAT. Feeling a sudden pang in my chest I turn around and head back to my locker. Thankfully the girls start talking about some kick boxing class they all want to take and I quickly change my clothes and shove everything in my locker just as Char walks in looking haggard and out of breath. I brush past her to head out of the locker room.
“See you in there.”
“Save me a spot!”
“Got it!”
I get into the big aerial studio and make my way toward the smaller room attached with the aerial hammocks. I find two in the back corner and put my water bottle down next to one and walk over to the other one. I sit down on the floor and start stretching before class starts just to give myself something to do. Something else to focus on.
I reach up and rub my chest over my heart. Why the hell does it hurt? I mean I barely even know this guy. Yeah he’s attractive and makes me feel things I really thought I would never feel again but that in no way means he’s interested in me. I mean after seeing what his ex looks like how the hell could he be interested in me? Considering the crazy girl that jumped on him was blond too he obviously has a type.
I don’t need to be thinking about this. I just need to be focusing on myself and what I need to do in order to move forward. Obsessing about Max and who is or isn’t interested in is not helping anything.
I look over when my water bottle is set down next to me to see Char standing there decked out in her yoga gear looking at me with concern.
“Thanks for saving me a spot. You okay?”
She asks the last part hesitantly and I know its because we are new at being friends, but the fact that she asks makes me feel emotional for some reason. I have never really had a friend like her, my old friends turned their backs on me. So having someone to care after not having anyone. It’s a big deal. Shaking it off I nod my head and breath out a sign of relief with the yoga instructor walks in and I’m saved from answering more questions. Char gives me a look that lets me know she is still concerned but thankfully doesn’t say anything.
Over the next hour I forget about Stephanie, Max, and my dad leaving. I forget about everything except my breath and my movements. Yoga has always been a peaceful thing for me. It took me a couple of years but I started practicing it back in high school and now its easier for me to slip into that space of peace. Being completely present and not thinking about anything but my breathing and my body’s movements. We go through stretches and try out some new poses with the hammock which adds a whole new element, weightlessness. After we spend the last twenty minutes in our hammocks in kind makeshift canons I walk out of the studio with Char feeling completely relaxed, calm and most importantly clear minded.
We head back to the locker room and I put on some sweat pants and long sleeve shit over my yoga capris and workout tank. Char walks up next to me and leans against her locker looking at me expectantly. Deciding to give her something I stand up, close my locker and lean against it facing her.
“My dad is going out of town for an overnight trip next week and I’m freaking out.”
Char nods in understanding and I know she gets it. We both went through something similar so we have a lot of the same fears and triggers. I don’t feel self conscious telling her because I know she isn’t going to make fun of me for being in my twenties and afraid of being home by myself for one night.
“First time since…”
I nod my head. Knowing she is referring to Dustin, the hospital, any of those and all of those at the same time.
“Want me to come over and spend the night?”
She asks it casually and I know that if I said yes she would be there in a second. Char isn’t one of those people you tell your problems to and they try to fix everything. She knows first hand somethings can’t be fixed. There’s no pressure with her. If I had told her I just wasn’t in the mood to talk she would have backed off and that would have been the end of it, but I don’t mind talking to her. She gets it and it helps that she understands a lot about what I’m going through without me needing to explain it. I stand there looking at her for a second really contemplating it before shaking my head and turning around to grab my gym bag and my purse.
“No. I kind of think I need to do this on my own you know? See if I can.”
I turn back around to find her nodding with a look of understanding on her face.
“It took me three separate tries to stay by myself for the first time. Honestly, I still hate it, but I can do it if I have to and I feel better knowing that. Getting through it will help a little with the self confidence thing.”
She grabs her bag and we both head out. She heads for the door and I turn to head for the other side of the gym for my meet up with Max when I hear Char call my name. I turn around to see her paused by the back door looking at me.
“If you want company my phone will be on all night. Plus we have a guest room. Just throwing that out there.”
I get that tightnesss in my chest again and give her a shaky smile and a nod before turning around and heading in the opposite direction. I make it all the way across the gym to the room we were in last time thinking about taking Char up on her offer for a slumber party when I hear voices coming from the room. The door is open and the sign next to the door says reserved from 9-10:30 so I know the room has been cleared out if it was used before us this morning or they wouldn’t have changed the sign. It’s then I hear Max’s voice and ignore the shiver that it sends down my spine, but as soon as I walk in a pause right inside the door.
The girl from the locker room is here, skank clothes and all. She is leaning against his arm smiling up at him. She looks happy and excited and he looks… irritated?
No that can’t be right.
He suddenly takes a step back and suddenly Stephanie doesn’t have a body to lean on anymore and she stumbles forward before she catches herself. She looked like an oversized puppy trying to get her legs to work right. I snort at that thought and instantly wish I hadn’t as two heads snap over and look at me. I suddenly feel very out of place and I can feel my face heating.
Max’s ex is staring at me with irritation and Max gives me a smile before walking toward me without looking back.
I’m not petty so I won’t say that it felt good that he didn’t give her another thought.
Okay. Maybe I am a little petty.
Just a little.
“You ready for your first lesson, Mags?”
Before I respond Stephanie is there trying to get close to Max again but he just turns and gives her a look that could freeze the hottest parts of hell. She takes a step back and clears her throat before turning her glare my way. If looks could kill I would be six feet under right now. She plasters a fake smile on her face that looks like it physically hurts her before turning back to Max.
“Whose your friend Max?”
“This is my Maggie. Time for you to go Stephanie.”
Apparently him calling me his Maggie shocks both of us but where Stephanie gasps out loud with what sounds like outrage I just feel myself staring at him with my mouth hanging open little and my face getting hotter by the second. He didn’t even look at her when he said it. He just kept staring at me and now that I’m sure I look like a tomato with brown hair his smiles goes from warm to a smirk that is far to sexy for a man with an ego as big as his.
“YOUR Maggie huh? Just who is she to you?”
Max glances over at her and gives her a hard look before turning back to me and grabbing my gym bag off my shoulder. He nods his head for me to follow him and I skirt around the increasingly furious Stephanie to follow him.
“Get out Stephanie this is a private lesson. You’re not invited. Close the door on your way out.”
I don’t have to turn around to know that her head probably just exploded. The anger is rolling off of her in droves which is only confirmed by the stomping of feet and the door slamming closed a few seconds later. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and then stop breathing all together after Max drops my gym bag in the corner and turns back around to look at me. Suddenly I am very aware I am in a closed room, alone with a very large and attractive man. A part of me is excited and I have butterflies in my stomach, but I can’t quite squash that surge of fear that rolls through me at essentially being confined with a very large man. I glance at the door assuring myself that it isn’t locked, it’s just closed.
Max must notice my reaction because when I look back the smirk is gone from his face and a look of anger and, surprisingly, understanding , is in its place. Without saying a word he walks over and opens the door leaving it propped open. He walks back over to me and stays about a foot away.
“The door can stay open if that helps you focus. Don’t like being locked in? Trapped?”
I shake my head because I’m honestly not sure if I can remember how to speak.
“Thats okay. Does the door being open help?”
“Yeah” I more croak than say.
“One of the most important parts of us working together Mags is you telling me what works and what doesn’t. You have to feel like you can tell me when something makes you uncomfortable or when you need a break. A big part of learning to move past some of your fears is acknowledging them. I don’t ever want to do anything to trigger you and the best way to avoid that is going to be communication. You don’t feel comfortable you tell me. Okay?”
“Got it.”
He nods his head and then the sexy smirk is back.
“Lets get started.”
Over the next half an hour we do a lot of stretching, and learning the movements of certain moves. He has me go through each part of each movement five times individually and then all together five times. Then comes the anxiety inducing part. The physical connection.
“Ok we are going to start with the wrist grab. I’m going to face you and grab your wrist. Remember to bring your elbow in toward you and move your hand to the side and up until you break that grip. Make him have to move awkwardly so that he has to release you ok?”
I nod my head. I hold out my wrist and Max’s hand encloses my wrist and I wait for the panic to come. I have an anxiety, that never really goes away, but no panic. I pull my elbow back kind of surprised by how tight Max is holding my wrist and move my hand to the side and up until his grip breaks. Its awkward and slow and in the moment probably wouldn’t work. Despite that Max nods his head and we do it again and again about ten times in a row. Doing it faster and faster each time to make it more like a real life situation. Its the last time that does it and I feel the flashback hit me before I can even think of countering it. Max grabs my wrist fast before I’m fully prepped for it and suddenly I’m back in my dorm room with Dustin.
“Your being ridiculous Dustin. I wasn’t flirting with him.”
I keep shoving books in my backpack pissed that he could think that of me. I grab my backpack and swing it over my shoulder with ever intention of just walking past him and going to class. I go to push past him when he grabs my wrist and jerks me back against him. I turn around and try to pull my arm free but he holds on tighter and tighter until I stop fighting and look at him. The look on his face is indescribably mean and angry. Rage. Thats what it is. Rage.
“You think I’m stupid Maggie? Huh? I don’t want you talking to Jesse anymore.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
Then he squeezes my wrist tighter and it hurts so much I’m afraid he might break it.
“Do you understand?”
I nod my head without looking at him. He holds on tight for another second before releasing me and I pull my arm back cradling my wrist with my other hand. He walks up to me and pulls me into his arms before brushing a kiss on my forehead.
“You know how jealous I get. Just do me a favor and don’t talk to him anymore. Its like me talking to those sorority girls. You didn’t like it either. See? Same thing. Okay?”
I nod again and pick up my backpack that fell on the floor before heading out the door without looking back.
I blink and realize that I’m standing in the middle of the room cradling my wrist in my hand staring at the floor. For a moment I’m confused until I look up and see Max standing in front of me, looking at me with concern. The flash of anger I see in his eyes has me looking back down at the floor.
I jerk a little when he reaches up lifts my chin to look at him.
“Where did you go?”
I shake my head but he doesn’t release me.
“Where did you go honey? It’s okay. Your safe here, but I need to know. Communication remember?”
His voice is soft and soothing, a complete contrast to the look in his eyes. I’m about to shake him off and just leave when I realize I don’t want to. Looking over his shoulder at the clock on the wall I focus on that because I just can’t look at him and talk about Dustin.
“The first time he grabbed me.”
I feel Max stiffen but he doesn’t do or say anything so I take a deep breath and continue.
“A couple of weeks after we first started dating we went to a party at a fraternity and he got upset that I was talking to his friend Jesse. Jesse was an army brat like me and we were just comparing stories. Dustin got jealous and we left. He dropped me off at my dorm without even talking to me. He came by the next day and told me I embarrassed him with the way I was flirting with Jesse. I told him I wasn’t and I even got mad. I hadn’t done anything wrong why should I be sorry. I was trying to go around him and he grabbed my wrist. He held it so tight I thought it would break. He didn’t let go until I agreed to stop speaking to Jesse. Then made it seem like he was being completely reasonable by asking me to stop talking to him. After all I didn’t like it when he was hanging out the sorority girls in the library right? I left and went to class. I had a bruise on my wrist for over a week where his hand was. That was the first time he hurt me. I wish it had been the last…”
I take a second and then step back from Max. He lets me move away and I take another breath before looking at him. I can see the anger but I know enough now to realize it isn’t directed at me.
It’s directed at Dustin.
At the pain I felt.
“You know now it’s not supposed to be like that right?”
I laugh, but it’s bitter and hallow even to my ears.
“I knew it wasn’t supposed to be like that back then, but I didn’t realize I was already in too deep.”
Shaking off the memories I walk over to my gym bag for my water bottle. My wrist feels like its on fire, like the memory is embedded in my skin, but I resist the urge to rub my wrist.
“Ok it’s 10:30 we’re done for the day. When do you want to get together again for your next lesson?”
I pause and turn back to look at him. I don’t know what I expected, but him just moving past this wasn’t it. I stare at him for a second realizing his face is carefully blank. I shrug my shoulders and look down at my water bottle in my hands kind of self conscious now for some reason. Like when he looks at me he sees too deep and I don’t want him looking that close.
“Tomorrow? Same time?”
I look up and nod my head.
“Okay cool. Get your gear and I’ll walk you out.”
I turn around and robotically grab my bag and my purse that I threw down next to it. We make it all the way outside with me thinking of a dozen possible ways that could have gone and realizing I was wrong on all accounts. We get to my car and just as I’m about to get in I pause and look back at Max when he touches my shoulder.
“Stephanie was my girlfriend for about six months, but when Char got hurt she basically got pissed I was focused more on my sister than taking her out. We broke up and she was with my ex-best friend Slade before the end of the week. Found out it had been going on for about a month before we broke up. I’m in no way interested in going back in life. Just forward. Looking at whats right in front of me. You understand what I’m saying?”
I nod my head and then shake my head before just looking at him with a dumbfounded expression on my face. He busts out laughing, opens my door and takes my gym bag to put it in the back seat. I get in and put my seatbelt on, put the key in and look back at him leaning in from the open door with that annoyingly sexy smirk on his face.
“You will Mags. You will.”
With that he closes the door and walks off back to the gym. I shake my head trying to once again clear the Max fog that takes over my brain when he’s around. It isn’t until I pull out of the parking lot and am half way home that I realize he was looking at me.
Looking forward and looking at me.
With that I feel myself smile.