CHAPTER SIX
Chapter 5
Coffee and a Story
Maggie
I’m outside of The Bean, a coffee shop next door to Mike’s Gym, trying to work up the nerve to go inside. Closing my eyes I take a deep breath and just focus on not throwing up. I have never been someone who throws up because of nerves, but damn if it doesn’t feel like that changed. I have no idea why I’m doing this. I mean, I can barely function at any given moment of any given day. I hate change. I hate new people and most defiantly hate being around people. What made me think this was a good idea?
Just as I’m about to turn around and leave, already thinking of some possible texts to send Char to let her know I can’t make it, I see her. She is standing at the edge of the building, looking through her giant purse as she walks towards me. I smile when I see she is so engrossed in looking in her purse that she literally walks into a group of teenage girls and doesn’t even notice when one falls on the ground and another yells at her to watch where she is going.
Shaking my head I walk towards her and grab her when I see the girl wasn’t just pissed off, she was trying to warn her. I pull her back right before she walks into a parking meter.
Jesus.
She finally pulls her head out of her purse like nothing happened and looks up. She gives me a big bubbly smile and throws her arms around me.
I stay stiff for about half a second before awkwardly patting her on the back with one hand.
I guess she is a hugger.
Lovely.
Someone uncomfortable with touch is trying to make friends with a hugger.
She pulls back and I try to smile but I guess I do a miserable job because she busts out laughing so hard she snorts. Thats when I let out a little chuckle at how she slaps her hands over her mouth and turns beet red.
Dropping her hand she shrugs and smiles at.
“I’m a snorter.”
Just then an old lady walking by with her two little dogs gasps in out rage before hurrying along down the side walk.
Char looks at me for a second before she gets it and turns even more red. She turns around and starts yelling after the woman walking down he sidewalk.
“I’m not a snorter. I don’t do drugs! I say no to drugs! I’m drug free!”
By this point I am full on laughing, but I double over when Char turns around and looks at me with a look of horror on her face as she says,
“I don’t do drugs!”
By this point I can’t breathe and I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. After a few seconds Char bursts out laughing and then starts snorting again which sets us both off laughing even harder. By the time we both calm down my cheeks hurt from smiling, I have tears running down my face from laughing so much and I’m a little light headed from not being able to breath properly during our laughing riot.
I look over at Char and almost start laughing again at how read her whole face is. I swear it matches the fiery color of her long hair. She looks at me smiling. Shaking her head she looks back down the sidewalk and then back at me before she shakes her head.
“What are you gonna do?’
I try for half a second to keep in the joke on the tip of my tongue before I blurt it out right before I start giggling.
“Say not to drugs!”
She has a split second where she gasps in shock before she busts out laughing again.
Smiling she reaches over and opens the door to the coffee shop before motioning me in ahead of her.
When you walk into the Bean you get that heavenly aroma of coffee that just overtakes you. Now, I am weird because I absolutely love the smell of coffee, but I don’t drink it. Im a tea girl. I can’t stand the taste of coffee, but boy do I love going to a coffee shop and smelling it. It always feels like you walked into a warm hug. Looking around I see that The Bean is very much your typical coffee shop. You have tables and chairs set up in the center and along the front windows, but around the back two walls there are couches, coffee tables and big comfy chairs. Creating four or five sitting areas. Separating the comfy lounge areas and the tables in the center are two walls of book cases filled with books. In the center is a sign that reads:
Take One.
Leave One.
Read All.
Along the left wall is the order counter and what looks like a bar for people to sit and drink their coffee while enjoying the complimentary wifi. The whole place uses dark grey accents with the tables, chairs and barstools. The floors are large plank dark hardwood floors, which are also on the front of the bar and along the wall behind it. It has floor to ceiling hardwood floors on the wall, but they are various hues and textures. Some are smooth and painted, others are distressed and a few are various stained woods of different shades of brown and black thrown in. It looks like a hardwood collage on the back wall. All in all it works. Glancing over I see a plaque with a key dangling from a hook by the cash register. The sign next to it reads:
Bathroom Key.
There is only one Bathroom.
Make sure to use the toilet,
NOT
The
Floor.
-Management
Laughing lightly I look over at Char who notices where I was looking before she smiles.
“Declan, the guy who owns this place, inherited it from his grandfather. They started it together a couple of years ago when Declan got out of high school. When they first opened Declan did a lot of the grunt work to lower costs and cleaning the bathrooms apparently still gives him nightmares.”
The whole time Char is explaining the sign she has this misty look on her face.
“So you know the owner, Declan, pretty well huh?”
Her smile drops and the misty look is suddenly replaced by sadness. She looks over at me and gives me a dimmer version of that bubbly smile of hers.
“Declan and my brother are best friends. They went to school together so I have pretty much known him my whole life. Anyways, whatcha in the mood for. I know your not a coffee drinker so you should defiantly try some of their iced teas. I would recommend the Black cloud. It’s black tea, sweetened and has a splash of milk. It goes fantastic with their cheese danishes. Delicious.”
She looks over at me and her smile looks like its back to being genuine so I think better of asking more questions. Instead I nod my head and we walk up to the counter to order. Once we have our goodies we head over to one of the couches in the back corner and get comfy.
Taking a sip of my tea I moan.
Damn thats good.
I take a bite of the fluffy cream danish and drinks some of the tea and Char is right. Together is the best snack ever. Im defiantly coming back here again.
Looking over I see Char is once more digging through that giant purse of hers looking for something. I swear. This girl is maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, it’s a wonder she doesn’t fall over carrying around a purse almost half her size. She pulls a large cosmetic bag out of her purse before she drops her pseudo-suitcase on the floor and proceeds to open up the cosmetic bag and start pulling out leather bound journal as well as some brightly colored gel pens. She opens it up to a page that is very creatively decorated with cute drawings of food and at the top it’s labeled “Food Tracker”. She writes down the iced coffee she ordered and her blueberry muffin before adding the date and time. Im impressed when she even jots down the calories without looking at the nutrition pamphlets they have laying around. When she’s done she closes it back up, throws everything back in her cosmetic bag and drops the bag back into her purse. When she looks up she sees me looking at her and bites her lip while looking down at her purse. Before I can ask she just jumps into an explanation.
“I have to keep track of what I eat and when. I was treated for a eating disorder not so long ago and food tracking helps.”
She looks uncomfortable explaining this too me, like she’s afraid I might judge her. Man if she only knew my history. At that though I look down at my hands and then back up at her. That vulnerability I heard on the phone last night is back, which is almost like night and day when you compare it to the bubbly girl she was a few second ago. Deciding to take a leap of faith I do some truth telling of my own.
“Three months ago I was released from a mental hospital. About eight months before that I … I tried… to kill myself.”
I barely whispered those last two words, but I refused to look away from Char as I said them. It has taken me months of therapy, but I know now that you can’t build anything, like a friendship, on lies and omissions. Somehow this seems easier. Telling her. I mean it is no less frightening or nerve racking and I am no less ashamed of what I did, but it’s what happened.
It’s my truth.
My truth to own.
I expected shock, pity or even disgust.
What I didn’t expect was for her to nod her head solemnly and say,
“I came close. After… After I was hospitalized for my eating disorder. I had a boyfriend that wasn’t so nice to me and he always made comments about my looks. Thats where it stems from. Anyways, I was taking a bath after I got home from the hospital. I was just sitting in my bathtub. I remember looking over and seeing my razor. I picked it up and broke the plastic holding the blade in. I sat there holding that blade, staring at it in my hand and I just kept think that if I just ended it, then all the pain would go away. That it would take the heartache, humiliation and most importantly the shame with it. I remember cutting my left wrist but I don’t remember cutting the right one.”
She pulls up her long sleeves and shows me the faded pink marks on her wrists.
“Then my brother walked in and saw me with a razor blade in my hand. I can remember him yelling my name, but its distant. Like he was behind this wall. Removed from me. Next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital”.
I’m staring at her in awe. She has one silent tear running down her left cheek as she stares at the wall next to me. Her eyes are unfocused.
Remembering.
Reliving.
She blinks a couple of times and then looks back at me. The look on her face is filled with pain, shame and gratitude. That I didn’t expect.
“I didn’t cut deep enough to kill myself, but if I had been left in the bathtub for a couple of hours I would have died. My brother saved my life. Once I realized what I had done. How close I came to dying. I was so ashamed. When my mom and my brother came in to see me I couldn’t even look at them. My brother came and sat on the side of my bed and made me look at him.”
She still has tears rolling down her cheeks and its then I see a very tall, blond guy with a lot of muscle on him staring at her from behind the counter. He looks pissed. I’m about to interrupt when Char starts talking again.
“Do you know what he said to me?”
I shake my head, not sure I could speak even if I had the words.
“He said, ‘I love you. I love you no matter what. I think your strong enough to get through this. If you don’t think you are then know that I’m strong enough to help you get through this. I love you and I want you to get better, but if you ever do anything like this again I am going to kick your ass. “
I burst out laughing the same time she does. She says that last part in this frustrated angry way and I can defiantly picture a big dude with her blue eyes a trying to be gentle and helpful and then getting frustrated and pissed instead. Shaking my head I feel a slight pain in my chest, wishing I had someone like that around to help me. Looking over at Char I see her wipe away the tears on her cheeks as he keep smiling. I glance back at the bar and see the blond guy is missing. Turning back to Char I give her a small smile.
“Sounds like you have a good brother.”
“ I do. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here. Couldn’t live without him. Just don’t tell him that.”
We both burst out laughing. After a couple of minutes we both turn somber and I find my self sharing more with her. This girl who I think knows more about what I am going through than anyone I have met so far.
“I had one too.”
She looks over at me with questions in her eyes. I clear my throat and try to explain.
“I had a boyfriend who did the same thing to me, but he used his fits and his words to hurt me. And so much more.”
I had been trying to hold her eyes, but at that last part I find myself looking down at my hands. Unable to let her see that darkness in me. That part of me that was completely destroyed the night I tried to kill myself. After a moment I see her hand cover mine and squeeze. I take a breath and look up to find this look of complete understanding on her face before she gives me a sad smile , before she leans over and whispers something to me that has me smiling despite the dark turn in the conversation.
“We both have horrid taste in men. Defiantly have to be friends now. “
Smiling and shaking my head I look back up at her. Thinking about how I haven’t smiled and laughed this much in longer than I can remember. How I have found someone who understands what I went through and maybe even what I’m going through I’ll never know, but maybe fate decided to give me a little break after kicking my ass for the past 2 years. Feeling better, lighter, somehow I say the only thing that comes to mind.
“Defiantly have to be friends now.”