CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Chapter 14
Getting it Out.
The first thing I notice when I wake up is pounding. At first I think it’s my head before I realize it’s coming from down stairs. For a second, I just lay there frozen. Whoever it is can leave. I don’t need to go down there. The pounding stops and then I hear a familiar voice. A voice I hear in my dreams instead of the voice I hear in my nightmares.
Max
I close my eyes tight wishing him to go away. I don’t know why he’s here. I could have sworn I texted him and told him I was sick. Everything before I took the sleeping pill is a little hazy but I figure I’ve been asleep at least eight hours since the sun is still shining through the windows. In Texas it doesn’t get dark during the summer months until like 8:30 at night. I hear the front door pounding and resign myself to getting up and dealing with him. The faster he leaves the quicker I can get back in bed. I stumble out of bed and make my way downstairs noticing the clock on the wall by the front door says its a little after 6. I make it to the door and pull it open right as Max raises his hand to bang on the door one more time. When he sees me he lowers his hand but his eyes narrow.
I know what I must look like. I went to bed with wet hair that I didn’t comb so I feel it all over the place. I’m probably pale considering how cold I feel and I’m sure not sending out any warm and fuzzy vibes toward him hoping he just turns around and leaves.
“I got your text, but when you didn’t answer my calls I got worried. I just wanted to come by and make sure you didn’t need anything. Char told me your dad was out of town”
I stare at him a minute trying to figure out how to get rid of him. I want to be by myself right now. I don’t want to be around people, especially him.
There’s no point.
Every time I think I’m moving on or forward or whatever something happens and Dustin is right there again. Sucking me back into the dark. Never letting go. I’m starting to think he’ll never let me go. That I’ll never be free of him.
“Maggie?”
I focus on Max once again and see him looking at me with concern. I must have zoned out. Closing my eyes I rank my hand through my hair, or try to at least, before I encounter a ton of tangles and accidentally pull out some of my hair. Looking down at myself I realize just how much of a mess I look right now. Shaking my head I look back at Max and give him the worst reassuring smile ever.
“I’m good. See you Monday.”
I croak out the words more than say them, but just as I’m about to close the door his hand reaches up and keeps it open. I step back and open it up once again trying to figure out what he wants.
“You’re not good Mags. What’s going on?”
I shake my head. I don’t want to get into it. I don’t want to talk about it.
Shit.
I am
Talked.
Fucking.
Out.
Always talking about every damn thing for months and months and here I am in the midst of a mental breakdown from a damn letter. All those techniques they teach you deal with your anxiety.
The controlled breathing.
The distractions.
The productive activities.
It all falls apart when you past is thrown in your face. I’m done. I don’t want to do all of this with him right now. I sure don’t want to explain why I look like a mess. I don’t even want to mention Dusitin’s name let alone tell Max about him and I sure as hell don’t want him looking at me with pity after he finds out just what all went down between me and Dustin. Well, most of it anyway, I never told anyone everything that happened.
Not a soul.
“Look Max I’m jut not feeling good. I’ll see you in a few days okay. I just really want to head back to bed.”
He stands there looking at me for a long minuted before his face goes blank and he takes a step back.
“You can’t keep me out forever Maggie. You have to let someone in sometime.”
I feel the ice around me melting. The fog that I was walking around in start to lift and I hate it. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to be sad that I can’t tell Max whats going on. It’s none of his damn business. Thats when I feel it. Instead of the sadness or shame I usually feel I get anger.
Good, hot, anger.
“Why? Why the hell do I have to let you in? The last time I let someone in he almost killed me. No scratch that he did kill me. For months after that I put one foot in front of the other because someone was standing there with me ever step making sure I kept going. I don’t want to go through that again so tell me why. Why should I risk putting myself through that again?”
Nothing. He doesn’t so much as flinch.
“You’re not the same person you were back then Maggie. More importantly I’m not him. I will never be him. I won’t ever hurt you. I can’t say that this connection between us didn’t knock me on my ass. I sure as hell never knew that you could look at someone and just feel. The first time I saw you, you literally took my breath away. My brain just kind of stopped and then I felt it. I knew… there she is. The one I was waiting for. ”
For a second I stand there in shock. His words aren’t said in anger or impatience. Nor is that arrogant smirk of his present. Every word is filled with quiet conviction.
That certainty.
Something I don’t understand.
Even though I feel it too.
That instant connection.
That moment where its like everything clicks into place.
I flinch when I feel his hand on my face. It’s then that I realize I had closed my eyes and have been shaking my head.
Denying it.
Denying him.
Denying us.
When I open my eyes and look at him I see so many emotions in his eyes. I don’t even know how to decipher them. I don’t know that I’m ready to even try. He gives me a half smile and nods his head. All the while keeping his hand on my face.
Just as suddenly as the anger and shock had filled me up it drains away and I’m left tired.
Not exhausted, but just tired.
Of everything.
Of who I am.
Who I was.
Being caught up in the past while trying to push forward in the present. I stare into Max’s eyes and I realize, maybe for the first time, that while I may not have known him long, I know him. On some kind of instinctual level.
I also know, with absolute certainty, that what I decide to do next will determine how we move forward from here. I’m terrified of what’s ahead, but I do know that I want him here.
With me.
So before I can even really think through what I’m about to do the words just start tumbling out of my mouth.
“They might let him out.”
“Who?”
“Dustin… my ex.”
He looks at me and I see his eyes harden. I reach down and grab his hand, turning and leading him into the living room. I sit down on one end of the couch and pull my legs up and let go of his hand to loop my arms around my legs. I can’t look at him. Not while I’m telling this. I stare out the window at the park across the street. I feel him hesitate but then he sits down on the other end of the couch. I can feel him looking at me but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I’m not sure where to start so I just start from the beginning.
“Growing up I was an army brat. We moved around a lot and my mom left my dad and me when I was two. For as long as I can remember it was just him and me. I never really minded the moving and the school changes, but it makes it hard to fit in. Knowing you’re going to be leaving, knowing that you’re never going to be there long enough to really fit in. Even if you do manage to make friends your going to have to say goodbye to them eventually. That’s why I was really looking forward to college. I couldn’t wait to go somewhere I chose to go and kind of build a life for myself. I was excited. I was going to have my own life, with my own space and make all my own choices.”
At that last part I let out a laugh that sounds bitter even to my own ears.
“I got a full ride to Yale. I was going to get a degree in political science and then decide if I wanted to go to law school. I had it all planned out, but it’s always the things that you never plan for that end up shaping you. For me that was Dustin.”
I stop and take a minute. Trying to collect myself. Even saying his name is painful so I know telling this story is going to cut me deeper than it has before. Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and go back to that first day. That first class and that first moment where Dustin Avery came into my life.
“We started out as complete enemies. We had several classes together, both majoring in Political Science. We hated each other. We would disagree about anything and everything. Eventually, it was more about just trying to one up the other than it was actual disagreement. About half-way through the semester we go paired up for an assignment that was due at the end of the semester. It’s cliche, I know, but we started talking more than fighting when we would meet up to work on our projects. Eventually, we started meeting up outside the project. We had a lot more in common than either of us realized. He was an army brat as well, but his parents had old money from their families. Being in the army for his dad was about doing something for his country. Dustin said he always admired that about him, instead of taking the easy way and just living off the family, his dad did what he though was right.”
I open my eyes and focus on the park across the street through the living room window. The sun is starting to go down and it makes the empty park look like something out of movie. Artistic and magical. A place both filled with innocence when children are playing and darkness when they have gone.
“We got really close and by the end of the semester we were dating. We even stayed at Yale and spent Christmas break together in his apartment. We were inseparable. I was in love with him, or at least I thought I was. I didn’t even realize I was in too deep before it was too late. Valentines day… thats when I realized how deep I was.”
“We went to his fraternity’s Valentine’s Day party. There was a guy there who was Dustin’s frat brother, Jesse. He was an army brat as well and we were just swapping stories about moving around and the pitfalls of being a military kid. Dustin had made a big deal about me talking to him and had tried to scare me into staying away from him. I can’t remember why, but I was pissed at Dustin for some reason and when I saw Jesse I thought that would be the perfect ‘fuck you’ to him if he saw us”.
The laugh I let out is bitter and full of self loathing.
“Trust me if I had any idea what would happen after that night I would have dumped him then and there. Jesse had put his hand on my arm when he leaned in to tell me something over the music and the next thing I knew Dustin was ripping me away from him, dragging me down the hall by my arm. He shoved me into a bedroom and got in my face. He was angry. Pissed. I had never seen him like that. He asked me what I was doing. Was I trying to make him look like a fool. Flirting and acting like a slut. I was shocked and angry. I told him to fuck off and was trying to get around him to the door when he blocked me. He asked me if I liked people thinking I was a slut, throwing myself at guys when I had a boyfriend. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even come up with a response I mean the things that were coming out of his mouth were nothing like the Dustin I knew. I tried to go around him again, just get away from him but this time he grabbed me by both of my arms and hauled me up against his chest. He told me that nobody makes him look like a fool. I thought he was going to hit me. Then the door opened and a drunk couple stumbled in. Dustin let me go and I bolted. I made it out of the house and down the street before I heard him calling for me. I got back to my dorm and just slid down to the floor and cried. I was a mess. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with him, but I knew he had scared me. The next day he came by and apologized. He seemed so sorry. Blamed it on the alcohol.”
I stop and reach up to wipe the tears off my face. I take a deep breath and do my best to get through the rest before I start sobbing.
“Like an idiot I took him back and it got worse. The backhanded comments, the rough grabbing that would leave bruises or even just the sublet threats whenever I didn’t do what he wanted. He would get rough with me when we had sex. Not overtly so, but enough for me to know he had control. It got to where I didn’t like being with him. I started distancing myself. We went to another party at his fraternity in March and I told him there I was done. I thought that would be the end of it. He played it cool, but then when I went to the bathroom he pushed his way inside. I didn’t realize until it was too late what he was doing. He slapped me. Hard. I fell down and then he was on top of me. He reached under my skirt and ripped off my panties. I fought him. Hard but he just laid down onto of me and shoved my ripped panties into my mouth. I remember how much it hurt. Him shoving himself inside of me. The whole time I could hear people walking past the door and I was screaming but nobody could hear me through the gag in my mouth. He kept telling me that nobody leaves an Avery. I was lucky to be with him. When he finished he told me that if I left him he would give me worse next time. He held me there, took the gag out of my mouth and made me promise to be a good girl. He made me tell him I loved him. That I would never leave him. He wouldn’t let me up until I did. When he finally let me up and I got out of that bathroom I tried to bolt, but he kept me right by his side. Wouldn’t let me go. It felt like hours but a few minutes later one of his frat brothers literally hauled him away from me, joking that Dustin was going to scare me off if he didn’t give me some breathing room. As soon as he let go I ran. I made it back to my dorm room, locked myself in my bathroom and sat in the shower for I don’t know how long trying to scrub it all away.”
I glance over at Max and see him staring down at his hands which are clenched into fists so tight his knuckles are white. I don’t know why, but this next part I need to be looking at him when I tell it. I didn’t want him to see me like this or at least see him while I was laying out my soul. I just know, deep inside, I need to see how he reacts to this next part. Keeping my eyes on him I finish it.
“I went to campus police the next day but I had showered and they guy I talked to told me that just because I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend didn’t mean I should be involving the school. I did everything I could to avoid Dustin but we had class together. I showed up and saw him waiting in his usual seat. I walked right past him and sat down a few seats away. I looked over and in front of like 30 people I told him we were done. That whole class was a blur, but the second it was over I was out of there. I avoided him but that didn’t mean he was done with me. Next thing I knew there were rumors going around campus that he broke up with me because I was having sex with his fraternity brothers behind his back. I started getting these guys coming up to me and harassing me. The crap on Facebook was the worst so I ended up deleting my account, creating a new e-mail and just trying to make it through the semester. It was about April and I thought I just have to make it one more month. I had already looked into transferring to NYU. My dad had just retired from the Army and had gotten a job and a security firm there. I just had to finish up some paperwork and I would officially be out of there.”
Finally he looks up at me and the rage I see in his eyes is palpable. You can literally feel it from feet away, rolling off of him in waves. When he speaks his words are cold and clipped.
“Did you tell your dad?’
I shake my head, “I was ashamed”.
He goes to speak but I hold up my hand signaling for him to just let me get through this. This time when I keep going I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks but Max keeps eye contact with me the whole time.
Grounding me.
Giving me his strength.
“I shared a dorm with 3 other girls and we were all really close. After everything with Dustin went down they tried to stay friends with me, but they were dating guys from his fraternity and the next thing I know they are accusing me of sleeping with their boyfriends. I don’t know if they really believed that or if they were just using that as an excuse to distance themselves from me. One of them told Dustin I was leaving. I thought I was free. I turned in my last final and was going to leave for New York City the next day. Cassie was the only one left in the dorm besides me, she testified at the trial she let him in because she thought we had made up, then she left. I woke up when I felt a shooting pain in my side. I remember coming awake and him standing there. He was prepared. Before I knew what was happening my mouth was duct tapped and my hands were tangled in my shirt that he ripped. He hit me, hard in the face and I think I blacked out for a minute. When I came back too my hands were tied to the headboard and he had ripped off the rest of my clothes. He raped me… several times. He would hit me or strangle me with his belt until I passed out and when I would wake up he was there. Hurting me. Again.”
I stop and close my eyes. I hate this. That feeling of being out of control or remember just how scared I was. I take a deep breath and try to get my breathing under control. I can feel my heart beating a mile and minute, but I just need to finish. I have to get it out now. It’s like poison. You have to force it out.
“I thought I was going to die… by the end I wanted to. When he was finished with me he told me there was no way I was leaving him. Then he just… left. “
I open my eyes and look back at Max to see him looking at me. I honestly can’t decipher what the range of emotions are coming from him right now but I know their dark. Dangerous. Yet, I don’t feel scared. I never feel afraid with him.
“The building super came to do the final walk through and found me. I was taken to the hospital and filed a police report, but I wasn’t mentally able to stand trial. They had to put me in the psychiatric ward because I … tried to kill myself. A lot of people think it was because of what happened to me and it was… mostly. What nobody knows, except my doctors is that after I came home from the hospital after the initial attack, I found out I was pregnant.”
Max looks… shocked. The rage and the anger is still there and I can see the questions forming before he has a chance to ask them. I shake my head and he stays silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I found out when I was four weeks pregnant and I had a miscarriage at five weeks. The rape had caused damage to my reproductive organs and now I have scare tissue to contend with if I ever want to get pregnant in the future. It will be harder for me to conceive and much harder to carry a baby to term. After I lost the baby I hadn’t even really figured out how I felt about being pregnant and then suddenly it was gone. Something inside of me just… broke.”
I look away from Max once again and look back out the window. The sun has almost completely set now and dusk and settled in.
“I took all of my pain killers and sleeping pills. My dad found me, took me to the hospital. I agreed to enter into a mental hospital. I was there eight months. I had only been out a couple of weeks before we moved here. The trial was quick because about halfway through they came up with a plea bargain. Dustin agreed to 5 years for aggravated sexual assault with the possibility of parole in 3 years. He has to register as a sex offender and I have a restraining order. They had enough evidence to convict him but I couldn’t testify so the DA took the deal so that his fancy lawyer didn’t get him off. They were trying to say that since I was in a mental hospital that obviously my credibility was in question. That we had sex consensually and I just cried rape after Dustin broke up with me. That I was into kink and pain. I didn’t find any of this out till a couple of months ago, but that’s one of the reasons I didn’t show up today. I got a letter today saying he was up for early parole. He’s been in a little over a year, he would get out after serving a year and half. I was supposed to be guaranteed 3 years.”
I look at Max and he’s blurry. That’s when I realized the tears are no longer rolling down my face they’re running down my face. I feel the panic hit. A sob escapes before I can stop it. Suddenly Max is there picking me up and sitting back down on the couch with me in his lap.
“How c-c-can they j-just let him o-out?”
Max shakes his head and just holds me tighter. I sit there in his lap and sob. It’s not right. I was supposed to have more time. They promised I would have more time. Now I have to see him. I have to go back there to the place in my life I never wanted to look at again let alone revisit. I don’t want to see him or even be in the same room with him, but what’s the alternative? Letting him out. No. He can’t get out. He CANT get out!
“He won’t.”
Max’s words take a second to penetrate before I realize I had been saying that out loud. I shake my head and bury my head in his neck. I don’t know how long he holds me while I cry, I just know that when I can finally breath normally again and my tears are just leaking out of the corners of my eyes sporadically that it’s late. It’s completely dark outside and the clock on the wall by the front door says it after 10 pm. I don’t want to be here by myself. I don’t want him to leave me here alone with my memories and my fears.
“Do you want me to stay?”
I close my eyes and nod my head. He puts one arm under my knees and the other wraps around my back. He gets up from the couch holding me in his arms and heads toward the stairs. When we get to the top I point to the door to my room and open it for him. He walks over to the bed and lays me down. He kicks off his shoes and climbs into the bed behind me. I turn over and bury myself against his chest. One of his arms slips underneath my head, the other arm curves around my waist bringing me flush against him. One of his legs comes over both of mine.
I should feel restrained.
Closed in.
Claustrophobic.
I don’t.
I feel… safe.
Protected.
Cherished.
He bends down and places a kiss on my forehead. He lets his lips rest there and I feel his words before I hear.
“You’re the strongest person I have ever met.”
I shake my head and then I stop when I feel Max place another kiss on my cheek.
“A survivor.”
I close my eyes and try not to think about it.
I feel a tear shed but for the first time all night it’s not one caused by sorrow or pain, but with hope.
The last thing I hear before I drift off is Max’s strong heartbeat.
Max
I watched her sleep for hours. She looked so peaceful. An emotion I hadn’t seen on her face yet. She always held herself so tense. You could almost see her physically trying to hold herself together. She stands with her feet further apart, like she is constantly bracing herself, always on the defensive.
Bracing for the next blow.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Her eyes though, they are the biggest indicators on what’s been going on with her. They shined more than when I first met her, but no matter what she was feeling or what she was doing those eyes were always haunted.
I knew the basics before she came to me, or rather I had come to her, she opened up to me instead of pushing me away.
There were so many emotions flashing in those beautiful eyes of hers the whole time she was telling me about what happened to her.
Anger.
Fear.
Sadness.
Shame.
With each one that haunted look seemed to deepen, like those words were just taking more and more of her soul as she said them. At the end though, when she got just how invested I was in this, in us, I saw something else. Something I had never seen from her before.
Hope.
When I let her know, without a doubt, nothing she told me changed how I felt. When I made it absolutely clear to her that I wanted her, all of her. Baggage, damage and doubts included. I saw that beautiful light shine in her eyes for the first time and it literally took my breath away.
She was so beautiful with tears in her eyes, exhausted from everything she had just told me and anxious about my reaction. The second those eyes light up you could see something light up inside of her. No matter what it takes, I want to see that look on her face again.
I reach down and pull the comforter up over Maggie’s shoulders when I see the goosebumps on her arms. I snuggle down into the bed with her, wrap her tighter in my arms and bury my face in her sweet smelling hair. I drift off thinking of an angle who just saw the clouds for the first time.