CHAPTER NINE
Chapter 8
Why me?
Maggie
After dad ushers me back into the room and goes over to talk to Mike, I go sit down on one of the chairs against the wall. Just as I sit down Max comes into the room rubbing the back of his head and his eyes immediately land on me.
Jezz what is it with this guy and the eyes.
Doesn’t he know those things are lethal?
Just as it looks like he is going to walk over to me Mike calls him over to where him and my dad are standing. For a second I think he is going to ignore him, but then he walks over to them and Mike turns them away so their backs are to me. Releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding I close my eyes and drop my head into my hands.
There is no way I can train with some god- like tattooed fighter dude, in a back room behind closed door. There is no way. This guy nearly gave me a heart attack after a like, five second glance, what the fuck is going to happen to me if I’m alone with him?
At that images of him training me all sweaty without his shirt-
OH MY GOD STOP!
I look up when I hear foot steps and see both my dad and Mike with disapproving looks on their faces. When I look at Max the smirk that appears on his face lets me know that what I was just thinking about is written all over my face. At that thought I feel my face turn even more red. His smirk, if possible, gets more arrogant.
I close my eyes and try to remember how to breath. How is it that for over a year I haven’t had one inkling of desire, excitement or passion in my life and within five seconds I feel hotter than I have since…
Since… ever?
What the hell is the matter with me?
One thing is for sure.
This is most defiantly not going the way I thought it would.
When the hell did they start making self-defense teachers that look like that?! Not only is he got to be around my age, but he looks like some kind of fucking greek sculpture. I could bounce a quarter off those damn abs. Not that I was looking. I mean I was, but I wasn’t. Although I really thought a twelve pack was some kind of myth, but no its right there in the flesh. The really hot, tan and tattooed flesh.
I wonder if the rest of him is hard like that?
Wait. What?
No.
No I don’t!
Stop being attracted!
Oh this is all kinds of fucked up. For over a year and half I haven’t had the slightest twig of interest in anything, let alone anything romantic or sexual and this guy has me wanting to pick up that clipboard of Mike’s to fan myself like some love sick teenager. What the hell is wrong with me? This is not fucking normal.
Nope. I am in no way prepared for the way I reacted to him. I just got used to human contact again, even if it is a small amount, no way am I prepared to deal with all of… that on a daily basis.
Just as I am about to start hyperventilating I feel a shadow fall over me and for some reason I just know its him. I keep my eyes closed and my head resting on my knees when I hear him move and then suddenly he is right in front of me. I vaguely hear my dad tell him that he needs to back away from me but all I seem to be able to focus on is his smell. He smells good. Really good. Like sweat, mint and vanilla. Although I am pretty sure that vanilla is from the skank who was wrapped around him like a boa constrictor.
Damn. Why does that make my heart hurt? I move my hand that’s is wrapped around my legs and press it against my chest and rub over my heart like it’s a physical ache. I cannot be having this kind of reaction to someone I haven’t even met.
I am seriously considering just bolting for the door with my eyes closed and taking my chances of making it out before I embarrass myself when I hear it. Its low, but its him. Talking to me. It feels like his voice is a million miles away but I feel him move slightly closer to my head and steeling myself I raise my head up and open my eyes. Thats when I realize I am inches away from his face and staring into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. They are so light they almost look like ice, but they are anything but cold.
They’re warm.
Patient.
Encouraging.
I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding and lean back a little to look at him. Thats when he moves and reaches out a hand to help me up. I hear him more clearly now. He’s not really talking, more like murmuring to me, that everything is going to be ok. He stares into my eyes and the next words out of his mouth are loud and clear.
“I will never hurt you”.
I look down at his hand and then back up at his face. I don’t really do the whole touching thing, but Max just keep his hand out with this patient look on his face. I take a deep breath and slowly and very hesitantly reach forward and place my hand in his. Or I should say I put my very very small hand into his giant paw. His hands are huge, like unbelievably huge. He closes his giant paw around my hand very slowly and gives my hand a light shake, while holding it gently but firmly. Like he is telling me he will be careful with me but I’m not going to be going anywhere. Why the hell that excites me I have not fucking idea. Add it up to the weird ass day I’m having.
I remove my hand from his and tuck it back against my body. The less physical contact I have with him the better. I look up and he gives me this arrogant little smirk like he can tell I was just drooling over his big hands.
And my face is red again.
Shit.
“You must be Margaret.”
“Maggie,” I squeak out more than say.
Damn, this boy is wreaking havoc on my nerves.
Although boy isn’t the right word.
Man.
That is defiantly the right word because this guy is defiantly all man. He smiles a little wider at my obvious embarrassment and lets go of my hand.
“I’m Max.”
“I know.”
A hot guy name. That defiantly suits him.
When he busts out laughing I realize I just said that out loud.
Oh fuck.
I drop my head back onto my knees and count to ten. I am so not prepared for this. I have been a virtual zombie for over a year and half and now when my life is starting to get back on track God decides to throw a hot guy in front of me and forgets to tell me how to act like a sane person. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
Its then that I realize the room is very very quiet.
Keeping my head buried in my knees I ask, “Please tell me I didn’t say all that out loud too.”
I hear a light chuckle and look up to see Max smiling at me before shaking his head.
“No you didn’t say anything else out loud, your dad and Mike just stepped out into the hall to talk about something, although by the amount of pink on your face I’m very interested in what you were thinking after that last little slip.”
He is flirting with me. He’s flirting with me?
“I can’t do this.”
I finally say something I meant to say and I know its right. The smirk on Max’s face falls and a somber look replaces it. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he opens them they are determined and intensely focused.
On me.
He leans close to get my attention but not too close to be in my personal space.
“I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t know why you’re here or who hurt you so badly you think this is the only way you will ever be safe again. What I do know is the moment I saw you I had a reaction like I have never known before. So Im going to be honest with you. I want to get to know you. So if the only way to do that right now is to train you on how to kick some fucking ass incase anyone else every comes at you. I’m going to do that because the one thing I absolutely know for sure is that regardless of this thing that is between us and don’t deny there is something between us, I want to erase that fear in your eyes even more. So from here on out we go at your pace. You need me to be Max your instructor I will, but one day Im going to want to be more. Thats where I stand. Where do you stand?
I stare at him for a solid minute trying to digest what he is telling me and the only thing I got is that he isn’t going anywhere. Underneath all of that was him letting me know that he isn’t going anywhere and that I can’t run from him or this thing between us because he is right. There is something there.
“I don’t know how to do this. That’s not an excuse. That’s just-.”
I close my eyes and try to think of the words. When I open my eyes that patient understanding look is back on his face as he waits for me to keep talking.
“Someone hurt me. Badly.”
I see the anger come into his eyes before a mask falls over his face. He nods his head like he is telling me it’s ok to keep talking. Ha. If only he knew. Talking is the hardest part, but I know I need to get my point across even if I can’t tell him my story and I am most defiantly not prepared to share that with him right now.
If ever.
“I have issues with trust and touch. I can’t stand loud noises or fast movements. I prefer to sit at home and watch movies all weekend because then I don’t have to be around people and pretend that I’m trying to crawl out of my own skin because being around lots of people scares the shit out of me. I’m all kinds of fucked up, living moment by moment and trying to figure out how to survive from day to day. So I have no idea how to do this. How to be this person who can talk and flirt or even knows how to just hang out. I don’t know how to do these things anymore and just thinking about trying scares the shit out of me.”
I stop and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea. Wait for him to tell me I’m too much work or give me some platitude about working it out together. I have no idea what I was expecting but what I wasn’t expecting was for him lean back on his hands again and just say, “Okay”.
Okay?
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
I look at him like he is nuts and say, “I don’t understand.”
He gives me that smirk again, which I am coming to really be annoyed with, and tells me, “Okay as in that’s all okay. I have been training people for years Maggie. I understand all of that and I have a sister who has experienced some of those same things if not all of them. I’m telling you it’s okay because I understand. You have things you’re working out. I understand. You’re telling me you need time, patience and understanding. All things I can do. The only thing I can’t do is walk away. So if that is what you were hoping for I’m sorry but you’re going to be disappointed.”
I frown thinking there is no way any sane person can possibly have this kind of reaction to someone. First, instant attraction only happens in romance novels and movies. Second, nobody in their right mind wants to spend time with someone whose idea of wild weekend is staying up, eating junk food and watching Denzel Washington movies. Third, by the way that skank was all over him earlier there is no way he would be ok with just being my trainer or even my friend. He wants more. All guys want more. Whether you want to give it or not.
Almost like he can hear the dark turn my thoughts have taken he sits up and leans closer once again.
“I would never hurt you. I need you to understand that. As much as I wish you could take my word for it and just trust me I know that the only thing that is going to make you believe that is time and effort. I’m willing to put in all the time and effort you need Maggie, but are you willing to open your self up to it?”
He says all of this slowly, like he wants me to understand that he is patient enough to work through my issues with me. For some reason I believe him. Well, I believe that he believes everything he is saying, but he’s right. It is going to take time and effort on his part for me to really get that. Most of me is just screaming to tell him no and run away. Get dad and leave. Just don’t even try to deal with this. However, there is a smaller part of me that craves this.
Craves a connection.
Not just any connection.
This connection to him.
I don’t understand a lot of what’s happening here, but I do know one thing, if I walk away now I’ll regret it. So despite my better judgment I say something that I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret for the second time in two days.
“Yes.”