CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Chapter 12
The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt Us.
Maggie
“You sure you are going to be okay here by yourself, kiddo?”
I look up from my cereal to see my dad standing just inside the door from the living room into the kitchen. He has his duffle bag at his feet and he looks to be trying his hardest to not show his anxiety about leaving me by myself for the night. He told me there was a possibility he would have to be gone Saturday night too, but that it wasn’t likely and if I needed him he would come back regardless.
When he told me that I felt loved and coddled at the same time. I love that my dad is trying his best to make sure I’m doing ok, getting everything I need, and just generally being there for me. It just makes me feel bad. He needs his own life. He shouldn’t feel like he can’t drive a few hours away to do his job because his daughter might have a mental breakdown.
Those moments, ones where you realize just how dependent you have been on someone, are what make you feel like a burden. That’s what people don’t understand.
Depression doesn’t just affect the person who has it. It effects everyone around them who has to watch them struggle and fight through it. Worse still you know your hurting them, but your too far gone in the dark to be able to do anything about it.
I get up from the island and walk over to him. I practically face plant into his chest and hug him tight.
“Don’t worry so much okay? I’ll be fine.”
He holds me tight to him and I feel him lean down and kiss the top of my head like he used to when I was little. I close my eyes and just try to stay in the moment. Don’t think about tonight and the inevitable anxiety that is bound to hit me, but just stay here in this moment where I feel cherished, loved and protected. After a minute I give him one last squeeze and step back. I do my best to give him an encouraging smile.
“If you need me you’ll call right?”
“I promise dad.”
“You have the number for the hotel just in case you can’t get me on my cell?”
“Yep.”
I pick up the paper on the counter and wave it like a flag. He made me an emergency contact list like he used to for my babysitters when I was younger.
“Okay, well I’m going to head out.”
He reaches down and grabs his duffle. He walks over to me and gives me one more kiss on the top of my head and heads for the door leading into the garage. He pauses with his hand on the doorknob and gives me one last look over his shoulder. I smile, genuinely amused now, and make a shooing motion with my hands. He cracks the first real smile I have seen since he told me about the trip. He rolls his eyes playfully before heading into the garage and closing the door behind him. I wait a few seconds and then head into the living room and watch him pull out of the garage, down the driveway and into the street. He waves at me and I wave back. I stand there and stare for minutes after he’s gone knowing that when I turn back around I’m going to be alone.
Deciding not to feed into my anxiety more than I already have I head into the foyer and grab my gym bag. Im supposed to be heading to the gym for yoga and a training session with Max. I pick up the mail off the floor from the day before. I go to throw it in the basket by the front door when I see an envelope that catches my eye. The corner of it says Probation Committee.
Before I even realize whats happening I pull the envelope out and open it to see that it’s a notice about Dustin. He got five years for what he did to me, but after only serving a year and half he’s up for parole in six weeks. I have the option of speaking at his probation hearing.
With each line I read I feel my heart racing faster and faster. I feel like I can’t breathe and the next thing I know I’m dashing into the hall bathroom. I make it to the toilet just in time to throw up.
I feel sick.
Scared and sick.
They can’t let him out.
I was supposed to have more time.
They said I would have more time.
I’m supposed to see him now?
Speak in front of other people and tell them everything he did to me?
Let them see how weak I was?
Before I know it I feel the memories just slam into me. That time he slapped me outside the movie theater. The time he locked me in his truck and told me I couldn’t get out until I told him I loved him. That awful time at his fraternity where he cornered me in the bathroom and raped me after I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him because he was drunk.
I can’t stand it.
I can’t stand how dirty and sick I feel.
I crawl into the shower and take off all my clothes before turning the shower on as hot as it will go. I sit there and grab the soap from the shower caddy and begin scrubbing myself.
Everywhere.
I sit there on the floor scrubbing and scrubbing trying to wash it away. Trying to wash him away. I don’t know how long I sit there on the floor of the shower but the next thing that even registers is how my skin is raw, the water is now cold and I’m shivering so bad my teeth are chattering.
I go to reach for the knob for the shower and realize my body has locked up. I’ve been so tense in the same position for so long. It takes me awhile to get my arms and legs moving. Once I turn off the shower I grab the big bath sheets in the back of the linen closet and wrap myself up. Walking back into the hall I hear my phone ringing. I vaguely remember hearing it while I was in the shower. I walk over thinking it might be my dad and when I see all the missed calls and texts I remember I was supposed to meet Char for yoga and Max for my session. It looks like I was in the shower for almost two hours. I fire off a quick text to both telling them I’m fine. I just got sick. I’ll see them next week.
I dump my phone on the table by the front door and make my way upstairs to my room. I grab my comfy sweats, a long sleeve shirt and a sweater laying on my dresser. I don’t even bother trying to dry my hair before I go into my bathroom and get my sleeping pills. I haven’t needed them as much the past couple of months but I don’t even think twice about taking one and climbing back into bed. I pull the covers over my head and close my eyes and welcome the darkness.